I was not sure where to post. My story is long but I'll try to make it easy to understand. I am posting here because I honestly and truly want to advice of the betrayed. Here's my story....
I was the OW. I was 26 when I met him. He is 14 years my senior. We work together. Seven years ago we met and we became friends. I was young and stupid. I was going thru a breakup. He comforted me. Before I knew it, he was pursuing me like I had never been pursued in my life. He made me feel like the only woman alive and I admit, I ate it up. I fell in love with him when he told me he had been unhappy at home for years and that he wanted to divorce and now he was going to do that. I was stupid. I thought since he was telling me he felt this way, since he seemed so sincere, since he worshipped me and attended to my every need, that he would leave. I then signed up for the ride of my life that lasted over six years.
Fast forward...the following six years resulted in a heated affair. We ended it many times only to fall back into it. Our individual "issues" that neither of us had the strength to deal with, kept us together. I was afraid to be alone, felt I was incomplete without a man. I CHOSE to believe all the things he said - that he was trying to leave, he wad afraid to hurt her but knew EXACTLY what he wanted and that it was a matter of time. I bought into it all, even though the pain was unbearable at times, for me at that time it was better then having the courage to walk away and be alone. I clung to the hope and dream that we would have a future together. He clung to me because he was afraid to face his own fears, afraid to deal with his marital problems, afraid to deal with the pain of exploring WHY they could not communicate, why they had no intimacy. Instead of dealing with that, he looked for a quick fix for his pain and turned to an affair. I made him feel important and wonderful. It was a major fantasy for us both. And even though we both felt a lot of pain over the years, we both CHOSE to stay involved. All this time, I wondered what was really happening at home. He would see me a LOT and his wife never questioned it. Quite honestly, she made it very easy for him to be with me. And looking back, I now know that I helped keep them together. They were on the brink of divorce when we met, once we started the affair, things at home settled down. Although they swept everything right under the rug, on the surface, it was pleasant enough at home. It must have been - no one rocked the boat and status quo remained for years. By the way, they had been married for 22 years - no children.
Fast forward again (sorry this is so long) About a year and a half ago, I began to look in the mirror and face the reality that this dream was not happening. I didn't want to be the OW for the rest of my life. The love we had WAS real. I know that. But it doesn't mean it was right or that it was meant to be. I knew his marriage was not good at all, but I began to realize that I could not save him. I had to look out for myself. MANY times over the years, I had left him, telling him I loved him enough to want him to be happy no matter WHERE he was. I encouraged him to make an effort with his wife and only then would he know if he should stay or go. But he refused, insisting he had nothing for her and knew what he wanted. That he just had to find the strength to tell her. Well, I had run out of time. I didn't stop loving him, but knew I HAD to move on, for both of us.
I beagn dating a single man. It was hard. I still loved MM but again, I knew I had to let go. I was forcing myself to detatch. Keep in mind, we still work together but contact at work is limited, we are in separate parts of the building. Anyway.....I told him I was dating and he was very sad but understood. I figured we both had just accepted that we needed to move on. We were parting as friends and as hard as it was, I knew it was right. Well, one day he SAW me with the new single guy and he flipped out. He began an all out campaign to get me back. What happended then I could not believe. He did all the things he said he wanted to do. He faced his wife and told her he wanted a divorce, he moved out, got an apartment five minutes down the road from me. His wife was very upset which confused me a lot. She never questioned him all the years we were in the affair, she even accused him of being gay many times since they were not having sex. All of a sudden, now she was very upset. I tried to make sure he knew what he was doing, encouraged him to get therapy to make sure he was doing the right thing for himself. He refused, saying he was 100% sure. He moved out and I told my single guy I had to stop seeing him. The relationship was only a month old. I felt bad but felt it was only fair to be honest. I didn't want to string him along. And, I still had feelings for MM and felt this was our chance. Well, the WEEK he moved into the apartment, he flipped out again. Seems all my warning that it was going to be a very difficult transition didn't prepare him enough. He was REALLY confused and his wife wanted him to come back. Well now I was devastated. How could he do this after all the convincing he did that THIS WAS IT! He had a six month lease and during those six months he was supposed to be thinking and making a decision. I stupidly hung on those six months hoping he'd see his way through. His wife waited too, and no one did anything. ALL THIS TIME, she never knew of me. How that's possible I do not know. Personally I believe deep down she knows there was someone else but didn't want to deal with it. I think they both avoid pain at ALL costs. Either that or she doesn't care about him which I find hard to believe, otherwise she wouldn't have cared when she left him. I was confused. He kept me at a distance those six months, seeing me only occasionally, never telling me he was divorcing, and never telling me he was going back either. I waited, figuring I had waited all these years, what was another six months.
Six months later he tells me he's going back home. I honestly thought I'd die,it was the lowest point in my life. I literally BEGGED him to make sure he knew what he was doing, to make sure he was going back for the RIGHT reasons - to work on his marriage - NOT because yet again he wanted to run away from the pain of his current situation. He told me it wasn't for lack of love for me, but that he just missed his home and his friends and he didn't think he could do it and he's sorry to have put me thru this etc etc. I was in so much pain but guess what? I dealt with it. It was a rough few months but I never stopped caring for him as a person and I forgave him and wished him well. The affair was never disclosed and apparently his wife was glad to have him back. That was a little less then a year ago. My relationship with the single guy resumed and has gone well. Not perfect, nothing is, but we are working toward a future. MM and I still work together and it's been ok. We managed to maintain some sort of friendship but NEVER go over any boundaries. We chat once in awhile at work. It's a given we still care for each other but honestly, as dissappointed I was and am sometimes, I WANT him to be happy. I WANT things at home to work for him andf or them.
This is the hard part - in the past month or so, he has begun to express extreme remorse and regret for going home, telling me it was a mistake, it's worse then ever and he misses me and loves me and wished he had given himself a chance to get over the adjustment. It makes me feel JUST AWFUL. He is jealous of my single guy, he says things at home are no better. No wonder they are no better - NOTHING was ever resolved or addressed by either or them. They just went right back where they were. Only now, I'm not there to make him happy so he's more miserable then ever and I'm sure he's being miserable at home and she's not saying anything and it's just getting worse by the second. I KNOW this isn't my problem but he wants me back. I still love him, I will always love him in my heart but I have moved on and I don't want to go down that road again. I had WARNED him before he went home NOT to come crying to me when nothing is any different at home. Yet, here he is. I have stayed tough and will NOT go down that road. Problem is, I DO care about him as a person and I hate seeing him in so much pain, even though I KNOW he's the only one who canwork thru it. It sounds weird, but I almost wish I could talk to his wife and say "Hey, I know you must love him, PLEASE communicate with him or he'll leave you again, and quite frankly he's your problem now and I don't want him on my doorstep" I know it sounds awful but that's what it's going to come to. As betrayed spouses, any idea what she might be thinking? How can your H leave you and come back and you get NO therapy no nothing. How can two adults expect things to get better? I know I don't know the whole story and I don't know all of her side, but is there anyway I can give her a heads up on her own husband? I feel awful that this is happening. Some OW would probably LOVE this, thinking GOOD, he deserves to be miserable but I don't feel this way,I don't want him to have any regrets. I want him to be happy. Is there anything I can do? I know this all sounds crazy, but if this was you and you were his wife, would you want to know? I don't want to start any trouble, I just want to move on. Believe me a part of me sometimes wants him back too, but I won't go down that road again. It's time to move on. Any advice at all? Thanks so much for listening.

lynxxy,,, you WERE young and stupid? you are 6 years older and it seems you haven't learned a thing. your poor mm is one confused t%rd. if this guy is 46 and not happy it is not your fault it is his. however i feel he is one of the happiest men (snake) on earth. why wouldn't he be? he has his poor, 40 something wife at home who whether she knows of his affair or not is willing to let him continue it after having carried on with it for 6 years. he also he also has a nice ( yet naive) young woman 14 years younger then himself who has taken his crap hook, line and sinker.<p>a couple of questions. 1- how do you know he doesn't have sex with his wife? maybe because he told you so? well you know for sure he is a liar as he has not told his wife of his affair. fear or no fear. what makes you think he loves you? because you have great sex, he buys you things, takes you to dinner? why not keep you happy so you won't blow the whistle on him? <p>bottom line in my humble opinion is he is just using you. sorry i am a mm who refused to face reality and that allowed my wife the freedom to have an affair. of which she has had a baby girl to add to our 6 kids and i don't know if our marriage will survive. her affair started similar to yours as she was having some confidence problems and went back to work after 21 years of raising our kids. where she met this snake who pursued her and took advantage of her during her time of confusion. this is in no way excusing my wife for making por choices on her part. but i tend to have little simpathy for any married person who doesn't give their partner the respect of simple honesty.<p>my advice to you would be to just thank him for the good times you managed together and move on with your life. he has no intention of making a life time commitment to you any how. after all you have already wasted 6 years of your life waiting for him.

Hi Lynxxy,<p>I am just going to try and share with you what comes from my heart about your situation. First of all, i feel sadness when i read that you wasted 7 years on this man. I feel sadness for his wife who was probably oblivious to the A, and then i feel sadness for MM. Nobody wins in a situation like this, as you have probably learned. I am sure you have spent many a lonely night while he slept beside his wife for the majority of those seven years. That is exactly why I don't understand why women or men stay in these relationships that are based on empty promises. Even after 2 years! you think these people (OW,OM) would get the hint that MP is not leaving his or her spouse. But 7 years! I truly am not surprised more I feel sad for you. But hopefully, you gained plenty of knowledge about life, people, marriages, affairs and how dishonesty on everyone's part will be destructive.<p>My best friend is involved in an A, it has been going on for 3-1/2 years, she is 28, he is 37, i think. He lives in FL, she in CA. It is a long distance affair that started from some golf seminar that they both attended in Las Vegas or something like that. She knows that I do not approve of this affair and where my stance is on it, biblically. <p>I guess what i want to share with you is that any way you slice this, any way you or MM try to justify your relationship, it can never be justified or right or OK. For 7 years, it was not ok, it was wrong, and hopefully you understand and are sorry for making a horrible decision that just kept snowballing. We all know right from wrong and i think we all agree that affairs are wrong, simple as that. Now if you truly believe that, you have your answer that you are looking for. Something tells me that you are fully not ready to let this guy go, or else you wouldn't be concerned with his well being. Unfortunately, you don't have the priveledge of being a friend anymore. That line has been crossed and you are nothing but temptation to him. It is in his best interest and the best interest of the marriage if you cut all ties now and leave the rest in God's hands. If you do talk to him on the phone and he asks for your opinion, I would encourage him to come clean with his wife, enough said and say good luck and goodbye.<p>Please, please, move on with the SG, you will be better off. It's time to repent of your sin, ask God for forgiveness and ask Him to bless your new life as you walk away from the one weakness that has been nothing but an emotional rollercoaster.<p>I wish that you could speak to my bf and just tell her that this is a no win battle. Even though they live in separate states, he travels a lot and usually flies her out to meet him. I believe she said that they see each other at least every 3 months...which has to be sad. But i also know that it is nothing but wining and dining and some great, passionate sex (her words) in hotels. She says he makes her feel wonderful and he tells her that she is amazing, tremendous, etc... and she just eats it up. <p>Sorry for kind of getting off your question... I just want to encourage you to stay strong. I don't know if you have a faith base, if you are christian or whatever, but there is a lot of power in the Lord. He can help you through this if you let Him. You are not alone, you are not the first to have an affair and you certainly aren't the last. I am glad you came here for support and hopefully, you find the strength to spend the rest of your life working towards being a woman of virtue and uncompromising integrity. It sounds like you have made the first step that was a long time coming. Just like you would never hope your mother, daughter, sister, friend would ever get caught up in a marital affair, remember to value yourself the same.<p>Praying for you,
God bless you,
Julia

Just have a minute to check in. Hopefully I'll have more time later to respond in full. But I wanted to thank you both for your advice. I feel I must clarify something you both seemed to have glossed over - the affair is OVER. I am not waiting for him, nor am I dwelling on 7 years "wated" In my mind they weren't wasted. I wouldn't do it again, but yes I loved him and I learned and I have moved on. I have found love and happiness in my new relationship. My dilema here is not should I go back to MM. That's not an option. I was simply sharing my feeling bad that he is in this state and my frustration that he is not dealing with his issues at home. I don't want him back, I know nothing for sure about his home life, just what I can conclude given the fact that she took him back and he's still trying to live his emotional life elsewhere. My problem is trying to see that I cannot fix THEM. They've got big problems and they are both to blame. They have both cheated during the marriage and both are big conflict avoiders. Are they having sex? I don't think so but I HOPE SO. And honestly I don't care. He is someone I once loved, I still care about as a person but I have a new life. It's selfish of him to try to hold me back. But I am not interested in going back. I have made peace with the past. He's is the one holding on and I'm sorry, I just wish he and his wife would dealwith their issues. Thanks for the advice. I didn't realize when I posted that this was the board for pregnancy and other children, but the advice is very appreciated. No one is perfect. He screwed up. I know he does love his wife. I just wish he'd focus on HER instead of me and quite honestly, I also wish she'd tune in a bit to her husband. Sorry - but I DO think it takes two to mess up a marriage so bad. Not blaming her but there's a lot to the story and let's just say I KNOW she knows. Anyway, thanks for the advice.

And Pops - I know you were not trying to insult, but just so you know - I'm NOT still stupid and naive. I've learned my lesson and moved on. He's the one acting like a child! Some MM NEVER grow up.

And Julia
With all due respect. I came for advice, not to be judged. I could sit here and say all the same about wives who keep their heads in the sand, sit there while their husbands come home at all hours of the night, leave for weekends at a time, move in and out of the house. There are a lot of wives who know perfectly well something is radically wrong and do NOTHING! Not all, but a lot. But that's not what my post was about. I didn't come here for you to take pity on me and tell me how stupid I am. I LEARED and I moved on. Yes, there were many lonely nights for me and many for her as she sat home alone while we were sleeping together all nights and weekends. NO ONE wins here. Not the wife, not the OW and as you can see from my story, NOT THE incredibly confused MM. Some of these MM are incredibly messed up and confused men who lack the abililty to deal with problems and are too scared and lazy to do the work it takes to get there. ALL sides of the traingle play a role in keeping an affair going got 7 years. She was NOT in the dark. She didn't say a word until he left her. ONLY THEN did she say a word, accused him of cheating and brought to light all her evidence of the past six years. It is not her fault he had an affair, but she plays 50% of the role of their sickly dysfunctional marriage. All I wish is that I could find a way to say - "HEY lady, wake up. Your H is off the freaking deep end."

Lynxxy <p>I am afraid you have struck a nerve with me and I can&#8217;t remain mute. I feel as if you have belittled me and many others here.

You have made an assumption about the BS in your specific case and projected it to many BS&#8217;s here. This is not a sensitive thing to do when the users of this site are for the most part attempting to find ways to ease the pain and repair their marriages. In the many people I have communicated with since d-day I find that most of them had vague suspicions that something was wrong in their marriage unless their spouse was very careless, but they did not have any idea there was another person involved. I for one went for 34 years accepting that this was the way marriage was supposed to be. Yes I am guilty of emotional neglect as I think you will find many BS&#8217;s will admit, but I do not feel that this constitutes as you say 50% of the problem. I was not in any way responsible for her choosing to have affairs outside of the marriage and I do not think of my marriage as sickly dysfunctional. We were good friends, had many good times, seldom had disagreements, always had frequent and satisfying sex, and raised two great children. I simply had fallen into a trap of ennui and non-emotional communication. I had nothing to compare my marital experience to and was unaware that anything was missing. If you asked me 18 months ago to rate my marriage on a scale of 1 to 10 I would have rated it at least 9 ½. It took my discovery of the second EMA for me to become aware that anything was really wrong. My wife never made any real attempt to express what was missing for her, she simply went and got it elsewhere. I think you will find that the instances of BS&#8217;s being aware of an EMA are extremely rare.
As for the &#8220;advice&#8221; you seek, your best strategy IMHO is to simply create as much distance from MM, his W and your emotional involvement as is possible. You may have now become the problem in his wife&#8217;s eyes and nothing you can do will make it any better. Just leave them alone and try to make peace with yourself. You are the only one over which you have any control.<p>Sorry if I sound harsh and I don't want to seem bitter, but as I said you hit an open wound in me.<p>I now am closer to my W than I have ever been but I would give anything to have gotten there by another route.

Good Luck with your SG and God bless<p>Usedlongago<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: Usedlongago ]</p>

Lynxxy,<p>I am not here to judge you or your actions. I have read, and understood, that you are no longer involved w/ this MM, but that you do work with him. Here is my advice, and as my Daddy says, advice is free--free to take it or ignore it.<p>Now, if this relationship is over, it should be so completely. This guy is still married, and is a big boy! He needs to take responsibility for his actions and work on his marriage, w/out your help. Yes, his W is part of the problem, but in a very real sense, so are you. The big difference is he was, and still is married to his W. That means that he either doesn't have the b@!!$ to leave her, or is what is termed as a cakeman(wants his cake and eat it too!) I personally feel that he sat on the fence so long(6 yrs!!) that he castrated himself and lost his cajones! The best thing for you to do is JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE! Your further involvement is not helping, no matter what part you are playing, be it friend or OW, you need to just stay away! If you are perfectly(or almost perfectly, as no relationship is perfect)happy in your current relationship, then tell MM. A relationship like this, is so different from two single people, falling "in love", and then breaking up, but remaining friends. There was never a prior vow taken w/someone else to love and cherish till death they do part! In this case, being "just friends" is not an option. You need to tell him to grow up, deal with the mess you all made of his marriage, and let you be! If at all possible, for your own sanity, could you change jobs, or employers? How about chang your phone number(s) or get call block, where you can block his number from being accepted at your home or cell(if you have one)? Believe me, there are ways to stop him, and if his W is not wanting to see what is going on, right in front of her face, than she doesn't need you to wake her up. Believe it or not, she probably knows exactly what's going on, but is just so used to such treatment, is afraid to leave! I've known many women who felt just that way, afraid to try to be on their own after being with someone for so long! Just something to think about! <p>BTW, I have been, sort of, in your shoes, and when I broke it off w/xOM, we did all of the above, in regards to phone stuff! And guess what.....IT WORKED!!!!!! Tell him that you've moved on, and he needs to deal with his marriage on his own, w/out your help. Because, whether you mean it this way or not, your help is making it worse! Like Julia said, you CAN'T be friends, as that line was crossed over 6 years ago, and you will always be a temptation to him, whether you want it to be that way or not! Let him go, let the friendship die, cause it's only going to cause more problems the longer you hold on to it.<p>Tigger

No Usedlongago. I did NO such thing as to lump all wives into the same category. I was responding to Julia who lumped all OW in the same category - ie how could they be so stupid etc etc. All I am saying is I could sit here and say the same about a lot of wives. My post asked about MY particular situation where I am STILL being pursued by the MM who went back home and how to deal with it. I would think as betrayed spouses you'd agree his wife should know. If he continues to bother me I WILL tell his wife as he is HER problem now, not mine. All situations are different. That means not ALL wives are in the dark. SOME stay married for the money, convenience etc and figure as long as they can live the way THEY want to, it's ok what he does. In my case, that's what happened. She has him now and quite frankly I'd like her to do her job because I'm sick and tired of doing it. She's no angel ladies. She had sex with her married boss in their bed and was caught in the act. THAT was swept under the rug too. They are both sick and I am tired of being in the middle. They both seekout other people to avoid dealing with each other. I'm tired of it. I didn't lump all wives into her category. That's as wrong as lumping all OW in the same category. Sure, what they did was wrong, but so is what the cheating husband did. Somehow they are forgiven.

Tigger
Thanks for the advice. Yes, I am currently looking for another job, despite his practiclaly BEGGING me to stay. It's easier saod then done to not be a friend to someone when you have shared such a history. I am not talking about sex, but a real, very deep friendship that people may never have with their spouses. When you've been there for each other thru ups and downs, death and illness, it is very hard to turn your back. In my mind it is a shame he has not moved on as I have. I know many poeple in my shoes where both HAVE moved on completely but have been able to remain friends. Because he is so completely obsessed with this makes that impossible and that's a shame. I agree with you that she knows just what is happening and I don't think she wants to know.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Sure, what they did was wrong, but so is what the cheating husband did. Somehow they are forgiven. <hr></blockquote><p>well....the day my OW calls me and asks for forgiveness I will remind her what I told her the night she called me, " I have forgiven you and I have forgiven my H". <p>Her response to me, "I didn't ask for nor do I need your forgiveness".<p>I forgive my H because he has shown true remorse. Our situation is of a different nature than yours and ours involves an OC with a pychotic woman.
I really don't see that you have a child born out of your affair? Perhaps you would be better served on another board which is better suited for your unique situation???<p>you are welcome here, but this is for pregnancy/children born of an A.<p>I hope you find the answers you are looking for.<p>I'm sorry that I cannot advise you. I just don't want to be "lumped" either...<p>hugs and prayers to you,
Twiisty

In her heart she already knows. Please leave these people alone and get on with your life. I was THE WIFE and I cannot begin to describe the emotional torture that adultery causes. It makes me so angry to know you knew the truth and went forward with the affair. When you found out he was married you should have turned and run the other way. I'm going to pray for you and I would encourage you to seek counseling. I can sense a terrible hurt in your heart and I promise no man can fill that emptiness(married or not). Only God can.

Lynxxy,<p>In reading your story I almost thought for a moment that you were my OW with little bits and pieces changed. Parts of your story are so similar to mine. <p>My H's A began about 6 years ago, it was with his young assistant, he is 12 yrs. older. What began as a very close friendship crossed the boundry. This long term relationship produced 2OC. Did I have a clue? Like others I suspected, even questioned, OW even called me to tell me under no circumstances was she involved with H other than friendship, so I trusted them. <p>Dday was 10 months ago, the A has been over for 15 months, and we are working thru this, but the most difficult hurdle in our recovery is H and OW are still working together. Finally thru company restructuring, Ow will be reporting to someone else. <p>I am glad, speaking from the BS point of view that you are looking for another job, and hope that it will work out for you. I understand the pain you are feeling about losing the special friendship you had with MM, that is what my H regrets losing (besides the damage to our M). But now the boundries have to be set, no more friendship, no crossing the line, that is the only way I can begin to trust. <p>Obviously with us having visitation with OC there is communication between H, OW, and myself, but we try to keep everything like a business relationship. Therapist said that one can be friendly, but not be friends. <p>I hope you are able to move on with your life. <p>Tina

Angelwings
NO ONE had ever made me as angry as you have "Leave these people alone" You have a lot of nerve lady. THIS MAN, THIS VERY, VERY MARRIED MAN WON'T LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! Don't YOU GET IT. You sense a hurt in MY heart? I have been with a wonderful single man for a year and we plan to marry. Don't preach to me that I should have run when I knew he was married. NO FREAKING KIDDING! I cannot change the past but AT LEAST I AM DOING THE RIGHT THING NOW UNLIKE the H. Seems you just want to believe I am to blame for this mess. We BOTH made the mistake and it's OVER. THIS idiot doesn't want to face it. Don't you tell me to leave them alone, I am not bothering them. But is this JERK doesn't leave me alone I WILL call his wife. I am SICK of this. You have nerve lady. If his wife knows of all this crap, she's guilty of doing NOTHING. NO WONDER they are so messed up. Hurt in my heart? Honey, I'm not the one sending desperate, pathetic, begging emails and letters. HE IS. He and his wife should wake the heck up. Who do you think you are? "leave them alone" I wish more then anything in the world he'd go to her and LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!

And don't bother praying for me, you need to save it all for prayers for yourself. Take your own advice and apply it to your life and maybe your marriage will improve. Save your judgements for your husband. I came here honestly looking for the best way to deal with this. And I've BEEN to counselling dear lady and it helped me a great deal to move on. The man I am with now is a wonderful partner. Too bad the husband and wife in this sick little marriage are too lazy and stupid and do the same by getting therapy. No one wins in these situations, but believe me, I am the one doing the best at this point. There still at the same stupid stalemate they've been in for the last 20 years. But guess what? THEIR PROBLEM NOW, NOT MINE!!!!!
Get therapy - you need to learn to stop lashing out at others who came here for advice because you are SO angry with your own husband. I'll pray you find SOME peace because I can see how very angry and bitter you are!!

Tina
I am so sorry for your pain and I am thankful there were no chilren in my situation but I would have never let that happen. In any case, I am glad you are working things thru with your H. Part of the problem here is my exMM never disclosed the affair and she never pushed the issue. So, what are they working on? Nothing. It was all swept under the rug. It's too bad it didn't come out but I firmy believe neither of them wanted to deal with it. It's only making things erode more and I am sure she has tons of resentment toward him for leaving. Nothing was ever dealt with. That's the problem. I wanted some way to tell her, not that there was an affair but to give her some kind of heads up that she needs to tune in a little but unless he really continues bugging me, I am not going to bother. Believe it or not, I want her to know so they can try to work thru things, but a bigger part of me knows that the reason they don't is that they are too lazy to and that's a shame. But again, it's not my problem. I am sure they know how to open the yellow pages. If she wants to continue the denial and he wants to continue to isolate her, that's their choice. They will unfortunately end up in another affair situation and they will live in an empty shell forever with intimacy nowhere to be found. That's sad, but many therapists who deal with affairs can explain how this is what happens when nothing is dealt with. Nothing with them got dealt with because he was too much of a coward to put it on the table and she was too much of a wimp to force it there. That's their problem. Thanks for your advice and good luck to you.

We are ALL human, we ALL make mistakes. The important thing is whether we LEARN from them and don't repeat them. I know I'm not repeating them, too bad it's not the same with the cheater.

Lynnxy,<p>Call me dense...but how exactly have you moved on? I see someone posting on a website to total strangers about a man that you are supposed to be "over". In your posts, you talk about not only what an idiot he and his wife are but how much you cared for each other and what a deep friendship you had AND you said you still love him. You are still at the same job site and still accepting his emails and phone calls. You can block both. <p>Call me stupid...but I see a woman who has spent several days at a website justifying contact of any kind with this man. Have you read Dr. Harley's principals? I do not see where you have it made it abundantly clear to MM that you over, finished, no hope, go away, don't call, or I will put a restraining order against your a$$! There are mixed messages being sent in all different directions here. <p>Since you say that you don't know that much about the wife, then why are you believing what the MM tells you. How do you know that she is being stupid? How do you know that she doesn't know exactly what H is doing? We cannot assume that she has not chosen to do everything including counseling. MM says they are not in counseling...but obviously, he lies.<p>I think what you need to understand is that you are speaking out of both ends of your a$$. Sorry, but that is what I think and I never mince my words. If you want to move on...then do it. With conviction, strength, and morals, walk away and dont give one glance back worrying about what wife knows, should know, or should do. This is their relationship, as warped and unhealthy as it may be. And, if wife is all you say, what makes you think that telling her about her husband will make one bit of difference. All that does is keep YOU involved in THEIR marriage.<p>I am glad that you have a found a man who is attentive only to you and loves you. Go enjoy your life with him and do whatever it takes to get rid of MM. I am sorry if you feel attacked by this, but it baffles me that you cannot see that this entire post session from beginning to end shows just how much you are NOT over MM and just how much you have NOT moved on. <p>You cannot be friends at all. Unfortunately, you never should have been to begin with. But please, don't for a minute believe that coming to a website, especially this forum, that we, as betrayed spouses, can possibly help a woman who is still "involved" with her MM. Until you have truly moved on, you will not find help here.<p>Bintheredunthat....HELP!!!! You need to post to her L. She has truly been there and done that, and maybe she can help you. Or help us understand where the HE%% you are coming from.<p>Good luck! I do wish you and your new boyfriend the best and that you will be able to make MM get a clue. But YOU, have to do what is necessary and move on.<p>[ February 20, 2002: Message edited by: tryin4sainthood ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lynxxy:
<strong>I did NO such thing as to lump all wives into the same category. I was responding to Julia who lumped all OW in the same category - ie how could they be so stupid etc etc. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Lynx, Go re-read my reply... nowhere did i even infer the question, 'how could ow be so stupid?" <p>
You still love the MM.
You are not even close to being "over" him.
and lastly, after all the time and effort you put towards trying to win him, he still chose his wife. <p>Trust me, it's not that he doesn't love his w, he does. He just lacks the strength and confidence to reconcile his marriage. This kind of thing takes time so just leave them alone. <p>Simply, if you truly want his marriage with his W to be wonderful, which i really doubt you do, all you can do is PRAY for him and cut off all ties to him. And if he still doesn't leave you alone, file a restraining order. <p>This is NOT your problem, like you said, nor do they want it to be your problem so just disappear from their lives.

Ladies,<p>Does anyone else see the same writing style as a former poster? This is funny every few months some new person pops up with a diferent story but when they are upset they keep doing the same thing. Just wondering if anyone else noticed?<p>Unsure