Hi I'm new here and have a long story but have had hard enough time posting it so I won't cause I want to actually get this question out without crying. But here is the really short version. <p>My SO of four years cheated on me several times, this time he got a girl pregnant. I am 28weeks along myself she says she is 2mths. We also have a 16mth old son together. We live in a town 2+ hours away from any of our family, and I have decided that I cannot deal with this OC or its mother and even if I could summon up the strenght I just don't want to. I despise my SO and the OW for creating this situation and since I am not married to SO yet I have no intention of involving myself with her for the rest of my life, which means no more me and him. Even more than that I hate that my children will be related to hers, and right now I am not a big enough woman to make this child family.. The reason that statement bugs me so much is because for 4years SO has been taking care of my daughter from a previous relationship as if she were his own, but I don't doubt he would feel just like I do if my daughter had been conceived from an affair. Two, I now have decided to leave him, which means I will be moving back to my family quite a bit away from him,and he will not have the full time access to our kids as he has now. But he will be close to hers [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] That also makes me very angry to know that they have caused my children to lose their father and this other child gets to be with him, if he chooses to which I don't know yet, but I think he will. Anyway I have thought about staying here so they can be closer to him, but I don't know anyone here, and have no car, or job, and really don't want to stay in this new town with him across the way and us not together. I'm not sure what my question is, but I need help. Am I being a bitter b****? Should I stay close for my kids, even if it makes me miserable? Or is this something he just has to deal with as consequences of his actions?<p>Bridgette

i am sorry to have to greet you to this site but i am glad you found us. just my humble opinion from your discription of how you feel it should just be his lose. you need to do what is best for YOU. he is a big boy and he can fend for himself. he seems to have done ok so far.<p>
good luck,
pops

Sad to say today I am waivering, but only a little. I'm still packing but am wondering what if I stayed, could it work? I will always believe in people's ability to change but thats not the point. What about this kid, would I be wrong to disengage myself, and not let this child be sibling to mine (being that they are blood related)? Is it evil of me to deny the child because his parents did wrong? I know that right now I'm not in any position to open my heart to this child, and I don't mind it a bit. I wish the child and its mother would go away. But I can't help but feel guilty about that. I try my best to not be an ugly person, cause I know God does not like ugly. But I cannot see past how this came to be. I hate that my children will not have their father and this child will. I almost wish he would deny it and have nothing to do with it, but I know how the child will feel if that happens. I am so confused, I'm sure my posts make no sense at all. I must be rambling by now. If only I could turn back the hands of time...Who decided this would be my fate, to have two children with a man and then be put in a situation that makes for no future for us. My daughter did not have her father around and I see the difference in her and my son who has his father everyday. There is a big difference. I have really f***ed up my life.I'm sorry that i keep spilling to you all like this, but thank you for listening. I just wish I could stop crying.<p>Wishing God would push the ff button on my life.<p>Bridgette(23)
stupid SO(25)
Ariel(7), Keith jr (16mths)
and Kila? (due May9)

Some1s mom,
Please don't feel guilty about your feelings.
Given a choice I wouldn't want to be involved with my H ocs , but then given a choice, I wouldn't want him to have an Affair. <p>I have chosen to attempt to be involved with OC only because I have 26 years of marriage at stake, and promised I would try. <p>There are many wonderful men and women here to give you encouragement and support.<p>PS. I love your name, wanted that for my own daughter [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Tina

Hi some1s_mom ~ Sorry it took me so long to get over here and post, I've been dealing with a family emergency and haven't been on the boards much.<p>When I filed for divorce, I planned to move to VA to be near family for support, because I had NO support in NJ.<p>Here's my reasoning behind that decision:<p>My H decided to leave us. My H decided to have an affair, and as far as I could tell with the information I had at hand, he was making long term life plans with a woman who had 2 children of her own. So...clearly...I could expect that my H's time, financial support, and energy was going to be split btwn his new family and his children.<p>Did I like the reality that he made those choices? Absolutely NOT. But I had to acknowledge that he could make those choices, just as I had the freedom to do also. There was nothing stopping ME from walking out on my kids for a good time either. I had to realize that while his choices meant short term gain, that long term, his relationship with his children would never be close or fulfilling. I on the other hand, while struggling in the short term, would be rewarded with the love and respect of my children.<p>So when I changed my thinking from victim-mode to free thinking choosing mode, I did lose some of my resentments. Obviously I still remained angry at him for hurting our children and denying them what they needed for his own gain. But I couldn't do anything about that.<p>What was most important was to realize that the reality was that he WAS doing these things. And that as a result, I needed to be absolutely sure that I was in the best possible position to provide my children with both financial and emotional support. Otherwise, my children were going to lose BOTH parents since I would be overwhelmed trying to work and provide what my H was not giving to them. I needed help. In order to be the best possible mom I could be, especially since my h was choosing not to be the best possible dad, in fact barely a dad, I needed to move near my family.<p>Now, I did make clear to my H that he was more than welcome to move to VA to be near the kids. I encouraged him to think about possible living arrangements and to look for a job down there. He was single and had no attachments (aside from the OW).<p>I didn't want to keep the kids from my H. I wanted to encourage him to be involved with them as much as possible. <p>But honestly? My H's relationship with his children was HIS responsiblity. All I decided that I was responsible for was in making sure that I could manage as a mother so that my kids suffered less, AND I could with in reason, leave the door wide open for my H. It was HIS choice to walk through that door.<p>I hope this helps.

There's excellent advice here, just pushing it to the top for some1 to read!<p>Tigger

Some 1s_mom,<p>One thing that jumps out at me from your first post is that your SO cheated on you several times. That says a lot about him. If he's already done it several times, what would stop him from continuing this behaviour? I think that your leaving with the kids is, as you say, a consequence of his behavior. YOU ARE NOT THE GUILTY PARTY HERE!!!! <p>Of course it's best for kids to have their father around, but he pretty well messed that up, not you! You have NOT f***ed up your life, your SO did!!! I am in a similar situation, although I have been married for over 10 years. My H had an affair, child was born last September. There is no way I could ever open my heart to this child. There continued to be lies from my H and that, along with some other issues have led me to file for divorce. My H continues to beg me to change my mind...he doesn't want to lose our family, but then he had complete control over that, didn't he! <p>We don't know what God has in store for us around the corner, but I am trusting that He will give us what we need.<p>Good luck !!!

You are so right. but still I am at at odds with myself abot this situation. When he was gone for a few days (he does comedy) I had it straight in my mind, and now he's back and of course begging. That makes it very hard to keep my wits about me and stick to my guns. We were in the middle of some very important family issues when dday happened and it seems to be taking forever to clear them all up, though its only been 6days it feels like forever. He says this girl is not pregnant, that she has told him so. I would really like to know the truth about that so I have told him WE will find out together. I don't know if she'll go for it or not. The thought that she was pregnant was all I needed to leave, because that I cannot deal with. Now when faced with the possibility that she just faked it to get him I am back to a place I know too well. Leaving the serial cheater. While I know it has to be done, I just don't want to. The oc made that decision so much easier. I don't know what my deal is that has kept me with him every time he cheated, I'm a smart girl ( at least I always thought so) I know better. But it's almost as if he has some strange hold on me, and I keep believing he can change. So I've got a foot right by the door. Pray for me. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Bridgette