HELP!!! I am very close to my parents, but my fiance has informed me that there is only US, me and her. My parents have twice told me to not tell my fiance something and eventually she digs around and finds out what it is since I cannot lie to her. My fiancee is the center of my life, but at the same time I do not want to break my trust with my parents.. She says either it is US and I tell her everything my parents say or nothing... Any suggestions?????

John...my sister in law is the same exact way your wife is..and my brother was very very close to my parents before she came into Jeff's life. I would love to get to know Chelsea - and so would my parents..but our hearts are hardening towards her..I actually wish my brother would divorce her and protect his children from growing up to be like her. She is so incredibly selfish. Others..many others..not just us say this about her. Chelsea is that way..she has not talked with me once since Sept.2000.. She lost a baby in a marriage prior to meeting my brother..and when my husband and I lost a baby at 14 weeks along..and I almost passed away she couldn't even waste one precious minute to pick up the phone, call me and say she was sorry we had to go through that and she's glad I'm ok.. My parents are getting up in age and their health is starting to fail..and John..I can honestly tell you that I have no hope except from a miracle from God that my parents and brother will ever talk in the same room together ever again - or speak on the phone without an argument...all because of this woman. I detest her with all of my heart and it is hard to forgive when she is so insecure and controlling...dominating..and selfish that she would tell the man of her life that he can not have contact with the 2 people that gave her HUSBAND to him in the first place..If it weren't for your parents your wife wouldn't even have the honor of knowing you in the first place..I am all for the leaving parents and becoming one..but you do not have to throw out the baby with the bathwater so to speak...whatever happened to extended family??? My own extended family is forever torn asunder because of the selfishness of a woman like your wife. My own 3 yr old son will probably never get to know his only cousins he will ever have.. Emma and Silas.. he will probably never get to go to a family reunion or play with them all because this woman has decided that Jeff's prior life and family prior to her has no place in their "US" My parents will never get to see 2 of their grandchildren..nor the grandchildren get to have the love and knowledge of their grandparents or a hug from them... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> My child is having to suffer in not getting to ever know his cousins...my parents never getting to see/speak with/have good times with their only son..because of a selfish "US" woman..please before you have children with her..think if you could honestly give up any and all contact with your parents for the rest of your life.. If she demands this of you now..what is coming next??
I say this from the depths of my heart...
"US" only..excluding everyone else..at what cost ??

Sincerely,
Kimberly
aka M2P

Your fiance is right. The Policy of Radical Honesty applies here. So, whatever you and your parents discuss is open to the relationship. the Policy of Joint Agreement applies to any conversations you have with your parents. So, if she is not enthusiastic about you sharing information with them - you don't.

It would be very interesting to see if your fiance holds it just as important to have the Policy of Radical Honesty when it comes to dealing with HER parents and HER conversations. Having first hand experience with this type of woman and the double standards that reek from her..and how similar your fiance sounds to her...I doubt she would hold herself to the same standard she's wanting from you. It is not just about conversation here...it is about a controlling type personality who wants everything their way..by cracky if she says you don't talk to your parents about a b c d and you do..you bad boy you she's going to have to punish you...You see Takola in your perfectly working theoretical world Policy of Radical Honesty works just hunky dorey and all..but in the real world where real people can and do get hurt by very controlling people such as John's fiance.. well it just isn't simple as that. Maybe you need to read deeper in between the lines of what John was saying. Oh and I was just wondering..do you do Policy of Radical Honesty with your children or others too? "Sorry honey but I've got to practice radical honesty..Santa Clause is not real never has been and by the way there isn't a reindeer named Rudolf either"
My sister in law is the US or them sort like John's fiance and it has nothing whatsoever to do with radical honesty..it has to do with her seeking control and whipping my brother and trying to demasculate him so she can feel like boss of one more person. Her mother is the same way. Just be careful John... you still have a chance to escape if it is about the issue of control. I would suggest you turn this around on her and ask her to tell you EVERYTHING *she* has said to *her* parents..I doubt she will. If she doesn't...CONTROL ISSUE.......and I suggest to get out of dodge and quick.

First of all, I would appreciate it if you would discourse with me in a respectful manner.

Now, to respond to your post:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh and I was just wondering..do you do Policy of Radical Honesty with your children or others too? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, Dr. Harley makes it very clear that the Policy of Radical Honesty is between the spouses and only spouses.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I doubt she would hold herself to the same standard she's wanting from you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You doubt it but you do not know. She needs to have the issue put before her. If she doesn't want to, that is when you put the POJA into action and negotiate a mutually enthusiastic solution.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> but in the real world where real people can and do get hurt by very controlling people such as John's fiance.. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it is you that are making assumptions. You are assuming that she is very controlling. We don't know that. We have 1/2 of the story - his. I also think you are reading too much of your own situation into his very brief, and relatively detail-free, post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">HELP!!! I am very close to my parents, but my fiance has informed me that there is only US, me and her. My parents have twice told me to not tell my fiance something and eventually she digs around and finds out what it is since I cannot lie to her. My fiancee is the center of my life, but at the same time I do not want to break my trust with my parents.. She says either it is US and I tell her everything my parents say or nothing... Any suggestions????? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says in here "I cannot lie to her". Good. That's the Policy of Radical Honesty. He says in here "my parents have asked me not to tell my fiance something". This is bad and can come in between the relationship.

He gives no examples as to what led her to ask this. No specifics.

In light of that, the general answer is that the Policy of Radical Honesty applies to the relationship and so does the Policy of Joint Agreement.