Just want you understand before you go any further - because you support the idea that the H is just as much to blame for the existance of the OC and because you support the nobrainer that of course they need to be responsible and be fathers, you are considered a crasher.
There are some here who have blatantly posted that the OC is nothing, that it's not their fault OC is here therefore they feel NO guilt for the fact that not only do they support but they insist on their husbands totally abandoning their children. It's a sad commentary on our society's selfishness and refusal to take responsibility for their actions. I don't post anymore because it sickened me, but wanted to at least give you warning. There are many other places where you will receive support for your beliefs. Try any normal person's kitchen table. Good luck to you and congratulations on having the strength to stand up for what is right in this mixed up world.

Emily
Thank you so much for your post. I shared it with my SO...who's read all the other replies as well.While this is no means easy for any of us, we'll muddle thru it..hopefully doing the right thing. I was hoping for a place to help me heal here, but all I see is saddness and bitterness and the refusal to move on and try to be happy for the most part.<p>Peace

To both of you guys(EL and DG). I had decided yesterday that I was not going to post anymore but after reading this and the posts form new member Fred, I think I have changed my mind. I don't know if you've read any of my posts but I believe that we think alike in this situation. I will try not to post as if I'm preaching but I'm not going to be bullied out of here just because I'm in the minority.

I would just like to add that it's ok to be in the minority, as long as you are respectful about it. Making blanket statements about "all men who chose no contact" would be like me making blanket statements that "all OW's and OC's..." etc...etc...<p>I try to be supportive in everyone's situation. I respect your views that a man should be there for their child that they created. No one disagrees or argue for that point of view. They are your views. You have a right to them. We are a variety of different people here with different situations. From different culteral, religious and geographical differences.<p>I support you to do what you know is best for your family and I would hope and pray that you would support our decision for what is best for our family. <p>Truth be known....no one wins in this situation...there's hurt and sorrow for all involved.<p>Just my two cents,<p>Respectfully,
Twiisty<p>You don't always have to like what people do, just as others don't have to like what you do, but Praise God, we have the freedom to do what is best for our families and move on.<p>All of us are at various stages of recovery and I would be lying if I told you I didn't harbor fear, anger and hurt at my betrayal. and I fully blame my husband 100% as well as my OW. I have softened over the last ten months and will be coming up one year on 05/01 of finding out about my OC who is 2 now. (two weeks older than my DD).
I never hated the child. I Hate what OW and my H did to create this situation. BUT THANK GOD I found this site!!! People here listened to me vent, rant and rave. When something new happened, they were here to help me.<p>I used to be staunch NO CONTACT, but as time went on, and I read the boards, and as I prayed and let the LORD and time heal my heart, I have learned that there are a variety of situations.
I have relented my stance on that to WHAT WORKS BEST FOR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED. <p>OC's do have faces. They feel. They cry. They hurt. So do Betrayed spouses and their children.<p>I guess to boil this down to one statement about my observations is this....<p>I learned from this board. I learned that some OC's have faces and that their mama's and step-mama's are doing all they can for the best interest of ALL parties involved.<p>I learned that despite best intentions, some OW's have ruined everything in a WS's marriage...(the old, "If I can't have him no one will" adage")<p>I learned that in some cases no contact is the best because of OW's fatal attraction like tactics can literally destroy a home and the children that live there.<p>I have learned that we all run the gamut of feelings when d-day hits...some of us post here for the first time raw with emotion and anger and screaming and shaking their fists at God and everyone else.<p>Some posted just telling their story and where they are at at that particular time in their marraige, their lives and asking advice rather calmly.<p>Truth be told...I have seen alot of emotions, some pretty raw and angry...but I have seen some evolve (as I hope mine has) as we move on in the healing process.<p>Grief and anger over this doesnt' resolve itself overnight. Some get stuck on a certain area for a long time. I personally am stuck in the anger phase myself and if I don't stop beating my H in the head about certain things, I risk ruining my marriage by my own hands. I admit this and that is what counseling is about.<p>I personally feel that if you chose contact and you hold the opinion that all men are losers because they don't have full emotional contact with their OC's than that is your right and beliefs. I do think it's unfair that I'm lumped in that category,but that's ok...I can live with that. You have a right to your beliefs and part of that freedom is the right to express it.
It won't change my situation though. But I'm glad to see that you and your families have found something that worked for you.<p>I welcome respectful interchanges. I feel that perhaps I can learn from you as to why you feel what you feel and know what you know. I hope someone can learn from me...I doubt it....but truth be told....everyone here teaches all of us something...even if it's just learning more about them as a person.<p>SO, welcome to the board, but please try not to argue, I will do my best to not argue also.<p>again.....<p>Respectfully,
Twiisty

Twisty, I hope you will read my 2nd post under "hello, I must be going" to see that I do not hold a blanket statement. Having no contact but still having concern goes much much further than no contact/no concern. I admit that being new here that some of things I have read made my blood boil but I am calming down now.

As a new person here I was so relieved to find out that "I'm not the only one". Not one of my friends in my "real" life has been supportive of my choices. I realize that not everyones situation is the same, but I'm going to hold firm to my convictions that any man or woman that lays down with someone has a moral obligation to in the very least provide financial support.
My first posting was very shortly after d-day...I was angry..I'm still angry.My emotions are taking a rollercoaster ride..Some of what I read here as Want it back stated...made my blood boil, I understand that most OC are not wanted and some OW can and are nothing more than manipulators. I do applaude everyone for being brave enough to share their experiences as painful as they are...
Twiisty I've read numerous postings of yours and always take something positive away. I wish that I could be that eloquent..instead I come off with guns blazing?? I think that's what someone said...LOL, thats just me...
I had decided to not post anymore and work thru this on my own...but truth be told...I keep reading this because ...someone just might have something to say that just might make things a little bit better. Lord knows I want them to be!
Peace!<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: DocsGirl ]</p>