This is my first post and I've only read a few of the other posts but I am really upset over how the OC are being talked about. They are innocent and are not to blamed!!! They did not ask to be born into situations like these. Yes, I had a 3 yr affair after 11 yrs of marriage that gave me a beautiful baby girl now 9 months old. I found out I was pregnant after I had ended it with the OM. I told my husband I was pregnant as soon as I found out. He had already known about the A. We both discussed my options and when I knew I could never have an abortion we discussed if he would be able to love this child. I knew if he couldn't then I would not be staying with him. He said that this baby was part of me and he loved me therefor he had no doubt that he would love her too. And he does, just as much as he does our other two children. Yes, I realize how very lucky I am to have him. I actually have a question here. My daughters father is a part of her life. He has visitation 3 times a week. Currently he picks her up and drops her off. After reading the material on this site it seems that it is very important after an affair has ended to never see the OM again. Obviously that will not work in my situation. Is there anyone else out there who has had to continue contact with the OM or W after the affair has ended, and if so what kinds of problems has it presented. Right now my H and I are pretty much on the right track. We've had some minor setbacks. Some due to the OM still being around and some not. Any insight will be appreciated. Thanks

Want it Back<p>I don't think you have to tell any of us that the other child is an innocent person, we already know that. But just because it is does not mean we are obligated to love it or even acknowledge it. Some of us will choose to and some of us will not, that is our decision to make, and if it is looked down on by some of the more righteous, then ok. I am not your husband, maybe I'm selfish, or call it whatever you like, I'm not the type of person to say that child is apart of you so I love it, I'm just not there yet, might not ever be. Right now that child is a part of something I hate. I'm not saying I hate the child (unborn though it is) but I definately do not love it. I have no intentions right now of even trying to. If the OW is upset that her child is being treated unfairly then she should have thought about that before conceiving it with someone else's husband/mate.<p>Kudos for your husband for being so open to loving your child. There are many like him, but just remember that everyone has a right to how they feel and please don't pass judgement on someone just because you do not agree with them. There are alot of people here who are very kind and have alot to offer but doubt they will talk to you if you come in with your guns drawn. God Bless.<p>Bridgette

I am not saying that the husband or wife of someone who has had OC from an affair has any obligation to that child whatsoever!! You misunderstand. It is the blood parents, mother or father, that I can't understand wanting nothing to do with these children. All I am reading is how these men are getting the OW pregnant and then wanting nothing to do with these kids. That, I'm sorry, I just don't understand.

Dear Want...<p>Well, I am sort of in your shoes, the major difference is that the xOM does not know about Abbi! We also pray that he never does find out! I think that you reading a little has not given you the full effect that many of these women have been and are going through. There are some who have visitation, some who've tried visitation that it went south, and some who could not handle visitation. They all have their own personal reasons, but the main reason is due to the xOW's behaviour towards the W and the children from the marriage. But, everyone here, including those w/out visitation, agree that the most innocent in all this mess is the OC! Many times, those w/out visitation, are going through such he!! due to the xOW claiming child abuse when the child was out playing with his/her half sisters/brothers, and bumped his/her head/arm/leg. Yes, it has happened here, and it is not a pretty sight to have to go through that! That is one of the more recent things that has happened here, and it tends to make the blood pressure around her go a little crazy, if you know what I mean.<p>I believe that the one who has currently stated her views on the OC was Gemini1. Just so you know, last year, the xOW put her and her H through he!! and back with this baby, and continued for months after the baby was born! We lived through the trials and tribulations of Gem wanting to support her H and his wish to be involved with this little baby. Now, this xOW was/is(?) married, and her H decided he wanted to remain married, after having left for an unknown number of months. Also, this xOW is "rich" but had taken them to court(I believe) for CS, but didn't want Gem in the picture. Even went so far as saying that she(gem) was old and "no wonder her H went to her(OW)" that she "knows" that gem's H wants her(OW) back.......it went on for weeks, with letters, emails, and such! How could her marriage be repaired when this person continued to knock the walls of the marriage back down everytime they turned around. They were able to have the baby one day before xOW started in ernest to ruin the rest of their marriage! Let alone her own!<p>That is just one case where the decision for no contact was made. Unfortunately, it caused such tension, that the no contact is very much necessary, as they don't want contact w/xOW either! And, to a mother's eyes, their child is THE most important in the world, right? Well, this OC, even though innocent, is being used as a pawn in many cases. If asked, these W's do worry about the OC, but only in the sense that it is a child, not in any other way. In our situations, our Hs have decided to be the "daddy" to our little girls, which takes some very special(even just saw that on a bumper sticker) There are other men on this board who have also made the decission to be the "daddy". They don't post as often, and even a couple of them are having a hard time with their situations as well! But, all, even those who have recently said the OC means nothing to them, agree that the OC is THE innocent in all this!<p>Our cases are quite a bit different than theirs are. We were the ones who had the OC, and our H chose to remain in the marriage and raise the baby with the other children. My story is quite long, and involved, but a shory synopsis is that on D-day, xOM became VERY violent, attacking my H and even threatening my H's life. That is only one of the reasons for no contact. The other is that our marriage needs to be between my H, Myself and God. There is no room for an additional person in the marriage! That is what happens when you involve an OP, and a marriage takes so much longer to heal, as that OP is a constant reminder that someone messed up! Yes, the babies are reminders as well, but Abbi will know the love of a "Daddy", even though she is not his biologically, she is his in every way that counts! I know, I've gone on and on about this, but what every child needs is stability, and love. In our case, that stability and love is provided by my H and I and there is no room for the xOM. That is why he was never told about the pregnancy or Abbi. We will tell Abbi of her "sperm donor", and will tell her the truth. We will leave it up to her as to whether she wants to ever find xOM or not. It may seem cruel to have her suddenly show up at his door, but, personally, I don't care how he feels about it! Anyone who would threaten my H just because he loves me and wanted to work things out, is sick in my mind and doesn't deserve to know my daughter!<p>Every situation is unique here. There are many twists and turns in the stories, and many different perspectives on the visitation/involvement issues here. I have seen the benefit of both involvement, and no involvement. People need to do what's best for their marriage, and most of the time, that does not include this outside force, pressing salt into the betrayed's very raw wounds, which is what has happened in most of the cases here!<p>I know I got long winded here, but I just didn't want another new person to leave right away! I wanted to explain that everyone is here for support, advice, help, a sholder to cry on, and to let out their venting, so as to not Love Bust on their spouse! Just think, if you were working on your marriage, but there was something that is bugging you, you've talked it over w/ your spouse, and the decission was made together how to deal with it, but you still wanted to complain, you can come here instead of hitting your S over the head about the situation, which cannot be changed! So, sometimes, there will be posts that will make you angry, but try to remember, they are venting, so they can be loving to their S's! If you haven't already, read over the Harly principles. They are amazing, and are very helpful! <p>And WELCOME to our board! Hope to see more from you in the future.<p>Tigger

Wow!! I guess I should be happy that my mess isn't as bad as yours. Thankfully both men involved here (my H and the OM) are both very decent people. I have to admit that they and myself are trying to do what is best for my daughter. I know, that is something that you don't see too often. I could have kept her to myself and not let the OM know about her but that would definately have meant moving(very small town you know). My older kids would have been devaststed by that. The OM is 43 yrs old and had never had a biological child of his own(he actually thought he was unable to have kids having tried in two previous marriages.)I had to decide if I could live with myself if I had kept the fact that he had a child from him. But like I said, he is a very decent man which made everything much easier to deal with. Everything has sort of settled into place right now and that's making it easier for my H and I to concentrate on us now.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Tigger said:
Anyone who would threaten my H just because he loves me and wanted to work things out, is sick in my mind and doesn't deserve to know my daughter!<hr></blockquote><p>I wish to GOD my x-H would have felt the same as you did regarding OW's threats and harassment of me. <p>Thank you for saying this Tigger, it helps me know my x-H never really had the love he should have for me as his wife. He truly betrayed me in every way.<p>Jo

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by want it back:
<strong>Wow!! I guess I should be happy that my mess isn't as bad as yours. Thankfully both men involved here (my H and the OM) are both very decent people. I have to admit that they and myself are trying to do what is best for my daughter. I know, that is something that you don't see too often. I could have kept her to myself and not let the OM know about her but that would definately have meant moving(very small town you know). My older kids would have been devaststed by that. The OM is 43 yrs old and had never had a biological child of his own(he actually thought he was unable to have kids having tried in two previous marriages.)I had to decide if I could live with myself if I had kept the fact that he had a child from him. But like I said, he is a very decent man which made everything much easier to deal with. Everything has sort of settled into place right now and that's making it easier for my H and I to concentrate on us now.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Did you unilaterally decide to tell OM that he was going to become a father or was it a joint decision by you and your husband?<p>Isn't having OM coming and going from your home picking up your daughter extremely stressful to your husband? How does he handle it? What do you do to help your husband to deal with this situation? Have both men buried the hatchet? Have you categorically stated to OM that he should have no more hope of you and he restarting your affair?<p>What happens if you die first? Will there be a custody fight between your husband and OM? Because if there is one the only losers will be your children when they get separated by their biological fathers. I hope that you, your husband, and OM have resolved this most critical issue.<p>My xW had several affairs, the last one produced a baby boy. My daughters and me became very attached to the boy. But unfortunately after the divorce, I sued and received custody of our two daughters (I wish I could have done that for my stepson) and the little one went with my xW. It was a very gut wrenching experience for my daughters and myself seeing him leave out of our home. His bio-dad and I don't get along too well, although I'm trying to bury the hatchet for the benefit of all three children so that in case my xW dies, he and I can come to an understanding that we have to put the interests of the children first and foremost and not let our pride and male egos sabotage those interests. It will be tough but worth it. <p>I apologize for my inquisitorial style but now do you see why some couples opt not to have OM involved? You have been a very lucky woman. If your husband had been the resentful type, he could have fought tooth and nail to take away your two kids thru a custody battle, but he did not because he is not that kind of man. The OM could have turned out to be like tigger4jdt's OM, a dangerous psychotic man hellbent on destroying a husband, a wife, a marriage, and a family. Too bad other couples do not have your luck.<p>Best of luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Hi Joe,
So many valid questions!! I will do my best to answer them all. After I decided to have this baby(yes, that decision I made on my own. My H felt I needed to make that one on my own also) we then needed to figure out what to do next. If we didn't want the OM to know it would have meant moving away. We live in a very very small town. Neither one of us really wanted to do that. We love our home and where we live. My two older sons would also have been devastated by a move. There also was no guarentee that the OM would never find out even if we did move. We still have family and friends here who would know about the pregnancy and word would reach him sooner or later. Seeing as how the OM knew my H had a vasectomy it wouldn't be too hard for him to figure it out. So the decision was made mutually to let him know. The OM took some time to think about what would be best for the baby, to be in her life or not. He was 43 yrs old with no bio children of his own so I think in the end he decided that walking away was something he could not do. He knew, living in this town, he would have to see her grow up without being a part of her life.
He picks her up and drops her off at my house 3 times a week. He doesn't come to the door. He pulls in the drive and I bring her out or go out to get her. There is always someone home when he does this, either my H or my sons(12 and 13). I think the first few times it bothered my H but now it does not seem to bother him at all. This arrangement insures that he and I are never alone together. My idea, so as to cause the least amount of anxiety for my H. My H and the OM do not speak to each other and avoid each other at all cost. So no, There is no buried hatchet yet. The OM knows my main priority is to restore my marriage and he understands and does nothing to try to undermine that. He has had two short term relationships himself so far, so I know he is at least trying to get on with his life.
If I should die, the OM and I have a verbal agreement right now(I know, I know, I need to get that in writing). He would of course want custody of his daughter and I'm sure being the bio dad he would get it. But he has agreed to let my H and sons have the same visitation that he has now. If my H and I should seperate(would have to be my H's decision not mine) then I would let my H decide if he wanted to remain part of her life. If he did I would also let him have visitation. With the both men involved here I know I don't need to worry about a full blown custody case in any event.
And even though you didn't ask this question I want to let you know that my H and my sons are all crazy in love with my daughter, as is my family and my in laws. Everyone knows the truth, no one holds it against me or my daughter. I know sounds like a fairy tale. Don't get me wrong, there have been bumps in the road and I'm sure there will be more. We just deal with them instead of hoping the'll go away on thier own. I know this is far from over as my daughter is only 9 mo old but I have every confidence that things will be fine.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by want it back:
<strong>
And even though you didn't ask this question I want to let you know that my H and my sons are all crazy in love with my daughter, as is my family and my in laws. Everyone knows the truth, no one holds it against me or my daughter. I know sounds like a fairy tale. Don't get me wrong, there have been bumps in the road and I'm sure there will be more. We just deal with them instead of hoping the'll go away on thier own. I know this is far from over as my daughter is only 9 mo old but I have every confidence that things will be fine.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Thanks for replying WIB.<p>I doesn't strike me at all odd that everybody has fallen in love with your little girl. Good, kind, decent, generous people understand that a child is totally inocent of the circumnstances that brought her/him into this world, and because their hearts are so big, they make a place in them for said child.<p>As I stated to you in my own case, my daughters and I fell in love with my xW's little one, and that has not changed. In fact I credit not only my daughters but stepson(?) for helping me to recover from the bitterness and hatred that I felt for my xW after she told me that she didn't care about how her sexual liasons with other men affected me or our daughters [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I can deal with her saying that she didn't care about me, but to say that she didn't care about our daughters? that to me told me that enough is enough and fought her tooth and nail in court, including presenting a report from the department of child services demonstrating her total negligence as a parent. Fortunately the judge agreed that the best interests of our daughters lay with me and so I was awarded full custody of them. To my xW this was a hard reality blow because it meant that now for the first time since she and I got married, that she was obligated to go out and look for a job to pay monthly child support payments for our daughters. This experience was a very humbling one to her, since she was used to being so arrogant and smug about how she controlled her life and ours as well, but it finally brought her back to Earth and opened up meaningful comunication between her, me and our daughters. She realizes that her little one is an important part of our daughters lives and vice versa and so on the weekends that she does not pick up our daughters, she drops the little one to spend the weekend with his sisters and me. BTW he calls me daddy and I dare say that I love him as though he were my bio-son and maybe more considering the hardships that might be ahead of his life. But no matter what happens to his mom and bio-dad, he will always have a place in my home and in my heart.<p>Sorry for the long rant, but just like you were very graceous in sharing your story with me, I thought I returned the favor.<p>I wish you and all your family health,love, and happiness and All Mighty God's blessings.<p>Joe<p>[ February 26, 2002: Message edited by: justanotherjoe ]</p>

Your story makes me very sad,however that your son (and I do consider him YOUR son, anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad)is still a part of your life makes me very happy. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] My situation is a little different than yours. I definately don't want to toot my own horn, but both men agree that they could never do as good a job at parenting than I do, they both however are very good dads too. I know from reading all the stories posted that I am very lucky.