I heard her talking yesterday about a situation remarkably similar to what we all face.A man called up stating at age 15, he thought he had gotten his 14 year old girlfriend pregnant. His mother at the time confronted the girl's mother to confirm if the child was her son's. Apparently, the girl's mother told the boy's mother the child was not his. Fast forward 15 years later . The mother of the child calls this man, now in his 30's, and states the child is his daughter and wants to meet him. He now is married with children of his own. He wondered what to do.
Now this is when it gets interesting. Dr. Laura strongly advocated that he not tell his children, that he not meet child, that his committment now should be with his wife and their children, not this child. This man had in fact told his children of existence of half sister.Dr. Laura could not believe he had told his kids of her existence.She said it is wrong for him to tell kids of what he did, even if he says what he did was wrong. She believes that telling them of what he did will hasten children of his doing the same thing, despite his statement it was wrong.Said his children and all children need to hang onto some ideal of their parents, something to aspire to. They will just look at father as "he turned out o.k" so I can do the same. Or, be sharply disappointed in him, and it will negatively affect their life. She said he should never have told his kids of this child, and certainly should have no relationship with this child.
Now, I ask all of you, is this not very like an OC coming out of an A? I know my reasons not to involve OC in my life and my kids' lives are this: too painful, not healthy for my kids, why should my kids' suffer father's mistake and ruin what they feel for him-- for OW's decision?
Opinions, anyone?
I don't usually agree with Dr. Laura, but in this case, HERE! HERE!

All I can say is that I had a daughter 9 months ago. The result of an affair. I have two sons ages 12 and 13. They both know that thier dad is not her dad and that someone else is her father. I am so so proud of both of them. They love and protect thier little sister in a way that brings tears to my eyes. She is a very lucky little girl to have such mature , caring and loving brothers.
I truly believe it has to do with the way my husband and I have raised them.
They know everyone is human and that they make mistakes but that forgiveness is devine. When they first learned that she had a different father they both each came to me, hugged me and told me how very much they loved me and thier new sister. And yes, I do know how truly blessed I am.

up for more replies.I know you are all out there.What do you think?

I have to say that I agree with Dr. Laura on this one! <p>My WS recently had A with OW (who he had A with 14 years ago). OW just told WS that he was the father. While for the last 12 years, OC has known another man as her father (this man has been incarcerated, however he signed the birth certificate and has been paying child support and been in the role of father). WS and OW decided to have paternity test done. It was positive. <p>Now we are all - my husband's other 3 children, the OC, all our families have to deal with this awful mess. I don't know how good can come out of all of this. I truly believe that H and OW were being selfish and self-centered and that they have gravely impacted the lives of all of these children in a very negative way. <p>Myself, I am having a difficult time dealing with H, since I cannot reconcile his behavior with the person that I thought I married. I am not only speaking of the A, but the act of taking the paternity test and not thinking of his other children or this child. I just can't imagine how he justified this behavior.<p>I pray for all of them. Each day I know that I will be "okay". I can't say that I "know" that about all of the children involved!

Clearly this is a tough call. The idea of greater good" really depends on which side of this you fall on.<p>Once upon a time it was to my greater good to have an affair with a married man. I felt that I wanted/needed it. He wanted/needed it and so we proceeded for a long time. Our affair kept me sane and him married.<p>MUCH later we sat down and decided that the "greater good" was for him to work on his marriage with his W and for me to pursue another relationship.<p>To apply that to the Dr. Laura situation. Maybe in the beginning it was to the "greater good" to allow this young man to be a child, live his life, get an education, etc. Now maybe it's to the "greater good" for him to be a father to this child, but only if he is emotionally stable enough to do so.<p>This is one of those questions that there are probably 50 right answers to.<p>I usually agree with Dr. Laura, but think she's as nutty as a fruitcake! However, I think that this man's first commitment should be to his primary family. If that family can bare the weight of this revelation I think that he should add his other daughter to the mix. I'm willing to bet that his kids will see him as a great humanitarian and father for opening his heart and showing so much love.<p>[ February 25, 2002: Message edited by: Katie Scarlett ]</p>

I would argue that all lives need to be lived truthfully.<p>I can't go into all of it here but I grew up in a family with toxic secrets. I think that all chilren need to know the truth about their true paternity (whether or not they have a relationship with their biofather) and that all children need to know of half-sibs out there (whether or not the family maintains contact with the OC). Telling the truth does not necessarily mean having contact.<p>I would refer everyone to John Bradshaw's book on Family Secrets.<p>I believe that family secrets cause twisted relationships. Those who are keeping a secret (Well, Mom had an affair and Dad is not really your biofather) spent a tremendous amount of psychic energy in protecting that secret. Children about whom a secret is being kept have an uneasiness. I knew I didn't look like my sisters nor my Dad. Yes, my parents loved me, my Dad, although not my biofather, thinks the sun rises and sets with me. Yet, I always knew that there was something wrong with me, something that made my mother uneasy. She overprotected me, pampered me, and this extra attention caused difficult relationships for me with my siblings.<p>You can't treat all children the same--you can love them the same and you can try your best to be fair to each, but each child is different and come with issues of his or her own. Mine happened to be that I was born of an affair. Pretending that I was just the same didn't help me, my siblings nor, in the long run, my parents. <p>I also have strong feelings that parents who keep such information from their children are protecting themselves (from their child's potential bad opinion of them) as they are protecting the child.<p>Just my thoughts. Take them or leave them. They aren't meant to be hurtful, but I feel like I have a unique persepective on certain angles of this having been a wife betrayed by her H, his affair and the child born of that affair AND also the child born of my mother's affair and not told the truth until I was 35-years-old, after years of wondering and probing for the truth.<p>MJ

You are talking about a situation where the man wasn't in the child's life for 15 years!! Of course contact would be bad now.
I assure you, Dr Laura does NOT advocate a man choosing no contact when he is well aware the child is here. I have personally her speak on this issue.

For those who know me, I was adamantly against telling my children 16 and 14 yrs old girls. I finally broke down (with the help of alcohol) and told them. You see I am not a liar and I could not and would not keep a lie. I also didn't like the idea of someone comfronting my children without them knowing and being totally shocked. It has been 2 months since my children were told and they appear to be OK. They do feel sad when I am sad. I found a letter my oldest daughter wrote to her dad but did not give him. She told him she loved him and she feels sorry for the OC because she would not have the luxury of running home to her dad to talk about her day. She also feels bad that she would never include the OC in her life because of the OW. She told him that she understands people make mistakes and all she knows is that her mom is unhappy and tired and if all was a mistake, which she surely hopes it was, do what it takes to make her mom happy. I NEVER REGRET THE DAY I TOLD THEM. It is my H who states I should have never told them and I believe his reason is purely selfish--just as his A. Sorry to ramble but all who know me, I thought the world would end if I told them but as it stands it turned out well. In the end it is your decision but I learned if you keep this a secret you are no different than your H. Your H thought it best not to tell you of his A and now you think it best not to tell your children.