I have a question that hopefully someone can answer..First let me tell you a little about the situation. D-Day was 11/29/01. oc is 3yrs old. EA was about 4 months and PA was about 1 month. H has seen OC twice. No contact with OW. OW has not filed for CS. Ow wrote me a letter 1 1/2 yrs ago and told me about A and OC. Of course H denied it and I believed him. I found a letter that my H wrote to OW saying that he was sorry for not helping financially etc.. This is how I discovered the A and the lies. My question is this...I feel like I need to contact OW to ask qustions. H answers questions,but I want to hear it from OW. Is this wise? Has any one initiated contact with OW? If so what happened??Did you regret it?

My advice would be not to contact OW. Keep in mind that it is a very unnatural relationship to have with someone like an ow. Not that I am implying that you want to be her bf, I understand that you just want answers, and I can sympathize with that. My mistake was calling ow because she was just downright evil and lacked humility. She actually told ME to leave my h because they were a family now...LOL! I suggest not calling her to have curious questions answered. At this point in her life, if she was able to sleep with a MM, then she probably lacks any kind of moral reasoning at this point. And my bet is that her only aim would be to hurt you. Remember, that the only obstacle in her way at the time of the A was you. <p>I think I always felt that ow would feel bad because they were caught and ya know, would kind of have a little remorse, but it was just the opposite. There was absolutely no remorse, no respect for a marriage covenant, and was only concerned about herself and the future hopes of being with my h, which she soon found out, was a lost sick dream for her... <p>I really stress not to call her... I did call ow in the beginning, but a lot of time has passed and in retrospect, I know i shouldn't have. The only thing i got out of it was the realization that some people are really evil, through and through. I know that we are all capable of having flesh-guiding spirit that is only capable of evil, but i learned that ow was saturated in it. Her voice was masculine and harsh, her words were mean and her only goal was to hurt me. That was the only good that came from speaking to her was figuring out why h came back to me... she was just scary in spirit. <p>i'm rambling, but if you can fight it, don't call. <p>hope this helps,
Julia

JordyJordy,<p>I know from my experience, that my OW told me anything she thought she could to make me leave my H, because she wanted him. At this point, I wouldn't dare talk to her to answer any questions because I know she would tell me a bunch of lies, because she still wants my H. <p>I do know that my H has been radically honest with me since D-Day and that even now, I kept careful track of what Mr. "T" says because I will ask him every so often and his answers have always been the same. I made up my mind to believe him until I'm proven otherwise and if that day "otherwise" ever shows up again, he knows that papers will be filed. But in Mr. "T"'s defense, I will say this, he has always been honest with me about the nature of their association before we were married (which saved his sorry butt when d-day hit the fan!)<p>I'm following Dr. Harley's advise to quit trashing and re-hashing the past and am trying to take the steps to go forward. I am coming up on D-day in about two more months. I want to move on.I don't want this "three-night-stand" to cripple our marriage. <p>I have yet to do a POJA with Mr. "T"...but we do not do anything without enthusiastic mutual agreement.<p>But I got off track here....to go on with your question,<p>I have learned to ask myself the question, "will the info. that I get from WS/OW help me or harm me?" "Am I able to handle myself without losing it in front of oW?"
"what do I want to gain out of this? " and most importantly, "Can I handle the details that are given me, and will I be able to discern truth from fiction when it comes out of OW's mouth?"<p>IMVHO, it would be best to leave her alone, at least in my case. I thought at one time I wanted to go where she worked (as a customer...she doesn't know what I look like and I don't know what she looked like) but I figured perhaps it's best to not have a face to go with the name. I will probably know soon enough what she looks like as I'm sure we will have to deal with her for the next 16 years..despite no contact with OC.<p>Please let me know what you decide to do. It is a difficult thing....in my case I want to take a baseball bat to OW...but's that's another thread.... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Hope you come up with something to answer your questions......I know I still have tons of questions that may never be answered and my MC said may never be answered to my satisfaction.<p>sending Hugs and prayers your way,
Twiisty

Jordy,<p>If you think you can handle what you may hear - call her. It may give you the closure that you seem to be looking for, then again, it may not.<p>Ask yourself, before you call, are you really ready hear what she has to say about things? Do you think it will help you recover or do you think it will hinder your recovery? <p>I have had and continue to have contact with the xOW due to the children involved. We have tried to overcome our differences in order to benefit the kids, so far it's going well. She not a bad person, and I don't blame her for what happened with my xH. He lied to both of us and we discovered that when we spoke over the phone. What was she supposed to do when he lied to her about his entire situation? She trusted him, so did I, and we both got burned. Live and learn. <p>However, if you are going to call her, watch what you say. Don't call her with the intentions of wanting to tell her what a wicked, evil person she is, yelling at her, and taking out your anger on her. I can tell you right now, it will only lead to her getting angry with you and you won't get any of the answers from her that you are looking for.

Jordy,<p>Do not contact OW but rather have H write letter severing all future contact as he loves you.<p>If he will not do this then it might be time for you to act and sever contact with H.<p>The child can survive without H but your relationship can not survive if H wants contact with OW and OC.<p>Give him the message.<p>Fred

Jordy,
I did feel the need to contact OW for the reason that H did choose contact with OC. <p>I talked this over with my counselor and told him that I need to talk to her, if anything to because I was afraid to run into her in public, I literally would panic at the thought. <p>I set up a meeting at my house, and I was told by C to make a outline of concerns or questions,and stick to it. I also emailed the outline to the OW so she would be prepared. <p>The meeting went ok, it lasted about 2 hours,and we parted cordially. I felt this had to be done if I was going to be involved with the OC.<p>OW and I do exchange emails concerning OC, to gather information, and discuss visits. We did have one day when the email exchanges did take a nasty turn, but that has passed, but not forgotten. <p>If I knew there was to be no contact with OC, I do not think a confrontation with OW would be benificial to me. <p>Tina

Julia
Your H had an affair right? Does he also "lack any kind of moral reasoning" It would seem so!

Lynxxy,<p>I never said he didn't, did I "Lynxxy"?<p>But obviously he is not the same reckless man that he was when he was involved in the A, otherwise he would still be with "ow". He has clarity now.<p>"Julia"

And plenty of OW have found "clarity" too. You just aren't around to see it. Stop assuming that because someone made wrong decisions at one time in their lives, that they cannot change.

Lynxxy,<p>Why do you keep putting words in my mouth? I never said that these ow can't change and learn from their wrongs, I even admitted to being one of those women. If you have changed, that is wonderful, let's have coffee, and talk about how we finally saw the "light". <p>I am so willing to talk to or help people who are walking in darkness, cuz i know what it is like to be there. I also know what it's like to be in a better, brighter place. <p>And again, I know people can change and learn from their mistakes, and I may not be around to necessarily see it with my own eyes. I don't know what you are getting at by attacking me, maybe i have a clue. But all i know is that when I have wronged someone, I let them know it, by the outward act of asking for forgiveness and making a wrong right. Just recently I sent an email to someone I hurt over 4 years ago just to let them know that I am sorry and that i didn't like the person i was. <p>This is long-winded and probably not even worth my time, but I AGREE WITH YOU, PEOPLE CAN CHANGE, GOD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS, WONDERFUL WAYS!

Jordy,
If you contact TOW you should know that you have no control over the kind of information that you may receive. Maybe she's past him and just wants to help you heal.<p>Maybe she's angry, maybe she wants him back. There's really no way to tell.<p>I can't say weather you should or shouldn't contact her. But this may be a pandora's box that you're not ready for. Also keep in mind, she's probably only heard bad things about you.

I contacted OW because I like u believed my H but I needed to hear what he said to her. My OW was truthful with me. It was my H who continued to lied. He told me no one knew, my OW told me his mother and brother knew. After pressuring my H he finally told me the truth. He said he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to be uncomfortable around them. There were other lies that I caught him in also. Not all OW are out to get the W. They both lie in A's so if you can believe you H why not believe OW.

Persoanlly I was NEVER out to get the W. I thought she deserved the truth. I can stand any horrible tale as long as it's true. Tell i'm fat, you hate me, whatever. Just don't lie to me!!!!!<p>So I thought his W deserved the whole truth. There was SO much that she had no idea about.

Julia
Then why did you say that "If she was able to sleep with a MM, she probably lacks any kind of moral reasoning"? Sounds like a big assumption. I could just as easily say "If your husband was able to cheat on you, he probably lacks any kind of moral reaoning"

My h DID lack moral reasoning AT THE TIME OF THE A. We are both now, together, FINALLY becoming God-loving, God-fearing people. <p>And as far as ow lacking any moral reasoning, i meant at the time of the A. If she has changed for the better good of humanity and oc, GREAT! If not, there's nothing I can do about her evil ways, but pray for her, which is a feat in itself for me, but putting all ill-feelings aside, the prayers reach HIS ears, nonetheless. <p>Like i wrote earlier, I DON'T KNOW in our case whether or not ow has changed for the better because I don't have daily contact with her, obviously, like i do with my h. I can't witness her "walk" or the fruit of the spirit. All I can do is leave that in God's hands. <p>I was simply giving Jordy the heads up about MY situation and the possibilities of calling this ow and it turning out to be another "fatal attraction-Glenn Close" type of deal like mine and many other members here. <p>And btw, i am done with this thread...