I went to therapy, individually, last Friday, and it was a bit disturbing for me. My therapist is very good, objective, and brutally honest.
She wanted to see me alone and discuss a few things that were touched upon in our couples therapy the week before. She had given me "homework".
One of which was to see how often the affair "pops" into my head and acknowledge it. She wanted me to see how much this affair bleeds into every aspect of my life. Then she used a great analogy, instead of me seeing the world thru rose-colored glasses, I saw mine thru "affair-colored" glasses. And it is so true. I can recall recently seeing a man at a light on his cell phone and the first thought that runs thru my head is..."Yeah, he's on the phone with his girlfriend."
The second part of my homework was to think about what do I fear I will lose by letting go, and saying..."I forgive you and want to move ahead." My answer to this was as long as he sees me hurt he will remember what pain he has caused me, and since I was not given a choice as to if I wanted to go thru my H having an affair, and now have to live with it for the rest of my life, why shouldn't he hurt just as much? Also, I am afraid that if I do let go, and come out from my safe haven, and allow myself to let him in again, what if I really find out I can't forgive, that the pain is too much and I can't get past it...that what he did was just too much to deal with.<p>And then here is the kicker and the most disturbing to me...she turns around and says that she feels that there are two ways people react to affairs (and this is an obvious observation, and one she has said many times)...on the one hand there are those who can get past it and those that cannot. However, when I asked her which she thought I was, she said she has her doubts that I can. (ugh, not what I wanted to hear as I just posted that I finally felt I no longer wanted to live with the pain anymore and wanted to move forward with my H...) She went onto say she wasn't sure if I had really made the decision to LOVE my H , accepting him for all he is now along with the pain he has caused me. And a life based on need and uncertainty, was a trapped life and that was a horrible way to live.
She also says that if we were to separate it would have to be me that makes that decision b/c if he made that decision I would not be able to get closure.
I guess it scares me because what she says, I have to admit, I have thought of, but I thought I had come to terms with it. She could be playing the devils advocate to help me see that I have finally made the decision...<p>Wow, just when I thought I had had a breakthru...
Any thoughts?<p>NGU

Well I like what your counselor said to a point. WS plays a major role in BS' recovery too. I really liked the way Dr.Phil put it on Oprah yesterday. He said that until the BS knows that the WS "gets it" regarding how the WS' A affected the BS' feelings, and until the BS can get into words what your affair did to me, then BS cannot recover. BS needs to KNOW that WS KNOWS what pain the WS has caused so that if another affair occurs, they both know WS intended to cause that same pain again.<p>He also told this one WS who was in a long-term affair to either get the OW out of WS' life, or else get out of BS' life! Harley translation: NO CONTACT... Anyways, that's how I interpreted it...

NGU,<p>I don't know--maybe the counselor was illuminating the path that you are going to have to travel if you are going to get to marriage recovery.<p>I don't like my tone here on this board lately as I am seeing everything through my filter of faith and I know that the whole world doesn't see things the same way I do. So, here goes with what worked for me. I am a person of faith. Whenver affair anger entered my head, I prayed right at that very moment. I prayed for love when I felt I had none to give, I prayed for the ability to forgive in near-equal measure to the forgiveness (grace) that God has freely given to me, a sinner deserving of nothing. Sometimes I prayed nearly every waking moment of my day.<p>The desire to forgive might be all that we need if we are willing to let God do the forgiving through us. God doesn't give us love and forgiveness; He is Love and Forgiveness. Forgiving is a bigger task than I can do on my own. I meet his ENs, put on a smiley face, continue on in my marriage in a shallow way, but to achieve true forgiveness (and I am not 100% there yet), I needed God to restore wholeness to my marriage (BTW we are not totally there yet, but I can see the future and the future looks bright.)<p>MJ

NGU,
At first I got irritated at your counselor, because I thought she meant there are two types of people, but I re-read your note and it says two WAYS. Ways to look at things... that's a DECISION, not a fate. You are not fated to one thing or the other, you can make a decision.<p>I bought a plaque after DDay that reads:<p>Chance cannot change love, nor time impair,
for love is more than a feeling...
love is a decision, a commitment to care forever.

Thanks for all your replys...
BTDT: I guess you will like the fact that my therapist has also said the same thing. A person who cheats again, knowing the pain it caused...intended it the second time. She has said that in those words...Also I wish I had seen Dr Phil...and I do agree with that. Although I think my H knows the pain he caused, it frustrates me that he has never felt such pain...probably my hesitancy to let go...
MJ: That is good advice for counteracting the bad moments, although my faith is not as strong as yours, I think that I may give it a try...I have heard often lately that it is never too late to start, no matter how little it is...right? This is something I have been struggling with for years...still trying to find my way.
Jenny: I'm glad you did not take it the first way...sometimes it is so hard to put things into words. About the plaque...the last line bothers me a bit...if love is a committment to care forever...what about the fact that my H says that at the time of the affair, he thought I no longer loved him and he thinks he was not loving me either(He has never said he DIDN'T love me but felt that we were over.) If he still loved me, how could he have not even thought about me, or made plans to be with her and then come to sleep next to me.I don't know if this is coming out right, like I said it is hard. He says we were in a different place, in a dark spot,....so I then wasn't on his mind? I just don't get it.
Its funny I see poems, sayings, hear love songs, and they make me sick...I used to love all that stuff, now it just stirs up the response..."yeah right" from me...Oh well here I go ramblin' again.
NGU

NGU,<p>That definition of commitment did not come to us until... After the Affair.<p>H and I were different people Before the Affair. We knew nothing of the Harley principles, had no "hedges" around our marriage to protect it from affairs, did not understand some of our (psychological) "issues" that could contribute to an affair. We were ignorant of many things that could've prevented the A. <p>I totally relate to what your H says about the "dark day". Sometimes the dark is so deep, we do not understand our own evil or how to get out of it, even for the ones we love most. Like children, in the heart of our family is where we "act our" our traumas and problems, where we need boundaries, love, and forgiveness the most. <p>My H's double betrayal hurt BOTH of us at least as much as the death of our first daughter; what he did will never be right. But we CAN heal, we CAN make it better, we CAN forgive, and we CAN move on. We choose to do it together.<p>-------------------------------------------<p>Some quotes by Janis Abram Spring in "After The Affair":<p>(page 247-248)<p>"As Jung wrote, 'Seldom or never does a marriage develop into an individual relationship smoothly and without crisis. There is no birth of consciousness without pain.'<p>"...I learned a valuable life lesson: Sometimes it takes screwing up to figure out how to do something right."<p>"...And so it is with intimate relationships."<p>"There's nothing glamorous about returning to an old, battered relationship and working to repair the damage. But after sharing so much history--after struggling to come to terms with everything that's unbeautiful about the two of you--you may now feel more connected, and more accepted and accepting, than ever before, with a wiser, more clear-sighted vision of what you want your relationship to become. Your commitment to your partner today is likely to rest on a more solid foundation that it did when you first vowed to love and cherish each other."<p>"...This is a time to channel your energy into creating something new, something better than what you had before. Don't be afraid to nourish memories of healthy and happy times together, and to dream up new ones that will sustain you. If not now, when?"<p>-------------------------------------------<p>From "The Courage to Be Yourself" (A Woman's Guide to growing beyond emotional dependence)<p>(page 178-179)<p>"Too often, we hold the underlying assumption that things should be easy, that if we face difficult challenges, it means that we're somehow bad, or the world [or God] is against us. With that victim attitude, we find it all too easy to crumble and never discover how strong and creative we really can be."<p>"...Natural childbirth classes teach mothers-to-be that the pain of childbirth is greater when you resist it and grow tense with fear. They tell you to "breathe into the pain"--not because deep breathing decreases the pain, but because relaxation increases your ability to accept the pain.<p>In my bereavement groups I meet many people who try to resist their pain. I encourage them to lean into it, to relax into the experience of pain, to give themselves permission to feel it and act on it. This frequently amazes them because most of them have been taught the stiff-upper-lip approach to pain."<p>xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox<p>Hope these help [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
J

PS. I can relate to your feelings about seeing things through affair-colored glasses, to thinking "yeah right" about "true love" and happy endings... I've felt that way at times too. <p>We grow up believing marriages just "live happily ever after" without knowing the work needs to go into them! I never saw realistic, healthy marriage role models, not in my own family, not in books or the media. <p>I believe we have to create our own, and hope our children follow our example, and make their marriages better still. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

NGU,
I also was given an assignment by my therapist a week ago Wednesday. It was to make a list, paragraph, how ever I wanted to write it, of everything that I grieving about that this A has caused. <p>I have written that list over and over a dozen times. Problem is that it stirred up many emotions that are not healthy for me to work on repairing this mess. I have this list ready and no one to discuss it with, which left H to hear the wrath of the Tazmanian Devil. <p>What worst part is we are hardly speaking now do to my being overly emotional, no chance to get in to see counselor, and are leaving this weekend for a weeks vacation out east. I don't know how we are ever going to make it to the airport. <p>I think one of the major points of my list is I feel I have no control anymore. OW proved it last weekend when visitation plans were changed. She knew before hand she was changing them, but didn't notify us until H arrived at her house. H did the right thing by calling me right away about the change, but the idea that she knew ahead of time really shows me that she is still running the show, and H is to blind to see it. So that set up the tone for the week. <p>I understand why the counselor suggested this homework, I just wish when she told me to do this we had a meeting set up right away. I feel like right now i have sunk down as low as I can go. I am giving my best to trying to make visitation work, but have any of you felt during the initial stages that you just don't want to be around the C? The difficult part was 2 weeks ago I was introduced to the baby, so now visitation is both OC and it is really overwhelming. <p>Sorry to vent, but any words of encouragement would be appreciated, how the heck are we going to go away for a week? The purpose of this trip is our son is going to the final national meet for his college sport and this is so special for him. <p>Tina

Jenny: Thank you so much for the quote...I have the book, After the Affair...I think I should give it another try...but thanks for taking the time to type those up...it meant alot.
Tina: I am so sorry for what you are going thru right now...just a thought and I don't think anyone would mind if you posted a few of those issues here...sounding them off here may help you and also may give you a better way to express them to your H, or at least an idea on how to approach them with him. We have all been thru so much here, I'm sure we could give some help...like I said just a thought. I know thw feeling like you have lost control...I experienced a struggle with that in dealing with an eating disorder. But I wanted to point out that although she may have tried to play an upper hand, your H showed her where his priority lay, with you, in that he felt it was important enough for you to be informed...instead of giving her the satisfaction of thinking how p!$$@d you would be when he just showed up at home with the news. In some way, you had the upper hand, in that you were given the chance to accept the change in plans...him calling you told her that it may or may not be "doable", and he had to check with his wife first.
I do not have visitation with our OC so I cannot offer any help in that area either, but I can only imagine how hard it must be. I don't think I could handle it.
I hope your trip was good, where in the east if I may ask?...I live in the east.
NGU