This board is very helpful to me. I don't post often, but I read a lot. I usually get something useful out of the posts. I feel like an outsider because you all have become so close, but I read almost everyday. And I feel like I know many of you. I keep you in my prayers. I hurt with you. I rejoice with you. And I am frustrated with you as some come here to post very irreverent and biased opinions. Mainly, I learn from you that situations are different but we are all learning and hoping to survive. <p>I too did not want to get on this rollercoaster and feel that I am being taken for the ride of my life. But I am very much in love with the rollercoaster driver. I still hurt so badly sometimes. And sometimes I feel like we are going to be okay. My H does not seem to think about these things as much. For him it is just blah it's over, next... He seems to be trying to make me happy right now. And if we can keep that up, then maybe I can move on to the next step. But for every step he takes back (and I don't mean checking out the swinging hips on the commercial) I take two steps back. For him, flirting and being "friends" with someone is okay. I see it as hindering our progress incredibly. Sometimes we've got it together. And sometimes I feel like H and I are just falling apart again. <p>At first it was just a feeling. Then I confirmed, that mid-January (although he will not admit it) H was flirty with a cashier nearby. This was a new person. Not an ex, not OC's mother, totally new and of course nearly half my age. His co-worker told me that she called him quite a bit. His phone bill says that he called her too. He got in trouble for it at work too. Luckily his boss is on the side of morality. Boss has encouraged me to call him during the day. But won't put up with calls from other women at work. I know he called her twice from cell phone after boss intervened. I hope to put an end to it. I don't know if they are still talking or not, but I know he is acting better or he is hiding it better. He is a serial cheater, and I'm sure this habit of being good is difficult for him. I am pretty sure that he went to her job to visit two weeks ago. That one time he acted like it, but otherwise he seems to be doing well. I am still leery of his every move, but I think it's mostly me and not him.<p>I posted about this at the time. I got to thinking and decided that perhaps he was being friendly with this girl because he thought he could not talk to me about his kids. At the time, I could talk about the practical aspects of the custody case but when it came to feelings mine were just angry, that he had taken our child and given it away recklessly to some abusive non-caring woman. But maybe he needed someone to talk to about this, so I have tried to bring up kids just constantly. I am trying to be his friend on the issue. <p>I talked to our pastor too over the past month. He knows some of the situation and background. He gave me Plan A without calling it that. Okay, I am really trying. I seem to be going nutso periodically, but I am trying. I haven't yet figured out how to deal with our conflicts though if I am doing plan a. I mean we do have conflicts. Lack of finances, lack of him working at home and less and less at his job, court coming soon (March 11) for two oc, he wants us to have a baby, my family, lack of time spent in spiritual things with me. To me, this is so crazy. He is all the time saying that he wants to make me happy, that that is all time goal. Well, hello, why doesn't he do what I tell him will make me happy??? I have told him that I want him to spend 15 minutes a day reading the Bible with me. (He is a new Christian, so new habit, but so far we haven't done once a week.) We decided that the only way for us to get into another house (> 1 br) is to clean out the stuff in a office area and rent the room out. It's not really a bedroom, but we could probably rent it to a student. Our home is pretty small, but the extra money would help out a lot. He won't help me and it's his stuff in there. He thinks we will be getting custody of kids real soon. I'm thinking they might want a bedroom. I haven't seen him making an effort. Oh and he says want a baby. Well, hmmm...stable relationship, money, let's find out about the custody so we don't overwhelm the woman you want to bear this armload, oh and again we need a bedroom. He says well, we've got nine months to worry about all that!!!! And he gets mad at me when I want to work these things out, says I'm telling him No to baby. I'm not saying that, I am saying let's talk and I am saying GROW UP!!!!!!! This is his way of life; no plans just work it out as it happens. It is NOT my way. I believe in deciding on your goals together and duh...actually working the plan. Change it if you want or if needed, but have a plan. This was always my way. And I am going nutso. I am getting scars from biting my tongue, and it doesn't work anyway cause he knows I'm biting!
And yes, I was the one who easily and voluntarily got my homework done before I went to play.<p>Any thoughts? I just think we need to do lots of discussing and planning before court cause life could change big time for us whether the judge says yes or no.

Aimee,<p>One thing that stuck out at me was said almost right away. I am talking about you saying that you don't really fit in here. Well, I feel that all who come here, regardless of which side of the "coin" you're on, and there are many different sides when it comes to this situation, are welcome! There are some, who come here to hurt, who are not welcome, because they are not here to help or be helped, just to voice their opinion of those who are in pain, such as yourself! <p>Unfortunately, I don't have any advice for you and what you are going through! I feel for your situation, and understand about not wanting to have a child at this time in your marriage. It would/could just cause more tension on and already volatile situation. <p>My prayers are with you as you prepare for court in another 2 weeks! Keep us informed as to the results, please.<p>Tigger