Until 3 months ago, I believed my marriage was finally healthy. Then my wife started talking about divorce. We batted around the idea of couseling and finally agreed, but she decided to go twice while I was out on business travel before allowing me to attend.

Now that I am going (three sessions) we appear to be dealing only with issues that are three years old or older and not the real time problems of our relationship. I have come to find this is because, in the two visits prior, my wife lead the counselor to believe the old events are real time. They may be still ever present in her life, and we must deal with them, but there are real time abuses that must be immediately dealt with as well.

Before the counseling, my wife told me she had warned the counselor what I would say are the problems and that I shouldn't bother. I was given a few minutes in the beginning of the first session to outline where I thought we were, relationally, and I found she was correct. The counselor warned me I was taking a defensive position and that we were there to deal with the other items my wife had listed out in the previous sessions first.

I am not being heard by this counselor. I want to deal with all the issues, but this counselor does not want to deal with the emotional abuse I am currently living under.

I think that, as my wife had two session alone with the counselor, I should get some alone time as well.

Your thoughts?

Rob

The issues you feel are 'old' are still troubling your wife. By default, that makes them 'current'. (Not your fault, just default...!) If something affects one, it affects the marriage. Don't make her feel you want to sweep it under the rug.

Lack of empathy is a big killer of love. Try to really understand her 'side' of the issues and let her know you are in this together. Not adversaries!

Read everything on this web site - especially How to Choose a Marriage Coach (unfortunately many marriage counsellors are not good at improving marriages) and Why Women Leave Men (it should open your eyes about how your wife views your relationship).

Good Luck!