Hello,<p>I am new here. In fact, I have been reading posts for a few months. Here's my history:<p>My husband and I met while we were in college.I was 21 and he was 19. Now we are 29 and 31. We clicked instantly and became very serious. As time progressed, we lived together, traveled all over the world, rock climbed, hiked, etc.-best friends. Before we knew it, we had been together for 7 years before marrying about 2 years ago ( a total of 9 years together)<p>Well, in the first six months of our marriage my husband started an internet relationship/affair. In February of last year, he told me that the OW was expecting a baby and he felt that he was the father. I was completely knocked off my feet and devastated. The baby was born in November. She lives in Houston with her mother and we live in New Jersey. He said to me that he wanted to work on our marriage...While we were in the the process of trying to save our marriage, we get pregnant and am due in July...he is thrilled and excited. But he still feels like crap because he wants to be a father to the OC and can't see her much. Just recently, I found out that the mother and OC are planning to move here... <p>All of this time, I have been truly trying to understand it all. I have read on here where it takes some months for the shock to initially wear off. I can honestly say that he and I didn't know anything about needs or what questions to ask. I have learned a great deal about myself. Yes, my self esteem was just low and I even asked what did she have that I didn't...I read alot about fog and I believe that he is truly in one. I have read His Needs, Her Needs and everything else I can find.<p>It is ironic because I am a college counselor and have talked with students about personal problems and here I am having to deal with this sh** in my own. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I needed to vent...<p>Nelly1

I hate to say "welcome" to this little sad group where we share something that no one else on the face of the earth can even fathom. But, you have come to the right place.<p>One of our members, Jenny, started a thread months ago that is titled "Thoughts to Newbies" that offers a great deal of information. If you have been reading here for months, you have probably run across it.<p>Nelly, have you and your husband studied any of the Harley principles or read any of his books? Together, if you can study the Policy of Joint Agreement and determine whether or not 'contact' with the OC is right for your marriage and if your marriage is strong enough to handle contact, I believe this is the first step you need to take to begin your process of recovery.<p>Contact is a hot topic and some of the pertinent issues were discussed in Gem's thread titled, I believe, "Dr. Harley's Thoughts on OC Contact". It is an important thread that your husband should read.<p>The 'fog' we talk about is usually when the Wayward spouse is still in fantasy and still hooked into the affair. Are you talking about your husband struggling with guilt and feeling as though he should be involved in the OC's life? Does he really want contact or does he simply feel obligated? Has he asked you what you think or how you feel about it? These are just some suggestions of where to start.<p>I am glad you found us, Nelly, and I know others will be along to talk with you soon. Now that you are going to have your own baby, you have much to do to prepare for its arrival. I hope your husband is involved in your pregnancy and focused on you and your child. You and your child come first.<p>Let us know how we can help, Nelly.<p>Catnip =^^=

Catnip:<p>Thanks for welcoming me here. I will continue to read the material here. This has been pretty damn hard and difficult for me. My husband wants to be involved in the OC life and yes, he is still in a fog about OW. He is full of guilt constantly regrets any of this happened. He is trying to make both sides happy.<p>I have been damn patient here. We went to counseling for a few months but it just wasn't working for us. I have been reading and am trying to focus on myself and this little one growing inside of me. I am sure that there were some things going on before we came to this point. So maybe that's what I need to change. Just trying to reach some understanding...<p>thanks

Nelly<p>There is a lot of insight here so I hope you will continue to post and read the threads. Did you have a chance to read the Harley Principles on the Ruels of Honesty and the Rules of Protection and the Policy of Joint Agreement?<p>Is your husband still invovled with OW or emotionally connected to her? Is there contact right now? Harley says that there should be no contact with her whatsoever on any level. Is he willing to put all that aisde for now and let the two of you work on the marriage and get that stabilized? <p>I am so glad he is so excited about the child you're going to be having. I think if I were in your position, I would print out some of the thread on what Harley days about OC contact and leave it lying around. Sometimes the power of the printed word has an impact that dialog lacks.<p>Keep posting, Nelly.<p>Catnip =^^=

Hi Nelly,<p>I agree with Catnip, study all you can here and read up on what others have experienced with having contact with oc or not having contact. Hopefully, in time, you and h can come to an enthusiastic solution together. I personally, agree with the NO contact decision because when trying to restore a marriage, it requires the WS to never speak to or have contact with OW and that obviously can't happen if there is contact with oc. Plus, contact with OC would provoke and remind BS about the betrayal. When the oc is older and seeks his father on his own, that will be fine by me.<p>You and I have similar stories. My h and i have been together for 7 years (married 4). I am 28, he will be 29 soon. I, too, am pregnant with our first child. It should be an exciting time, I know it is for me. I know you probably have the same concerns that i had regarding h having contact or wanting contact with oc. I may have been lucky because x-ow's true colors came out during their A, after conception but before finding out she was prg, and he doesn't want anything to do with her. It may have played out differently if she had been nice about everything, considering the damage done to everyone, but h decided he needn't be associated with someone like that. <p>Your h may be feeling obligated to this oc possibly because he feels guilty or maybe she is making him feel that way (that was our case). Who or why was the decision made to move near you guys? That is the least healthy way to restore a marriage, in my opinion. Again, if the ow is nice, I may even have a soft spot for her, but when ow only aims to destruct, we have our guards and shields ready.<p>Lastly, but certainly not the least, in fact it is most important... Pray for clarity, that God would be the one to make the decision here that is in the best interest of your marriage. God didn't establish a convenant only for it to be torn down by sin. We can all have victory in this trial, ow, oc, you, me, our h's. But our family does come first. If you are faithful, God will see to that. So pray relentlessly for your h, your child, your future family and the trial at hand. <p>God Bless,
Julia<p>[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: mnca6713julia3 ]</p>

I will definitely print out some materials and conveniently leave it around...<p>The OW even called me in the beginning of all of this mess and apologized but of course, I didn't believe that it was sincere.<p>I truly don't want her over here because it is just too much. Believe me it is a little easier with her on the other side of the country. He is still emotionally connected and that baby sure doesn't help.<p>I am trying my best to keep this marriage together but i refuse to do it on my own. It just doesn't work that way. I wanted to give him an ultamatum but after reading here, I see that demands aren't good...<p>Nelly