Something you posted struck me in such a way I just had to reply.
( I need to figure this cut and paste thing out so I can quote y'all)<p>You said "even though I have been on this site for longer than I should be"<p>what determines how long a person should be here? Who determines how long it takes to heal ourselves? <p>Without you , that have been here awhile , us "newbies" would be floundering with no rational guidance. We need y'alls opinions, wisdom and support.<p>I thank all of y'all for just being here [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now I feel all warm and fuzzy...LOL<p>Peace and Happy Thursday!

Ditto... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, thanks. But, the truth is, I kind of need this place right now.<p>I am a little embarrassed that I still hang around like the ghost of Christmas past, unwilling to move on. But, my un-marriage has been a source of confusion for me since d-day October-November 1998. I first came here waaaaay back in May of 99 and I'm still here and that scares me.<p>Most of the old timers have moved on while I still come here and shoot off my mouth, which isn't fair because I seldom post about myself anymore because it is so exhausting and complicated and I am truly weighing and measuring my situation. I also feel that if I fail at this marriage, and I very well could fail, I will have somehow lost the war within myself.<p>Ah, never mind. I am in a state of flux and probably will be for a while longer. I want to just move on and make a decision and stick to it but when one is married to someone who is mentally ill and an alcoholic, you can get as sick as they are.<p>My husband is sober right now, taking his meds religiously, yet I have certain trust issues that plague me and I live in terror that he will resume drinking if I let him move back in with me.<p>I like our arrangment right now. He lives three blocks away, we see each other almost every day and spend the weekends together. He sleeps over here on weekends and I like my time away from him but I love my time with him, too. We go to dinner, he buys me flowers and turns over his paycheck so I can pay our bills, we go for long rides, we have really great sex and then he goes home. I really like it this way.<p>Around the first week of April, I am moving into a new place and he thinks he is coming there with me. He is so excited to be able to live with me again, he can hardly contain his joy. Me, on the other hand, is scared shytless that once firmly ensconced in the bosom of our home, he will start drinking again, and I will have to throw his a$$ out once and for all. And I just don't have the energy to go through that right now. I keep hoping he will say he wants to keep things as they are for a while longer, but, Spouse, being Spouse that he is, is ready to barrel ahead and make huge life changes.<p>My whole life with him has been one huge ride of extremely high highs and low lows. And above all, I was so in love with him for 22 years, until just last summer, I couldn't see straight. Now I don't feel that desperate need to be in his face or constantly around him anymore. Partly because he is exhausting because he has such a strong personality and is extremely charismatic.<p>Lately, I am no longer charmed by his charisma and most days find it annoying. I just want him to calm way down and maintain low tones.<p>So, while I ponder the good, bad and the ugly of my husband and what I can and am willing to endure and that what I am not, I remain tied to this site to give lofty advice and platitudes in an effort to find some answers for myself. Kind of why most psychiatrists enter into psychiatry, because they themselves are nuttier than fruitcakes and know they need help.<p>Just beware that the stuff I spew are the words of a madwoman. At least this is how I feel lately. Therefore, one can certainly stay somewhere too long, long after their usefulness has expired.<p>Anyway, thanks for the nice words. I am going to put my opinionated butt to bed and dream of grassy meadows and me frolicking in a gauzy dress wearing a straw hat.... and meet a really boring, uncomplicated man and run off to somewhere equally as boring. I long for boring and uneventful.<p>Catnip =^^=

I think everyone here at MB's longs for boring and uneventful

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by catnip:
<strong>Therefore, one can certainly stay somewhere too long, long after their usefulness has expired.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Don't be silly. If that were the case, I should never EVER have come here. My ancient history as an OW is forever buried in my past. My husband doesn't hold it against me. My son doesn't hold it against me. I don't hold it against myself. BS MIGHT hold it against me, but she shouldn't because she still has her H and we were never in love nor was I trying to steal him whatsoever...<p>I certainly don't identify myself as an OW in my personal life. I don't see myself that way nor do I advocate that lifestyle. My OC is grown. We have a loving family. I'm married (9 years) with no affairs... I still love my husband and I even LIKE him! So what is the point of posting here? To help and encourage others going through what we have been through and even learn about some things about what we haven't been through. So catnip, if (SINCE) your purpose is to help, that could never be useless, but that is just my opinion and I'm certainly entitled to be wrong!<p>I think that when flaming OPs come here and call you out by your screenname, it can be disheartening. But we know that you are tougher than to back down to something like that. Still, it hurts. Nevertheless, you have way more support here than criticism so always remember that. After all, without you, this place wouldn't even be here!<p>[ March 08, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

BTDT<p>Thanks for your "buck up". <p>Being called out by OP's doesn't hurt me or dishearten me. But, it does frustrate me because all I hear are illogical and disrespectful judgments and it stuns me that people prefer to live illusions so they can live with themselves rather than see things the way they really are.<p>But, you're right about one thing, being able to offer solace to someone in pain is something that one never out grows.<p>Catnip =^^=

Catnip, I just had to let you know that you made my day. In one of your posts in another thread you called someone a "chowder head". I don't think I've heard that since H.S. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Catnip,<p>I had to write and encourage you to share your own feelings about what is happening in your life much more than you have been doing. It is wonderful that you try to help the newbies but don't forget that we are here to support you too.<p>When you described your relationship with your H and how it has changed, I thought you were describing mine. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I used to feel that what my H and I shared was so special that there was no one else in the world so attuned to each other, or so much in love. <p>We have a wonderful marriage still, but it is now a realistic marriage. I know that he is capable of major errors of judgment. And most of all, I know that he is capable of placing me in a place somewhere in his subconscious while he is consciously wooing another woman. That knowledge still smarts from time to time but it does not have the power to destroy me anymore, not like it used to.<p>You said it so well, Cat, when you said you are not desperate to be in his face or constantly around him anymore. That is the major change that I have seen in myself. I have developed a real sense of "self".<p>It is a wonderful thing most of the time. But, I admit that sometimes I long for the days of innocence when I believed the sun rose and set on the man that I loved. At the same time, I know I am a better person for not being as dependent as I used to be. <p>In the past, if my H was angry about something I would jump through hoops trying to placate him and "make it better". Now, when he is angry, I address what I can and leave him to figure out the rest by himself. <p>I have not had to deal with actual illness in my H as you have, but his strong personality and charisma are very much the same as your H. <p>Sometimes when we feel that sense of loss -- the loss of what our marriage used to be -- maybe that is when we need to share those feelings on MB. <p>For me, you will always represent the beacon that helped me find my way out of my own darkness. You could never ever, in my humble opinion, outserve your usefulnees of this Board. I have never met a lady with so much to share, such class, and such a huge heart. <p>Let others help you -- whatever little we can do.<p>love,
heavenly

After not posting for a long time, Heavenly and Catnip have drawn me out of the emotional cave in which I hide. Hello, old friends.<p>Oh, how your responses strike a chord with me! I, too, have been coming here far longer than I had hoped when I first posted. Like Catnip, my DDay #1 was in November, 1998, and I still struggle on a daily basis. While it is true that "things" are better, and I have many days when I function well, life for me is not the same, and I have resigned myself to the fact that it never will be.<p>H and I are still together, although I'm not sure if that's the good news or the bad news. We have regular, frequent visitation and OC and I have a loving relationship, which I enjoy. BUT, the continuing involvement w/OW for pickup and drop off, etc. is an intense emotional drain...day in and day out. While I believe that the affair is over, I still agonize and wonder about what may be going on in their heads.<p>My story is soooo complicated that I don't have the strength right now to refresh anyone's memory. H is also very charismatic, charming, etc., but I know only too well the darker side to these qualities. Deep in my heart, I know the only peace I will ever find is without him in my life, yet I remain because I love him so much and I also don't want to see my family torn apart.<p>Catnip and Heavenly, please continue posting. When I sign on to the board, I also first look for your postings because you both are, and always have been, constant sources of strength to me. You are dear to me, and I have the utmost respect for you both.<p>Docs girl, listen and heed the advice of these two ladies. It will help you.<p>love, anniem

catnip i too lurk here often although i don't post offen. my dday is July01. i am still an emotional reck and by h leaves approx. every 2 weeks. i tend to throw the A in his face every chance i get. he tells me often he will not be punished for the rest of his life. our relationship is a constant battle and we both agreed last night that we will probably divorce. so don't feel bad about still being on this board i know that i need you to be here. thanks.