My husband is 40 years old and I'm 33. We've been married for almost 8 years. Initially, we said that we wanted to focus on our careers and having a family would come some time in the future. We had talked about possibly having a baby when I turned 35. Well, once I turned 31 that all changed for me. I deperately wanted a child. I started to communicate this to my husband and he had no interest. Well, more than 2 years has passed and our relationship has started to deteriorate because of this. It got to the point where I gave him an ultimatum. I told him that if he didn't agree to start trying by March 1 of this year then I'd leave him. To make a long stroy short, I decided to stick around because I've realized that my husband's desire to not have a child is because he is not happy with his life (mostly his career. We've also realized that we have some other issues that we need to work through, which is why we've decided to start counseling next week. I decided to give it another 6 months. I figured going to counseling 1x per week for this length of time should help us work through some of our issues.<p>So, here's the question. Am I being a fool by sticking around? This man is 40 years old! If he doesn't want to have a baby now, will he ever? I also am turning 34 in a few months and feel my time is running out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

<small>[ February 10, 2005, 04:16 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Hi Tweetie,
Our case is a little similiar in that we have
been working on getting more settled with our
careers, moving into a house, etc... and
right now our finances are not as such that
we could afford a child, so it will not be
happening anytime soon.
I am somewhat in a hurray at times and feel
my "biological clock" ticking away (I am older
than you are- 38) but realize that we need to be
ready and both in 100 percent agreement before
we start trying for a family.
I think though that trying to enforce a strict time-line or giving ultimatums is probably a
good way to push your husband further away and
may ultimately destroy your relationship,
because you are definitely doing major "LB's"
by making demands and trying to force your
husband to do things at your pace.
Having someone give me a deadline to do things
their way or having them threaten to leave would
certainly not make me feel loved, valued, or
respected ! I would want to have a very strong,
honest, and mutually respectful marriage before
I would even consider bringing children into it.<p>My suggestion would be to calmly, rationally
talk to you husband and tell him your feelings
in a very honest, open way and then to let him
tell you his in the same way. Neither is right
or wrong, just each giving their own opinion.
Perhaps finding out his reasons for not being
ready or his knowing yours would help you to
reach a compromise or be more willing to give it
some time.... not a deadline, just working
towards a goal ? POJA applies here...and lots
of patience. I would definitely apply lots of
energy and time to making the marriage as best
as it can be and see if things don't just
resolve themselves in time... you have plenty of
it, so don't hurry things. <p>I know from the experience of a very close friend
that having a child when one person is not ready
can be a disaster. She wanted to start a family
so bad that she went off birth control without
her husband knowing, got pregnant, and then
couldn't understand why he wasn't thrilled ??!
This has caused a lot of resentment and further
marital problems.<p>Just some thoughts...
Anne