First, let me begin, by saying that dinner with twiisty and Mr. "T" was really nice! <p>Now, I need some uplifting input to get me by this hurdle. <p>1. I am pretty sure that I am somewhat stressed and I am pretty sure that I am PMSing...<p>2. That said, my h and I got into a MAJOR argument on Thursday night.<p>Long story short, I am our school's test coordinator and standardized testing started today. H is currently getting a dental plate and has been going to the dentist every week on his days off. The dentist is an absolute fear and I mean sweating, shaking, dizziness fear for my h.<p>So, we had been talking all week about the testing the I was coordinating and how difficult and stressful it was. He calls me Thursday to tell me that he has scheduled his oral surgery for Thursday...of testing week. He will have 11 teeth removed and needs me to take him and pick him up. Uh, hello!!! I have state testing...I cannot take any time off work during the week of testing. Could he reschedule?<p>He goes ballistic. Words, I will not repeat,come flying out of his mouth about how selfish I am and how he will take care of it on his own..."as usual" and hangs up on me. This is during work hours so I wait until I get home but I am fuming. I almost call a divorce atty. on my way home from work. I could not believe that he would not listen to me explain...calmly...I might add, that there was no one to cover for me and that substitutes could not be used during the testing. I even could have taken him in the afternoon.<p>I make the mistake of telling him that I know what he is going through. He gets even angrier and starts throwing stuff. I get on the phone and call an atty. I then get on the computer and start dividing our possessions in two lists.<p>Eventually, I am able to say to him that I never said I empathize or understand, I said I know. I said that I know that this is the hardest thing he has ever had to do including giving up drugs and having diabetes. I said I know that he has been going faithfully for over a month and that he will not sleep well until this is over. I said I know that he is also struggling with the thought of the needles. <p>3. All I can think of this entire time is that I walk through fire for him and this is the f@#king thanks I get. Drop my entire life so he can go to the dentist at that time on that day? Give me a break! Forget it!!!<p>Then he brings up the fact that he is going through a rough time with exow not allowing him to see his son and that his father never got to meet him. I then go ballistic. What does he think he lives in a damn bubble!!!!! I do not deserve to be screamed at when he really wants to scream at the other woman. I did not put either of us in this situation. Go yell at her!!!<p>4. Anyway, I am sorry that I am whining, but here is the real issue. I still have the appt. with the atty. I am procrastinating cancelling it. I am really hurt by his anger and selfishness. I cannot get over this bs. He, on the other hand, is now being super nice and has apologized several times for being an [censored]. <p>5. The clincher...I am on my way to work talking to him on the cellphone and ask him to wish me luck today. He says, "For what?" TESTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>HELP!<p>[ March 11, 2002: Message edited by: tryin4sainthood ]</p>

It's all about "them", isn't it? It is that very same thinking that got us all into this messy life altering situation to begin with.<p>Just dropped by to tell you I completely understand your frustration and anger. When one human being can inflict such heartbreak onto another and then insult them further with vile abuse, it almost makes you feel like you must be insane.<p>I am so sorry he put you through this. Although I understand his phobia completely, no one has a right to attack without provocation. Regardless, there is no excuse for abuse.<p>Try to tune him out until he gets through the dentist appointments. Once the dust settles and he is sorry for hurting you, remind him of the boundaries you have declared to protect yourself and one of them is that you refuse to accept blame for anything out of your control, among other things.<p>I would make a very concise list of behaviors I expect and behaviors that are unacceptable and have him enter into a POJA. Set up the boundaries and make them crystal clear. <p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ March 12, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

Are you saying that you don't have the energy left to forgive? Would your life truly be better without him? Are his selfish demands the love busters that are causing you to so severly withdraw? If so, then they need to be addressed--you know the behaviors that cause us to want to set up the boundaries. That plus the annoying habit of bringing up the OW and whatever pain she has caused him that you have nothing to do with. These seem to be the LB's that are draining your love bank.<p>If you can forgive him, he's lucky. He said he is sorry, but he must be willing to change those behaviors before he runs you out the door with his love busting!<p>BTW, how did your testing go???

BTDT and catnip,<p>Thank you! Yes, I am going to set boundaries. He is a very emotional man when it comes to his anger. His diabetes doesnt help because when his blood sugar is out of whack he can really be an ahole.<p>I am going to sit down with him before his surgery, now scheduled for the 21st, and after testing, which ends Friday. I am not going to be the brunt of his anger.<p>When we talked calmly, he said that he knows he is an angry person but that is just how he is. I told him that is not acceptable. I am overweight and I cannot say to him...well, that's just how it is. It is a choice.<p>He needs some counseling on his own to figure out how to better handle his anger. That will probably be included in my boundaries. He can be very disrespectful when he is angry and after this affair and oc, I am just not willing to stand for it anymore. <p>I say....look I am here, you need to be grateful, appreciative, and I will never be your verbal punching bag again. I also know that I am no angel, but I shouldnt be treated like the devil incarnate either.<p>Thanks for the plan. I dont think we ever really sat down and made one. I think we will post ours on the fridge. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Good luck on the plan!:-)<p>[ March 21, 2002: Message edited by: nursebetty ]</p>