I had posted a question about the affects of my husband's affair on my 16 year old daughter, but I think that I need more advice, if that's ok?

It's been a little over a month since d-day. My husband had had a relapse on March 25th, which I promptly discovered and put an end to. On that particular day, my daughter was home, trying to spend time with him and make an attempt with talking to him. Unfortunately, he was chatting through Yahoo with the OW and the phrases "I can't talk right now, since my daughter is attached to me at the hip, etc" were seen. My daughter sees this (as I did) as a second betrayal. Even though I recognized this as a relapse, she is unable to.

So, being that my husband is kind of stubborn, I convinced him to make the first move at trying to open a line of communication with her. He typed her a letter saying he was sorry, etc.

The letter that she typed back was full of hatred, condemnation, etc. It really hurt his feelings, and a big argument ensued.

Yes, I understand that she's still angry and hurt. Perhaps she's stuck in her "angry phase" because she never took the opportunity to yell at him like I was able to. She told me that it was wrong to yell at him, because that showed a lack of respect. Well, to hold a grudge and turn your back on someone who is trying to make amends, is a lack of respect, in my eyes.

My husband knows that he made a mistake, and he didn't mean to hurt her, but he is trying the best he can to show her that he's sorry...she just refuses to give him the chance. She acts as if he doesn't exist!!

Our recovery is doing rather well, but I'm worried that the relationship between my husband and daughter will never recover. She's always been a very mature/level headed girl, and honestly, I'm very surprised that she's being so stubborn about this.

What type of counselling should I pursue for her? Should it be individual, or perhaps the two of them seek a counsellor? I'm thinking about making an appointment with our senior pastor at church...perhaps she may listen to him?

I can tell her all day long that you should forgive wrongs done to you, but for some reason, she's having such a hard time putting this into practice. Any advice you can give will be greatly appreciated!!

First, good for you for being so forgiving. I'm sure that is hard.

Next, I don't know what advice to give for your daughter. That is sure a difficult age. I can assume she held her father in high regard and to find out this other side of him must have made that image crash down & smash. I suspect a great deal of the anger she is expressing is her own hurt turning outward.

I'm sorry her reply hurt your husbands feelings but can he not see how much he has hurt his family? Isn't he the adult?

Yes, you can tell her 'all day long' how she should act but I think this is something she has to learn for herself.

HTH

I grew more and more frustrated as I read your post. That's wonderful that you were able to forgive your H, but to expect your 16 year old daughter to just get over her pain is a mistake in my opinion. You need to let her release this anger until there is none left. Does you H really expect for the pain to vanish just because he is trying to fix things? That's going to take time. Right now, your daughter feels like she lost one of the most important people in her life...he is not who she thought he was. She needs time to heal. That pain may never fully go away, but it made me sick to see you criticizing this young woman for not being more forgiving. This is incredibly difficult for her and I agree that this is one of the most difficult ages for girls as they are becoming a woman.

The email she saw probably tore her heart out just when she was trying to see the positive side of her father. I think that would have killed my love for my dad to be considered a nuisance with relation to this OW.

Your expectations are incredibly high for your daughter. Yes, counseling is in order as she attempts to sort out her feelings. I hope you are more supportive and validating of her feelings in real life than you are in this post or she's going to have a heck of a time forgiving you, too.

My oldest daughters were 16 and 18 at the time of my H's betrayal. Of course it is a betrayal of the whole family - one of my kids even said, "He knew how I (the daughter) felt about adultery." They do view it as a personal betrayal. Some people, including my daughters, believe that adultery is unforgivable - you don't get a second chance. They know I don't agree. They are entitled to their opinion, as I am entitled to mine. I personally find it disrespectful for someone to suggest that counseling is necessary simply because the daughter is angry (and certainly justifiably so) with her father. You can't, or at least shouldn't, tell someone that they need counseling because they don't share your opinions on forgiveness.

I don't know if it would be any different if my H had ended his affair or apologized to them, because he has done neither. Five years later they still have nothing to do with him - the younger one has not spoken to him at all in that time period.

I thought about the replies that you have given me, and you're right...I am trying to rush it. Probably because I'm the type of person who likes to fix things. Yet, with this...I realize that by trying to do so, I would end up damaging things even more.

So, I took my daughter out to our favorite park and we had a long chat about this. She does want to go to through counselling, so her and I will choose a counsellor together...someone who she feels comfortable with. This was her idea...not mine. I did not tell her that she must go, she made the decision herself.

Other than the betrayal of my husband's affair, we got to the other main reason why she's so angry. It seems that everyone such as her friends, school counsellor, etc, always ask her how my husband and I are doing. They never ask her how SHE is doing. She feels unimportant and invisible.

Honestly, I didn't know this. My husband and I had been forced to focus on getting the OW out of our lives (we're dealing with a fatal attraction type) that I forgot about my daughter. So, I guess that her reaction to this situation and my husband in particular, is natural, for lack of a better term. I have never been in this situation before, so that's why I'm here...to try to learn from others on how to deal with this.

I have searched for websites and books to try and help her, but haven't found much out there. I'll just let her call the shots and support her in anyway that I can.

Thank you for the constructive criticism. Yes, it hurt me a bit to read it, but it did help me to realize that I was going about this the wrong way. Thanks for the advice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't, or at least shouldn't, tell someone that they need counseling because they don't share your opinions on forgiveness.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1) why does counseling have to be this negative event in someone's life?

2) I don't think anyone was suggesting counseling because of a difference of opinions. I suggested it because her daughter is going through a rough time in her life and could use some help sorting out her anger and learning how to express it more productively.

Fortunately, her daughter was mature enough to separate this negative social stigma surrounding therapy and realize the potential benefit. Actually, until people do that, they're not going to get much benefit out of therapy, anyhow. You have to go into it ready to make changes, renew pain, open those dark closets that we'd all just rather forget about...grow up. I think it's wonderful that her daughter is ready for that. Due to my family history, I've been going to counseling since I was five years old (I haven't felt a NEED for it since I had depression problems about 7 years ago due to some family deaths). It took a long time before I was old enough and mature enough to benefit from the counseling--now I look forward to that professional support system even when it is not necesary--fortunately, it is free where I work.

Arabeque, I think the way you are supporting your daughter and making sure she has the external support system she needs is great.
She needs to work through the feelings that are tormenting her and her family...not be denied them or ridiculed for them. I think you can see that after talking to her more.

Take care,
Smile

SmileADay --> great advice and post!

I too believe that counselling is not a *bad* thing. My ex was of the mind that if you went to counselling something was *wrong* with you.

Arabesque --> She does want to go to through counselling, so her and I will choose a counsellor together...someone who she feels comfortable with. Sounds like you have been doing some soul searching. Do find someone she is comfortable with, but also let her know that if she doesn't like that person that you will find someone else that she is comfortable with. Is she open to talking to the counsellor at school? (They usually know other counsellors who are familiar with young adults and may help you find someone who is *cool* and someone she can develop a good relationship where she can open up and help develop some coping strategies through all this).

Good luck!

Arabesque: In my opinion, You are the one she is watching. How you respond to this is modelling the behavior for her, right or wrong with MB. I think you and your husband should pursue counseling with the pastor(your suggestion) first. Then when things are better between the two of you, then she will see that firsthand. Kudos for you to talk with her about forgiveness. Now you will have to show her the 'walk'. She will no doubt gain insight and experience for her own future when she has boyfriends and a spouse.
Also, it is wonderful that you insist that she be respectful of her father. This is between the two of you first and then the ow. That is hard to take at first but so very true. I know you and your spouse are going to make some difficult choices but you both are showing your child ONE way to handle things in life. Peace