Hi. I am pregnant and a lot further along than I thought. I felt like I was being told I was pregnant for the first time. I was astounded. <p>First, the midwife listened to the baby with the doptone (still a little early for the fetoscope according to her but my lay midwife back home would have been able)and she said the baby sounds great. What a relief! Of course, what can we tell from a heartbeat?<p>Anyway, this puts conception during an extremely painful time. I either conceived 5 days after D-day when I went to H's hotel to keep him from committing suicide, OR roughly 5 days before D-day. Either way, I put this sweet, vulnerable human being through the most intense stress possible while all it was doing was trying to grow and survive. No wonder I failed so many pregnancy tests - I was in danger of losing the baby and the hormone level wasn't high enough.<p>I wasn't eating, sleeping and felt like I was having a heart attack or stroke most of the time. I have never been through so much stress in all of my life and I put this tiny little fetus through it too!!!<p>I realized that this baby and my other two children have to be my priority. My H, his whore, and all of his horrendous actions (the affair isn't actually the worst of them) are not what I need to be focusing on. I don't want to spend another second on them. I want to run away and take care of my children with the support of my family.<p>I told this to my H Friday night. He was great all weekend, finally trying to meet my needs but I don't trust it. He has a habit of doing this and pulling back again.<p>We are supposedly in recovery but I just don't have the energy to give to this guy anymore. I want to focus on my kids. I feel like the worst mother in the world for what I may have done to this baby. Has anyone else been in their first trimester and went through D-day?<p>How do I focus on my kids with a high-maintenance H as we try to recover (assuming I stay?).

Hello,
I was just beginning my second trimester when d-day occured. I was at risk of a miscariage from the beginning and when the affair happended. I was so worried that my H might do something because he seemed very confused at the time and was not happy with me being pregnant.<p>After he told me I started to bleed a little and then I decided I had to forget about the Affair and deal with it latter so I would not loose my baby. As it is the baby was premature. He is fine now.<p>I hope that you can focus on your pregnancy and not get to stressed out. It is hard to do I know. Take care.<p>Dawn

Dawn, <p>I am so sorry to hear what you went through, and your son, as well. I am pleased to hear that he is fine now. How are you doing now?

As I was reading your message I noticed something. You wrote about taking care of your unborn child and your other children. You even mentioned taking care of your "high maintainence H." You forgot the most important person of all. YOU. If you do not take of you first you will not be able to care for all the others. This is not selfish, the bible mentaions in several places about caring for oneself. Giving has to come freely from the heart not from the sense of responsibilty. Giving everything you have does not make you a more attractive person it just burns you out. Your H is an adult, he should not have to be maintained. Don't try to fix and smooth over everything yourself or try to shoulder the responsiblity. Your H should shoulder his half and if he does not then he should pay the consequences. TAKE CARE OF YOU.

nursebetty,
I have my good days and bad. I still have a lot of angry and saddness. It is really hard to deal with the fact that when I needed my H the most he was not there for me.<p>I guess another thing is that I do not know if OC is my H. H tried to contact her for a paternity test and she refused. So, I am trying to deal with the fact that I might never know if OC is my H. I should count my blessing and move on. Boy is that hard to do. But I am trying to do that.<p>My H has been doing things like I asked him. And I am working on some of the things that he would like me to do differently.

I guess it just takes time.<p>So when are you due? Please try to care of yourself. <p>Dawn

nursebetty, <p>I just wanted to say that I agree, you need to take care of yourself! <p>It seems that this baby was conceived during a very stressful time in your life. That was not your fault. I don't know that being conceived in a stressful time would actually physically harm a fetus, but I do know that it's helpful to be in a more peaceful environment. You can't change it now, so now all you can do is to go on from here and do your best, just like you have been doing.<p>Stress isn't going to cause deformities or an unhealthy baby. (that I know of) I feel that the best thing you can do is to make sure that the baby has a healthy environment to grow up in once she/he arrives. If that means leaving your husband, do it. If that means making the marriage better, do that. <p>Your hormones are running amuck! I don't know that I would make any huge, life-altering descisions at this point in your life. <p>Whatever you choose, know that you've done your best so far and I know that you will continue to do so. <p>Take care, <p>tinlizzy

Thanks for the support. I have been screaming (inside) that I need my needs met too. When my mom was visiting us (well, helping me to mother) she could not believe how much my husband took from and required of me. She kept telling me that I need to take care of myself. <p>I should mention that my husband has had clinical depression (undiagnosed until recently) and has been suicidal. In addition, he has asked for and required a great deal. He is going through something regarding his childhood and needs mothering. I even tried to recruit his family to do this but they are more interested in blaming me and denying that he is suicidal. I have shouldered everything and it has been difficult. I am hoping his meds kick in someday soon. We have just moved to a new state so we are searching for a therapist.<p>The problem is mixed feelings, and an intuition radar that is very much off. Somedays he can meet my needs to different degrees and I can't imagine walking away from this marriage. Other times I can't imagine staying. Which is true? I feel such pressure to decide what is best for my kids. <p>As for the baby, I don't know what kind of problems could arise from massive amounts of stress hormones. Today I worked on my at-home-business newsletter. It was something for me.

Hi there...I just wanted to let you know that I was also pregnant when I found out about my H affair and OC. I was under alot of stress even without the revelation of the affair.
My father, (with whom I had been thru alot with and was VERY close with) was diagnosed with an incurable cancer in Oct of 1999. He was given 6 months to live. I had lost my mom to cancer 20 years before that, as a teen, so we were the best of friends. I got pregnant with my son in Jan 2000, and was put on bedrest for spotting end of March. My father was flown home on the last day of my rest to pass away in his own home (he went to florida ever winter) and he died 4 days later. Almost three months later I learned of my H affair and OC, I was 5 months pg. I lost 10 lbs in a week, and cried daily. I was amazed at the stress that my son endured while I was pregnant. He came almost two weeks late and wieghed in at 9lbs 6oz. I remember asking my gyno if the baby would survive the stress of my fathers death, and he said that babies are alot more reilient than you think they could be.
Just remember to take care of yourself and the baby. And keep posting as that is what kept me sane...the people here and the support they gave me.
NGU

Not Giving Up-
I am so sorry to hear all that you went through with your pregnancy. My babies come late too so that alone is stressful with everyone else "freaking out" about it. <p>My last two pregnancies were pretty much hell because of my husband too, extremely high stress. It seems that he dreams up more horrific ways to torture me while I am carrying each of his subsequent children. The funny thing is that he is a very good father.<p>He actually is trying to be a good husband now though in many ways. I am under less stress now I think. Although I did move cross country and currently live in a hotel with two small children while we wait to close on our new house [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I think I am just going with the flow. When one has had their life ripped apart as mine has been, you learn to be even more adaptable than before. But I don't think I have to tell anyone on this board that.<p>He even asked me if the midwife has Sat. apptmnts so he can attend prenatals with me.

You hang in there woman. I guess we all just have to let go of the things we cannot control and focus on the things we can change and change them, #1 being our own thoughts which shape our attitudes.<p>You are a strong lady and you are carrying too much on your shoulders. Roll it all over onto the Lord. Just turn it all over and let Him worry about your H's high maintenance problems. Let Him worry about your kids, even. It's too much for you and it could kill you! (stress)<p>Glad to hear about your newsletter work. That's good. I'll be praying for a full-term pregnancy, healthy and safe delivery, and a fully restored marriage for you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

BTDT -<p>Thank you! God & I talk daily but the reminder is always excellent. Even if it gets me through the next few minutes! Thank you so much for your prayers!

He wasn't there for me last night again. Is it that hard to hold someone and say comforting words of regret and love? Am I not getting it? He could do it right after D-day. Why not now?<p>He told me that I take joy in reminding him of how he has wronged me, in hurting him. Joy! It is astounding to me. He is still so self-centered. If he thinks I want to spend one more second thinking about the nightmare he has put us through he is completely wrong. But he always thinks the worst of me. I have told him many times that I don't want to punish him or make him feel worse (he is suicidal), that I just want to move on but I can't when amends haven't been properly made.<p>He left me messages and emails thanking me for sharing my feelings. He is trying, at times. He also stayed up for awhile with the baby who woke up at 11pm as I was exhausted. What I have tried to explain is little love bank deposits may not be enough to make up for all of the years of hurt.<p>If I had family & friends to lean on for support maybe I could wait for him to be a real husband. But I have three little children (one unborn) to focus on. It takes such mental gymnastics to get through the day I am not focusing on them. We moved cross-country where I don't know anyone. I gave up my dear friends two years ago to move for his job (it was the worst decision of my life) and then again three weeks ago. I am no longer within driving distance of anyone who loves me (with exception of my sweet girls who are playing Mommy and Big Sister with teddy bears on the couch!)<p>I can't bother family or friends at work with my issues and those that are SAHMs are busy with their little children. Besides, it is difficult to talk on the phone in a non-childproofed hotel room with the little ones. MB is my only support.
Thank you all for that.<p>I don't know if I can make it. I may have to fly home for my mother's surgery and I don't know if I will come back.

I had a dream that H had revived contact with OW and was upset and jealous because of all the new sexual partners she had acquired, men that he knew. He kept saying "I thought we were friends."
I lovebusted him bigtime in the dream and he left me sitting in a booth restaurant with all of these tiny fragile Christmas ornaments to wrap up. I felt trapped at the booth until I was done wrapping them and I didn't understand why he had them at the restaurant anyway. It was his way of keeping me there. I decided to follow, apologize for lovebusting, try to listen to him tell me about his jealousy and then leave him for good.

Nursebetty<p>
you do have "family and friends" to lean on for support....you have us<p>
Peace! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks DocsGirl! I jumped on to check on someone else and saw this. I just spoke to my midwife and talking with her helped a lot. I am pulling away from H a bit. He asked me on the phone and I said no. He asked if I wanted to talk about it when he got home.<p>I said no and when he asked why I told him that he isn't there for me and that will just hurt me more and I am so angry that if I speak now I will say things that will end our marriage and possibly our friendship. I mean I have really cruel things swirling in my brain so I AM NOT going to say them.<p>I feel a lot better though. I don't know how to balance trying to work on the relationship while taking care of myself and not turning to him for support but I will try.