I have recently found out (Valentines Day), that my husband has been having an affair. We have a 3 year old and I am 7 months pregnant. He has assured me that no sex has taken place, but i was tested for all sorts of things, particularly for the safety of the baby.
I have her phone number, and I really want to call her to ask her for the truth about the physical contact, just so i do not wonder for the rest of my life whether I am dealing with the whole affair, or just a portion of it. I dont know whether to call or not. He just spent 5 days on 'business' in Arizona where she lives, and I know they saw each other everyday (this was just before I found out).
Also, we just married in August of 2001, and he is claiming that although they've known each other for 2 years, the affair began in September 2001. I think he is scared of me finding out that the affair was going on while we were planning the wedding-not that this makes much difference.
I know he is not crazy about me calling her, but I dont feel like I'm getting the whole truth. Any ideas would be greatly welcomed. thanks.

I wonder how many BS want to call and question the OW or OP. I recently saw the OW and had the opportunity to question her if I wanted to. <p>When I found first out, he said he would tell OW it was over and asked if he could meet her one night (@6pm) to do so. I said ok, not realizing he wouldnt be home till midnight. When I asked him if he slept with her that night he said no, but I dont believe him, and Ive always been curious about that. I wanted to ask OW @ that night but I didn't, partially because I didnt think she would tell me the truth, or she would ask me what H had said, or would tell me to ask H. <p>When I first confronted my H with suspicions of his A. He lied, telling me as little as he had to to get off the hook. I think that is what you got from H & will get from OW. He initially told me he had been taking her out to lunch for about 6 weeks and he was getting ready to end it anyway.<p>Through my own investigation of credit card slips showing lunch for 2 much longer than 6 weeks, cell phone bills (you can request a breakdown of the #'s called...it was easy to find the phone number that he dialed @ 10 times a day) then searching his car and finding letters & dated pictures of them together, I found out that the A had been going on 10 months and she was pregnant w/ his child!! A far cry from lunch only!!<p>Marriage Builders is dedicated to building relationships to the point of total honesty between partners. There is alot of work ahead of you, unfortunately. There is no way to hurry through this process. But I believe your husband will little by little reveal the truth to you. <p>For me, from time to time I would reask a question I had posed before. Even if he said "you've already asked me that." I would say "yes, but I dont understand, please explain it again." (Which was pretty much true, because he was so vague most of the time.) And I would get a little more information, or a different variation of what he had already said. Your memory of what he says will be a lot better than his memory of what he told you!! <p>I think, especially at first, they're gonna say as little as they have to. What ever he's told you, I'm guessing is just the tip of the iceberg. He doesnt want to hurt you anymore than he already has. I told my H by keeping things from me, he WAS hurting me, he was only protecting himself. I told him he couldnt hurt me anymore than he already had, so he may as well tell me the truth. That seemed to help him open up.<p>This is just my opinion, and is worth as much as what you paid for it (meaning nothing!)<p> Maybe some have had productive expierences questioning the OW. If so, youre sure to hear about them. Then the choice is yours. If you do tell me what happens.

You could always try but my H's OW was more of a liar than my H was. I agree with the previous post that if he is lying he will continue to screw up. They do have difficulty keeping their lies straight. This is what my H did. There is a book out, something like "Never be lied to again." It can offer some great tips for getting to the truth of the matter. Just be aware that there may be a long road in front of you and that he may very well break your heart slowly. If his story doesn't make sense he may very well be hiding quite a bit. <p>Applying the principles has helped many rebuild their marriages. I hope it does for you.<p>Oh, and you poor thing finding out on Valentine's Day. I found out right before we were supposed to go on our first date in four years.<p>Good luck and I strongly suggest counseling.

thanks for both of your responses and support. we have begun counciling, and we are currently reading the 'surviving an affair' by Dr. Harley and Dr. Chalmers. We read this together, a chapter every night, which opens up alot of conversation, however it doesn't change the fact that i have been decieved, and feel as though lying is much easier for him than admitting truth- in fear of outcome.
i do continue to ask the same questions all the time, more because for me, the pieces dont seem to fit, but if he is holding back, it may well be that he is afaid of my reaction. i guess i will just keep asking, from what i gather, i can not be guaranteed that her version will be the truth either, right? i dont know what her motives would be for giving any information, and i guess i have to keep remembering that this is between my husband and i, not her, right?

Oh I dread to hear these stories... The wondering...the questions. Here's my brief story:<p>I found out on February 1st of 2001 that my H had an affair that resulted in a child. At that time, I asked for the truth about EVERYTHING! Was there a condom used? Answer: Yes, it broke. H said he was "blasted drunk" (as if that's an excuse). He said it was a one night stand, nothing else happened between them...EVER.<p>Fast forward to August 2001... The OW is STILL persistant about maintaining communication with H, to the point of obsession! As a woman, I know it takes more than "just one time" to get someone THAT desperate, in most cases. We normally have to be "fed". So, I decide to contact the OW myself, for the truth. There was NO condom used. H was NOT drunk. There was ONE OTHER sexual encounter between the two of them, besides the conception date. I confronted H with these facts and he admitted that he had lied. My question was, "WHY, WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE TO WIPE THE SLATE CLEAN IN FEBRUARY, DID YOU CONTINUE TO LIE?" His answer? "I don't know." <p>So, do I think you should have doubts about his truthfulness? Well, I would. I don't consider the confrontation of the OW one of my more shining moments, but for closure, I am glad I did it. It caused more pain in the long run, but I think it was necessary for me to come to terms with what was the right path to take in my life.<p>I believe it is always better to know the truth, good or bad. I, personally, could not continue to live a lie and run the risk of being deceived by my H for the rest of my life.<p>Best of luck...
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amarkus,
I know that my OW tends to lie a lot and by contacting her would do me more harm then good. Some OW are not out to get BS but you would not know if she is lying or not. <p>Dawn