I am so happy to find this site!! It is the most comfort I've found in two days. 48 hrs ago my husband of 8 yrs told me my children, ages 7 and 2 have a sister and he has to pay child support. After realizing he wasn't joking, because he jokes A LOT, I asked how old hoping it was before me and whenhe said 8 1/2 months I was devastated. We have an appt with a marriage counsler next week. The OW is a coworker, but it is a large office and she works far away. he said he knew she was pregnant but thought it was her boyfriends. He was served with papers..when I don't know, but he got the results of the dna test mon and told me tuesday, not only was I hit with the fact he had an affair, but there is an oc. I absolutely do not want him to have any contact with this oc. My friend tells me you can't blame an innocent child. Is it wrong not to want him to ever see this child? I feel so terribly worng and ashamed for feeling this way. My thoughts are she knew what she was doing and she knew he was married when she found out she was pregnant. I am praying for peace and I hope to work this out,but I know the only way I can deal with this is if he severs all ties. If he chooses to see oc I will always be connected to oc. Its bad enough we will pay for his mistake every month for 18 years. I feel like I have the right to tell him no connections with oc, that may hurt oc or hurt him, but he sure hurt me and I have to look out for myself and my children. I am just at a loss. He wants to work things through. His mannerisms and sincerity have been better than I have ever seen. Looking back the last year and a half has been the best time in our marriage. This is the time since the affair ended. When I asked him why he ended it he said because he realized how much I meant to him and he couldn't stand the thought of losing me. Is my decisin fair? If so why do I feel so much grief??
With Love to my new friends!! Yelodaisy

Hi yelodaisy,
I'm also glad you found this site. You will find a lot of support from betrayed spouses in your exact same situation with your exact same emotional struggles.<p>I'm going to take a stab at answering your question about why you are grieving about whether or not your decision not to have contact with OC may be unfair.<p>You are a wife and a mother of two beautiful kids who have the good fortune to be raised by their own parents. From within your marriage, you can see how those kids really and truly need the both of you. You can't imagine a child out there in the world who is a part of your husband being without his influence because he IS the biological father. Am I right?<p>I think it is only natural for you AS A MOM of your own kids, to feel that nurturing pull when you imagine a kid out there who might feel abandoned because they have no dad. But I agree, you are SO RIGHT when you said that the OW made that bed for her OC. She should be feeling the guilt that you describe you are feeling and I hope she does. She has created a lot of pain for her child. She probably has many reasons for why she chose to keep the child and that is her right.<p>Unfortunately, it affects you and your family. Your H probably could have kept it from your little ones.<p>There is some information on this site about a Policy of Joint Agreement. Look under the CONCEPTS link and read. Share this info with your H because if you are not enthusiastic about him contacting that OC, then he should really pay attention. It could negatively affect your marriage if he insists on contact when you are against it.<p>OC can turn out just fine without contact from you and your H. I know because I raised mine that way and he's grown up. He's young and not married. So I guess the real proof of whether or not he "turned out just fine" will be how he handles his future wife--whether he cheats on her or is good to her and honors his vows. I guess "my story" ain't really over yet. But for now, he's just fine. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Welcome to MB!<p>[ March 22, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Hi yelodaisy,
I just wanted to say welcome. What you are feeling is very normal and you are not alone.<p>Dawn

Dear Yelodaisy,
I am glad you found this site. It has been my lifeline of support. <p>My H's A also was with a co-worker, which lasted more than 5 years, and resulted in 2OC. <p>I am now tomorrow approaching my 1 yr. dday anniversary. We are still working at repairing our marriage. We are also trying to come to an agreement on how visitation should be handled. I am trying. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done. Like you I still see these OC as a product of the worst time in my marriage. Some days I think I can do it and it will all work out, then wham some days I can't even be in the house when they visit. <p>We are working with a wonderful therapist, she is helping me feel better about my self and these negative feelings I have towards these OC. All perfectly normal. <p>Please post here often, it is a safe place to vent and not be judged by those of us in the same position. <p>Tina

{{{{{{hugs}}}}} to Yelodaisy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>this place is a safe haven for you to vent your frustrations, insecurities, and even anger.<p>There are some very srong people with some very sound advice. Somedays it seems like a lifeline.<p>Seems weird to welcome someone here... but I'm glad you found this site <p>Peace!

Yelodaisy,<p>I just wanted to add my welcome, and also let you know that I pulled up a post that has a link to an amazing thread from another forum on this board. It basically outlines many things that can help you in your marriage and your recovery.<p>Tigger