H had an A for over 3 years. Now we are going through MC and is at the last process of the therapy. We have no animosity with each other anymore and can forgive what we have done to each other in the past. However, H still cannot restore the intimacy and passion with me. I just want to know if it's really ever possible for him to have that with me again being the scars have been so deep. I know he still thinks about OW and he told me that he was very in love with her. So right now he wants to find out if we can still rebuild the marriage. Am I just deceiving myself that it can still work between us? When will he know that he can or cannot? I'm doing everything that my therapist suggested, just that he still cannot get over this last hurdle. I told him I will not want to stay in this kind of passionless marriage if he cannot restore it, I know I need patience with him, but when will I know enough is enough? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

How long has it been since the affair ended, and has no contact been maintained between your H and the OW?

Order the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley and Dr. Jennifer Chalmers ASAP.

It's been since Jan. that H has NC with OW, unless there is something I didn't know about. But from what I can tell, he's been going through this MC with me with full effort, and that's how we can forgive each other and be friends again. I'm just worried that he is doing this out of guilt and for the kids, that his heart is still with OW. And that he is going through MC just to say that he has done everything he could but still cannot feel that he wants to remain married to me because he cannot find that passion back with me. So back to my original question, how and when will he know if he could or not so I don't have to wait for the rest of my life and move on instead? He always told me not to settle in a relationship, and I don't want him to settle either. If he wants to stay, I want him to be in love with me again, not just that he feels obligated.

TrueLove: I would add that the length of his Affair was long. It may take him awile longer than a few months to show signs of improvment.Is this OW near you? If yes, then he maybe thinking about the past and not gotten over it as quickly as you would hope.
You are the only one who can know by his daily behavior if he is with you in the relationship or merely exsisting. I would say to finish the MC and then give it another 6 months. If you do not see his behavior as you would have hoped for, then have that discussion with him about'settling'. I would hope after this amount of time, that he would have had the opportunity to think about his choices in life and how his future is based on his choices today.
I know that this is very hard and scary for you. It can be very postive for your relationship at the end of this painful ordeal, something good will come out of all this pain. Read the books listed here and pray for your spouse daily. Peace

Thanks for the responses, I hope to continue to get the support so my queries can be answered. I will try to be optimistic about this and there is no magical answers or results, however, OW is still around in the same state, and that's what got me worried. I know I can only watch his actions carefully but it's difficult to tell as sometimes he still goes into withdrawal. I'm pretty sure how deeply in love he was when our marriage was so bad. He was even thinking of divorce before he went into counseling. With this last phase of MC, we were supposed to start our intimacy again but so far he hasn't been able to. I feel so left out and that's why I wonder if he can really reestablish that passion and intimacy with me ever again? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

true love; i am new to this,forum-a's& dealing with all this. i am only 3 months knowing of a i think a 6 or 8 month ww. hope i'm as strong as you. best wishes & stay strong,the book "SAA" has so much good stuff i hope it helps. good luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I was thinking, since H is still going through withdrawal sometimes, should I suggest him to have closure therapy sessions with OW so that he can get it out of his system?

I just found out that H still has contact with OW. He told me that he is going to stop his contact with her and concentrate on our last phase of MC to figure out what he wants to do. He still seems to be very confused even after 3 months of MC. Right now, I just wonder if his emotional bond can really be completely terminated with OW? At what point will he know he wants to stay with me or want a divorce? I don't know what other questions I can ask to get some peace in my mind right now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by True love:
<strong> I was thinking, since H is still going through withdrawal sometimes, should I suggest him to have closure therapy sessions with OW so that he can get it out of his system? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO.

He needs to stay in no-contact with OW. Every time there is contact, the "time clock" of how long it will take to get thru withdrawal pretty much starts over...

<small>[ April 24, 2004, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>

Even if H can get back the intimacy with me, does it mean that he is only trying to compare me with OW and see if I am really the one who can make him happy, not just intimacy but overall? Will he say that he has done everything with me and finds out I am not really the one? Should I expect that to happen?

I'm reading "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass and as much as it's mostly about rebuilding the marriage, I am still afraid that the other way might happen.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by True love:
<strong> Even if H can get back the intimacy with me, does it mean that he is only trying to compare me with OW and see if I am really the one who can make him happy, not just intimacy but overall? Will he say that he has done everything with me and finds out I am not really the one? Should I expect that to happen?

I'm reading "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass and as much as it's mostly about rebuilding the marriage, I am still afraid that the other way might happen. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hello, I am new here but thought I would step in with my two cents worth. I think that the worst thing you can do is to keep trying to guess about what the future will hold. Focus on today, don't try to rush things. Being impatient with the process of healing sometimes interferes more than you know.

Also, he is grieving a loss of a relationship. I know you don't like it but that is wht is happening. I is a process for him. Give him time.

And finally, you mention withdrawing. That might coincide with when he saw the OW but I think that his intimacy issues could be related to depression. When depressed men and women often lose libido. Ironically some antidepressants also decrease libido so if he is depressed and talks to his doctor about medication, I hope he specifically requests one that does not effect libido.