Hello,
I know there is a little off the topic but I was wondering if someone can help me out.<p>My sister called me from CA. She is not doing very good emotionally. I am not sure what to tell her. Her and her boyfriend have been having some problems. <p>She said she packed some of her clothes and left. They have been living together for a year. <p>She thinks some of the things that her boyfriend have been doing are weird.<p>1. He tells her that she can't go anywhere unless he is with her.
She wanted to go CO for sometime away by herself. She made plans to go see our Dad and meet up with a bunch of her girlfriends from College at my Dad's house.<p>When the time came for to go her boyfriend told her she could not go because she should not go without him.<p>She lied and told them she had to work and could not go.<p>2. Her boyfriend made her e-mail her friends and tell them the truth because he said it was not right to lie. But she did not have to tell my Dad.<p>3. When they went to visit my Dad in CO she got up early one day with my Dad to spend a couple of hours alone with him skiing without her boyfriend. He got so mad at her that he lectured her that night.<p>4. He does not want to go anyway where her former boyfriends live or places where they have been.<p>She wanted to go see her friend in another town in CA but because she dated someone there she was not allowed to go since her boyfriend did not want to go and she is not allowed to go anywhere without him.<p>5. My sister wanted to take him to see where she grew up and show him Chicago. He said no because her fromer boyfriend lives around there.<p>6. I am getting my DS baptize and she is the godmother but her boyfriend does not want to come here.<p>7. He won't allow her to go on business trips because that means that they will be apart.<p>
My sister thinks he might be controlling. I would have to agree. I am not that strict with my DH and he had an Affair. My sister does not know that my H had an affair.<p>I think that he sounds very insecure. What do you all think? Any men out here? What do you think?<p>To be honest I think she should leave him or if she wants to stay with him that I would have to tell him he has to change his ways.<p>She asked him why he thinks that they have spend every minute together and he said because it would not be a healthy realtionship if they were apart. She told him that he was controlling but he said no he was not.
<p>I just think he is insecure and controlling.<p>Any thoughts? I want to give her some good advice but I am struggling with my marriage so I am not sure if I am the one tell her anything.<p>By the way, she said the rent to get a one bedroom apartment would be $1600 a month. Outrageous to me. You can buy a nice four bedroom house here for that a month.<p>She said she likes it there but does not know if she could afford the rent by herself. She said she would have to get a studio. My rent is half of that and we have a whole townhouse.<p>Dawn<p>[ March 22, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>

I may be over reacting but this just sends off too many sirens with me. From the ages of 16 to 19 I was in a very abusive (verbal, emotional, mental and physical) relationship. It started out exactly how your sisters boyfriend sounds. He may just be insecure and controlling but even if that is all it is does she want that kind of man? He won't change, is that how she wants to live the rest of her life? Has she tried to reason with him or is she just going along with what he wants? All in all I think she would be smart to get away from him.

signs of abusive personality-
http://www.sylviasplace.com/signs.html
http://www.saferchild.org/warning1.htm

want it back,
Thanks.
I was kind of thinking the samething. I know he has not harmed her but a thought was going through my mind what will he do next. I believe she has talked to him but he just says he is not controlling. I guess he just thinks it is normal behavior. <p>I really did not tell her anything yet. She said she will call me back. My baby was crying so I had to go.<p>To me his behavior does not seem normal. But I have not really met anyone like this. So, I am not sure.<p>aimmee2- thanks for the information.<p>Dawn<p>[ March 22, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>

dawn,
your sister needs to either explain to this guy that his behavior is unexceptable or find another guy. insecure or not, controlling or not she is an adult and this guy is acting like an 8th grade school boy. if he is that demanding now i only see him getting worse as time goes on. <p> man, why do some of you women take that kind of garbage for so long? is it insecurity on your part? i have seen guys treat women that way and can't understand how they can put up with that type of behavior.

i don't get it, sorry for my short fuse,
pops

pops,
You are right. She is insecure and for that matter so am I. I will talk to her and hopes she leaves for good. I don't understand why she thought he might do something to her stuff. I think when she goes get her stuff she should take someone with her just in case. I wish she did not live so far away. She said she won't go back there until her boyfriend's sister leaves on Tuseday. I will just pray everything goes o.k.<p>Dawn

dawn,,,
your sister should most definetly take someone with her. but make sure it is not someone who may seem threatening to the x boyfriend. maybe another girlfriend, someone from her church, or a parent if possible. if trouble arises or he gets verbally abusive she should just leave and then the next time she goes to get her stuff she should take a sheriff with her. hopefully it won't come to that but although he dosn't sound violent he may become irate. <p> goog luck with this delema,
pops

hello,
I talked to my sister yesterday and she told me that her boyfriend called her 10 times and left messages on her cell phone. He was crying and asked her if she would come back so they can talk. I asked her if she thinks he will change and she saids that she doubts it.<p>Her boyfriend thought it was not right to talk to him before she left. She just left him a note that she was leaving and will be back for her stuff when his sister leaves on Tuesday.<p>I told her that it was probably better just to leave a note because all he would have done was try to talk her out of it.<p>I told her not to go back there and talk to him. I told her when she goes back to get her stuff to bring someone with her and she said she would.<p>She said she does not know if she has the strength to leave him. So, I just hope and pray she did not go back there.<p>She said she has a job interview in two weeks in San Diego. So, if the interview goes well, she will probably just move there. <p>Dawn

hello,
My sister e-mailed me and she told me she did end up meeting with her boyfriend in a public place. They talked and went back to my sister's friend apartment to talk some more.<p>She decided that she is going to give it another try, but told him everything and told he had changed. They are going to start couples counselling to see if the relationship is worth safing or not. She said she has never felt in previous relationships that he was the one before and for that she is willing to try and that is why she wanted to live together.<p>If it does not seem to get any better she said she will leave him. <p>He told her that everything he said to her was just a request and his opinion and it was up to her to decide what to do. She told me she does not know if she believes that or not. She said by the way he presented himself, she thought it was a demand.<p>Well, at least they are not married yet.<p>Dawn

"MIGHT" be controlling????? <p>This guy sounds like the poster child for mentally unstable psychotic abusers. Everything you said about this guy and his obsessive and off the wall jealousies scream "RUN" to me.<p>A lot of guys with that kind of MO end up doing terrible things to their "love interests" including killing them. When I was reading your post, I kept thinking of Dorothy Stratton.<p>Scary, scary stuff. A little jealousy is normal and even a little flattering...moderate to heavy jealousy is just plain psychotic and dangerous.<p>Catnip =^^=

Yes, I have to agree that he IS a problem child... so to speak...<p>He sounds like the type of person who would either hurt your sister or threaten to hurt himself if she left him. He sounds like the type of guy who would STALK her. He sounds like the type of guy who wants to be the one to end it on his terms if anybody is going to end it.<p>He knows she depends on him financially so that is his leverage.<p>Too many times your post keeps saying what he will not allow your sister, a grown woman to do or where he will not allow her to go? HUH?<p>It really sounds like she is scared of him. You should probably ask her if he has ever hit her or threatened to hit her? I wouldn't be surprised if he has a violent temper and she is afraid of him. She needs you!!!

hello,
Thanks everyone for the advice. I told my sister what everyone said. I just got e-mail from her that she is breaking up for good. <p>She said in her e-mail that her boyfriend is going to e-mail everyone to tell us his side of the story. I thought that is strange. <p>Dawn

Hello,
Update...
My sister left yesterday and last night her boyfriend send her mean e-mails and threatening her and then her boyfriend kept calling her and then he threaten to end his life. She did not believe him at first but he kept saying it. So, she called his parents and asked them to call him because she was concerned. They did but he did not answer the phone so they called the police and they took him to a mental ward.
Then at 1:00 a.m. they called her and said he was no harm to himself or to her. They wanted her to pick him up. She did.<p>She took him home and he fell asleep right away. She drove him to work this morning and now she is at work.<p>Now, she feels guilty and does not know what to do. <p>Dawn<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>

dawn,,,,, ok so they say he is not a physical threat. that does not mean he is not controling which was the problem that started tis thread. i still feel that your sister should move on with her life. she needs to make a decision whether she can be happy with this guy should he go back to his demanding ways.<p> pops

Dawn,<p>I have to agree w/Pop's. 100%. Tell your sister to get out as fast as she can.<p>Unsure

Dawn,<p>I would agree with the above. That boy you described is a description of me when I was in my late teens early twenties. I was very insecure and agressive. Thank God I finally saw how destructive this type of behavior can be. My advice is get her out of that situation before she is hurt and/or brain washed. In fact you may want to clue her in to this web site. It's time for her to get educated.<p>[ March 30, 2002: Message edited by: xping ]</p>