Its been a long time since I have been able to check the board, due to a policy change at work... and I wanted to drop in and say Hello!!<p>Things are going along well.. We are dealing with exOW and trying to make the best of things until next month.. less than 3 wks until TRIAL!<p>I belong to an MSN community and the title of this topic was a question that was posed to all of us.. and I thought I would share my response with all of you...
~~~~~~~~~~~
When I look in the mirror I see...

Pain, laugh lines
hate and love
and a deep belief
in God above.

A woman
learning new things each day
and fighting
to make her pain
go away.

A future mother
yet a mother just the same
maybe not in blood
but in heart
and in name.

A friend
I have grown to know through the years
through mistakes
through trials, tribulations
and tears.

A woman
who's life is not as she planned
but is leaving
herself in
God's righteous hand<p>
Stacia Lee 3/17/2002
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All of you are continually in my thoughts and prayers.. Even when I am not able to read your posts.<p>Prayers for All!<p>[ March 24, 2002: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</p>

I can't bear to answer this post today, maybe someday soon.<p>I had to comment on your poem and signature though. Lovely and inspiring.<p>I don't know your story (trial?) but my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thank you NB and BTDT<p>Yes... its a difficult thing to actually look at yourself.. I really thought through all that has happened over the last year.. and I feel my little poem speaks volumes... But I think that its something that each of us must do.. LOOK at ourselves... and be totally honest with ourselves.<p>My story is a little different.. yet, so very much the same as many of us on this board.. I will try to bump it up so that you may read it and become aquainted with me and my SAGA.. LOL<p>Its entitled A little background... but its no small saga.

Staci,
I loved your poem. It made me cry. Thank you for sharing it! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
mt
bs-37
wh-43
m19y
2c, 18/14

Staci,<p>It's a great poem. I really liked it and wanted to share mine. It's one I wrote soon after I had my son. There's no special message to anyone in particular (here). It's just how I was feeling at the time. It helps a great deal to put things into words.<p>
I wanted more than you could give me
Offered more than you could take
I dreamt of more than what was possible
Not knowing what was at stake<p>I was more than you gave me credit for
So boundless and full of possibility
You were far, far less than you appeared
Through the fog of lies, I could not see<p>Memories of moments lovely and right
Tainted with knowledge of what really was
The pain of deception etched in my heart
Now gives me reason and moment to pause<p>I trusted and loved you and gave you my heart
Unmeasured, unfettered, and so full of hope
Your kindness was jaded, your love also false
YOU left me to dangle at the end of this rope<p>And, yet, through all this I cannot regret
You gave me purity, bliss and pure innocence
My precious gift; my guiding light
He is my joy, my love, from this moment hence<p>Our mark has been left on the threads of life
It binds us and links us, not to be denied
You are my merciless torturer, my demon
I rage at the injustice; I know that you lied<p>I bared myself to you and left nothing hidden
I did not know you were full of unspoken truth
The whispers of your touch clouded reality
The pain of betrayal caused me to question my worth<p>I stepped back and withdrew what I naively gave
I watched as you loved her and kept her at your side
I do not envy her as her troubles are true
She lives the betrayal; she, too, knows you lied<p>You robbed me of time; so undeserved; so wasted
Yet left me with this precious gift; such perfection
He is my heart, my soul, my eternal bliss
My heart is pried open by his innocent admiration<p>One day you shall know the pain that you wrought
For the man you were, your son will know shame
The legacy you leave him is cast of dishonor
I pray he can forgive and know he carries no blame<p>OB1

The poems and prose here tonight are wrought with depth and emotion that humble me for I am in a much different place. If I told you what I see when I look in the mirror these days, I would be tempted to be glib and say something stupid like "one great looking babe". But, the truth of it is, I see a woman wise beyond her years that has paid her dues milleniums in advance of the due date, banking the experiences, good and bad, that comes from surviving the pain. My account is definitely in the black.<p>I see changes. Changes never anticipated. Unwelcomed changes, yet in some ways, curiously positive.<p>Since day one, I have been in absolute awe of my strength. Actually bowled over by it. I didn't know it was in me. I knew I was a strong person, but I had no idea of how strong I really was until tested. <p>Looking back, I remember being in church alone on a weekday morning, crying and begging God for solace, crumpled at the altar on the cold stone floor, begging and pleading for Him to heal my marriage. I cried out and heard my echoes and was momentarily removed from myself thinking, "Was that me crying out like that"? For just a moment I stood back and saw myself completely humbled in God's presence asking for relief from my profound grief.<p>I left church that day...no one saw me or heard me. I was completely alone, literally. In fact, looking back to that day, I remember noticing for a moment no one was even on the streets. There were no cars, there were no walkers, no birds, cats or squirrels. It was if the planet and everyone on it was deferring to me for just that moment to allow me to grieve my losses and acknowledged the changes in my life and to seek His healing. What a strange, strange day that was. That was in November or December of 1998.<p>Today is March 25th, 2002 and it is Bipolar's birthday, and oh what a difference there is in me...and in him.<p>Today, for some strange reason that has brought me to this place, in spite of my nagging doubts and fears that I have discussed here, I have also come to a place of paradox where on the other hand, I have never been more confident nor have I been more at peace...even though I struggle with decisions. I finally have all that I prayed for that day three years and three months ago in that church on a weekday morning, if I want it. Now I must decide if I do want it.<p>I look in the mirror and I am looking better than I have in ten years, I am feeling better than I have in ten years, I laugh more these past few months than I have in three years and I have a new compassion and empathy for everyone. I find I am exceedingly more tolerant than ever before. Old prejudices have fallen away from me and have become insignificant in the big scheme of things. Boundaries are better defined for me and I am adamant about what I will and will not accept from everyone...not just with Bipolar but, with everyone and everything.<p>Bipolar accepts me and respects me like never before. He never ever says anything remotely disrespectful or hurtful to me anymore, not even if he drinks. He loves me on a much deeper level than ever before. I work very hard at being fair and not abusing this new power I have and find I have a lot of empathy for his pain.<p>The grace God has given me is something I do not take for granted and the decisions I face are just decisions. I know with prayer and openess, I can make the right decision if I stay focused and open to God's will for me, for us.<p>Bipolar's willinginess to do whatever it takes to make things right is testimony to his desire to stay with me and his love for me. This is something that doesn't come until each of us has gone through the process of recovery and healing. While this is a never ending process for the rest of our lives, we have the worst behind us and a future to look forward to, if this is the route we will be taking.<p>I complain about the "edge" I have acquired, but to be very honest with you, I have grown very fond of it as of late. It gives me a power I didn't have before. It helps me define the boundaries, it keeps people from walking on me and that alone is worth everything because I can hardly expect anyone to respect me if I do not respect myself.<p>Catnip =^^=

OB1,
your poem is awe inspiring. Thank you for sharing.<p>Catnip,
your post really gives me a new sense of hope.
I pray that one day, through all this pain and hurt, I can be in a place where I feel better and more confident.
I know that the only way to get there is through faith and trust in God. He has already given me more strength than I ever knew possible. Without Him, I would not have been able to make it this far, let alone "Look in the mirror."<p>
Thank you all...

had to run and look in the mirror....<p>when I looked in the mirror..past the hair thats turning gray..past the new fine lines that frame my tired looking eyes...I caught a brief glimpse of the girl I used to be..the girl that believed in happy endings, fairy tales and knights in shining armor. I saw the girl that was quick to laugh and share a smile with a passing stranger..the girl in awe of the wonderful bright happy world she lived in..<p>I really miss her...<p>( I also noticed that I really need to brush my hair)<p>Peace!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by DocsGirl:
[QB]I caught a brief glimpse of the girl I used to be..<p>I really miss her...
QB]<hr></blockquote><p>She's still there, DG. You will see in time she is still there.<p>I really missed the old Catnip for a time. Two plus years, in fact. I bemoaned the change with rage and resentment and dare I say it? Bitterenss? (hahaha)<p>I found recently the old 'me' might be gone forever yet has been replaced with a 'new' old me. Somehow the important things have been retained and the new attributes (that have uncomfortably barged into my persona, unwelcomed) thought of as 'negatives' at first, were in fact unexpected enhancements I needed to get acquainted with.
Now that I have lived in this new skin for around three years, I find I kind of like this edgy personality because I still know when to feel soft and vulnerable, show emotion and give and receive love. I just choose the recipient wisely and don't waste the good stuff on those unworthy of the gifts. I guess I have become 'selective'. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Stacia...I want you to know that what you are doing is so completely awe inspiring, I am humbled by your attitude. I am always humbled by those who are capable of doing things that I have no talent or inclination to do. <p>I went onto your website last night and looked at all your pictures and was deeply moved by that sweet little face and began wondering about our situation...I have to say this is somewhere I cannot go myself and never will because I am basically selfish and rigid and have my staunch black and white POV on this topic. There are a few of you here who, to me, are doing the impossible and for that, I bow to your huge hearts with respect and admiration.<p>How could you not look in the mirror and see the incredible beauty there? Look beyond the glass, Stacia.<p>Catnip =^^=