Hello. Some of you are kind enough to follow my story, offer advice and prayers. Thank you. <p>My H attempted suicide last night with pills. Bottomline is that he is OK physically but there isn't much that the ER did for him. I had discovered more holes/lies in his story, quite by accident. It had come after a hard day together. I was sobbing in the car as we drove. Then there was some suspicious behavior with the cell phone, yet another "violation" in our recovery plan. Then the new information (actually new questions as I still don't have a straight answer) hit.<p>I left him with the girls with the statement that I was going to leave him as I had had enough. He had had enough chances, I had two children to look after and one in utero and I couldn't live like this, etc.<p>Then, he called me in the car...<p>He has no recognition that he endangered the girls. I said later after we were back at the hotel (we are in-between houses right now) "Do you realize that the girls were here?"<p>"But you weren't." was his reply.<p>I knew he was saying that he couldn't live without me, prior to this etc. but I guess I never believed it. I couldn't see how anyone could hurt me so deeply, be so intent on destroying me that he could need me so much. He has thrown me away so many times I can't even count them all, even after saying these things.<p>What to do now? Despite his requests to let him in on my feelings and anger I cannot risk it. He cannot handle my calm words, never mind my anger which he did get some of yesterday.<p>I will consider myself a single parent, while including him, of course, I cannot rely on him for a break from my mommy duties.<p>I must commit to staying for now even though my needs are being almost completly ignored. <p>I have an appointment in 2 weeks with Dr. Harley and H has an apptmnt this week with a new in-person therapist. I will have to reach out to family and friends although I couldn't today as my family was celebrating my little niece's baptism back in the Midwest and I was with him all day.<p>How am I going to do this? I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I know no one in this state
or this part of the country. I have a week of childcare, taking care of details, closing and moving into our new house, selling our old house, etc.<p>I think were I not pregnant and so busy and alone with these two tiny, active children I could Plan A/ do Recovery or whatever you call it is that I am doing.<p>I love him and I know how much my children need him. Where do I find the strength, my friends? I went to church today but the the baby was wild so I focused on her a lot. I will continue to pray and thank God for it turning out as well as it did.

Wow, they let you take him home? As I understand it there is some general practice of a 72 hour hold in situations of attempted suicide.<p>I think for now your big focus should be getting him evaluated for some hospitalization. This does not require insurance. My [censored] has been in and out of the county hospital and we weren't charged a dime.<p>And, yes, do not leave him in charge of the kids. [censored] only has supervised visits now, part of this because of what he has talked about to the kids 8 & 4 about his plans to off himself.<p>The best way I have found to deal with this issue is a bit of humor. Reallly, it may seem morbid, but whenever he makes a threat to end the pain, I remember that he is just too mean to die. There is no way I could get that lucky.<p>Where are you now? As an old Navy wife I have friends spread all over and would love to set you up with someone to at least have a cup of coffee with you.<p>I wish I could be of more help. <p>Elizabeth<p>[ March 24, 2002: Message edited by: justthewife ]</p>

Hello,
I am sorry I really don't have any advice. I am surprise they let him go though. <p>Where do you live? You are in my thoughts and prays. I know what you mean about church my H was sick today I took all three kids to church by myself. Sometimes I do not know why I go I really don't get much out of it with three little ones.<p>Dawn

I am currently in New Jersey.<p>H lied to ER about the amount he took, his intent, etc. They wouldn't let me see him until they released him and were condescending as could be. They had no interest in helping him.<p>His main focus is his embarrassment as I called his mother and sister to try to talk him into going to the ER voluntarily with me so that I didn't need to call 911. <p>He doesn't care about anyone but himself.
The magnitude of his self-centeredness right now is astounding. He kept saying "Why are you doing this to me?" and "You are trying to get me committed." I was actually trying to make it easier on him as I knew that a 911 call would ensure at least an overnight. His main worry besides the embarrassment is his job. He is worried about losing this new job. Me and the kids, we are just here for him, I guess.<p>I don't know what to do. I need support somewhere. I just don't know if I can make it through another pregnancy under such stress. I feel as though the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

nursebetty,
I really don't know what to say. You are in a terrible situation. I will be praying for you. When is the baby due?<p>Dawn

I don't know for sure but I think August. Due date is a little fuzzy.

I have friends in NJ and also a cousin in NYC. <p>They should have treated you better, and gotten your take on things.<p>Email me and if you're anywhere near my friend Bobbi I'll set you guys up. She is so awesome. She works at a program for troubled youth, and is one of the coolest people I know. <p>Elizabeth

REALLY HORRIBLE DAY.<p>I cannot even tell you the stress that I am under. Tonight, finally back at the hotel, my oldest daughter was out of control. I handled it terribly. The people downstairs called the front desk to complain as she was screaming, crying, flailing around and jumping up and down on the floor. It was a hideous scene. My words do not do justice to it. We do not believe in physical punishment but I almost completely lost it with her.<p>My H was understanding but I guess it felt like he was being condescending. I don't know if that is fair but that is how I felt. He seems to completely ignore all of the stress that he has put on this family, the trauma that has been caused. It is an isolated incident to him caused by my failure. I am failing my children but my God, the stress I endured in one day let alone the last six months, never mind 6 years. And he has me to step in all of the times when he starts to lose it over really minor things after being with them 5 minutes. I am a 24-hour full-time parent. With very little sleep and no breaks. I am running out of patience.<p>I am failing my children. I have high standards for mothering and I am failing them all.<p>My identity as a mother is in question also. Others used to look up to my mothering. Strangers have stopped me to tell me how amazed they are at how I talk to and deal with my children. Even when my children were being disruptive and I feared how we were inconvenincing others, I would receive comments on how well I am handling the situation, with respect for the child.<p>I am losing it and the stress and the inability to get this out of my system is killing me and destroying my children's fragile childhoods. I am losing myself and all I hold dear and destroying those I love. What is wrong with me? What do I do now?

OK. I am done feeling sorry for myself. I realize that I am the only one I can count on and I frankly, I don't want to be with me like this! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I am going to focus on the positives in my life. <p>If anyone is still paying attention, thank you.<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: nursebetty ]</p>

Dear nursebetty,
I'm sorry that you feel like you are failing your kids, but I don't think you are, really. Failure is NOT final. Keep your attitude of excellence and trust God to make up for where you lack. That is the covenant we have, you know? When we are at our weakest point, HE is strongest. So, basically, weakness on our part, is a GOOD thing! Our weakness allows God to show Himself strong on our behalf. His strength is perfected, or "completed" in our weakened state. You're gonna make it!!!!! Don't give up on yourself.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by BINthereDUNthat:
Keep your attitude of excellence and trust God to make up for where you lack. That is the covenant we have, you know? When we are at our weakest point, HE is strongest. So, basically, weakness on our part, is a GOOD thing! Our weakness allows God to show Himself strong on our behalf. His strength is perfected, or "completed" in our weakened state. You're gonna make it!!!!! Don't give up on yourself.[/QB]<hr></blockquote><p>thank you for those words. I need to turn to God, not just daily, but maybe hourly, minute-by-minute to help me.

\0/ Praying for you and your family! \0/

Dear Nurse Betty<p>For the last ten minutes or so I have been trying to put myself in your place to determine how I would handle all this but I don't think I am clear on your living situation or how long you are going to be living in a hotel room. Without more information, I can't really advise, but my first reaction is to assure you that you are not to blame any way, shape or form in this impossible situation. You have not failed anyone. You and your daughters have been failed. By your husband. He failed you and the reason for this huge meltdown is because of him and what he has done and continues to do.<p>NB, your husband is completely responsible for this situation. He is the reason why the kids are acting out. They feel your stress, they feel something is wrong in the marriage and that something is up. And all the things that are happening are a result of what your husband did. This is just the domino effect, the natural consequences from his behavior and there is nothing you can do short of packing up the kids and heading to Mom's for some relief.<p>Waywards can't face what they have done and will dismiss it and dismiss the feelings of the person they have hurt the most and will continue to hurt this person with their supreme selfishness until they face the realization of what they have done. He probably knows he is not worthy of you right now and will purposely try to drive you away because he knows deep down the damage he has caused. So, in an attempt to redeem himself in his own eyes, he transfers the blame onto you, the Betrayed. <p>Plan A works but usually not until around six months have passed and the time lines are predictable. It really does take six months for the Wayward to start to come out of the fog...it's almost mystical how this kind of automatically happens in most cases.<p>I am praying real hard for you and your daughters...especially for your husband's moment of clarity from God... and that God will bring you some relief, comfort, protection and guidance. God bless all of you. <p>Love<p>catnip =^^=

trying4 - prayers always welcome! Thank you!<p>catnip -<p>Thank you for your warm words and sage advice as well as your prayers. After 72 hours of constant phone calls (sometimes on cell and landline), the most complicated and screwed up closing in the history of real estate is finally done (except all of the backup paperwork that our ridiculous mortgage company either forgot or screwed up) and I have keys. Tomorrow I will have electricity and a phone but no gas until Monday so we will be sleeping at the hotel until then. Our things arrive Saturday. Finally my family may have a shot at a new routine!<p>To add to the stress, my three-year-old ran away from me yesterday and hid. We actually had to form a search party. Luckily, we found her within five minutes. She was over this a year ago but sadly, so many new and old behaviors have started or resurfaced. I cried and this made her feel terrible. She is getting really aggressive and destructive. My H got really angry with her tonight as she was hurting him. I don't blame him, I've been getting angry with it too. It is just that she saw him being aggressive with me and it affected her profoundly.<p>Plus, she comes at you non-stop so in order to restrain her and get her away from you or the baby you have to show real force. She interprets this as you trying to hurt her. I pray that with God's help I can be patient and gentle all of the time and with the new routine she can settle in to her old self, high energy but rarely aggressive.<p>My H & I have had some really good moments (you and me against the world moments) these past few days. Still, images and questions and memories haunt me. Then, tonight there was an issue about his cell phone. I think it was innocent but it dredged up all sorts of feelings and emotions. <p>Plus, my mom needs surgery and I really wanted to go back to the midwest to help her out and I don't know if I dare leave him, suicide concerns first and foremost and then, of course, infidelity issues.<p>Why do I have to be a prisoner and have my freedom restricted because of him and his mistakes and problems? Maybe that sounds selfish but I've had to pass up a lot of time with my family and friends because of him. The last time I went out of town with girls he used that as his excuse for infidelity as he supposedly convinced himself that I was going to see an old boyfriend (I haven't spoken to the guy in 10 years and don't have a clue where he lives).<p>I guess I am babbling but I just feel that I am on such a roller coaster. We have good and then it seems to go back to square one. I feel trapped and alone but less alone with all of you!
thanks!

Hi nursebetty,
You know? Your daughter sounds a lot like mine was--overly emotional when she was small and I couldn't effectively gauge her moodswings. When she turned 4, we had her checked by an endocrinologist. Turns out her level of estrogen is WAY too high for her age. Keep an eye on your daughter and see if maybe she might benefit from a visit with a hormone specialist?

And another thing, if you really believe you need to see your mom, do it. We only get one mom. You are not going to prevent your H from cheating or suicide regardless. <p>If he cheats again after realizing what it has done to you and your relationship, it is considered an act of blatant violence toward you. (According to Dr.Phil) <p>But should you really let your H's choices affect yours to the point of not living your life and feeling like you're in jail? I mean, let's say that you choose not to go see your mom and she dies, AND your H cheats again or commits suicide anyway. I'm sorry, I know this sounds awful, but just imagine how you would be kicking yourself for not visiting your mom because of trying to prevent your H from whatever he has his own mind made up to do anyway! <p>My father committed suicide when I was 15 and it took me the longest time to realize it was NOT my fault and there was NOTHING I could have done to prevent it. HE made that decision. He wanted to take his own life. Period. He has a free will and his mind was made up. Suicide is such a selfish act... but still, I felt responsible cuz I wasn't in communication with him at that time.<p>I pray that your H doesn't do any of those things, but if seeing your mom is REALLY a priority, then go for the POJA with your husband. Let him know how serious your mom's condition is. I think it's totally unfair for him to blame his lack of control of himself on YOUR traveling. That's neither true nor fair of him. <p>Maybe just wait and see what Dr.Harley advises you to do, but this is just my take on your hesitation to visit your mom. If it weren't for your mom, your H wouldn't have YOU or your kids!!!

To nursebetty:<p>Yikes, I never thought that I would speak out for someone who is WS.. <p>Atleast, unless I am terribly wrong here, that is what your husband is right? =}<p>I think I read some of your prior posts, and am now quiet alarmed at what I am reading here about his suicide attempt.<p>I can, but from the other side of the line, say something about this, since I managed to fall down a very long mental staircase and ended up doing some strange crazy things to myself..<p>First off, ER's, all they want to do with suicide attempt people is to toss them out as quickly as possible, trust me on this. I was tossed out within 4 hours of "counselling" in a major hospital. <p>Secondly, I can now say that, if your husband managed to go this far, he is NOT himself anymore. And, he is NOT in control of himself, he does NOT understand 100% what is going on, so please be carefull...<p>I tried to comitt suicide because of different reasons than your husbands, but let me try and explain how it felt...atleast to me, and to alot of people I have talked to in the same situation regardless of what pushed them into the corner..<p>I have been in military service for 5 years, and I have seen live action etc, I always thought of myself as a person who was strong willed, and could take pressure, but after what happened to me, my body just went "strange" prior to me wanting to comitt suicide.<p>When I started getting to that "point" it didn't feel like me anymore, it was like watching a it all from a 3rd person perspective really. I could go through a day just fine, but something in my what I would like to call primal brain, just kept managing taking charge all of a sudden. Whenever I acted badly, or tried something, it really wasn't my personallity that did it, but it was something more primal taking over and doing things..<p>Meanwhile, whilst I was acting wierd, doing stuff, I was watching it, from a distance.. its a really funnie feeling to try and explain!<p>And, also, no medications helped me in this stage, counsellours just made me enraged.. <p>I like to write about this since I been there, and seen it, and wish there was more that doctors would do than to give you a drug or something, there is more going on than any drug can "fix".<p>Its your brain revolting against you, thats the best term I can come up with! I felt like this scorpion I saw once, caught in a fire, and it tried to sting itself to death rather than try to run..<p>I think it has to do with, when your person is faced with too many problems, and too many emotions, it overloads, and can't function right, and something primordial kicks in as a last resort mechanism that we have no control over... <p>Like, either finish it, or die.. because if you continue, you will be no good to anyone..<p>
Makes sense? I hope so.. =}<p>The only advice I can give, after giving this picture of someones mind when they do crazy stuff, is, please be there for support, no matter what, even if he is the cause of everything, you are probarly the only thing that is the light in his mind, even if it is distorted.<p>Be carefull, watch moods, dont say anything personal to him if he switches, and just be calm, its all you can do..<p>I WISH some shrink could have told me this when I was going through it all myself.. probarly doesn't make much sense unless you been through it!<p>/Mik<p>PS. And forget about the ER, and most counselling, its no USE! It is something a person has to deal with him/her self.. nobody else can help! I wish more people could understand that.. If he gets violent, and does something, call the cops first, the ambulance second.. Its about anger..

Hi ~<p>I haven't chatted w/ you in awhile, been crawling in the dark looking for my own answers. It really sounds like you need to move to highly modified Plan B, with absolutly no contact. Get your children and go. You are endagering your self and your children, you need to exercise your parental duties and remove your children from harms way, aka your WH. <p>Anyone who would purposely hurt themselves should not be trusted w/ children, and your unborn is going to suffer as well w/ the amount of stress your enduring, there really is no way to try and fix something that is shattered, the pieces are too small. <p>He needs to get some professional help, which may require him being admited to a facility that is equiped to handle people in his position. I will be searching the net for some type of solution to that problem, in hopes that we can find so way to deal w/ this.<p>I really hope you can find the strenght to get out of there, let him fix himself and then, and maybe, just maybe you can start trying to repair/reconcile the other things. It really sounds like he knows just how to push your buttons and his constant threats of suicide are just an excuse to have you feel guilty. Your WH has a problem and needs help on a level you are not able to give to him by no fault of your own. <p>You do not deserve to be treated this way, you have gone the extra mile by showing him you are willing to look past his mistakes and love him, if he is so blind that he can not see that, you really need get yourself into a place of security and peacefulness, and this is not just about having your ENs met, its about your safty and the safety of your children.<p>Take care, will chat w/ you soon!

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR FOLLOWING MY STORY AND COMMENTING AND PRAYING EVEN WHEN I WASN'T ONLINE.<p>
I will be more specific soon but I just got the computer set-up temporarily in the new house. I am on my knees typing with girls crawling all over me and no light so I can't type much now.<p>Thank you all though. I am still undecided but I have reiterated to my H that I do not feel comfortable with him alone with the girls. He is, of course, included in family things. <p>H went looking for help on Saturday at two different ERs to no avail. His therapist (2nd visit last week) focused on the dynamics of our relationship. No one is taking his true condition into consideration or seriously. I spoke with him briefly tonight regarding the situation. I will re-address our Recovery Plan officially in the next few days. He isn't following any of it and he needs to be under the care of a good psychiatrist. <p>I am taking it one day at a time and trying to find support. While I do not trust him alone with girls in case he tries to commit suicide again, I do not fear violence towards them or me. He really is managing his anger well. He just isn't handling anything else.<p>BTW - for that last bit of sick humor, the former owners were very fraudulent and we now have many repairs to be done to this house that we didn't anticipate. It will cost more to litigate than to fix so they get away with it! Plus, I had a cancer scare! Lump in my breast but now it is magically gone. Either it was the old here today, gone in a week lump that we all get, or God answered my prayers!<p>Thanks for thinking of me. I hope to address some specific issues raised by individuals tomorrow. Girls call now!

nursebetty,
I'm so glad to hear about that lump disappearing. If you don't have peace about leaving your kids, then just wait until you do. I'm sure your mom will understand. My prayers are with you! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]