I have been married for 18 years and have 3 children. I love my husband very
>much, but we have grown apart since the birth of our third child (4 years
>old). With work (we both work full time), homework, housework, etc., we have
>drifted apart. We had a great sex life, until the birth of my 3rd child, I
>gained weight and felt undesirable and my interest dwindled. Physical
>attraction was always important to him. He felt that I had sex with him,
>just to satisfy his needs, and not because I wanted him. He became friends
>with a woman at work and they "talked" a lot. ( She is divorced with 2
>children) One night I was out of town and she invited him over. She made him
>feel wanted. One thing led to another and they ended up being intimate.
>They were together several times before he decided to end it. He just
>couldn't handle it any more. He confessed the whole thing to me and showed
>deep remorse. I know in my heart it will never happen again. This affair is
>killing him inside. He told me he would leave me and give me everything if I
>wanted him to. I feel that part of the affair was my fault, since I drifted
>from him. He assured me that it was his fault and should have talked to me
>before anything happened.
> A few weeks ago she called him to tell him that she is pregnant with
>his child. He was devastated. We were on our way to getting past the
>affair. She says she is sorry, wants nothing from him, but thought he should
>know. She assures him that it is his and that she wasn't with anyone else.
>He believes her, but she did agree to a paternity test. He asked her to
>please give the child up for adoption, but she refuses.
> Neither of us want her to have an abortion.
> He hasn't talked to her again, but she E-mailed him, on what she
>thought was his private e-mail address, a few days ago and guess what!!! She
>says it's twins.
>If one wasn't bad enough, now there are two. He wants to ignore her, since
>she won't give them up for adoption.
> We don't know what to do. He has a great job and works in the same
>building with her and sees her in the hall at least once a week. It is
>killing him. He feels trapped. This woman pursued him, called often at work, &
> begged him to meet her.
>He finally gave in to the temptation, and didn't mean for it to go as far as
>it did. I believe him and don't feel that it would have happened if she would
>have left him alone. My husband has been approached many times by women, but
>was always able to tell them no. Part of "us" feels that she should have
>told him that she wasn't on the pill, and therefore it is her fault. Yes, we
>know he should have used a condom, but if he'd known that she wasn't on the
>pill, he never would have been intimate with her or at least would have used
>a condom.
> Since she wants nothing from him (or so she says), should we go own
>with our lives and pretend it never happened. Part of "us" feels that it
>would be an injustice to the children, that our kids should know they have
>siblings, and the children should know their father. Part of me wants to know his children and would "possibly" be willing to help raise them. Would that be a mistake? We live in a small town
>and if it got out, it would be scandalous. He would probably lose his job.
>It would kill our families.
> She now knows that he told me. I sent her an email stating my forgiveness and asked her not to see or speak to him again.
He does not love her, and was only
>fulfilling a physical need.
> I have forgiven them both, but would rather that no one knew about it.
> I can handle the past affair, I just don't know if I can handle everyone
>knowing what he did to me. Also, if I demanded a paternity test, would he be
>forced to give her child support? I would rather raise the children myself
>than to give her anything. Could we get custody of the kids, if she tried to
>get child support from him? Is there any way to protect my family and our
>finances. Does anyone have any advice? Please
>help us, we have no one to talk to about this.
>
>Devastated but forgiving wife
>
>
>

{{{{ hugs}}}}
BB...while I dont have any wise or profound advice to give you. I just wanted you to know that you arent alone. There are many wise and strong women here that can better advise you.<p>BTW... wearing a condom doesn't always prevent a pregnancy as I have learned [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Peace!

butterfly -<p>I really feel for you. I kept asking my husband what he would have done if he got OW pregnant. Of course, there isn't much of an answer when I ask.<p>If you read the MB principle closely you may find more guidance. It is wonderful that you recognize that while you weren't responsible for his infidelity (only he made those decisions), you recognize that you were partially responsible for the state of the marriage at the time.<p>I don't think you have a chance of taking those children from their mother. What grounds do you have? There are a great deal of people on this board who are unfortunately dealing with the same situation you are. Some choose no contact, no support. Some choose (or have it chosen for them) some contact, full support. These are very difficult questions and only you and your husband can make these decisions.<p>This is his mistake and he needs to own up to the responsibility, but unfortunately so do you because you love him. Condom or no, pill or not, whatever she said or didn't say, if you have sex with someone you risk a pregnancy, period.<p>You and your husband may need to move away and him at least getting another job is a prudent move. Healing for both of you will be too difficult, in most people's opinion on this board if he has continued contact, even if it is only 1x per week.<p>I really feel for your situation. I will pray for you and for strength.

Butterfly,<p>I'm very sorry for your unfortunate situation. You seem to have your emotions under check, and appear to be a sensible and loving compassionate woman. Very admirable, to say the least under these stressful circumstances. <p>IMVHO, you and your H should NOT let this languish in a legal sense. Altho the XOW says she does not want anything right now, you NEVER know in the future.<p>I STRONGLY suggest you seek the advice of an attorney ASAP regarding your legal rights in your State. It is well worth the money spent to be informed as opposed to being blind-sided by legalities later on.<p>Please take my advice seriously. Unfortuntely, I know from where I speak, please see my signature line.<p>God Bless,
Jo<p>[ March 27, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Thanks for everyones advice.<p>I have another question. I would like to hear from OW whos children have and have not had contact with the father and/or his family. Was it better for the children to know or not know their father. The OW in my case has 2 kids around 12 and 15 years old and is divorced from abusive husband.<p>What I didn't mention before is that my 15 year old is disabled and confined to a wheelchair. He takes up a lot of my time and energy. My 11 year old has ADD and needs a lot of help with her school work. And then there is my very active 4 year old. I also work fulltime. With care for them and work, we had very little time left for us. We make the time now. <p>Would it be better or worse for my children to know or know about their siblings with OW. She is expecting twins. We have not heard from her since I e-mailed her asking her to leave my husband alone. <p>Part of me wants her to "go away and never hear from her or her kids". It's not fair to me or my kids to have to deal with all of the heartache, shame and embarassment.<p>Another part of me feels that it isn't fair to her kids. That they should know their father.<p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Dont know if this helps but my daughter, sees her father and his wife, we have worked long and hard, he loves his daughter, in fact today we had pictures done for easter and his wife picked out her dress and hat. It isnt always easy and we all struggle, but we try with all our might to be friendly to each other in front of my daughter, we want her to have a healthy life. His children are grown, so it is a little different, some have had a hard time with it, but his daughter, has found love in her heart for my daughter and treats us with great respect. My husband loves her with all his heart and she thinks of him as dad, but now she has two dads. Like I said there are good days and bad days, but I think in the end it will be a plus. probably not much help, but i do know how difficult all this can be and very emotional, my husband and I struggle with it daily.