Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
Hello all, <p>I have finally decided, with all of your help, that I am not going to push finding out about OC.<p>How did I come to that descision? <p>Someone wrote this a week or so ago and I felt like I had been hit upside the head. "No, I am not standing in the way of OC having a father because you see, OC's mom took care of that by getting pregnant by a married man who alrady had a family. She is the one who stood i the way of giving that child a 'proper' life. I have nothing to feel guilty for."<p>After I read that, I felt like I was given permission to let it go. *I* am not the one who needs to take care of this (possible) OC. *I* need to take care of my children, mine and my husband's.<p>I have read so many of your stories and I thank you for sharing them. I don't want to take that extra step right now of paying cs or visitation. I'm going to let that go and it's in God's hands. If God really wants that child to be a part of our life, I'm sure that it'll happen sooner or later.<p>For now, my marriage is better than it has ever been. I want to keep working on this marriage and having nothing standing in our way. I want to be a strong, united couple if there comes a time when this will surface. I will be able to handle it better, I think.<p>I also have questions about the paternity. She slept with 3 people around this time. (her friend told me that) The dates are messed up and don't coincide. So, if *she* want's to find out, *she* can fork up the money to find out. I'm not gonna pay over $600 to help her find out who the sperm donor really is!<p>So, that's my descision. I had to make one because as I found myself being happy, I would sabatoge that and start thinking about the OC and what I was going to do. Then I would become depressed and distant. Not conducive to rebuilding our marriage. Well, he doesn't want to have anything to do with ow/oc and she doesn't want anything to do with my husband. We will let sleeping dogs lie. <p>The ironic thing is that one of my initial reactions was that I needed to know and if the baby was his, then I was gone! Amazing what a few months and a better marriage can do!<p>tinlizzy

Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Jun 2001
Posts: 621
Tinlizzy,<p>WTG!! I know it's hard to have the unknown. But I think you made a great decsion.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> For now, my marriage is better than it has ever been. I want to keep working on this marriage and having nothing standing in our way. I want to be a strong, united couple if there comes a time when this will surface. I will be able to handle it better, I think.<hr></blockquote><p>I agree 100% it's so much easier without outside interferance. (sp?)<p>
"I also have questions about the paternity. She slept with 3 people around this time. (her friend told me that) The dates are messed up and don't coincide. So, if *she* want's to find out, *she* can fork up the money to find out. I'm not gonna pay over $600 to help her find out who the sperm donor really is!"<p>I agree 100% again we paid $400 which was a bargin compared to what a lot of websites were charging. I found out if I wasn't so eager to find out H would have only paid $144 through the courts!!!!! Let her be the one to find out who the sprem donor is.<p>
You said I was a strong woman but you are too! I'm proud of you and the way you are handling this. Good luck!<p>Tee

Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,303
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: May 2001
Posts: 3,303
[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Yeah, I was the one who said that to catnip recently on her CATastrophy thread. I just don't think betrayed spouses need feel overly responsible for their wayward spouses' irresponsibility--meaning OC's! <p>I know it's different for WS's who have chosen to raise their OC's together with their mates--that's a totally different situation... I can't even speak to that. Those couples are amazing and have all my respect and support and admiration and prayers. <p>I'm talking about that motherly guilt that tends to paralyze us into doing nothing much but worrying all the time. Are we doing the right thing? What about this? What about that? What if this and what if that? You know???? It's such a negative emotion (FEAR) when we could be channeling that energy into prayer or something else constructive (FAITH), or like you said--loving your own family with all your strength--and at the same time, trusting God to take care of this person that HE allowed to be born. All life comes from God. God takes care of His own.<p>"The thief comes not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (John 10:10)

Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2001
Posts: 253
Tee, thanks for the compliment. Sometimes I feel really strong and other times I feel like I'm just avoiding things. I feel ok with that now. Like I said, if God wants that child to be a part of our lives, it'll happen whether I'm ready or not. Again, thanks for the encouragement. That really means alot to me.<p>BTDT, I thought that it was you, but I wasn't sure! I can't tell you what those words did for me. I kept looking at the situation and feeling so responsible. I was feeling responsible for every bad feeling that the oc might ever have because of his dad. Then I realized that I needed to think about *my* kids! Duh! OC has a mom that's going to take care of him just fine. I was just taking on way too much guilt about this child that I didn't want here, I didn't create and I realized that I don't have to do that!
Whew....what a relief. I am now letting go of all fear and all guilt.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 905 guests, and 53 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5