I haven't posted for quite a while...but I'm back with questions for spouses that are trying to incorporate oc into their lives.
This may sound ridiculous, but I'm tired of my husband being lucky because I chose to stay in our marriage and support him in a nightmare.
I don't want him to feel lucky because I'm this great compassionate loving wife that threw herself on the sword for his benefit.
I don't even want him to love me any harder because of what I've done.
I want him to feel blessed that God forgives sins and forgets them as well. I want him to feel blessed that he has a wife that knows God has forgiven her of her sins and forgetten hers also. I'm tired of feeling like theres some score to keep on who has 'out-graced' whom. I don't want him to feel like he owes me something....just love and respect, the same as when we said I do over 13 years ago.
SO....how can I do this while accepting this child in our lives?
Any suggestions? I almost feel like I have to approach this as though this is his child from a previous relationship, as opposed to the 'sho-nuf' truth.
thoughts...

Matthew...<p>I am probably the LAST person that should respond to this thread because I am adamantly opposed to contact for me/us because I cannot look at the OC as a child from a previous relationship. I see it for what it is...a symbol of the violation of trust and love and vows.<p>Regardless what side of the fence you are on with regards to the contact/no contact issue, the OC is just what it is...a product of a breakdown of the marriage, most of the time, unbeknowst to the Betrayed Spouse.<p>After raising two children from my husband's previous marriage, I absolutely cannot look at this child in parallels to my two step children. They were born before I ever knew my husband and were welcomed into my home with joy and excitement. I know I could or would never feel that way about the OC. It is not the same, it will never be the same, but it is not to say that this OC cannot bring both you and the child to a higher plane of understanding and love that can, in years from now, be something wonderous and fulfilling. Maybe even surpassing the ordinary.<p>As far as the Waywards' "being lucky", I agree completely with your desire to want it to be more than keeping score. All any of us want is for things to be as they were before this happened. Since we have to live with the raw feelings of what really happened to us, it's nearly impossible to rise above the feeling that something is indeed "owed" for our wretched heartache. <p>The truth is, the Waywards ARE lucky. They are lucky that we are even in their lives after all they have done. They are lucky we have agreed to continue with them and to have had most of us work far, far harder at recovery than they have in most cases. They have put what they have done behind them and are moving forward...we cannot. We are left with the fallout of the pain of betrayal, the doubts, the confusion, and the changes in our personalities because of what they have done. In our particular cases, we are a small group of Betrayeds that have the horror, the additional burden of the OC issue, and out of that small camp there are a handful who have contact and involvement.<p>It is impossible to keep score especially in your situation, because what you are doing is so far more charitable and forgiving that what I am willing to do. So, in your case, your husband IS lucky. Supremely lucky.<p>The paradox here is that if the Betrayed received the same kind of love and remorse, compassion and effort from the Wayward as he/she is receiving from us, most of us would probably not have to be here or bring these issues to the forum. It would be good enough. Their love, remorse, compassion for us and most of all their effort to recover would be good enough. Absolutely good enough. No score card necessary. <p>But, most the time it ain't good enough. They don't work at it hard enough, at least, not as hard as we do. Their behavior and selfishness is the same as before only with some temperance because they have been so shell shocked from the announcement of the pregnancy that they come scurrying home like beaten puppies, and caretakers that we are, we let the bedraggled pup back into the home, trying to trust again, trying to believe again, desparately wanting what we had or the illusion thereof.<p>If they do not replenish the well, the well will run dry, then there will be nothing to give...and on and on and on. <p>In my opinion, we have not only replenished their wells, their wells are overflowing. They have plenty to give back to us and to make us 'ask' for what should be given freely and with an overflowing heart is another example of how the Waywards sabotage the one thing that would make them happy and whole.<p>I can't even begin to imagine how to advise you on how to perceive this child as one from a former relationship except to try to look at the child as just a child, any child that needs love. If you have minimal contact with the XOW or if she is reasonable and eager to make amends with decent behavior towards you, you may be able to do this and I know God will bless you with grace to handle the situation. <p>IMO, your husband's responsibility is to give to you what you need without you having to ask for it...it is the only way I can think of that will open your heart to the OC and healing will be successful and the score card will end up at the bottom of the junk drawer, forgotten.<p>Matthew...you're amazing.<p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]<p>[ March 29, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

I was the WS and had the OC. It is awful hard for me to not feel lucky with the way my H has forigiven me and accepted our D as his own. I know from the posts here that there is a great variance in how the BS is able to handle this situation therefore I have been made aware that I could have been in a much less pleasant situation.
I'm not sure I love him "harder" but I certainly have reached a much higher level of respect and admiration for the kind of man he is. Face it, not everyone is able to deal with this kind of situation so why is it wrong for your H to feel these things? I don't think it's about keeping score, it's more about realization. But if you feel very strongly about this I think you should say it to him exactly as you have here, although I doubt he'll stop feeling like a very lucky man.