Do any of you know of anyone who survived an A that involved an OC? For those of you here on this board, how many are still holding on? How long has it been? How many months/years was it before you gave up or couldn't take anymore? I'm curious--it seems to be too much pain to go through only to end up divorced.

My H and I are still together after his affair. It has been 8.5 years since he severed his relationship with the OW. He has an OC, born 4 mos after our child in (our son Sep '93/ the OC Jan/94). He has never met his dau. and I do not think that will happen until she presses for it. We do pay child support, he has visitation in place but has never chosen to visit. These are his wishes, I felt he should see his child, but he chose not to and that is where we are. We only hear from OW when she has a problem with insurance or the support is messed. We pay thru the state, automatic payment.
I posted my whole story a while back.<p>Good luck with your situation, it is hard but with commitment from BOTH of you it can be done.<p>Texasgirl

lemonpie,<p>It's been 3 going on 4 years of recovery and we're doin' great. XOW/OC will never be a happy topic, but the rest of our life and our marriage is going fine and dandy. I'd say life AND my mind got lots more back to "normal" at about 2.5 years for us, more or less, with BOTH of us working hard at personal growth and the marriage. I mean, we'll never be the same people with the same innocence ever again, but we're as recovered as we can be while paying ch-support over this. <p>I hope your family can recover happily too!!<p>Fake it 'til you make it. If you give it your best shot and still end up divorced, at least you can say you tried and it didn't work out. But if you leave without trying, you'll never know... May God guide you,
J

Well lemonpie,
MM and his wife are still married and the affair/OC was 20 years ago--no contact.<p>I can't tell you if MM ever had any more affairs, but I can tell you that they are still together and that there was no divorce.<p>I'm married now (9 years) and there has been no affair. My H believes in MB concepts and I'm working hard to protect myself from my own weaknesses and affair-proof my marriage. I never want to be an OW again.

lemonpie,<p>we are 5 years into recovery and things are going wonderful for us. we are expecting our first baby in july. marriage is stronger than it ever was before affair, stronger than it was when we got married. i am happy where i am in my life and in my marriage. H has learned from his mistake and i have fixed what i was doing wrong that led to the affair. not that it was my fault, but our marriage wasn't perfect, we had lots of problems and i was part of some of them. <p>H has no contact with OC, she will be 5 this year. we pay child support and back child support since OW didn't file till child was almost 3. contrary to what the law books here say, they do put order from birth if parents weren't married. we are in arizona. <p>we are not sure if there will ever be contact. OW seems to want contact now more, but i think she just wants to have contact with H. the only way my H would have contact with OC is if he could have NO contact with OW. and i am doubtful she would use me as a go between since she hates me. and since her interests are more for her, and not for her daughter, OC will probably not know her dad till she is an adult.<p>there are happy endings. i don't know what the secret is, wish i did, i would share it will all of you here. but, since we can't know the future, you simply have to put your heart into what it is that you want and have faith that it will work out. even without an affair and OC, i have seen marriages end. you just never know.<p>good luck to you.<p>happy_girl

Thank you all for your response. It seems like we are going backwards not forward. My H still does not talk--he doesn't mention the A and when I try to discuss it we get into a big argument. He says he hasn't seen the OW or OC since D-Day. I just can't trust him. Still hurting

Consider yourself hugged.

Lemon Pie...That is such a cute name...Lemon Pie. I like it. But, it needs 'merangue' (sp?)<p>Your 'merangue' will come in time. Recovery takes a long time, LP, and we all are so impatient. <p>I was extremely impatient and I hated the 'stages' I was told I would (and did) go through. I hated the time line I was told would occur (and it did) right on schedule and there was little I could do about it except to accept it and flow with it. I hated the peaks and valleys of recovery and was told there would be many (and there were). I hated the times where it looked like all my work (and BS's are the ones who do most the work in recovery, especially the first two years) was in vain and I was loosing the marriage anyway...but, I wasn't.<p>This, My Friend, is going to be the hardest thing you have ever been through but, ironically, you will survive it and come out on top either way, no matter what happens. A year from now, regardless of where you are in your marriage, you will probably come here and tell some newbie how stunned you are at the strength you have inside that you never knew existed. You will marvel at your spiirituality.<p>You are still in the early stages of discovery/recovery and sometimes when things look the darkest, it is only one stage making way for the next.<p>Go through the stages and learn something from each one and believe and pray that God will bring you peace and restore your marriage in His own time. Be patient and wait and listen to your heart for what you really want and focus on that by reading all the Harley books and studying and implementing the Harley principles and Rules into your daily life. It will help you understand yourself and your husband and set the stage for a solid recovery. Don't get discouraged by the 'hiccups' in the relationship because they are necessary to weed out the demons and move forward. It all happens on God's time table, not ours. We can do everything we can to fascilitate it but ultimately, it will all happen when it is supposed to.<p>I have been bitterly disappointed over the last three years cursing my 'luck' and being enraged that this happnened to us, but, today, three years later, my husband is committed to me and to our marraige and daily asks me to remarry him and gives back more than he gets. A new phenomenon over the past six months...and it is 3.5 years since the A and discovery.<p>Our recovery took a very, very long time, so don't be discouraged. Mine took longer than most here because of my husband's illness, but it is finally here and we are doing very well. It can happen.<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=

Thanks catnip for your response. However I am patient that is why i am still with my H. I frustrated because i am the BS yet I am doing all the work to restore what he destroyed. I hate myself for not trusting him. if he goes out for more than 15 minutes, you can't tell me he's not with the OW especially since the OW and OC live approx. 8 blocks away. I don't like this feeling yet he does little to make me feel better. Sometimes i just think it would be better if we divorced. the pain is too much for me.

How long since discovery? <p>I'm sorry...I don't know all the details of your story. When I thought I was giving you some hope, I didn't realize that your husband might still be seeing OW. Do you really believe he is? Is there hard evidence or just a feeling?<p>It makes me so sad to hear you sound as though you have given up. I know that sometimes when one has given all they've got and get nothing in return for a very long time, there comes a time when you have to do what you must for yourself.<p>You're in my prayers and thoughts, Honey...I am sorry.<p>Catnip =^^=

Catnip it has been 8 months since discovery. I don't have any hard evidence my H is seeing OW or OC. I just have a feeling. I believe its the trust issue. You see my H came home every night, didn't stay out late when he went out with friends which wasn't often. When I asked my H how did he have time to have an A--he told me that he was not always at work. He has always told me he loved me--everyday to be exact and I'm not embellishing. So when he tells me he loves me now--I tell him love wouldn't have me in the position I am in now. I guess my problem is that I can't believe that someone who confess to love me would hurt me in this way. I also can't get over the fact the he OW can laugh in my face and let me know my H was intimate with her. I am in serious pain.

Lemon,<p>I just found about my H and OW/OC. I feel for you. I feel broken also.

LP, I understand your feelings too. My husband says he loves me, and he acts like it. He comes home on time. And yet, he found time for an affair. I knew he was a flirt, but I thought he was faithful and I never suspected until oc came along. He also will not discuss the affair. Now initially he talked to me, but now if anything ever comes up or I have doubts he says I am living in the past and should just drop it. I think it is his way of assuring me rather than running from the issue, but it is not reassuring at all.<p>Right now I know without doubt that he is not with previous OW, but he has flirted with quite a few of the women out there. Many don't care if the man is married or not. I try not to accuse husband, but sometimes my feelings come out. And he gets angry and says I am living in the past. Maybe. He says he is faithful. And I say why should I believe you. He'll say because I love you. And I say Oh so that means you didn't love me before??? I know he did love me during affair and loves me now. Love is not the question for me. The question is is husband strong enough to stay away from women. I tell him that he can not have women friends because it is inappropriate. But he says it's silly/no big deal. I say affairs start somewhere and many times it is friendships. He just doesn't get it.<p>I even shared with him last night about a man who was flirting with me. I told him that the man never said anything flirtatious whatsoever. He offered to help me with what I was doing and just made casual conversation, but there was more to it. We both knew it. The first time he spoke to me, I did nothing and considered it as a passing hello. The second time I very conspicuously showed him my wedding band. And the third time when he came back for more, I didn't even answer his very innocent non-flirtatious question and just said 'I am married and I don't think my husband would appreciate me talking to you'. My husband was so proud of me for putting my foot down with this man even though I told husband several times that NO flirtatious or intimate conversation occurred. He understood (when I was concerned) that conversation could begin flirtation. But when it is him and the convenient store gal, he just doesn't get it. "We were just talking"...yeah I know.<p>So how do I trust someone who is questionable to me. I don't think I should just overall trust. That innocent trusting girl is gone. But I don't want to make him angry all the time or push him to 'she thinks I'm cheating so I will'. So when I get that feeling, I check him out. My husband is more likely to do something wrong if he thinks he is safe so I make it look like he is safe and then I watch. For example, he normally calls me at lunch break so I forwarded my phone to a friend's cell phone and then took friend's car and sat in a parking lot near husband's work. He called and we chatted (while he thinks I am across town at my job). So we hang up and soon after he drives out for his lunch break. I follow a good distance behind and was happy to see him do nothing wrong. I had to do that sporatically for several weeks before I felt better. That feeling comes and goes, but catching him doing good or at least not doing bad helped me. I am hoping that although what I am doing is not exactly honest, it will help us to get through this difficult experience. I certainly wouldn't suggest that you do this, it has just helped me.<p>I guess the bottom line is that HE has to change. I realize that he has weaknesses, but don't we all. A person might be able to call a true ONE night stand a mistake. But very few of us are dealing with that. We deal with someone who repeatedly made a choice to go outside the marriage. So the bottom line is that HE has to change on the inside. The way we react to situations says who we are. I can control his actions somewhat. And I can catch him doing right or wrong, but I really want a man who wants to and is STRONG ENOUGH to be faithful. I got some wisdom from the book Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Martin. I was amazed as I read the first chapter as she talked about the wife. But I suppose that is who we have control over. I will not be walked on, but the way I react to my husband's unfaithfulness says who I am. Other people see it too. How embarrassing it is for me that people know our situation. I mean you don't just bring two toddlers home one day and pretend like nothing happened. But when people say Good Lord girl how can you do this? My answer is Yes, it's the Good Lord. I am having huge trials through this, but I KNOW that my God will lead me through. I am praying for my husband, and I am encouraging him to be around good men. I asked a man from my church to encourage other men to just "hang out" with my husband. It gives him someone moral to talk to and it gives him some examples to see. I also am trying to keep my tongue quiet more so that I don't accuse (love bust). I believe that my husband wants to be faithful. That's why I hold on, but I think only God and hubby can make that permanent change and give him the strength to actually stay faithful.<p>Now to another point, your husband has a child. Have you two come to agreement about contact or not. I mean if he felt an obligation or even a curiosity toward that child and felt that you disapprove, he might feel a need to sneak over there. Please don't allow contact by himself. The temptation is too great. But my thought was just that perhaps if he is indeed sneaking to ow's house, it might be for oc and not for ow. There are lots of options with contact or no contact, and I believe each situation has its own answer. You probably have already talked about it extensively, just make sure that you have true agreement. I obviously don't know the answer either. For me, the answer has been to spy (not saying that's right), to try to hold my tongue, to come to agreement with him (contact with ow goes through me and yes, I helped him fight for custody), to get my husband around good moral men friends, and to pray. My husband is coming to terms with going to counseling. I think that will help us too. Good luck.