Good Morning Everyone,<p>Today is the first anniversary of our reconciliation. One year ago tonight we were talking about what had happened, how we felt about it, the miscarriages and where we would go from there. <p>Today, we are not where we were then or as far along as we would like to be. The courtroom drama, the weekly drama of exOW, and H’s avoidance of counseling has made it difficult to get past much of the pain of the A. <p>It is suddenly amazing to me that so much has happened in this last year. My life is so different. I have learned that I “am” able to take care of myself, I am stronger than I thought I was a year ago and I am fiercely protective of what I feel is right. I knew I was able to love a child that was not mine, my stepson, my niece and nephew, but completely unaware that I was capable of loving a child from this situation to the extent that I love Lil Bit. <p>Lil Bit will be 9 months old in 2 weeks.
She is my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night. I cry when I have to let go of her to return her to exOW. I cry when she hurts. I cheer her on when she is trying something new. I rejoice when she gets it right.
I am amazed at this Motherhood feeling that I have inside me, for her.
Yet, I want my own. One I don’t have to fight exOW over, one that will not leave me on Sunday mornings, one that no one can take from me.
The feelings of “This child was supposed to be MINE!” “exOW stole my right to be the mother to my H’s child” Still roam free in my heart and mind. This is the one pain that can’t seem to get past. One day, I know, the Lord will allow me the privilege of motherhood, even if it’s only through Lil Bit. I am trying to have faith that He will see to it that she is mine; lock, stock and barrel. <p>Thank you all… for a venue to express my feelings. A ton of shoulders to cry on. Even for some of the “opposite points of view.” It takes both good and bad to make one appreciate what they have. <p>Once again, Thank you so very much.

I, too, know the profound grief and emptiness of not having my own husband's child and the same feelings you have at feeling that the child should be mine. <p>Time is healing me and because I am older, and realistically, I would not want to chase after a toddler 24/7, but that doesn't erase the pain of not being able to share a child with my husband.<p>You are young and healthy and there are so many ways to have a bio child of your own these days through all the incredible medical advancements. Just like women who try for years and are unable to conceive go ahead and adopt a child, suddenly a few months later are stunned to find out that they are pregnant. It happens all the time. As soon as a woman relaxes and stops worrying about it, sometimes it just happens. Be patient and wait for God's will and time line...<p>Wishing you your heart's desire.<p>Love<p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ April 01, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

Dear Stacia,<p>Like you and Catnip, my H had OC before we were able to have our own children. I had been doing all the procedures for infertility and had suffered numerous miscarriages. <p>I always wanted a big family and I was obsessed with trying to have a baby -- moody and sad, upset when I was around pregnant women or was invited to a shower or christening. It was the most horrible time of my life.<p>It was at this precise moment in time that my H came to me and told me that he had been having an affair and the OW was pregnant. He was so afraid to tell me because he feared that with my emotional state I would do something to harm myself.<p>That announcement changed everything. Although I knew that I had the fertility problem, it had been something that we were BOTH going through together. Now, the knowledge that my H was perfectly capable of producing children just not with me hit me firmly between the eyes. My sadness and my insecurity deepened to the point that I went for counselling before I did do something drastic as my H predicted.<p>I felt all those feelings you are feeling -- a child that should have been mine coming from an OW. And, when the OC was born, because my desire to parent was so strong I did my best to bring the child into my own life. But it could not work out because the OW did not want me to be anywhere near her child (can you imagine! - and she was sleeping with MY H!)<p>The one thing that helped me immensely was focusing on my H's desire to make our marriage work. He has said to me so many times -- he had a woman with a baby who was begging him to be a family and he had no guarantee that his wife would ever have a child, yet he loved his wife and he chose to stay with me and make it up to me. That is true love and you must view your H's desire to make a life with you as the ultimate love for you.<p>Three years passed during which we tried to work past what had happened with the OW and OC. And then, it happened. I was pregnant again. This time I stopped work, stayed in bed for the majority of the pregnancy and took medicines to increase the chance of retaining the pregnancy.<p>My son was born, healthy and full term, seven months later! He was followed immediately the next year with a premature, but healthy, sister!<p>It can happen, Stacia. You must have faith and you must pursue all that medical science has to offer. There was a great support group that I found which helped me to find the best doctors to treat my condition. The group was called "Resolve" and you can find them through the internet. They have local chapters all over the US. The provide referrals to the most successful doctors and better than that, they have support groups for women to discuss their feelings. These were so helpful to me when I was in the most despair.<p>A good doctor is the major part of the battle, so I would encourage you to contact them for a list in your area. <p>Best of luck to you. I feel so strongly that because you have given so unselfishly to Lil Bit, your turn for happiness must be near. God bless you and give you strength,<p>love,
heavenly

Stacia,
I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you, your H, and lil Bit.<p>Dawn

Stacie,<p>I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you too. I miss chatting with you online. I hope to talk to ya soon.<p>Tee

Thank you all, so much.<p>Catnip,
Once again, you move me to tears with your post. I aspire to one day have the wisdom that you have shown me. The road that we travel on is so different, yet the potholes see very similar. <p>heavenly,
I will take your advice and call Resolve. The chapter that meets in my area is actually based in the next state, but I will try. I have not given up hope! God Bless you and your family.<p>Dawn,
Thank you, Dear Friend. For it was you that lead me to this site. I pray daily for you and your family. May God Bless you.<p>Unsure,
Thank you for the warm thoughts. I miss chatting with you too. I am so tired lately and have been crashing out long before I normally do.
I pray that our exOW is as foolish as yours and pulls the same stunts in court. That was the Referee in our case can see the truth, not the Crayola Coloring Book Version of the ex OW.<p>Thank you all.