Hi, I am a new member to this forum and I really need some help. My husband and I have been married for 13 years. We have two children, daughter, 9 years old and a son who is 7 years old. When my husband and I first met, his parents were going through a divorce. Since then, both parents have remarried to two wonderful people. My husbands mother is a very controlling and manipulative person. She is an alcoholic and the controlling and manipulation characteristics may come from the alcohol. My mother-in-law and I at first got along fine, although she is quite two-faced. I would often times hear comments she had said about me behind my back that were very hurtfull, but then she would be kind and so sweet to my face. As I have gotten older, I know longer put up with this behavior, therefore, we do not have a relationship at all. My husband has been supportive to myself and our children. He understands that her behavior is not normal and is quite psychotic. Over the past years, my husband and children would go visit my mother-in-law for the weekend and I have never had any problems with this. In the past 5 years, my children would come home and say that Grandma would say bad things about the other Grandma and Grandpa. I do not like the children to be stuck in the middle of this. They have no idea that Grandma cannot let go of her first marriage and resents any of us for having a relationship with the Grandpa and his wife. I do not want my children hearing negative comments about the other side. But that is just the begining, now the alcoholism has become a big factor for her. About 2 months ago, at my neice's first birthday party, my mother-in-law had had a couple of glasses of wine and then snapped at my sister-in-law for not getting some item right away while she had been preoccupied with something else at the time. My mother-in-law hit her daughter, who is 34 years old, in the face in front of 3 children, 5yrs. 3 1/2 yrs. and 1 yrs. of age. It ended up being a huge sceen for all of the children to see ( mine were not there, thank goodness). 911 had been called and so on. Last weekend, my sister-in-law had been to Grandma's and another situation occured like the last, but this time violent behaviors happened between Grandma and Grandpa because of drinking. After hearing of these two incidences, I told my husband that he may go visit his mother any time, but the children will not be able to go visit her until she gets treatment for her alcoholism. I have never used the children as pawns or for blackmail. I may not like my mother-in-law, but that doesn't mean the children have to follow suit. But now I worry for their safety if they were to go visit. I do not want them to witness this bizarre behavior. This is where the conflict between my husband and I is coming in to play. He thinks I am using the children as blackmail. I feel I have a responsibilty to my children to keep them safe and try to protect them the best that I can. When they are older and I can explain the situation to them and they would be capable of understanding the situation, I will do that at that time. Do you think I am being unreasonable? I would appreciate any feedback you may have.

llmk,
I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I too have a M-I-L who is an alcoholic but it has not progressed to the level of what you describe. However I totally understand why you have made the decission you have. Even though mine hasn't had any physical outbursts like yours, she is still imparred most of the time and in my opinion lacks better judgement during those times. When my wife wants to send one of our 5 kids to MIL for the weekend, I am uncomfortable with it but I have had no real reason to prohibit it yet. In your case I would not allow it due to the immenent possibility of MIL outbursting on the kids. None of us want to think that that could become a reality but it has happened. You have every right to be leary and to be protective of your children, it's your God given responsibility!
This all, however, doesn't mean it is or ever will be easy on your husband. After all it is his mother, the one who bore, raised, and cared for him. His flesh and blood! He may eventually understand or even does understand your feelings but he probably takes offense at anything that even resembles a threat or accusation towards her. I know that there have been times when I have come to my mothers defense w/o question, right or wrong, when she is accused.
It won't be easy and it will probably take some time but you need to be discussing this situation with him using the guidelines of negotiating laid out in this website. It will make it even more difficult if you have openly made your dislike for MIL obvious. You should try to come at it from the angle of HIS duty as daddy to protect his children.
Hope all this babble helps!! Let me or someone know how it progresses.

Thank you so much for replying. I needed to hear this support. My husband is at his Mother's as we speak helping her with yard work this weekend. He left on Friday and called on Saturday night still very upset with me. I hate hurting him this way because I know he his stuck in the middle. I do try to see it through his eyes, but obvisouly I do not see the same picture. I do appreciate your feedback.