I hate this life. I will stick with it, but I hate it. Everyday there is nothing in our life but kid kid kid. My time is gone. My money is gone. My sanity is going...<p>I am fairly nice to them. I take care of their needs. I fix their food. I change their clothes. I give them baths. I watch them while my husband is at second job and on warrior weekend. I watch closely that they don't get hurt. I touch them gently and hold my tongue a lot. I don't raise my voice at them (well, not much, I promise). I want the best scenario for their daycare, etc. I even give them special little treats sometimes. I am doing it, but it stinks. And when I think about my miscarriages, I am so mad. It is as if I traded my children for 2oc. Not fair. I know it's not the kids' fault. I realize they were in a really bad situation. But what year can I look forward to having some happiness for me??? <p>H gets upset with me cause I don't want to do all the lovey-dovey hugs and kisses at bedtime with these kids. Kids need that love, but they don't need me lying to them and I feel no love. I'm thinking seriously about that fake it till you make it idea. Now h wants us to have our picture made. He just found out that Sears has special for military, no sitting fee and free 8x10. (Call ahead and ask for military special at the Sears near you.) Hubby is more happy than I have ever seen him. He says that he would be more happy except that he sees my misery. Oh well shame on me for having feelings. He still says that he would take them back if I asked. Yeah, like that's even a possibility. I do have one HUGE consolation prize- for now at least we have no contact with ow or her parents. We are still dealing with protective services though... so let me reiterate- I am treating these children very well. I suppose I am jealous of the way he treats two young innocents and the fact that he has never treated me to all this nicety. I know how silly that sounds. But I want my turn...<p>Scuse me while I get the paint so I will have a smile for the picture.

aimee2:<p>Boy, this is more than just whining. You've been dealt a pretty bad hand, it seems, and you're justified at being unhappy. Have you had counseling? I don't know what's best for you, maybe this M and family, and maybe not. But posting here for feedback from people in similar situations (and there are a few, actually), and particularly getting counseling, can only help you help yourself.<p>Good luck, and do talk to someone!

aimee,
I'm sorry for your pain and that there is no joy in your parenting. I'm sorry you got deal this $%#@$*y hand and admire how you took the little ones in when they seem to have no where else to go.<p>1. I second the hope that you get counseling. You are under extraordinary circumstances, dealing with 2 very little ones from an abusive home. A foster parent (presumably where they would go if you didn't have them) would get extra money and training and support, so we can only wish you the same.<p>2. You said: "Everyday there is nothing in our life but kid kid kid. My time is gone. My money is gone. My sanity is going..." <p>Welcome to parenting! I know you miss your birthbaby so much and always will. I don't mean to make minor your taking on these OC. But these feelings are pretty normal for ANY parent! Kids DO take over your life, esp. two under the age of 3!!! It IS overwhelming!! It's normal to need a break. The red flag here is that you don't feel love for them yet, but I don't think that is necessarily a show-stopper, because it can take time to learn to love each other when you've only just met. That's normal sometimes in birth and in adoption. An adjustment period. <p>Again, I hope you get counseling, and I applaud you for trying to do the right thing. You're being a good mom--hang in there! Vent anytime. <p>Prayers,
J (mom to 2 on earth, 4 in heaven)<p>Chance cannot change love,
nor time impair,
for love is more than a feeling...
a commitment
to care forever.<p>[ April 03, 2002: Message edited by: Jenny ]</p>

aimee,
I am sorry for your pain. I have three kids and I know it can be overwhelming. I really don't have too much time for myself. So, what you are feeling is normal.<p>Dawn

OMIGOSH!
You don't sound unreasonable in the least re: watching your H be so happy while you are mourning deep down inside. Tell him! Don't bury your feelings. It's just not healthy for you. It builds resentment. It's not love busting to let him know how you feel! At least I don't think it's love busting... Although a true love buster would be for your H to decide. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Perhaps you could skip the family portrait right now. Let him take the photo with his kids and leave it at that. For now. It IS pretty overwhelming what you have been burdened with. Perhaps if you think of it as God asking you to do Him this little favor--you know--to nurture these children? Believe me, they will be grown & gone before you know it! It all goes by so fast.<p>Maybe there is a stepmoms' support group that you could join? Maybe through your counselor or church? That might be a good place for you to be where you can sit down with other understanding stepparents and discuss your feelings face to face.

OH and definitely take plenty of TIME OUTS for yourself to just go for a walk and meditate/pray to just be alone! OR shop or workout or just hang out by yourself. You deserve a break and your H needs to be very hands on... It IS unfair to dump them on you so suddenly like this. He is gone soooo much tho... Maybe you could arrange for plenty of babysitting and/or childcare to give yourself much needed breaks. Is his mom available to help with these babies at all???<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

You know what else I just thought of... If you tell the kids every day that they are good kids and make them repeat after you: I am a good boy! I am a good girl! I am a good big brother, I am a good helper, etc. And tell them you love them anyway even if you don't feel it, I'm sure you could cultivate it by the time they will be old enough to remember anything about their lives. They won't even remember these years, so that's good--and God's mercy!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know it sucks for you. You already mentioned that when you look at them you see their mom, the OW... I'm so sorry. As if having ONE OC is enough pain for a BS to deal with, here you are with two...<p>Have you guys really gotten past all the issues of your H's affair yet? Seems like this has happened so suddenly that you guys have not had a chance to rebuild much? Have you? Seems like not only do you need some ALONE time, you also need some COUPLE time!!!<p>I pray that you make it. I know there are rewards ahead for you. You are a very special woman! I admire your strength.<p>What you make happen for others, God will make happen for you! Who knows??? Maybe your reward will be a full-term pregnancy?????? You never know? Keep the faith! {{{{HUGS}}}} You are training these babies to be the big brother and big sister of your bio kids!!<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

Dear Aimee,<p>I know a little bit of what you are going through. You might try reading some books on adoption and attachment.<p>We are home four days now with our adopted sons. (They were with us 6 weeks in the summer of 2000 and now it has been 20 months since we have seen each other.) Believe me, I am glad that God has answered our prayers and given us back these children. I don't think our lives could have ever been fixed w/o these kids that we knew and loved pre-Dday. However, knowing that my boys will never read this site, I will tell you that some of the bond of love that we built 20 months ago has worn away and I know that it will take some time to rebuild it. This is the experience for many parents. Sometimes even moms look at their newborn baby-by-birth and think "How did this happen. Where did my life go and do I love this child." Bonding isn't always instant and it certainly isn't instant in circumstances like ours--adoption of older children or in your case step-parenting of children born of an affair.<p>Love will probably grow. If it doesn't you can still be a good parent to a child that doesn't raise warm and fuzzy feelings in you.<p>Our kids have a very difficult history also. We knew very little of it until we got to Russia this trip.<p>We aren't seeing many problems. They are able to give and receive love, they are pretty obedient, they are eating and sleeping well. Our younger son has thrown a couple of tantrums, but that isn't surprising considering that we took them from the most structured evirnonment on earth (an orphanage) and changed their lives and routines completely. Taking care of them in Russia was difficult because each day demanded different things from all of us. They never knew and could not predict when we would eat, go to bed, get in a car, be driven to some other government office and forced to sit for a few hours. Now that we are home and we have our routine in place everything is going much better. I know that the bond of love will grow again and soon I will feel that fierce mother-love, fight for her kids kind of love again.<p>About the photo, do what you need to do, but most adoption books promote an early family photo as being very important in the bonding process. It helps everyone focus on the new family unit.<p>I don't know how people raped into step-parenthood get over the feelings of betrayl and learn to love the children who came into their lives in the wrong way. I know that my father did it. I am a child conceived of an affair and my dad adores me. (I might just be his favorite out of his seven daughters but don't tell that to any of my sisters--ah what the heck! They already know it. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I also know a bit about trading one child for another. We lost the adoption of these boys right after I found out about my H's A and his OC. I was out-of-control furious at the world. I lost the two boys I had come to love and instead got a step-daughter I never wanted. I have come to love her, but it is easier for me than it is for you. We only see her four times a year and she doesn't have a great impact on my life.<p>My final thought is that you may also be protecting yourself. You don't know if this situation is permanent. Birth mom may get her act together and get primary custody again. If she tries, you might want to get the judge to order psychological testing of all adults involved to see who is the most fit parent. I think they use the Minnesota Multi-something or other. <p>I wish you all the best. It was brave of you to say what you were really thinking. Please take BTDT's advice and talk all this out with your H. He really needs to be doing the major part of the care of these children at least in the beginning. <p>Shalom,
MJ

Amiee,<p>I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I agree with all the advice givien.<p>
Unsure