I was wondering, if you never tell your H...and your child needs medical help such as blood or an organ someday...what then? Obviously H will not be able to help, and won't know why. <p>I'm sorry your OM doesn't think much of cutting ties or this site. I think that the hundreds of people who've been thru this and care enough to help others should be enough to convince him. But I know when my H and OW were in their 'fling' they didn't really care about anyone else either.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by maggierose:
<strong>I was wondering, if you never tell your H...and your child needs medical help such as blood or an organ someday...what then? Obviously H will not be able to help, and won't know why. <p>I'm sorry your OM doesn't think much of cutting ties or this site. I think that the hundreds of people who've been thru this and care enough to help others should be enough to convince him. But I know when my H and OW were in their 'fling' they didn't really care about anyone else either.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Maggierose,<p>That is a good question and one I've been struggling with. I don't have a definitive answer yet. He is my ex-om and I'm working hard on letting go not only of the relationship/A but also the plans we'd made to remain friends. I wish he would open his mind up to some of the ideas here at this site but I can't worry so much that he won't. I do think there is alot of good advice to be found here. I do think and I've said it from my rough beginning here, that there is alot of nasty generalizations and accusations, but I have learned to look past some of that and not be so defensive.
The OM in my case would be very resistent to pretty much everything this site recommends. I don't think he it's because he doesn't care about anyone else. I'm not trying to defend him, but honestly, he does care alot, it's that he believes 2 things: 1. we can be happy again in time but that happiness is up to us alone 2. we can be friends. He just doesn't understand that we should not see or talk to eachother again because we started out as friends and he wants to hold on to that piece of relationship.
I tell him what I've heard here but again, it's not up to me to convince him. I'm trying to worry more about what I should tell my H and fixing that relationship.

I'm glad you are considering how to work on this with your H. As for the OM, I would be very doubtful that you can go back to friends. It'd be great, but pretty unrealistic. You're right, you need to concentrate on your marriage. I thought of the medical stuff cuz my H has rare blood and only his brother can donate for him in his family. It does come up unfortunately and often it's an emergency. It'd be a terrible way for your H to find out. Remember, the longer you keep this from him, the longer it will take him to get over it. Good luck!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> The OM in my case would be very resistent to pretty much everything this site recommends. I don't think he it's because he doesn't care about anyone else. I'm not trying to defend him, but honestly, he does care alot, it's that he believes 2 things: 1. we can be happy again in time but that happiness is up to us alone 2. we can be friends. He just doesn't understand that we should not see or talk to eachother again because we started out as friends and he wants to hold on to that piece of relationship.
I tell him what I've heard here but again, it's not up to me to convince him. I'm trying to worry more about what I should tell my H and fixing that relationship. <hr></blockquote><p>You know, if your E/PA hadn't been 6 yrs long, your xOM almost sounds like my xOM! I filed harassment charges against him, cause he just couldn't understand why I didn't ever want to talk to or see him ever again! In fact, he blamed me for the whole thing, when we were/are both to blame for what happened! I do admit, that he told me about halfway through my foggy period, that he was trying to "get me", and I was just stupid enough to fall for it! In a very real way, your xOM is controlling your life, just as you are doing to your H! The difference is you are honestly thinking that keeping this all from your H will save him the hurt, but your xOM is doing this for purly selfish reasons! He is only thinking of himself, whether it is to keep from getting caught or to keep you in a position where you are "readily available", he is ONLY thinking of himself! xOM in my situation would use his "emotional blackmail" very effectively with me! He would use anything from his knowledge of my A (that was to "get back" at H for his A) to using my fear of loosing my M over the A! He was also making plans to "remain friends" but keep the A a secret! It just isn't right any way you look at it!<p>The part of your post that I put into italics is so very poignant to your true feelings in this whole mess! I think that you are finally seeing that your M, and repairing the damage done to it is so much more important than what xOM thinks or is going to do in his M! I think you truly do want your M to be healed, and to be able to grow together w/H. But, you HAVE to let xOM go completely! I know, if your H decides that xOM should pay CS and everything else that goes along with that you will still have some contact, but you will be doing it together w/H! <p>As I said in the other thread, you could let xOM know that you are going to tell your H, but I would do it through email and right before you do tell your H. That way, xOM can't fill your head with even more doubts and fear! I think that would be enough to keep you from worrying about telling H w/o xOM knowing. I still don't think it's that much of xOM's business what, where, why, and when you tell H, but to keep extra stress from yourself, that's what I would do in that situation. Send the email, and then turn around and tell H what's been going on! From this point on, you need to stop worrying about xOM and put your full concentration on your M!<p>Stop worrying about xOM and what he is going to do in his M and concentrate on your H and your M! If your H doesn't want to come here, at least print out the questionares and go over them together, to see where you are missing each other's needs! After you do that, work on meeting those needs, and you will find that everything else will fall into place!<p>I don't know how much help I have been, but if even one thing I said helps you, I'm glad! Good luck.<p>Tigger