Hi All<p>This is my situation. My H had an affair which resulted to a child. I have 5 sisters-in-law which have been very supportive to me and my family while going through our delima. Now, about 8 months ago, one of my sisters-in-lawand myself had a heated discussion pertaining to how I should be/respond to this other child. My H and I are doing real good as far as the child is concerned. My H decided that we will continue to provide for the child, but he does not want to have visitations because the OW only wants H to visit at the house. We don't agree. So we decided that the child will grow up and H will try to explain to her the reasons he was not present in her life (OC is a girl who turned 5 y.o. on March 24, 2002.<p>Now, back to our discussion. She says that I should be more responsive to this little girl than I am. I told her that you cannot put a time on healing. Like I told her, it may take me another year or more, for that matter, my lifetime to be able to be in this child's presence. It's clear that I have accepted her existence, but am not ready to deal with her. I know it will bring back soooo many bad memories. My H and I have 2 boys (ages 20 and 15), and has always wanted a little girl, but never did.<p>My SIL is having a birthday party today for her grandson at a pizza party place. She call's me this AM to tell me that the little girl is going to be there, and that she hopes that my H and I will come.<p>She tells me that she loves me and that no one can take that away. This is an innocent child. I am not worrying about the love she has, because obviously, my feelings does not matter much. Now, as far as my other SIL's, they are not willing to see her until my H brings her around.<p>How do I deal with my SIL and this situation.<p>PLEASE ADVISE!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

hurt but healing:<p>How do you deal with your SIL? I'm thinking maybe kicking her in her teeth would get her attention... but that's not the MB way.<p>It sounds like you've done an excellent job with your husband in using the Policy of Joint Agreement in dealing with this very difficult mess. I would suggest that you drop off the gift for this grandson either before or after the party. Do not attend. And both you and your husband ought to schedule a talk with this SIL and discuss (in no uncertain terms) what your current feelings are (assuming that you are in agreement). She doesn't have to agree, but I'd let her know that if she pulls that kind of stunt again then you'll not be visiting her.<p>Sorry that you've got such a [censored] in the family. Everyone has one---I'm just lucky that I'm the [censored] in my family... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Hurt but Healing,<p>I have been in your shoes and I know how aggravating it can be when family members do things that feel so disloyal under the guise of their own twisted sense of judgement.<p>My SIL pulled the same thing -- at that point in my story, my H had decided not to have contact because the exOW did not want the child around me. My SIL invited the exOW and OC to a family dinner that she was sponsoring and told my H and I that regardless of what was going on with the adults, the OC was still her niece and she had a right to invite her!<p>Needless to say, we did not go to the family dinner. But later, my H sat her down and talked to her. He told his sister first of all that HE was a closer relation to her than the OC and if she loved and cared for him, she would not take on decisions that it was inappropriate for her to make.<p>He told her that he was trying very hard to work out his marriage, but that he and I had to come first. If later, the ex-OW could be civil and come to an agreement then the OC could have a role in our family, but right now that was impossible. <p>And, he told her that if she persisted in her efforts she would be losing our entire family to gain the company of a niece she does not even know. <p>Unbeknownst to us, the exOW had sucked up to my SIL trying to ingratiate her child into the family and my SIL thought she was a "nice" woman. My SIL persisted for a while trying to include the OC but when my H and I stood firm and refused to come to any gathering where she was present, a funny thing happened. The exOW lost interest in the family because she was not reaching her objective -- to get my H to be involved. <p>At that point, both my SIL and the ex-OW lost interest in the whole thing and to this day they have no contact with each other. While my H and I see his family occasionally now, there is still a strain due to this temporary bad blood over the OC.<p>If your H is not the type to have a heart-to-heart talk with his sister and explain to her how she is hurting him and damaging an established family for the sake of a child who is a virtual stranger to her, then maybe you should do it.<p>How about her sisters? Since they seem to understand the parameters would any of them be a candidate to talk frankly to your SIL and straighten her out?<p>I am sorry you are going through this horrendous situation. But just like the WS, it is pure selfishness on the part of family members who claim that blood is so important they must include the OC in their lives. If the OC's bio parent can make such a tough decision as not to have contact, then certainly this should not be a monumental decision for an aunt, uncle, or whatever.<p>Good luck to you. I will remember you in my prayers and ask God to send you the right answers to this problem.
love,
heavenly

K!<p>We posted simultaneously and it was great see a blast from the past!<p>Hope you and your family are well. Glad to see you offering your usual sound wisdom -- I know it helped me many times.<p>Praying for your continued good spirits,
heavenly

HB and K<p>Thanks sooo much for your advice. Three of my SILs and my H's oldest niece called me this AM to see how I was doing. They also told me that it wasn't very pleasant at the Bday party. The OC was hardly recognized. They also told me that even though they were not ugly to her, but she was treated like any other child there that they did not know.<p>Deep down in my heart, I love children, period. But it seems so hard for me to get myself to received this child like I do any other child. Sometimes I say to myself, OK I'm ready, then next thing you know, I can't.<p>My H and I had a long, long conversation last night that lead to this AM. He expressed his sorrow and how he will not allow ANYONE to create problems in our marriage, he doesn't care who they are. He also told me that I should not allow someone as simple as his sister to upset me. Whatever it takes to satisfy me, it will be done. He has shown me sincere sorrow and that he will do anything for our marriage. But everytime I hear the OC name, I cringe.<p>In church this AM, my prayer was that God deliver me from the ill feeling. It is totally our of my character. But I guess when you go through things such as this, you can expect to have those kind of feelings.<p>PS - I am truly greatful for this site. You know, when you do not want to involve family in your problems, but you need an ear, how good it feels when you find someone to hear you out (who has gone or is still going through the same thing, it feels good.<p>THANK YOU!<p>Hurt But Healing.