I submitted my story last month. My H had A which led to her pregnancy. He is very upset about what he did. He asked her to give the
children ( she says it's twins) up for adoption.
She refused. I e-mailed her, expressing that I was working on forgiving them both, with the help of God, but that I pray that she would leave us alone, so we can restore our marriage. He talked to her before I emailed her, and she said that she was sorry for what happened, didn't want to hurt his marriage, and wanted nothing from him.
She has 2 other children and is divorced. We have 3 children ages 5,11,15. Our 15 year old in disabled, and takes up much of my time and energy.<p>She hasn't tried to reach him since my email. He wants to never have contact with her or the kids. Part of me is thankful for that, but those kids and her raising them without their father keeps haunting ME. I would like advice from BS and OW. In your experience is it better to never know the kids or to be involved with them<p>We live in a small town and H doesn't want the scandal of everyone finding out what he did to me & our kids. I don't want it to get out either, but if he gets involved with them, everyone will know about it. I think me & my kids can handle it, it's the rest of our family & friends that we are worried about. <p>butterfly

BF:
I have recently gotten out of an EP/A which lasted several years and from which my son was conceived. My story is long, the short version is My H and I are raising child together. OM was not given an option in that decision although he did go along with it. He is M and has 2 children with his W. That said, I am in no position to offer you advice but I can give you my opinion based on my experience.<p>"...I think me & my kids can handle it, it's the rest of our family & friends that we are worried about."<p>"He wants to never have contact with her or the kids. Part of me is thankful for that, but those kids and her raising them without their father keeps haunting ME. I would like advice from BS and OW. In your experience is it better to never know the kids or to be involved with them."<p>My initial reaction is that H feels this way out of fear. Fear of what other people will think of him as well as of his responsibility to those kids. That can be overwhelming but it passes. Its easy to hide our head in the sand. After lying for 3 years I'm beginning to realize that it gets harder and harder to live with and that much harder to reverse and free yourself. As you begin to live with the reality of having a child that you haven't acknowledged or whom you do not know, the care over what others think wears off. Trust me, it does. My ex-OM now struggles with the torment, as do I at times, that we are living a lie that has gone on for almost since I became pregnant 3 years ago, it is hard to dig out of it now. What will my H, son, OM's W and children think now? What will the OC and your children want and what do they need from their parents? If you really care about what people think, my advice is worry about those whom you love and whose opinions and thoughts really do matter. Unlike your H children with OW, my son does have a father, the only daddy he has ever known, my H. It is crucial that a child have both parents and then some in your case, if it is at all possible. If my H were not in the picture, OM would be, not for me but for our child that deserves to be loved no matter what mistakes we as adults made. Someone said recently that no child is illegitimate, only has illegitimate parents. Once you begin your lie, it will only be harder and harder to get out of it. If you are haunted now you can be reasonably be sure that it will get only worse. Not only for you but also for H as the "mask" he is wearing gets too heavy to hold.

butterfly,<p> I am sorry your going through such pain, I have been the betrayed spouse more times than I would like to say, unfortunately through that I became what I hated most " the OW " I hate that, but cant change the past so I am trying to move forward. My A resulted in a child being born and my husband has had to deal with this as well did OM and his W.
You dont have any thing to be ashamed of you did nothing wrong, they did. I wouldnt count on it being twins till you have seen an ultrasound picture. and I wouldnt assume it is your husbands with out proof.
I also wount assume you could get away with out at least paying child support, after all it takes two to make a baby and if she is a single mother your husband can not expect her to make a go of it with out at least financial help. He knew what he was doing and the consequences before they happened. However that doesnt mean you have to have them in your lives, many people on this site pay cs and never see the child. The dr. here even suggest that you never see child again. I however disagree, I think if a man is man enought to produce a child, he should be man enough to stand up and own up to it, after all why shouldnt that child get love as well.
Many will say the OW shouldnt have slept with a MM , but why isnt any one saying H shouldnt have slept with OW. doesnt make him more responsible just equally responsible.
Many people will find out in time, small towns never keep any thing quiet, but I can tell you from our experience, most people respect OM more for finally taking responsibility. It took him a year to do it openly, he did it in secret before then.
My D is a joy and we love her, infact tonight I am letting her spend the night with OM and W I am scared to death, but they love her and he would never let anything happen to her. The W in the beginning told her husband he couldnt see child ever so he went behind her back and saw child every week for a year, then finally I told him to continue seeing her he had to face his family and tell them. They all new about her, just didnt want to accept it. So he did and they as a couple have been seeing her ever since, and the wife is growing to love D as well. She sews for her and shops for her, sings to her. she still has some issues she has to work through but we all do.
I would ask god to help, your pastor, counselor, will help you make decisions. as far as your children go, my children are very loving and acepting of my D, she is very attatched to them. OM's children are adults and his wifes child is an adult. One is very loving the other two are not.
Most dont recomend contact betwen spouse and Ow/OM however in my case we find it works better if OM and I make all decisions and we let our spouses know, However, I try to include my husband in decisions but he removed himself from them. But our marriage while stressed at times is getting better in some ways and we have a long way to go.
Try and remember those people in this town probably know any way and those who are true friends will support you in what you decide, and the others who cares what they think. I dont know how long affair lasted , mine was for quite a few years, so most people had fgured out we cared for each other any way.
now for me to quit rambling, I think it is better to know the child, but I am speaking from a child point of view and what is best for them. I wish you luck and what ever decision you make, I am sure it will be what is best for you and your family, I just wanted you to know it is possible to learn to love these children and still keep your family.
thanks for listening.
mof

Hello,
I would not blame yourself. And if your H does not want any contact don't feel bad. This is his mess not yours. Ask yourseif can your marriage survive if OW and OC are in your life?
Sometimes it is better for all involve to have no contact. How is your marriage going? I myself would not want to bring a child in a home that would cause so much grief and pain. I believe that is not right. As a mother if the father does not want anything to do with his child then I would not want to force anything on him. It would just cause more harm than good to that child.<p>Just because OW says your H is the father does not mean he is. I would get a paternity test done.<p>OW is going to raise them by herself without any finacial help from your H? <p>
Dawn<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>

Boy can I relate to not wanting the news of the OC to come out. I'm not one for people knowing my business. So far it's just been family that's been told, my family thinks I'm an idiot for sticking with Doc, his family has been very sympathetic and very supportive of me, and even smacked Doc upside his head a few times on my behalf...sparing me from LB'ing his butt all over the place<p>MOF
my views on contact are very similar to yours. your postings give me hope that this is a workable situation. Thank you!
I pray that your D's overnight goes well and that God provides the comfort you'll need to get thru this. Let us know how this goes. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Peace!

Thanks DG,

i Am A NERVOUS WRECK, I just dont want to traumatize D. She will be fine, he is very loving and even though he thinks she is spoiled wrotten he respects my parenting and would do nothing to upset her or me. so it will be ok. My concentration will be on my husband having a good time, will go to san antonio and do the river walk thing! and enjoy ourselves. he will pick her up after work. I am sending some of her favorite things and she has many things there that I have sent, since they havent had children together, they dont have any kid things. and I didnt want them to have to buy everything, so we do alot of sharing. I will keep telling my self...I THINK I CAN , I THINK I CAN

You said:
"I would like advice from BS and OW. In your experience is it better to never know the kids or to be involved with them"<p>It&#8217;s a really tough call to make. Some BS are certain that &#8220;no contact&#8221; is the right choice for their situation and some are choosing contact. If you posed the question, then I&#8217;m guessing that you&#8217;re having misgivings and might want affirmation that you made the right choice. Right now, I think what you need to consider first and foremost is &#8220;How would contact affect YOU?&#8221; If you do not feel you can handle it, then it&#8217;s no good for anyone. It will impede your recovery and the recovery of your marriage. If you choose contact and things are not stable with you and H, then it will eventually have an adverse effect on ALL children&#8230;.including OC. Not good. My situation is rare. BS and I have worked hard towards developing a comfortable, positive atmosphere. Our focus is on doing what is best for my son&#8230;..actually he is OUR son. It feels really funny to say that, but it&#8217;s the truth. She is his step-mother (by her own admission) and has embraced that with fierce determination to do what she feels is right. Please keep in mind that &#8220;doing what is right&#8221; is a custom job. There is no &#8220;one size fits all&#8221;. Feedback from others in similar circumstance will help you to know possible options and outcomes. Take it for what it is&#8230;personal experiences and well-meaning advice. Overall, there are a lot of bad experiences with trying to make things work with the OW/OC. I believe this happens because there are lot of negative ingredients going into the mix i.e. lies, betrayal, immaturity, manipulation, selfishness, thoughtlessness, rage, pain, etc. It&#8217;s a recipe for disaster, which will in turn breed more anger and pain. It is amazing to me how some people can be so cruel to one another. I read some of the sad stories here and I just sit back and shake my head. My heart breaks for so many and it leaves me with a great sadness. It also makes me feel very grateful for the way my situation is working out. I strongly believe that my son will benefit from contact with his father and step-mother. With so many people opening their hearts and making him the priority, how can he go wrong? If our heads and hearts were not in the right place, I, myself, would not want contact. Who wants to feel like they are the cause of so much strife and despair? I would not put my son in that position. He is not a pawn or a means to an end. He is a little person who&#8217;s life I have been entrusted. It is my privilege to shape and mold him into a responsible man. Part of that means being selective about the influences in his life.<p>OB1

cmiranda, mof,dawn71,docsgirl,&,ohbratti1<p>Thanks so much for all of your advice. My H works with ow (in separate dept-he runs in to her in the hall about once a week)in another town about 30 miles away. A lasted several months and had ended before she told him she was PG. He had told me everything and I have forgiven him. Our marriage is actually better than before, but A & PG is continually in my thoughts. We are much more open with each other.
No one knows about A. They never interact at work. He hasn't talked to her since she told him and he asked he to give them up for adoption. She said no. He feels used,trapped,foolish and is very angry. He's afraid of what everyone will think of him. He is well respected at work, in our town and in our church. He feels that she should have told him that she wasn't on the pill. Sometimes I feel I can handle knowing "their" kids and everyone else knowing and then all of a sudden I fall apart.
I do not know her. He doesn't want to have any contact with her. He wants to pretend it never happened and feels that if she isn't willing to give them up then why should he worry about it. I am afraid it will blow up in our face one day.<p>If we decide to have contact with ow/oc, should we wait until they are born? I would demand a paternity test. <p>Please, any advice is helpful.
Thanks [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

also should we wait to tell anyone, until after birth and paternity tests????

BB<p>I feel for you hon, The OW in my situation works with Doc, not in a separate dept, but right next to him.No one at work knows..yet, but at 17 weeks along she's starting to show. Doc still considers her to be a friend...much to my irritation. Doc is ready to just have it all out in the open and deal with the fallout, however she is not.As far as a paternity test...part of my agreeing to stay with him was that he demanded one. She's over 40 so there's talk of an amnio test being done...I believe you can establish paternity then. He mentioned this to her and she freaked out.makes me wonder why.
My thoughts and prayers are with all women having to face this difficult situation.
I wish I had answers for you...heck I wish I had them for me. <p>Peace! TGI almost F [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi,
I would wait until the paternity test comes back that the OC are yours H.<p>I know how you feel about blowing up in your face. I feel that way sometimes. OC was born in Oct. 2001 and my H asked for a paterinty test but OW hung up on him. So, as of now OW does not want to get a DNA test done and does not want my H around OC.<p>I really have my doubts that OC is my H. Nothing has been done so far.<p>Dawn<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]<p>[ April 11, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>

Hi butterflybonanza,
Yeah, if I were you I would wait and see what happens. Just because she is pregnant doesn't mean the pregnancy will carry to term. Especially with multiples being such a high risk and everything. Don't get yourself more worked up than necessary. It's a tough call which ever way you go, but I think you should go with what gives you the most peace, you know, with what the Lord is speaking to you deep in your heart. What if you got the family all involved and upset and then the babies don't make it, or she has the babies and they turn out not to be your H's?! And while you have moved on and forgiven your H for his cheating, the family may not be so forgiving. They can't hold it against him if they don't know and if he is working hard at making it up to you, just enjoy that for now. You have enough to worry about with your special needs son and other kids! That's my take on it...