Help! I'm not sure what to do. OW had agreed to leave my H alone and wanted nothing. I told him it was too good to be true. He saw her yesterday.
He said she looked terrible. She looked like she had not been eating or sleeping. I'm sure she is a nervous wreak. He followed her to her car to see how she was and she broke down. Who can blame her. He wants her to give oc up for adoption (its twins), but she refuses. He feels that it would be best for everyone. She already has 2 kids by exH who abused her. I can't imagine raising 4 kids by myself, especially when 2 are babies.(the other 2 are about 13 & 15)<p>Their affair lasted 6 months, but he says they were only together about 5 times. Whoopie, like that makes it ok. Ha! He says that it was purely physical for him and he doesn't love her. We were having problems when A started, I didn't realize that they were that bad!!!
We are getting along better than ever now. He wants to forget A ever happened, never acknowledge the kids and move on with our lives. He gets depressed and angry with himself every time he thinks about what he has done to us. He actually cries when we talk about it. I've never seen him this way.
When he talked to her, she asked him what I wanted from her. I don't think he really gave her an answer. I'm not sure what I want myself. She couldn't understand how he could not acknowledge her pregnancy and not want to know the kids.
I told him that women have a bond with their children that a man can't understand and that I could understand her feelings.
I'm willing to meet with her and talk this out. It is too much for him to bear. He is an emotional wreak. He has 3 sisters and 2 of them have greatly "disappointed" his Mother and she thinks he can do no wrong. I think he is afraid of what it will do to her if she finds out. She is 72 years old and has custody of my terminal 12 year old niece, who has been a bedridden, tube fed, wears diapers, etc. and requires constant care, all of her life. My niece had a terminal sister that died at 3 that my Mother in law cared for and my Father in law died 2 years ago of cancer. My husband's sister nor her ex husband help take care of their child. Our 15 year old son has cerebral palsy and is wheelchair bound. My Mother in law is very bitter about all that has happened to her and her family. My husband doesn't want to disappoint her like his sisters have.
I want what is best for everyone, whatever that is. I don't feel that ow has anyone to talk to, since they have told noone about the affair. She has told everyone that the Father is from out of state. I hate for H to not know his kids, but he says he has 3 at home that need him. If I can be there for ow and we can have a civil relationship, I'd like to be. Does that sound crazy??? I know that he cares nothing for her, and I don't want "them" to have "any kind" of relationship. I'd rather do it myself. My husband wants NOTHING to do with her, but said I can do whatever I want to.
Please pray that I'll make the right decision.<p>BB

I am absolutely amazed at your compassion for exOW. I don't think i will EVER have that much compassion. God is smiling on you. I just wonder if you talk to her, what will you say? Will you try to convince her to give the twins up for adoption or will you try to establish a relationship with the children? If so, will you be able to handle that? Is the reason your husband doesn't want contact with these children because he believes that you wouldn't allow it or that it would hurt you too much? If your husband wants nothing to do with exOW maybe you should let it be. She made her bed hard and she should lie in it. If she knows she can't handle raising four children alone then she should not be so adamant about keeping those kids when it is in no one's best interest.

BB,
You seem to have a heart of gold, I am truly sorry for all you have gone through. I do know what the other woman went through and it was devistating to not have him support me when he was just as much responsible for that baby as I was. Your are right in knowing a womans bond with her children and I can not say, what kind of person she is, I dont know, but I would work day and night if I had to to keep my children. I am fortunate and dont have to work, but sure as heck would if I needed to feed my babies.
I was asked to abort and adopt. and I refused, but told them if they did not want to be a part then fine, but I have a responsibility to unborn child. Now they think she is adorable and a blessing from god.
Your husband may not have a choice but to pay child support and it is his responsibility, but I dont think you should take on the responsibility of caring for OW and children your self, are you prepared for that?
Maybe you could get her to seek counseling through a church. Or her family. I can tell you have love for all people or you would not feel her hurt through your own, not many people can do that. God bless you and you will make the right choice, but take it slow.
By the way, D spent the night first time with OM and his wife last night, and it went beautifully. W sent me an email late last night and said they were both sound asleep and thanked me for giving them a gift.

1lost soul and mom of five
Thank you so much for your advice. My H wants nothing to do with ow or oc, because it reminds him of what he did to me and it tears him up inside. I am not sure whether I can handle it or not, but I don't want her to become angry and this whole thing to blow up in our face. No one knows about the A. We are well known & respected in our town and would rather no one found out. If there was some way to help her with the kids and no one have to know, I would do it in with no regrets. We've lived here all of our lives and have no plans to move. She works in the same building with him in a city 30 miles away and hasn't told anyone either. He believes she will leave it that way, but I feel that if she gets desperate, she may tell everyone. He's also afraid of losing his job, which he loves.
Should I face her now, before she gets desperate?<p>mof, I am so glad everything went well with you D.
May God bless you. I hope things go as well for us. By the way, how do your other children feel about her? Do they know your husbands not the Father? If not, will you tell them? Thanks.

I dont mean this to hurt, but approaching her now with the idea that you and your husband need to keep her quiet, might set her off, I know if someone approached me and said the wrong thing, I would have taken a bill board out. So unless you know her personality. Be very careful. <p> just want you to think before you approach.
as far as my kids go, they are crazy about my daughter and yes they love her and know where she came from and do not care. kids love unconditionaly. They dont hold grudges like we do. My kids know other man as I worked with him many years. and he was around my house alot when i was seperated.

I agree with mom of five...if you approach her and say the wrong thing, it could get ugly. If you feel badly for not necessarily her but for her children, is there anyway you could become something like an anonymous benefactor for her? I mean, if you feel comfortable that exOW is not a person that squanders money and would use it to provide for her children, could you set up some sort of bank draft that would something like an allowance to her? If that's not the kind of help that you were referring to, then maybe you could mail leaflets or pamphlets of local self-help organizations. Just a thought.

butterflybonanza,
You are not even sure the babies are your H. I would really wait until you know for sure they are your H. If she is going to get amino done you can find out before they are born. Maybe, your H should ask her about getting one done.
I really don't think you should confront her. You might say the wrong thing or she might say something to you that might hurt. And if your H does not want anything to do with her and OC, I really would not talk to her because it might create more problems with your H.<p>How is your marriage going?<p>Dawn<p>[ April 13, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>