Hi. Its been a while since I posted here. Maybe two years. I appreciate everyone's help and advice.
My marriage troubles probably started 4 years ago. I have a 5 year old son who I love dearly. My wife of 10 years I care for very much. Outside of my homelife - my business is doing great. But yet, I am still not happy or even excited about it - and I think its because my home life is in shambles.
My wife desperately wants another baby. She has a vision of two kids - always has. She's really very reasonable. But, alas, I do not want another child at all. She won't let us use birth control. I think that was a contributing factor - but now I don't even feel comfortable with her at all physically anymore. So, even when we do have sex I never orgasm. Not even close. I don't think she knows that, and it surprises me too. I'm not impotent- I just can go forever without ever having an orgasm now because I so loathe the process. Just getting close to her at all is hard to do. I guess I've built up an immunity to it. What kind of twisted thing is that?!?!
She's a great friend, a wonderful person, I care about her, and I love my son. Hmphf. That statement was telling by itself. I love her too - I want to love her. Yet I'm treating her awfully and bringing her down by not letting her have what she wants.
And I can't sleep anymore. I've always been a night person - but 3-4am in the morning every night and up at 7-8 is ridiculous. I just can't sleep because I'm stressed about our relationship- and avoiding the bedroom contributes too.
So my whole marriage is slipping apart because I can't be intimate with her - I don't want to. She's miserable because she doesn't want kids 6 years apart. But, thats where we are now, and I'm making her depressed each day by not giving her a child. She fears that soon she won't be able to have another baby.
Reason tells me I shouldn't be this way. I don't know what is wrong nor how to fix it. Anyone out there with the same problem? What do I do?
I guess I'm worried about long term. I know that our relationship is dysfunctional without intimacy. And so I fear having a child - for what if we have a child but then still can't have intimacy? Will we just end up split anyway? I don't want that for two kids. So I wait. I don't approach her. Each month her 'peak time' of the month comes, and she is disappointed by me. Then her period comes, and she is devastated all over again.
I've kinda wrapped myself in a self-catch-22. I won't move forward for fear of the future, knowing that if I don't move forward, I lose everything anyway. What the hell is wrong with me? I once was normal. Now my life is completely in knots. I don't want a divorce. I do not want a divorce. I'm miserable being married.
Probably the first piece of advice you'll all have is "talk to her".... yeah yeah, I know. But thats not enough. I have tried. Its a delicate matter. Talking so far has been unhelpful to me, and leaves her feeling humiliated, unwanted, unsatisfactory, and in tears. I don't have specific things I want her to do or change. I just know i don't like it the way it is. How can I talk to her without knowing what I even want her to do?
Anyone else ever had this problem?
-dmw
I know she's been on this board before too. I don't think she knows my name here. I wonder if she'll recognize this. If she does, I hope she'll forgive me and not be insulted. I know the problem is all me and not her.
