I am 4 1/2 months pregnant w/my 2nd child, only son due mid-sept. Out of the misery of my divorce (due to my H's many affairs) I fell into an A w/a MM who had been a good friend for years. I am grateful that the A is over, it was crazy and dishonest, but I did end up pregnant and could not terminate even though much urged to, threatened etc. by MM and his wife.<p>I was hoping that the baby would be my husband's, but a recent indepth ultrasound revealed clues that point much more towards the MM, so I think that I am going to have to bring a paternity suit against him when the baby is born. I don't want to do this, but finances force me into this.<p>My question is this--the MM has made it clear that he "isn't the father" b/cause he "doesn't want to be the father"--i will probably be successful in gaining legal recognition of his paternity as well as financial support--but I feel terrible that he is going to turn his back on his first born son and second child. Are there other people out there who faced similar circumstances and what did they do? just cope and ignore his ignoring of his son? what do I tell my son. The MM wants me to lie to my son his entire life and tell him that he is my ex-H's child.<p>My ex-H knows that the baby might not be his so I am not hiding this from him at all.<p>I don't want the MM to be my son's father any more than he does, but it seems impossible to ignore the biological fact. Also, although the A was wrong and we both deeply regret it--it was based on a long-term friendship and we felt "in love" at the time of conception--in other words this wasn't a casual lust A or one-night-stand--the baby was conceived in love even though in that love was wrong.

there are many who have gone through exactly what you are now, there are also many who will argue the responsibility of father. read through some of the responses on this board you will get a lot of insight.
I have been through the exact same thing and it is hard but there are ways to work through it. sometimes it doesnt turn out the way you expect. take a deep breath and worry about your health and having a healthy baby, the rest will follow. and never feel guilty about getting support from the father he owes it to you. let me know if i can help.

Justine,<p>You really need to think this whole thing through before you make any decissions! I have sort of been in your shoes, but xOM doesn't even know that I was pregnant, and my H and I have been working through our problems, and H is raising Abbi as his own! What I am going to say next may seem harsh, but I have been there, and know what it feels like, so at least take it in that way. I feel that from all of your pain that I see in this post about what to do or tell your S as he gets older would be a sign for me. I know it's your first S, but have you considered adoption. No, it's not giving your S away, cause you don't love him, it is because you do love him but can't support him financially! H and I gave a child up for adoption before we were married, I have been through the pain, I know what it's like to wonder about that child as it grows up! But, I also know that the child is in a much better place than we could have provided at that time! There are SO many families who are completely unable to have biological children of their own, but would love to have a child to raise!<p>Yes, you do have every right to "go after" the xMM for support, but what is that going to end up doing to you and your children? You can't force anyone to be a parent, regardless of what the DNA says! It is do-able, but it won't be an easy road, no matter what you decide! Just offering my $0.02. I'm really not trying to offend you, just showing you another side of the coin.<p>Tigger

Adoption is a great choice, IF you feel you are not able to take care of a baby and give him a loving home, and take care of his needs. I dont think you should make a choice just based on the fact that this man is selfish and doesnt want to take responsibility for his actions.
There is nothing wrong with expecting him to pay child support ? any one think of a reason he shouldnt? You dont know that he wont change his mind, he is in shock right now,. Dont make a decision either way thats going to effect you the rest of your life with out thinking through.
If it turns out he doesnt ever want to be in his S 's life then he is better off, but your son can still have a fulfilled life, and who is to say you wont fall in love and marry someone who would make an awesome father.

This is my opinion, from a wife whose H had an affair and conceived a child. The fact of this child's existence pains me daily.The affair, and the child, have ruined my life, and my family's life. I want no part of that child's life. Because of this, my H does not have a part in this child's life. The child, and your child, will forever be associated with betrayal and breaking up a family and a marriage. No, it is not the child's fault, but he/she is a product of two wrongful parents. If you keep the child, your child may face these ugly facts once he grows up. Yes, many single women raise wonderful adults, but who could say that being raised by two parents would not be better for the child, albeit perhaps difficult for you to give child up? Yes, because of our laws, you can make the MM pay up, and support the child.But your child will want more of MM, and he will not necessarily get it. Then how will you explain that the reason MM and his family may not be involved is because what you and his father did was wrong and they are protecting their family, like the OC, innocents in this? I think your child would be best served by adoption, as others have suggested. You are not laying out a nice road for your child if you choose to keep him.

My position for adoption is documented throughout my posts over the past three years and remains unwavering to this day for a myriad of reasons.<p>You are in the enviable position of being able to call all the shots. As a Betrayed Spouse, it pains me that I am forced to pay out hundreds of dollars a month for a child that should have been mine, as I am the only person on this planet entitled to have my own husband's child.<p>As a Betrayed Spouse, I resent that another woman has had the luxury of changing my life as I knew it, forever, whether I stay with my husband or not. With the OW having the ability to make all these decisions, all the determinations, from having sex with my husband, conceiving a child by my husband, getting to decide whether or not to go through with the pregnancy, getting to decide if she keeps it, and then decides to hold us financially hostage for two decades because she decides to keep it is something so grossly unfair and distasteful to me that my stand is now and always has been and always will be very rigid. After all, no one asked me if it was OK to screw my husband, have a child by him, keep it and then hit me up for huge bucks for the next 18 years, changing the landscape of my marraige, my life, my family, my feelings, causing me the most horrific pain I've even endured that just won't go away. I didn't get to call even one shot. Someone else, a stranger, an interloper, made all the decisions for me. <p>Betrayed Spouses have absolutely nothing to say about any of the decisions, none of the OW's rarely care one lick how any of this effects us or our children or our marriage or our families, and then we end up paying huge amounts of money for monthly support that far exceeds the need and hurts our family in the process with the extortion mandated by the corrupt support system.<p>The part that really gets me is that after all this that the OW and WS puts the BS through, the OW whines and complains that the WS doesn't want contact with the child. Not only do they ruin our lives in every area from emotional to financial, they want and demand more ...for the good of the child. They want "involvement". They want, and expect it all, and are sorely disappointed and resentful that they aren't going to get it all.<p>Most WS's never expected for the OP to get knocked up, nor did they ever want that to happen, and although they feel obligation and are sometimes torn about what to do, their first allegeance and loyalty is to their spouse and the children from that marriage...and to no one else.<p>If the BS cannot handle WS's "involvement" with the OC, it should not be expected. If you decide to keep your OC, then keep your OC and make the best of it and don't expect to have it all. If your spouse is willing to raise it as his own, drop to your knees in gratitude that your son has a chance at a normal life in a cohesive two parent family without outside interference and let your family and his move forward in peace.<p>Naturally, the BEST thing for EVERYONE involved, including and especially the child, is for adoption, but since that happens less and less lately, make a good home for him. If you can afford it.<p>I am sorry for your dilemma.

unhappy, catnip,
I can see this has caused you great pain, it is obvious by your post, but I dont think all situations are the same, and you seem to forget your husband had a big part in the making of those children. why shouldnt they be responsible. Your husband made the decision to betray you as well. so we should blame the OW and not the H.
The OM and I will tell my daughter she was concieved out of love and we both love her with all our heart. OM would never let any one sa anthing negative to her, and neither would my husband. I made the right choice to keep her, she is surrounded by three families that love her, My husband and his family, my family and OM'S family. We do birthdays together, he calls and checks on her every day, the W makes clothes for her, checks on her every day, sends her cards and letters. takes her shopping. I am not saying it isnt hard at times for her or me, but we work on it for the sake of the baby. Because like it or not, he and I have a child together and we both owe that child a healthy happy productive life. It is sad that people can have a child and not care enough about that baby to do anything about it.
AND as far as the OW not caring about BS's feelings, I dont belive that to be true either, I never told then they had to pay a dime, we just ignored it, went on about our business, they made all these decisions themselves.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Adoption is a great choice, IF you feel you are not able to take care of a baby and give him a loving home, and take care of his needs. I dont think you should make a choice just based on the fact that this man is selfish and doesnt want to take responsibility for his actions. <hr></blockquote><p>Adoption is a great choice, period. Even if you happen to have unlimited financial resources. Adoptive parents are extremely appreciative of the opportunity to raise a child, and usually do a terrific job.<p>Justine, if you do decide that adoption is a viable option, then I would suggest that you do a paternity test on the baby after birth. Legally, you will need the permission of the father to give this baby up for adoption.<p>If you choose to raise the child, you'll be doing it in a fatherless situation, unless you get married. That's difficult, but certainly not impossible. But you will constantly struggle about what to tell your child---why his father wants nothing to do with him, how could you have a child outside of a marriage (this "conceived in love" crap doesn't hold much weight, and sets a very poor example for your child's future relationship).<p>It will be a struggle. If you are strong and moral, you will be able to get through it and give your child a good chance to be a successful adult (set a good example). But if you're really not up to changing your ways and dealing with the consequences of your actions, then adoption will give the child a better shot at a normal life.

I think because you are so bitter, you are putting your personal situation off on someone who may or may not want to give there baby away. If she does, then I think that is great, Better for the baby. But if she doesnt, I dont think shoving adoption down her throat is gonna make a difference.
And yes MY daughter was concieved out of love, If I didn want her, she would have been aborted. and she has my husband as a daddy and she has OM for a father and neither one would give up that position. She has a normal happy life, infact she brings joy to us all. We dont fight over her, we communicate well, and Yes even though she was concieved out of wed lock, it is not just the other womans fault, it take two and these men are big boys, they know what it takes to make a baby. The other man and his wife, are good to her, and are not a shamed of her, They take her to church with them, and many other places and do not hide the fact that she is his daughter and that she has a different mother.

and why should she be the only one dealing with these consequenses/

Mom of five,<p>It's great that this has worked out with you. I'm not bitter at all---I have been blessed with this third child, who I love very deeply. I think the one who's carrying a chip on their shoulder is YOU. You seem to not even acknowledge adoption as an alternative (and a good one). And I see the angry "why should the MAN not have to deal with consequences" thread.<p>Frankly, I'm not so interested in consequences, punishment, retribution, etc. What I would like to see, in general, is what is best for the children and the families involved. In most cases, it's difficult to have "everyone" involved (family, OP, child) because of the pain of the betrayal, and the very real possibility of a rekindling of an affair.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>...someone who may or may not want to give there baby away...<hr></blockquote><p>Most people don't want to "give" their child away. But when you try to frame this issue in the "what is best for the child", you'll find that sometimes adoption makes sense. I actually don't know what Justine wants, other than it's clear that she doesn't want to abort the child (and good for her--that's something I entirely support).<p>Justine's situation is one in which the father does not appear willing to establish a relationship with the child. And that's a situation that he and his wife need to make (via POJA)---and if they do choose that, then Justine's child with be "fatherless". Based on that, I certainly think that Justine should consider adoption as a viable alternative---not because she "wants to", but for the good of the child.<p>No bitterness, rancor, letting a no good rotten MM off the hook. Just looking out for the child's interest.

YOUR RIGHT K ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES PLEASE

I agree with MOF. no where in Justine's post did I read where she didn't want this baby. She just wishes it wasn't the OM's child. It takes two people to make a baby but it takes just one commited parent to raise a normal happy well adjusted child. The normal "leave it to Beaver " conventional families, where mom and dad are both there, while being totally wonderful are giving way for room for more unconventional types of families. sad? yeah, but fact.<p>peace...it's humpday!!!

Justine,
I do wish you the best in your situation. I know that it must be very hard for you. Sometimes because of circumstances, we all do things that we wish we had not done. We can stop doing it. We can ask forgiveness, but sometimes even afterwards there is a price to pay. And in cases such as this, the one who did wrong also hurts others. You are not the only one in your situation who did wrong. I totally agree that the mm was wrong here, and if I read that you were not married then I think he was even MORE wrong than you. He had an obligation to ONE woman, and although you may be a dear friend...you are not his ONE woman. <p>But this is why friendships with the opposite sex have to be monitored so carefully. Usually friends who are opposite sex have a spark/attraction for each other whether or not it is mentioned. Be honest with yourself about that. It is not wrong to be attracted to someone or to accept their empathy in your pain. It is wrong to pursue it further or to allow them to pursue it further. You and mm have allowed a good relationship to go too far; you have both done wrong. He has also wronged his family. You obviously see that. Well, it is the past and nothing we can do to change that part. We can point fingers at spouse and other person. Okay, that feels good. Now let's see your question was what to do about the future.<p>Justine, you are in a position to affect many people. The child is an innocent victim. So is mm's family and husband's family and your family. They all have had no choices in this matter at all. MM and mostly you have all the cards. I agree that the father has an obligation to the child. Adoption is an option. It's not for everyone, but you are looking at the best interest of the child, right? Don't do something that you are not comfortable with, but do consider it. I think of it as helping a child to survive. Like tossing your child through a window of a burning building- it may get hurt, but it will certainly be hurt if it stays in the fire. Anyway about it, that is a hard call. You know your situation. You know if you can love and provide for this child on your own. If you think that you can in your present circumstances provide best for the child, then you should keep it. But realize that you are making the decision alone. <p>And please do not make this decision based on possibly having mm in your life later on. Please do not use this innocent child as a pawn, a tool to be friends or more with its father. Many women do that, not all, please don't be one. It is unfair to all. <p>Sure things could change. You may get help from your ex husband. Or mm may decide to be involved. Or another man may step in and be the best daddy one could imagine. Or you may decide to get involved with a great organization like BigBrothers. You may get out of the fire, but right now you are the only certainty for the child. Make sure that you can live with that. <p>If I were you, the first thing I would do is confirm the paternity. You seem fairly sure, but hey, it might be less complicated if it were your husband's child. Oh and btw, in my state any child that is born within 300 days of a divorce is automatically ex's child. It's a law to help legitimize children born out of wedlock. If that's the case in your state, your ex will have to deny paternity after birth. That is, if he wants to. He might want to be father. Have you asked him? <p>Anyway, suppose he doesn't. Well, mm has said that he doesn't want to be father. You'd have to force the issue. And you're right, that wouldn't be so tough. So you go through the court or whatever method is easiest and cheapest for you and get child support. Oh and in the process you and ex and mm families get a lot of attention drawn to you and probably hurt feelings and anger between you during the process. No not always, but many times. But finally you get child support.<p>Well, mm says he doesn't want to be involved with child. He is telling you that it was fun to play around, but now that he has been slapped in the face with reality he wishes it had not happened. He knows now and has chosen his responsibility to his family. He chooses no contact with this child. That is also his right. And you can't force that part. But you've got mm's money every month. Are you happy? Is mm happy? Are you still friends? Is oc happy? To all of the above, probably not. But the child support will definitely help you out, and it is mm's legal responsibility to provide for this child. <p>As far as what to tell the child. Well, personally I don't think you should lie. The child won't want any information for a few years, which will help. But when child is old enough to understand, I would tell him the truth sugar coated enough so he doesn't go screaming into next week, but the truth. I have a friend who has recently had to do this. It hurt her a lot to see her child in pain and asking about his father so often. She told him that his father did not want to be with her. She did not tell him that his father would have stayed if the child had been aborted. It hurt...all of them. But the father chose no contact. He has another family now. It doesn't make any sense. He pays child support, but there's no contact. This child does have lots of other good men in his life. And I think that's important. I'm sure you've heard it takes sperm to be a father and love to be a daddy. Children need the love relationship. Others on this board have raised children to adulthood with no contact. It will be tough, but it can be done. Some very knowledgeable and wise ladies will be telling you that soon. Watch for their postings.<p>I know that sometimes it works out great. It may for you. It seems to have worked out wonderfully for MomOfFive. I'm sure there are others too. But my point is, don't count on others to make your life grand. Don't count on your husband and your lover getting along great or raising your child. Don't count on winning the lottery or inheriting a fortune. Sure, it could happen. I think the odds for the lottery are something like fourteen million to one. It could happen. Your ex, mm, or someone else may step in and plop you into a castle. Publisher's Clearing House may be at your door right now. But maybe not. Point is right now you have your present circumstances and you. That's it. Things could change, but count on what you have now and yourself. Hope for the best and try really hard to get what is best for BOTH children in your life, but count on yourself. <p>Before my husband's affair I was happy and positive. Now I am different. (Pollyanna is dead.) I don't mean to sound negative. I still believe we can make lemonade, but I do mean to sound practical. <p>Good luck. I know you're hurting. You have a hard road before you. But take it one step at a time. Take care of your health, your fetus, and your daughter. Realize where you have gone wrong. Ask forgiveness of those you should. And go and sin no more. My husband has cried to me how he wishes that he could go back and change the past. He can't though and neither can you. But you can affect your future (and the futures of a few others). And you can be an example for people down the road. You may be able to raise and provide for a perfectly healthy well adjusted child all by yourself. If so, terrific. If not, there are other options. Either way, you can help others and say "I've been there and I've done that, let me tell you my story and help you choose the best path". <p>I hope that regardless of what happens in the future with fatherhood, you will tell your child the truth in his timing and with loving words. And Justine, pray. Pray that God will show you the best path for everyone. Pray that you will have the strength to do what is right. And pray that you will have peace when you do His will.<p>[ April 17, 2002: Message edited by: aimee2 ]</p>

EXCELLENT Post Aimee [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

mom of five, I am glad things are going so fine for all your families. I am glad for you it is working out.But just because it is working out for you, does not mean it would work out for all. I was merely expressing my thoughts and my feelings. Of course the H conceived the child with the OW--but unlike when we had children, it was not a mutual decision to have the child, conceive the child, bear the child and raise the child. He asked, repeatedly, for the OW to either abort the child, or give child up for adoption. HIs decision was rendered mute-he had no say in any of the decisions. In my case, the OW wanted the child at all costs-has even said so. Now, she complains of raising the child alone. Hello? She was warned of the amount of work in raising children by my H-and she is not able to economically or emotionally able to raise child alone. It did not matter.She , having no children up until that point, wanted the child-because she wanted the child. NOt necessarily for what would be best for the child. Which of course was K's point above. It is not unlike starting the affair in the beginning. It was a good idea because the involved people wanted to do it-and look at the mess it has created for all, including the OC. WHat a mess!
I blame the OW not entirely for the conception of the child, but for her decision making regarding the child. ANd for her coming after us for CS in incredible huge amounts, as catnip has described. I live in one of the many community property states that consider all income and bills by married couple to be joint. So, I look at it as this=I am paying for my H and the OW's mistake-and yes, the child was a mistake. YOU may believe you and MM were in love, as my H once did,and the child was conceived in love, but what kind of love starts out in secret, in rendezvous no one knows, with no manifestation of it to anyone but the two of you? A love that hurts the BS and family if a family exists? NOt a love I would want, nor want to bring a child into. NOt for me.
My H never wanted a child with OW-he admits that, and his children with me were always wanted by both of us. Sought after, worked painfully hard for. That is a huge difference.<p>In my case, the OW now wants eveyrone to accept her child-me, my family, etc. Why? I had no say in her relationship with my H, in the stupid conception of the child ( My H says the conception was just plain stupidity on his part) and in the decision of the OW to hurt more by keeping child. Now, I can't control what she does, anymore than she can control what I do. But I certainly can decide who interacts with me, my family, my life. I could not decide about the affair starting out, but I certainly can decide what I will do about the outcome. And I choose no contact with OC. Period. I doubt I will change my mind.The needs of the OC do not supersede my needs nor my kids' needs. ANd sorry, I will not be welcoming to OC. It is too painful a reminder of who interfered in my marriage-the OW.<p>My H is paying for his mistake, with such outrageous CS that it pains me monthly. I can never get away from the betrayal, and feeling that the OW cared less about the effects on me and my family. The fact my H kept it a secret for so long tells me, that he felt trapped by the relationship, the child, etc. and knew how badly he hurt me.The OW, however, could have cared less. All she cares about is frankly, keeping my H. She thought they would be like normal co parents and stay as friends. Does she honestly believe , when my H wishes to be with me, friendship with her is an option?
Mom of five, your relationship with MM and his wife is most unusual.Do they have kids and what do they think of this arrangement? It may work for you, but I am not willing to try such an arrangement. I am not willng to hurt my kids any more than they have already. They deserve better. Just my opinion.

Every situation is different, I just dont think every one should assume that justine giving her baby away is the best answer just because the baby was a suprise.
I know those of you in this mess, did not choose, it, but when your husband had unproted sex, or any sex, he put himself at risk to have a child with this woman, so now that she is pregnant, he should just be able to walk away and say oops? I was lucky, I dont need money and I am perfectly capable of parenting all my childen, and I am a very devoted mother, and NO I could not concieve of giving her away, so I made the choice to keep her and do this alone, My husband made the choice to stay by my side and be her father.
If a parent is not able to care for a child then NO she should not have a child, and yes children are lots of work, We have 5 so I certainly know that. But I dont think we should scare some girl into giving up her baby because she hears all this mess, not every one has a situation that cant be fixed, and frankly if you are that bitter, then you have no business in that babys life, and no one should expect you to. But some are capable of this and I have read about many here who are trying.
Yes my daughters father has children and so does his wife, No they have NO children together. His children are my age and so are hers. They have chosen to love my D as a sister. we exchange updates and silly things she does on a regular basis. WE each have pictures of her, they have even chosen to have a picture of me in her room so she would feel that she was at home with them as well. W and I are still working through issues, but we talk calmly and work through them, but she has told me when she thought all she could do was hate, God has made her love my daughter and she has truly shown nothing but love for her. None of this is perfect.
I didnt say every ones life would run as smoothly, this is not smoothe, we have worked through alot. And decided for the good of our daughter we would all move past and that step mother as well as my husband could be of great benefit to my daughter.
Not every one makes all those choices with out reguard to every one else, I thought of others, but I loved my unborn child as much as I do my other children INCLUDING THE ONE WE ADOPTED.
I didnt make OM do anything he did not want to do. He is crazy about her, they have her picture displayed all over the house, and in his office, and the W is the one who did this.
Unusual yes..... I just dont want any one going through a difficult time, to think she has no options. This is hard for her as well, and yes we are all working on our marriage, I work every day to make my husband feel loved, and sure of himself, But someone doesnt get pregnant alone, and if she needs help then she should ask for it. If she keeps her baby, then she should use all her resources she has, her family and friends for support, her minister( yes ,god fearing people make mistakes too) her friends and give her son and daughter a good life. Love them and and take care of them and they will grow up and respect you for that, and you dont have to be ashamed, if dad was a deadbeat.
I can tell you this, OM'S children and family have more respect for him now for doing for his child and taking care of her, than they did, when he was going to just run away. I haven't heard one negative thing from them.
I know they teach on this site, NO contact if that is what is needed, But it is hard for me to believe so many think two wrongs make a right.

momoffive,<p>I'm really, honestly so very happy that God brought good out of your situation for everyone involved, and that the adults are able to work it out in a reasonable manner. Praises to Him!<p>The problem which you are not seeing is that not all adults CAN be reasonable, and sometimes it is the circumstances which prevent the happy senario you portray. Many wives on this site have posted about the immaturity of an XOW, and I am not so blind as to think there are not MM's wives who are also immature. There are times when the best interests of the child is to STOP FIGHTING between the parents, unless there is a good chance the other parent can get full custody and should due to neglect of the custodial parent.<p>It's great that everything worked out for your situation... but every situation is different. I hope you can open your eyes to other peoples' stories, experiences, and heartaches. I've read a lot in my years here.<p>Gonna stop for now,
J
(only contact w/OC is via mail)

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>..... but I did end up pregnant and could not terminate(1) even though much urged to, threatened etc. by MM and his wife.<p>I was hoping that the baby would be my husband's, but a recent indepth ultrasound revealed clues that point much more towards the MM, so I think that I am going to have to bring a paternity suit against him when the baby is born.(2) I don't want to do this, but finances force me into this.<p>My question is this--(3)the MM has made it clear that he "isn't the father" b/cause he "doesn't want to be the father"--i will probably be successful in gaining legal recognition of his paternity as well as financial support--(4)but I feel terrible that he is going to turn his back on his first born son and second child. Are there other people out there who faced similar circumstances and what did they do? just cope and ignore his ignoring of his son? what do I tell my son. The MM wants me to lie to my son his entire life and tell him that he is my ex-H's child.<p>My ex-H knows that the baby might not be his so I am not hiding this from him at all.<p>(5)I don't want the MM to be my son's father any more than he does, but it seems impossible to ignore the biological fact. Also, although the A was wrong and we both deeply regret it--it was based on a long-term friendship and we felt "in love" at the time of conception--in other words this wasn't a casual lust A or one-night-stand--the baby was conceived in love even though in that love was wrong. <hr></blockquote><p>I have numbered and put into italics what I want to comment on, but I felt that all of what I copied for the quote was important to what I have to say.<p>1)If you were urged to terminate by both MM and his W, why are you so surprised that he is not wanting to have anything with this child?<p>2)As I stated in an earlier response, if you cannot financially support this child, then why are you going to force someone else to pay as well? That is the exact reason I offered the advice of adoption! I have not said that you want to give away your child, but to give your child that support that you can't give him yourself! <p>3)You can go all the legal routes, force MM and his family to pay for this child for the next 18 or so years, but there is no court on this earth who can force someone to actually be a parent! I can also see this MM being very resistant to helping you out in ANY way unless forced to do so.<p>4)Unfortunately too much attention is put on the sons! I hate it when I read that a MM who has fathered a child through an A should be so much more involved if it's a boy! Did you know that in China, they are only allowed to have ONE child per family?!?! Did you also know that at least 90% of abortions are proven to be girls, because they so highly value a son?!?! To me, and so many others, it doesn't matter what the gender is! The child deserves to have someone who loves it be the Daddy!<p>5)If you don't want MM to be the father, there are two things you can do. First and foremost, adoption! Then you don't have any worries about MM being the father! Second, find another man who has a huge heart and will love this little boy as his own! It can be done! Either way, I really don't think you will have too much to worry about with MM signing away his parental rights to anyone else!<p>For those of you who have repeatedly put adoption in a bad light, I have been there! I know the pain you have, basically for the rest of your life, of "Did I do the right thing?" and all the other questions. No, I did not "give" our D "away"! I gave her a better life! I was too young, unmarried, could barely support myself on my paycheck, I could go on and on about it, but the true fact is, and always will be, I gave her a life where the parents can support her for the rest of her life, had been married for years, unable to have children of their own, and had gone through at least 2 other adoptions where the birth mother changed her mind before that 72 hour waiting period was over! They showed through their history of waiting lists and failed adoptions, that they would be better parents for our D than we could have been at that time! We didn't even know if we would be getting married ever! I am not judging Justine, just telling her from experience, that adoption isn't as bad as everyone else seems to make it out to be! It was an option for us as well, but Sailorman didn't want to see me go through that pain again, and we have been happy with our decission! In Justine's case, she is ALONE in her decission, as they are divorced. <p>If you are so against this MM being involved in your S's life, then don't take him to court, because you are actually giving him a legal reason to force visitation that you may not want. Just think of everything before you act. You have 3 1/2 months till anything major has to be decided.<p>Tigger<p>P. S. I'm not trying to offend anyone here, just that this bashing adoption is killing me!

I have re-read this thread several times trying to find adoption bashing...considering the sensitive nature of these issues is it safe to say at times we just read and interpret what it is we want to see or hear?