CM,<p>THis is going to be very HARSH. So don't read it if you cannot take it.<p>What you seem to think is HATRED. Is not! That is the point that most here have been trying to tell you. You see people venting and in pain, BUT
you are seeing people who are trying to rebuild their marriages and love for their WS's. And in some cases their BS's.<p>The whole point of landing on you and believe me, you are a CHILD in my eyes, is to get you to see that you are so busy defending yourself and your point of view, that you are missing something very important. These people are here to help each other and YES you, if you want some help.<p>You clearly haven't been paying much attention to what I or others have said. Instead you respond with a post just as you did to me. I didn't tell you what you have to do. I am suggesting to you what I think you ought to do.<p>But, more importantly, why don't you sit back for a second and quit transfering your anger here and place it in the direction it belongs. Why don't you sit back and ASK someone some questions.<p>There have been a FEW instances here where you have actually carried on a conversation without all of the name calling and judgements you seem so prone to do. <p>Yup! I sure did mean to get to you be comparing you to one of my teenagers. How did you like it?? Not very well. I am not surprised. Most of the BS's here (I will repeat this to you yet again, I am not a BS) don't like being called "filled with hate" and people that hate children. They are not.<p>So if you would like some help. Would like to discuss the pro's and con's of telling your H. Would like to discuss strategies of how to tell your H. Perhaps would like some pointers of what to do and not to do. Why don't you ask?<p>Everyone including Catnip will be willing to help you or at least discuss things with you. You won't agree with all of the suggestions. Fair enough. You may not even like some of the suggestions. Fair enough.<p>But, rather than defending the indefensible why not really use this board for what it can be: a valuable resource for you. A sounding board for you. You might, if you really take time to read and think about what is posted, come to like some of the people here and I am sure there will be many that will like you.<p>CM, we know you are under pressure. We suspect that there may even be some guilt involved. Most anyone with a bit of compassion realizes that you are in a very difficult place with regard to your marriage and child. Almost ALL agree your H has been allowed to steam full ahead into the awaiting icebergs. And know where he will be for a long while afterwards.<p>So think about it.<p>God Bless,<p>JL<p>PS: I will tell you that your excuse for the A that otherwise you would be divorced is really weak. You have done nothing to work on the marriage for 6 years and now think that having the OM's child and 6 years of lies has saved your marriage. Do you see why I and perhaps other posters think you haven't gotten the full picture yet?? Most here would have suggested rather than have an A, that you worked on the marriage and with no children divorce if you couldn't have worked it out. Instead OM's family and your H has been cheated big time. Sorry, please don't try that excuse on your H, I don't think you will like his response.

I think it would be a most difficult thing to do. Yes you are very right, but cmiranda, just think of the pain it will cause further down the road. The pain will be magnified times ten.
Your husband may already have clues... I have found that my instincts were always on the money when ever I thought something was going on. And he in turn sorta new that i was way to close to my best friend. So things we think we are sparing our spouses are hurting them with out us even telling them. I think I would take the children to a family memeber or friends for the evening and sit with husband at home and tell him what happened. DID you do paternity testing? That should be done first.
Share with him but dont make excuses for your behavior, he wont want any. If you feel the need, then do it with a MC.

CM,
I was wondering does your son look like you? If he does not really look like then maybe yout H will start to question.<p>As a BS I believe it is better to know then to live a lie. yes I am angry at my H and have all these feelings but if he would of waited I believe it would have been worse for me. I believe it would have eaten my H up inside if he kept this a secret.<p>I believe the first few years are the hardest but it does get better with time.<p>Everyone here are in different stages of recovery. If you go back and read some of the posts, there are people here whoose marriages are better then before the A.<p>I believe, once people get to the point when they can say they are truly happy in their marriage they don't come here that often to post. It can bring back old feelings and set them back.<p>
Dawn<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>

CM:<p>Darn! I hate to see this! I like you, I really do!<p>"I am re-thinking telling H."<p>Please tell your H! (with guidance from a GOOD Counselor).<p>"I'm afraid that he'll become a person so full of bitterness and hate, and I'm not so worried that it will be directed at me. I'm worried that he'll just carry it around and turn it on himself or most likely OM. I see it here and it seems to be all consuming. It seems like the spouses who know know are full of bad feelings that don't go away."<p>He probably will experience a lot of that, if he's anything like me (and from what I can see, a lot of other people on this forum). But don't forget what ELSE you've seen here. Speaking for myself (but reflected in ALL of the other BS that post to this forum), the first emotions I felt on D-day were: 1) the most intense hurt I've ever felt in my entire lifetime, 2) an intense outpouring of love for my WW that made me say NO!! when she offered to leave at that moment, and has guided me every minute of every waking day since D-day to work toward rebuilding our M, EVEN WHEN she didn't see anything wrong with continuing her EA with OM without my knowledge, and 3) yes, anger. Anger at her, anger at OM, anger at myself for being such a "chump". But the anger is far less intense, has been the whole time, than the hurt and the love. I think most BSs would agree with this ranking, or maybe if they don't, they've simply reacted by throwing the WS out and never found this board to post to and so we're not hearing about them. I think a lot of the apparent focus on OMs, including what you perceive to be bitterness, is due to the fact that, once their Ms have recovered, most likely get on with their lives and stop posting. So you're hearing from people that are "in the thick of it," so to speak with regard to ending As and rebuilding Ms.<p>"And in part, I feel as if they don't understand the A at all. If I told my H how I really feel, as I have here, how can I expect him to understand? "<p>Does he need to?? I don't need to understand my W's A in much detail because that's not what's important to me NOW and for the FUTURE. Sure, I need to know certain details - like did an infection I had 8 years ago have anything to do with their PA? I have a God-given right to know that (and I'm an atheist [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .) No, the details of her A are not that important. What's important is whether we have a future or not. I NEED to know that as soon as possible, because frankly I ENJOY the sharing that we had when our M was good for the first 15 years. If we can get that close again for the future, then I'm in with both hands and feet, and our M will be all the more rewarding for the experience. If not, then I will eventually be able to devote myself to other relationships, starting with my kids, but possibly including another M. <p>The point is, I now have a CHOICE of what I want our future to be, and I WANT our M, even though I know my W had an 11-year EA/PA with a colleague, who's M'd and has a family of his own. (but I had NO CHOICE during the previous 11 years, and that's simply not fair.) <p>Getting back to the anger issue, I'm less angry with OM than disgusted with him, because he couldn't have been M'd more than a year or two, with a new baby, when he and my W started their A.
Rebuilding trust and respect in my W is going to be difficult, but I've wanted to do that more than anything from square one because I love her. "Rebuilding" anything with respect to trusting or caring about OM whatsoever is not something that I care to do, but I don't hate him. I DO realize that my W still cares about him, and I DON'T EXPECT that I can make her "stop" caring about him, which is another reason I shouldn't hate him. But the fact that she'll care about him and be reminded of that whenever they meet or talk is the reason for breaking the contact once and for all. So it's not just for my protection, but for hers as well.

cmiranda,
you are definitely in la la land. for you to even state that if your husband feels half the feelings these people are feeling that he would lose you--just shows how unfeeling--cold person you are. it seems you are still only looking out for yourself and what is best for you. why is it that you cant give your husband and child the respect they deserve to know the whole truth and make their life choices. how can you possibly think you can have a good marriage or relationships based on lies. the truth will set you free (i think ive heard that somewhere--ha ha)
i am serious though--think about it--you are making all the decisions--you are not giving them any choices--show a little respect or your marriage wont have a chance, how can you rebuild it on your own.......
fh

CM,<p>Have you noticed how many people have been posting to you on this and the other thread?? I hope so.<p>I hope you realize that it isn't because everyone likes to argue. I think if you ask them all, they are worried about your marriage, and your child. They offer advice because they do care CM.<p>They all care. Now you may not care for their advice, or the way they deliver it, but make no mistake about it they care. <p>I cannot speak for anyone else, but I would love to see you post that your marriage is on the mend, your H knows and accepts both your child and the marriage. That you are very happy with life and that you are moving on.<p>That would just make my day. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] My guess is it would make everyone elses day as well.<p>So read these posts in the manner they were intended, to help you one way or another.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

CM,
I am sure you have heard this said over and over and in many ways. You may continue to hear it over and over again, but here goes.
I am unfamiliar how to quote you so I will speak in somewhat generalities. One of your posts on this thread calls some BS naive because they think the A was all about sex and not about love. This may be true, but just as you are trying to make your way through these difficult times, so are all BS.
It is extremely difficult to hear a WS tell a BS that it is about love. The cat claws come out without us being able to control them. We understand that you are trying to explain why you feel the way that you do.
However, we are in a tremendous amount of pain. The roller coaster ride makes us nauseous at best and to hear that the marriage we are fighting to maintain and come out on top of includes fighting another woman that our H love?
Some things are better left unsaid or at least in a much more delicate way. Many of us are aware that there were/are emotions involved with the A, especially when another child is involved. But we do not need to hear it from a person who has been involved in that such affair.
This is not meant to be an attack on you, CM. But please hear those of us when we start to attack, that your words are knives that we cannot defend ourselves from right now. If you choose to continue to throw in our face how wonderful an affair is, we will surely continue to come back like wildcats defending our territory.
Just my 2-cents.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Just Learning:<p>"I will tell you that your excuse for the A that otherwise you would be divorced is really weak.."<p>I did read your post but not alot of time to respond today. As you can imagine I don't agree with competely with your opinion. Some yes, some no. But the above quote struck me enough to say my truth. It isn't an excuse. It is my truth. I wasn't working on my M for the 6 years I was with OM. But I felt happier then than I had in a long time. When I met OM H was preparing to move out of our house. But I became indifferent to him leaving so he stayed. Why didn't I care? Because I had this other relationship that I poured a good amount of energy into and got alot out of for a long time. Alot that I had wished H would have given me unfortunately that wasn't the case then. So, for me, the A did prolong the M and throughout it's duration, over time, I changed. When the time came for me to see that A needed to end, I had been been through several life experiences with my H that rekindled my feelings for him to a point that I believed that I can be in love with him again and that he's the right guy for me. Thats why I found this site to begin with. I'm sorry that you don't buy it but I'm not looking to sell anything to you. That is what I know for myself and that's all. I'm no child.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mom of five:
<strong>I think it would be a most difficult thing to do. Yes you are very right, but cmiranda, just think of the pain it will cause further down the road. The pain will be magnified times ten.
Your husband may already have clues... I have found that my instincts were always on the money when ever I thought something was going on. And he in turn sorta new that i was way to close to my best friend. So things we think we are sparing our spouses are hurting them with out us even telling them. I think I would take the children to a family memeber or friends for the evening and sit with husband at home and tell him what happened. DID you do paternity testing? That should be done first.
Share with him but dont make excuses for your behavior, he wont want any. If you feel the need, then do it with a MC.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I have sensed at times that he may suspect something, not about child but of A because we've had some hard times together and he seemed to have this look whenever anyone mentioned the name of my lover who H knew as my friend. Maybe just little jealously, I'm not really sure. But you make a good point and I will think about it as I do everything you suggest. You seem to know me. The paternity test is a good idea, but in my case, there is no need for one. Son looks like OM.
I wish I could spare H because I finally got my head in place and decide to work on M. Soon it'll be off in a ditch again.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by tryin4sainthood:<p>I hear what you are saying. the OW or WS don't hold all the power. The BS have a much stronger position than is depicted here more often than not.
I'm not looking to say things to be hurtful. I've had alot of the same slung at me and I do realize that it sure appears to be said out of bitterness. On all sides of this tangled web. I speak of the love that was b/w me and op in my A only because it's been suggested to me over and over that it didn't exist. I get on the same line of defense as you all do. I may not feel this way forever, but right now, I don't want to hate my ex-om, I don't want to regret our relationship, yes from the perspective that it was deceitful, I do, but not for the fact that he was my dear friend who I shared alot with and with whom I conceived my first child. I just don't want to feel that awful about him. It is over between us but there is a place for him in my heart. It gets smaller but I don't expect it to disappear entirely. I did love him, however screwy that sounds. My whole feeling has been don't treat me, the ws, like the fog is so thick that I was out to lunch during the relationship and then make excuses for me. My ex always said that there were 2 of us there in it, both equally responsible and I know this to be true. I say this because how can a M overcome an A if the bs doesn't understand the magnitude of it? That known, you have a better shot at filling up bank of WS. If BS think sex is only thing we get out of it, then you will think, more sex, better sex, etc. I hope I am making sense. If I were facing a ws and trying to rebuild M, having the experience that I do, I'd want to take whatever needs were being met by op and be sure that I met them for my spouse. I realize getting the person to allow you to do this is the big challenge. I know, I lived it and I didn't want any of it from my H during A. But for most of the BS here, the A is over and your chance is open to do this. If spouse is in WD as I am to some degree, the opportunity is still there, it comes and goes, but it is there. If it were me, and I sure hope I'm never a bs, I would take from this experience the things I think would make a difference in really rebuilding M.

CM,<p>Up until now, I didn&#8217;t think I had anything useful/helpful to say. Aside from that, the thread has gotten so long that I didn&#8217;t want to duplicate info. I&#8217;ll admit that I haven&#8217;t read all the responses. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I know there is a lot going on here. So, I will attempt to refrain from "jumping in" and hashing/rehashing a lot of the things I have no authority on.<p>I am not a BS. I'm the OW with the OC. My opinions, thoughts, suggestions, etc. do not come from experiencing the "betrayal", but rather from looking at what makes sense and what is right...regardless of what I want. What has helped me a lot is placing myself in the BS's shoes, no matter how difficult it could be. When I couldn't figure something out, I would come here and ask for feed back. How would I have reacted if it were MY H or SO cheating? How would I feel about the OP? Thinking of these things placed in the mode to anticipate a response and take it in stride, instead of reacting and lashing back. One of the things that strikes me with your situation is the fact that your H doesn't know yet. Often times, people withhold critical information out of the desire to protect their loved ones. For me, I believe I have the right to chose for myself what is best for me. While I can appreciate someone wanting to shield me from pain, it still angers me that they lied or omitted the truth. A solid relationship has to have a strong foundation of trust. If I can't trust my SO to be honest with me at all times, then I cannot trust them at all because they arbitrarily chose what I should and should not know. I do not like others making decisions for me, especially about things that can so significantly impact my life. <p>Only you know your H best, but please think about this. Your marriage consists of two people. It will take those same two people to recover that marriage. CM, you can't do it alone. Right now, it seems to me that your sitting on the sidelines trying to form a gameplan, but you're not including one of the key players...your H.<p>Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.<p>OB1

cmiranda,
i'm a moth too. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
here's my unsolicited bit...
i was just wondering if you plan to tell your husband that the affair was a good thing and perhaps what saved your marriage. i wouldn't. i think that your opinion on that will hurt his feelings more than the knowledge of the affair. it sounds as if you're saying hey honey i did this and oh btw, i'm glad. if you say anything like that i'd say hey honey i did this and i learned from it or something like that. but just be real careful with this subject because it honestly sounds very cocky. and your husband will not receive that well- just as many here are not receiving that well. it's just very touchy. it's kinda like when you tell your child to say he's sorry for something and spits a sorry back at you. the attitude just doesn't feel right. be careful with that. <p>also do you plan to tell him that you love(d) om? he will ask that even if you don't offer. personally i think you've got to admit some feelings of care and tenderness to explain a long term emotional attachment. i am not saying that you should undermine your feelings for om. the feelings themselves will hurt your spouse, but the feelings are not what got you in trouble. i believe that acting on those feelings is the wrong part. anyway, i think that to your husband it would just be polite if you'd avoid the word love in conjunction with om as much as possible. there are other words to use.<p>now maybe your husband will just say oh okay i thought something was fishy well what do we do next. but i'd say there will be more than that. and when you tell him, know that he will not hear everything you say. but make sure the one thing he does hear is that you will do whatever it takes to get the two of you back on track. expect him to be angry and withdrawn at least for a little while. (more angry and hurt than you have witnessed here) he may need time to think alone or even space away from you for awhile. let him have it. this is a big blow. but then regularly let him know that you are available to talk more. when he comes back around, then he will probably ask you a ton of questions. be honest without giving more details than he needs at the moment. i mean let him ask and you answer. but don't go overboard with details and don't get real happy like it's a fun story and don't be real colorful unless he specifically asks for those colorful details. just answer his questions.<p>and please be very humble when you talk to him. getting through to the other side will take some time. this is a big can to open. don't force the issue to be over and done with all in the same sentence no matter how much you want that and no matter how tired you get of him asking you the same questions over and over. you've had a long long time to think about this subject. it will all be new to him. <p>it's good that you've got the mc. tell your husband that you'll do whatever it takes and that going to this mc was your first step. <p>i would have said that you should tell your husband about this site. although maybe you shouldn't. he might read all this, and i think it would hurt him a lot. i don't know. he needs support too. and this is a great place. good luck to you.<p>by the way, i read what justine has posted on other forums. she will have a tough road, but she will be okay. her first post was to tell potential ow not to pursue a relationship with mm. she is mid 40s too, not a kid. her post was a question of what to tell the kid when there was no contact with the bio-dad/ will it grow up okay. i'm afraid she got a harsh intro to our group if she has kept up with this thread. just a shame that her post has been overtaken.
with prayer, aimee

[QUOTE]Originally posted by ohbratti1:<p>Your advice is appreciated. I am right holding off telling H. I was fairly certain about telling him and believed it was for all the reasons you say, the best choice. But over the last week or there about, I have stopped and decided that based on some of the reactions to A's by BS here, I can pretty much expect the same from my H. I do want to rebuild M and I agree, it takes 2 to do that. I do want H to know the magnitude of our problems so that we can really get to the root of it all. If he takes on the same sort of position that in fairness is probably inherent to being a BS giving what it does to a person, then I don't know if I can sentence him to such a life of insecurity and pain. Any myself to being completely misunderstood.

CM:<p>Groan!!!<p>"If he takes on the same sort of position that in fairness is probably inherent to being a BS giving what it does to a person, then I don't know if I can sentence him to such a life of insecurity and pain."<p>It WON'T BE a life of insecurity and pain!!! It will be a few months of intense pain, probably less time of insecurity, followed by a LIFE of intense SECURITY (self-respect) and UNDERSTANDING. Provided you do tell him, of course. And provided he gets the kind of help he needs from an expert or experts.<p>Sorry to be so blunt, but how long have you been in Cing? If your C is advising you not tell your H about your A and child, he/she is a FOOL.<p>Take care,

[QUOTE]Originally posted by aimee2:<p>I really needed your advice today because I'm waivering about telling H after I pretty much made up my mind to do so. It sounds like you know alot about tact. I am going to print your respoonse out so I remember it all.<p>"i was just wondering if you plan to tell your husband that the affair was a good thing and perhaps what saved your marriage."<p>I planned to tell him that when he and I were going to seperate and began the process of him moving out, the A started bw me and R. That we had problems in M and I did think it was over. I dont' think A was a good thing for M but it probably resulted in my defocusing off problems of M. I changed over that time and discovered alot of things I hadn't seen in my H before....<p>That is how i plan to explain why A lasted so long. It is the truth. Should I not tell him this?<p>
"also do you plan to tell him that you love(d) om? he will ask that even if you don't offer. personally i think you've got to admit some feelings of care and tenderness to explain a long term emotional attachment." <p>I thought I'd tell him the truth but instead of focusing on feelings for OM, I was going to focus on the M. My big concern here is H never wants to discuss our problems. He is the kind of guy that would rather pretend they dont exist. Communication is our biggest downfall. I'm sure I will have to do most of talking. I wish he would grill me but he will probably keep most of his questions to himself. <p>I'll try my best should I overcome my strong hestiation to be careful and humble in my words. You really have helped me more than I can say. Thank you again. Please, anymore advice would be appreciated. What do you think of my explaination when I tell him how long it lasted? Should I tell him that or down play it?<p>Thanks for the update on justine, I have wondered about her and how she was doing.

CM,<p>My advice is to be very very honest with him, but tell him things as you would want someone to care about you. If you have not read anything here I hope that you have picked up the honesty is crucial even if it hurts the BS. But, honesty can be done bluntly (as you apparently think my posts are to you) or it can be done gently, with care, but still being very honest. It may surprise you that I recommend the latter approach. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I really wish Want It Back and some of the other former WS's would post to you about all of this. I find it amazing that you blast though points that will detonate a hugh explosion and you apparently aren't aware of them. As Aimee said you need to be sensitive to a variety of things, that doesn't mean not discuss them, but be aware how they are going to really hurt.<p>As an example you mentioned that you will always love your OM and one of the reasons is that he is the father of your first child. All of this statement is true. But, your H may well think my first child is not mine, she will always love him because whenever she looks at that child she will think of him.<p>THere is no denying that your OM fathered your first child. There is no denying you loved/love the OM. There is no denying that a 6 year affair is not easily gotten over. So what are you going to tell your H to give him hope? You must tell him of your honest feelings, but you must become much more sensitive to him and how he will view things than you seem to be now.<p>You see most of your posts have been about you,how you feel, how you see things, how you have decided what is best for the child (in truth either your OM or your H should be party to these decisions), how you are going to try and rebuild the marriage, how you are not sure your will tell your H.<p>Because it has been all about you, at least as far as these postings are concerned, I know that I have been pretty strong on you. Because it isn't all about you, and your marriage won't be rebuilt until it becomes alot more about your H. <p>I find it puzzling that you were considering telling your H but you really haven't discussed with the BS's and WS's here how they did it. How they would do it? The things to watch out for, how to be honest are still minimize the painful aspects of the truth?<p>If you were to reread some of your posts on this thread you would find many hot buttons that if you say what you said the way you said it, the chances of doing more damage to your marriage will increase. Really all you have to do is see why Catnip, and others got so hot.<p>More importantly ask yourself why you only respond to what you preceive to be the negative parts of my posts and ignore the other parts. CM, this is a very good practive ground for you. You can and should examine your responses and why certain things draw your attention and others don't. You can learn where the hot buttons are in your way of presenting things.<p>CM, I will repeat what I said before. We want nothing more than for you to be successful in rebuilding your marriage, but you will have to work with the people here not fight with them. You need to trust that most if not all people here are not trying to hurt you. Even those of us (me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) you seem to think are attacking you. I am not nor do I have any need to. If I wanted to see you fail, I would simply keep my mouth (fingers [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ) shut.<p>Think about it.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

CM,<p>I am one of those members that was referred to in a couple of the previous posts.<p>I am a BS who's marriage is finally on track and sailing smoothly. I don't have a need or desire to post or read as often as I used to. In fact when i do get to reading some of the newbies posts I start to have empathy feelings and I have to snap myself out of it and remember I'm not there anymore. I tell you this so you know there are "grauduates" from this site who aren't as you describe bitter and angry.<p>So what do you really want to know... how do you help your H get to the "graduate" status as soon as humanly possible after you tell him.<p>Well I'm here to tell you what worked for my M. Take what you like and dump the rest. I don't post often so I hope you at least read through what I have to say and perhaps something will hit home.<p>* I too believe if my H's affair never happened we'd be divorced. Don't get me wrong... I'm in no way grateful or happy it happened... but I am glad there there was a wake up call to BOTH of us that our marriage was in trouble. Otherwise we both would have just continued being unhappy and one of us would have ended up jumping ship. I just wish that wake up call could have been without the OC... but that's another thread.<p>* My marriage didn't begin to heal until my H did some significant things differently. On d-day the first thing my friend asked me was, "do you love your husband?" I answered yes, and she replied, "then we are going to fight for your marriage."<p>Oh CM, I fought for three or four months alone, all by myself. My H gave me such lip service. (or at least that's what I thought it was.) He went on and on about how since he was still home that should be enough to prove he loved me. And he said he was sorry, but I didn't feel the sorry for many many months.<p>He defended the OW/OC for months. Telling me how she wasn't a bad person, and how they had become friends and talked on the phone often. And how she was a great mom of her other three illegitimate kids. Yadda yadda yadda.<p>Oh CM how I hated to hear all those things. But my friend kept me in the fight. I wanted to bail so bad. I couldn't stand to hear another rosey thing about what they had done together. <p>All through this he was working on setting up support and visitation. So I was confronted with the reminder daily that he had betrayed me and this family. All the while forced to smile for the public, our family, our friends and OW.<p>I won't go into the tragic details of how my H finally snapped out of it and realized that he wansn't doing any of the work to rebuild our marriage, but infact he was hindering our progress with involving OW in our lives, defending her honor when I would call her names, and acting like I should be grateful he stayed in our marriage.<p>But the difference between now and then is that he tries now. He is sensitive to what my needs are. He knows that by fulfilling my needs when presented with "conversation" about her it rolls off of my back.<p>We have an emotional bank account. My H deposits into that account every day. And when I say every day... I mean every day. I get a text message, a phone call, coffee when I wake up, flowers, leaning over and singing a love song while doing something as simple as grocery shopping, anything to express his love for me and his desire to make me happy. Something simple everyday! <p>So the withdrawls from the bank account come when OW calls, or I get a trigger of some sorts...But it's so easy to let it go when I think about how good I have it now.<p>Many BS's on this board talk about how they NEED the WS to make it up to them. I needed that, it catapolted me light years into my recovery. <p>Gemini is another who's husband bent over backwards to make her feel wanted again.<p>It goes farther than the flowers and songs though. My H and I talk like we've never talked before. We both have learned to speak the other's language. I know him better than I ever have and he knows me too. But this was all a result of him calming those fears and insecurities DAILY! <p>CM know that your H's heart will be broken beyond belief... but with your constant reassurance that he is the love of your life, that he is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, that he is the one you want to raise your son with, that he and only he is the one you want to grow old with, he will eventually be able to lick his wounds and have HOPE.<p>Without hope, he has nothing to fight for. You have to give him that hope. By telling him you loved OM will not give him that. By telling him what you got out of your relationship will. That will allow him to figure out how he can give that to you.<p>For instance... if you had great conversation with OM and not with H... then tell him that one of the things that help the A continue for so long is that you could talk and felt he really understood what you had to say... don't say... I feel in love with him because we could talk for hours and he would listen.<p>See the difference. Presentation is everything.<p>I too want you to succeed in rebuilding your marriage. So much so, I would come out of my "retired" status on MB to help give advice in your recovery. I would do it not only for you, but for your dear husband who has no idea what lurks around the corner. D-day is horrific, but if you handle him with kid gloves and say the right things the pain can be minimized.<p>I hope some of what I said helps you see how much power you have to make a bad situation worse or better.<p>Best of luck,
Z.

CM,<p>I was posting to you before this thread got out of hand. I just want to tell you again, that my advice is to tell your H the truth about your S, and the A! When my A was "revealed" xOM forced me into it, thinking he could get my H to leave me! He also told my H that I loved xOM! Well, now, almost 2 years later, xOM is not in our lives at all, and never will be, if we can help it! xOM never even knew about the pregnancy, and my H has accepted Abbi as his own, and loves her just as much as our other two kids! The point I'm trying to get across is that you can tell your H and still have the M survive, and maybe even be better than it ever was! I am not going to rehash anything else said here, as it is becoming very counter-productive! I just think that the honesty route is the way to go. If you actually think about what you are considering right now, not telling your H of the A or your S, you are, in effect, lying to H and S about their very lives! You owe it to both to be honest, and build from there.<p>I hope that you have not found anything offensive here. I just strongly feel that you would make a mistake to not tell H and eventually S about what has happened.<p>Tigger

BtDt, Thank-you for the response. I agree, it is wonderful to have one's choices back. <p>Progress, in a marriage, cannot take place without honesty. It is a terrible thing to take away a person's choices.<p>ember