I have been off the boards for a few days as things have been very nerve wracking. My dad is 75 yrs old. His health has been failing these past few years. 14 years ago he had throat cancer and had his voice box removed. He has since had prostrate cancer, diabetes, heart trouble(he has a pace maker) and is in the beginning stages of alzhiemers. This past Tuesday he was in the hospital for a routine operation that he has every 1 or 2 years to widen his throat. Since the cancer, his throat closes up over time and has to be stretched open again. Well they found another tumor. The doctor told my mom that the chances are 50/50 that it is cancer. If it is then they won't do chemo cause he is too weak to survive it. They will just make him comfortable. Results won't be in until Friday or Monday.
I spoke with my mom Wed. morning at 7:30 and she was worried about my dad cause his throat was so sore that he was not eating or drinking anything, not good for a diabetic. She was planning on calling the DR. later that morning. My sister called me early afternoon and said my dad was back in the hospital. My mom had fallen asleep in the recliner(she has not been sleeping well with all that is going on) and apparently my dad wandered outside and fell off the porch. My mom found him on the ground. He has broken his hip and at first they thought he also had a head injury because he was so disorientated but it turned out he didn't. When my H got home I asked him if we could go down for the weekend to see my dad. My parents live a 4 1/2 hr drive from me and we only see them about 4 times a year. I'm starting to see the future when my dad is gone and I'm regretting not spending more time with
him. Well, my H said no. I asked why and he said he just didn't feel like making that trip this weekend. He suggested I go alone with the kids. I was seriously thinking about it even though the thought of making that trip alone with three kids terrifies me more than I can say(and my H knows this). Well my mom called me about that time to tell me how my dad was doing. She begged me not to make the trip alone with the kids as she already had enough to worry about and couldn't stand worrying about us too. So I told her I wouldn't. Well I was balling by now. At this point we still didn't know about his head injury and he also had a fever of 102.
So, my D had been on a visit with xOM at the time. When xOM brings D home he can see that I have been crying and in general I look like hell. He asks me what is wrong and I tell him about my dad. He says "why don't you go see him, I have to work this weekend and wouldn't be able to spend much time with D anyway". I just say that H can't get away this weekend and my mom doesn't want me to make the trip alone. xOM says " I know you are going to say no but I'm going to say it anyway cause I can't stand to see you like this. If you want I will take the weekend off and drive you and the kids down and back and I'll stay in a
hotel". Well, I said no, that wouldn't be a very good idea but thanks anyway.<p>OK. Somebody tell me what is wrong with this picture????

want it back,<p>First, I want you to know my prayers are with your family, esp your parents. Facing a parental illness is a very hard thing to do.<p>A key idea of what we are learning is compromise, could you go alone to see your father, leave the kids home with H for the weekend? One thought to consider is the physical state of your father, and would that be distrubing to your children to see grandpa that way? You might also need this time alone with him and your mother and other sibilings you have. I don't know if you could do this, but it may be a consideration.<p>How are your H's parents? Is he facing this also or has he faced a death of his parents and going through this again may be too much? Ask him directly (but gently) why he doesn't want to go, he knows this is important to you and allthough I am new to this and don't know your whole story, some of the things I read that your wrote about your husband made him sound like a very patient and understanding man, so there must be a reason he doesn't want to go.<p>About the xOM, I think that you know in your heart what is wrong with this picture. You are hurting right now and need comforting and that is an emotion that is hard for some people to not want to help and fix. As I said I don't know all involved, but I do know when anyone feels vunerable, that the draw of the affair, and the power of those emotions can seem to be the fix that you feel you might need. When a person is hurting it is so easy to turn to someone else to take the pain away and you need to avoid the temptation of having the xOM there!!!!<p>I am the BS and it has been over a year since I found out. My H has continued an on/off EA with the OW and I know that when times were tough and life is hard, it makes her so much more appealing because with her, life isn't reality! Right know it would appear that escaping reality would be very good for you right now, so please don't. <p>Hang in there, you have shared some things that I have read that have helped me understand my WS better, you have a strength of character that appears to have grown so much, your log on name caught my eye and then we I read some of your story, I really appreciated what you have shared. <p>So, please consider talking directly with your H, and please try to find a compromise, you need to see your father that is for sure and your mother I am sure needs you to be there for her. I am also curious did you tell your H about the offer from the xOM? <p>My prayers are with you, this is a really tough time, please take care!

Hello,
I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. My grandpa just died because of throat cancer. I know what you mean about spending more time with him. I find myself thinking i wished I spend more time with him.<p>How about leaving the kids with your H and you go alone? Then you can spend some time with your parents without the kids.<p>Dawn

WIB<p>{{{{hugs}}}}
I'm deeply sorry to hear about your Dad.
Fear is a terrible thing, I can understand your reluctance to make this trip alone with your children. Sometimes we have to do things that we're scared to do...we all have it within ourselves to face and overcome these fears. I pray that you find this strength within yourself.You are a very strong woman.

Thank you everyone for your concern.<p>OSC,<p>Please, please don't think that I am feeling anything for xOM right now. I just thought it was terribly ironic that he would make such an offer whereas my H "just doesn't feel like" making the trip.
Leaving the kids with my H is out of the question. He would keep the boys but absolutely could not handle the baby alone for the weekend. If I took the baby then I would need the boys there for me during the ride.
My H's father died over 20 yrs ago and his mother is in good health and only lives 20 minutes away from us. My H is also very close to my parents and my whole family. I really just don't know why he doesn't want to go other than I know he doesn't like making this long trip for just a few days. Unless I go alone with the kids it won't be happening. And yes I am feeling really awful right now. I have 5 sisters who all live close to my parents and they are all taking turns staying with my mom at the hosptal. I feel so useless and helpless. No, I did not tell my H about his offer. I didn't want him to think I was trying to guilt him into going.<p>Dawn, Thanks for your kind words. I would love to have this time with my dad and no kids but I don't see it happening.<p>DG, Thanks. I am still on the fence about weather or not I will go but I would have to do it without telling my mom and hope that she doesn't worry too much when we're on our way back home.<p>Thanks guys, it is a very hard time and very frustrating being so far from my family at a time like this.

wib,
Thanks for the reply. I am glad to hear you don't have any feelings of xOM, and when I suggested telling your husband, after I wrote that I too thought that information might guilt him into doing something he doesn't want to do and that would be a LB!<p>I have a large family also and I understand being the only one not there in a time of need and that is difficult. I guess do what you can here, use the phone extensively and pray. One other thought, do you have a friend who could drive with you to visit your parents, or maybe a sibiling could meet you half-way? Please don't think I am pushy with suggestions, it is just that I know when I am hurting I have a hard time thinking straight and I never can come up with any ideas!<p>Prayer is a powerful tool and your parents know what you feel for them and that will be communicated to them, esp your Dad at this time.<p>You are right about the irony of the situation, and that seems to be life, huh? Take care!

WIB
I am so sorry to hear of your families troubles, I know how trying this is, as we lost my father , he had lung cancer.
Good luck and be safe traveling. Is there a way you could leave husband with boys and daughter with her father for the weekend. ? Just a thought, probably one i wouldnt do, since i just made it through one night. haha <p> I will say a prayer for your dad GOD BLESS.

I just heard from my mom and although there isn't a whole lot new my dad is eating again and looks better than he did yesterday. They are going to be scheduling surgery to repair his hip.<p>OSC, there is one person whom I would make the trip with (my husbands cousin) but believe it or not her H is in the hospital right now. He had a triple bypass this morning after having a heart attack over the weekend. Just 52 yrs old.<p>MO5, I actually would have thought about leaving D with xOM but he does not even have a crib or anything. I also don't think that even he is ready to take her for so long.<p>I guess I'm just going to get the updates for now and if he takes a turn for the worse then I will head straight down one way or another. In the meantime I am going to talk with H to see if we can plan a weekend trip in the next few weeks or so. Maybe he will feel better about it if there is more warning. I really appreciate everyones kind words. I have not lost a parent yet and can't even imagine what it is like.

WIB,
did you say your husbands mother lives near, could she keep your little one for you? or maybe travel with you to help.
You would be suprised what he could do if you really needed him to. My daughters father, has had to watch her alone several times, and done quite well, and it has been 30 years since he had a baby at home. maybe he has a mother near by to help.
I am probably not helping much, but i do know how desperate you must be to go to your dad, and I am sure your family understands. Glad your father is feeling a bit better.

wib,<p>I am glad to hear your Dad is feeling better. I hope the all of your extended family gets better soon!<p>I also hope you can get a trip planned soon, that would probably help, knowing you could be there at another time.<p>Take care! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] My prayers are with you!

WIB, If I thought I lived near you, I'd say hey no prob I'll come and drive ya. About three years ago, my sil wanted to see a good friend of hers that was dying. She doesn't know how to drive and it was during a time when my brother was out of town. i drove six hours to get her and my nephew and drive them three hours to see her friend. I'm glad I did it. <p>Anyway two suggestions: Maybe you have a friend or could even hire a babysitter and take the sitter with you. <p>Or I'm not saying this is a good suggestion, but... How bout greyhound? or amtrak if they are near you. the bus is fairly cheap and comfortable. you could take your baby along and care for her. my main problem with it is of course the kind of people you see at bus stations. at that distance (about 300 miles) you should only stop at one or two big stations. I've had to ride the bus twice and it was the big stations that gave me the creeps. You have to kinda keep to yourself, but I had no problems at all. <p>My dad died about 12 years ago and I really wish that I had had more time with him. My brother was in the military at the time and he came home about once a month until my dad died. But my brother regrets the time that he missed. I hope your husband realizes how important this trip is and changes his mind for this weekend or another real soon. Regardless, find some way to spend time with your family, even if by phone.

First, everyone thanks for the prayers. Dad is doing a little better everyday. Neurologist told my mom that dad has dementia and not alzhiemers as originally thought. Although I don't know the difference between the two my mom says the dementia is better. The biopsy results have not come in yet though.
My H keeps telling me "see, you and your sisters worry too much. Your dad's not as bad off as you keep thinking he is". Well at least I know now why he doesn't think this visit should have been important to me.
I tossed around a few of the ideas that you guys have given here with him and it keeps coming down to him not seeing why this is something I need to do THIS weekend. Says I am just causing myself a whole lot of trouble to make a visit that we can make in a few weeks or so. (won't give me a definate date though).
Anyway, my mom is trying to reassure me that for now dad is doing ok but I still want very badly to see him soon. I can't really talk to him on the phone because he doesn't do very well with his voice thingy(I have no idea what they are called) while using the phone so all the messages to him have to go through my mom.<p>Thanks again for all the ideas and kind words. I'm very anxious about his biopsy results right now so any prayers left would be appreciated.

MIB,<p>I know you didn't ask for a vote, but I thought I would throw in a few words. My W has lost both of her parents and I have lost my father. In fact our fathers passed away within two months of each other. Rather suddenly.<p>I also realize that you have sisters that can help your Mother and even Dad. I think I also understood that your H's family is close by.<p>My thinking on this is that he doesn't see the need to see your father, because he has never been far from his family. My suggestion to you, is now that you Dad is doing better but has dimentia that you need to take your children to see him.<p>Do you see what I am getting at here?? I realize you want to help, but more importantly you want time with your father, but from H's perspective I think the arguement is your children need to see him while he is still him. This is their history and they need to see him. Perhaps your H will understand the needs of the children better than envisioning X number of sisters gathering around trying to help.<p>I hope something works. You are right time flies and it doesn't come back. Talk with your H about what this means to the children. It won't mean much now, but it will in their future.<p>I would offer to come kick H's butt, [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , but you live far to far away. I think he is wrong on this one.<p>I hope your father continues his recovery and I hope your H sees that you, the children, and even him visiting your father is a very very important thing.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

Things have not been good these past few days. Dad's biopsy came back positive for cancer. His dementia has gotten much worse since being in the hospital. Nurses say this is quite normal since he is not in familiar surroundings. He has to be restrained because he keeps trying to get out of bed to go home. My sister went to visit him yesterday and he did not know who she was until she told him. He also has stopped eating again. But thank goodnes that after hearing all of this H said "we'll leave Friday morning and spend the weekend". So we leave this Friday. I didn't even ask, he just offered.<p>JL, nice to see you on my post. I'm afraid that it is too late and my dad is already not the man he used to be. Not the man I grew up with. Once an avid story teller of his past he now does not remember the past. He was a gunner in a fighter plane in WW2. Stationed on an aircraft carrier where the planes took off and landed. He used to love to tell stories about that and I would very much have loved for my sons to have heard that from him but it is too late for that now. They will have to hear it from me now. <p>Any prayers from anyone would be appreciated.<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: want it back ]</p>

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>WantItBack:<strong>"So, my D had been on a visit with xOM at the time. When xOM brings D home he can see that I have been crying and in general I look like hell. He asks me what is wrong and I tell him about my dad. He says "why don't you go see him, I have to work this weekend and wouldn't be able to spend much time with D anyway". I just say that H can't get away this weekend and my mom doesn't want me to make the trip alone. xOM says " I know you are going to say no but I'm going to say it anyway cause I can't stand to see you like this. If you want I will take the weekend off and drive you and the kids down and back and I'll stay in a
hotel". Well, I said no, that wouldn't be a very good idea but thanks anyway."</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Let me see if I got this straight, OM can't be with his D because he has to work, but he is willing to not go to work this weekend in order to drive you over to your parents. He is willing to sacrifice going to work for you and not for his D. Granted the circumstances are more complicated but I wonder if he doesn't see this an opportunity to be with you.<p>You did right in refusing OM's offer WIB. It would have opened a bigger can of worms if you had accepted his offer. You've got enough to deal with your father's condition and your marital recovery.<p>I am glad that your H, on his own accord, told you that all of you were going this friday over to your dad's.<p>My sincerest and deepest condolences on your father's condition. If it's God's will to call him to heaven, I pray that his passing is a peaceful one.<p>Good luck and God bless.<p>Joe<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: TooMuchCoffeeMan ]</p>

WIB,<p>I would like to add my prayers to the others for your dad -- this is such a difficult time for you. I am glad that your H is coming around though, I also think he missed the mark on this one. If it was important to you - for whatever reason - then it should have been important to him. <p>But, at least he has come around and will go with you this week. I lost my dad 20 years ago and I still remember how painful it was. Cherish the moments and at least the memories will last your lifetime.<p>God bless you and give you strength.
love,
heavenly

Joe and heavenly, thanks.
Things just keep getting worse with my dad. For some stupid, stupid reason the nurses didn't restrain him in his bed last night and he tried to get out and fell. He wants to go home so badly. He broke his other hip. He goes to surgery tomorrow morning. They have him on morphine right now.<p>Joe, I have no idea if xOM had ulterior motives or not but I certainly am not waisting my time thinking about it. He is required to work one weekend a month and usually volunteers for a second one claiming he needs to in order to pay the $90 a week CS. Keep in mind that he makes $40,000 a yr, is single and owns his house outright. I can't figure it out and I don't even try. So I guess he could have gotten by with missing this one weekend.<p>Anyway, I have much more important things to worry about right now. Hope I can hold it together until this weekend.

WIB<p>I am praying for you, your Dad and your family. This must be very stressful and upsetting for you.<p>Thank God your husband decided to go with you. Take care of yourself.<p>Catnip =^^=

I love it. Your XOM makes more than my husband but pays $1000 less per month than we do and has to work extra to make ends meet?<p>Catnip =^^=

I'm really sorry to hear that your father got hurt in the hospital due to a nurse's dumb mistake! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Maybe you are afraid to take the kids by yourself, but you are a big (BIG) girl and you should get over this fear! You could probably make it without even having to stop at all! IF you keep the baby awake and don't let her fall asleep until you decide to go (same with the others--don't know how old they are?) But get some kiddie music to keep them entertained and have LOTS of snacks in ziplocks! Take water bottles with pull-tops, that way if they spill, not a huge deal. You can do this!!! 4.5 hours is not all that long, really...<p>I think your H doesn't realize how important this trip is/was to you. It is up to you to let him know. So what OM had the intrinsic ability to know, that's how the Temptor has this thing wired--to make OM look better than your H when he's really not. Your H is the one who forgave you through all this. Your H is the one who deserves to be honored, regardless. Maybe he IS wrong not to offer, but you need to let him know how important it is to you instead of keeping your fears and concerns all to yourself.<p>If you are afraid about the car making it, rent one! If you are afraid baby won't make it, leave her with OM! I say if it means so much to you, then go. Just GO! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] HUGS!<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>