Hello everyone,

I'm new to this forum, and I'm here because I'm newlywed and have a very big issue that I need to find out where to get help with. The problem is not mine, it's my husband's, but being married and being a team, it makes the problem mine, too.

Please do not judge me too harshly (though I probably deserve it) because I do realize my mistakes. Some things you cannot change but have to move progressively forward with. I met my husband last year through a friend who introduced us online (I'd known this friend for 2 years, my husband has known this friend for 7). This mutual friend assured me that [my now husband] was as straight-up as they come and a very good guy. I met him and he was wonderful. I fell in love with everything about this very kind, very gentle man. He constantly sent me roses and told me I was beautiful. We spent months flying back & forth to see each other (we lived 2,000 miles apart) and I finally moved to be with him. Our life together has been the stuff of dreams. We communicate and relate so well and I've never had this kind of connection with anyone. We're both around 30 years old and we both know what we want out of life. Every day, I'd wake up and thank God that I'd found someone so perfect...

But there is a dark side - a tarnished side to this coin. Back when we were still engaged and a few days before we were married, I found some ID's for a messenger service on the computer that sounded shady to me so I asked him about them. He said his friends use his computer, too, but that he didn't know where they came from. I think I've got a pretty good 6th sense and this didn't sit well with me...but what could I do? We were due to get married in a month. The day before we got married, I still had a nagging feeling, so I got online. I knew his password to his e-mail account so I tried it on the ID's that I found...What I found was the most disturbing thing I've ever come across. This man that I was desperately in love with had been involved with very sickening porn. Nothing to do with making it, just downloading it. I was appalled and hurt more than anything, but the dates on the files I found on the computer were before we met.

When he came home that night, I confronted him. He still tried to play it off like he wasn't sure what I was talking about. I eventually told him to quit B.S'ing me and that those accounts all opened with HIS password. He then broke down crying. I told him I was going to have to leave him, but that I wanted him to seek help. He's not an evil man...and he's very clean cut so this baffled me. He begged me not to hate him and asked me if I was going to leave him and move back home. I told him, "No, but I am going to be your friend and make sure you get the help you need. I know you're not a bad person and you've never done anything wrong, but this makes me wonder what has been done to YOU that would make you do something like this." He had his head buried in my lap sobbing like a child while he told me about sexual abuse he was afraid he'd tolerated as a child. He said that he was afraid he had repressed memories and that occasionally a memory would resurface regarding his father. He'd never been overtaken by these memories until the past year. He is a veteran and his best friend was killed, last year overseas. Since his friend was killed, everyone has told me he went through a terrible stage where he over-ate and gained almost 40 lbs and suffered from severe depression. They all told me that since he's met me, he's changed and he's almost been back to his old self and the guy I know now truly is 100% happier than the guy I met, last year. He's losing the weight and his outlook on life has changed so much.

I went ahead with the wedding, the next day. I told him I loved him and I knew he was a good person, but that I would not marry him unless he promised to go and get the help he needed. He was extremely happy that I'd still marry him after all I knew. He accepted my conditions. 2 weeks later, before we even got to seek help, he was called to duty for his job and he'll be gone for 6 months. As he's gone, I'm trying to be supportive as possible, but sometimes I still feel this anger and hatred boiling up at him from what has occurred. At the same time, I really do feel that he meant every word he said and that he will get help and that he will seek counseling. He wants us to go together and that says a lot to me. It shows me he means it. He really does seem honest about reforming himself and the dates in the computer didn't lie about when everything was accessed.

Yes, I'll admit, I dated someone in the past to try and "fix" them and because I thought they needed help, but I know that's a destructive cycle and I didn't get into this relationship to fix him, but because I loved him. Why did I go ahead and marry this man? That's how much I have faith in him. He's the type of person who would never hurt anyone and he is disgusted with himself for what has happened in the past. I married him on the condition that he try to fix himself. I will stand beside him, come what may, and love him because he IS a good man and has treated me with nothing but 100% respect. There is only one thing he's lied about, and that's because he thought I would leave and he considered it "in the past". Since he's been gone, he's written me letter after letter telling me that he thinks I'm the most supportive, wonderful woman in the world and there is not a thing he wouldn't do for me. My 6th sense isn't telling me, "B.S." this time. He means it.

So, I'm asking all of you - Did I make the right, mature decision? I know marriage should have waited until AFTER he received the help he needed, so I know I screwed up there. He called the friend that fixed us up the next day, and tearfully told his friend what he'd done and how he almost lost me. He didn't think I heard this phone conversation (he thought I was still asleep) so I'm convinced he means it. His friend later talked to me and told me he believes he means everything he says and that I should hang in there. He said it took a lot of guts for him to admit the problem to his best friend...let alone me. I want to support him, but I'm afraid everyone else would look at me as "weak" and a "stupid woman" - I am just hoping someone out there can tell me that people DO recover from this sort of thing and that I'm doing the right thing in standing by him and not giving up on him when he almost gave up on himself. Despite those problems, I think he's one of the most genuine, kind people I've ever met. Does anyone know someplace where I can turn to, myself? I think it might be a good idea for me to talk to a counselor about it and then integrate my husband when he is back home. I usually try to push the problem aside and not think about it, because when I do think about it, I get enraged all over again, but I know my anger isn't helping anyone. I know the problem will have to be dealt with when he comes home, though. I'm so sorry this was such a long post, but I would appreciate hearing if anyone else has ever gone through anything like this. Is this a hopeless case? Where can I get help? Thank you so much if you made it through reading all this! I'm so embarrassed even talking about it, but what else could I do?

<small>[ May 24, 2004, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: Love_hurts ]</small>

Hi LH,

The first question, no, I would NOT have married him until he'd been through 6 months of therapy and another 6 months of abstinence. Marriage is too big of an issue to risk with an active sex addict. My H did have this issue before we married, but I did not discover it till well after. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

2ndly... he can stop and recover if he decides to. My H went to a therapist who specialized in Sexual Addictions. It was great, but mostly because my H wanted OUT of that life! My was the kindest man, no one would have EVER suspected he could be involved in such horrific material.

As for you... boy I know those feelings. I've STILL got the bruises from kicking myself so hard. But, I have to tell you, I have one of the better marriages that I've EVER seen, NOW. This can’t happen till he commits to therapy. Accept no less. Some therapy for yourself couldn’t hurt either, I'd guess. This is sooooo rough.

Please take care of yourself and read all you can on the subject. Patrick Carnes has several books on the subject. Also search the internet for Sexual Addiction websites. That's how I got started. It took a while till I found MB. Marriage Builders does not deal with these kinds of addictions, but it can help with recovery once the addiction has been addressed. I'm wishing you the best of luck. Take care! - Dru

And make no mistake, this IS a sexual addiction, even if there was no other person involved. Once they get to the sick stuff, it's out of control. - Dru

Drucilla,

Thank you so much for your kind replies...I've talked to him recently about this and told him that when he gets back, we're attending counseling. I told him that I have no reservations whatsoever about walking away from the marriage if he does not get the help he needs and that terrifies him. I think I scared him to death by saying that, but it's true. I'm at the point in my life where I won't be dealing with this crap. I'm ready to settle down, have a family, and live a happy life and not have to wonder what my husband has been looking at on the computer.

Yesterday, he gave me the permission to get rid of the computer if I want to and that does say to me that he's willing to work on things. I dated someone once who said, "I'm going to look at internet pornography. That's part of who I am and if you don't like it...Oh well. That's your problem." That's when I knew I was dating the wrong person. My husband would do anything in the world to keep me and I realize this. I'm buying parental control software (some websites on controlling pornography recommended this) and I'm learning quite a bit about searching the computer for information. I've told him stuff that I've found on the computer and he's apologized repeatedly for it and said he was stupid over and over again. I have faith in him, but I'm still installing the software to prevent access to most of these sites. I'm also going to tell him that I am the only one allowed to clear the history cache. I hate sounding like such a witch, but his addiction had gotten to a serious level and had gotten to the point of being a sickness and you can't just treat that lightly. If he would get mad and want to leave me for being heavy-handed with the issue, that would be fine with me. I don't want to be with him unless he is willing to work this issue out. In all other areas of our relationship, I'm extremely easy-going, but there are points when a line just has to be drawn. This is one of them. I have found a few good websites on the subject and I think I'm going to order a few books on it while he's gone. When he gets back, he said he would read them. He's honestly wanting to change...and I know I'm lucky to have a husband who does want to give up this shameful life and return to being someone he can be proud of again. Thanks again for your advice...it really does mean more to me than you know and it was good to know I wasn't alone with this.

Hi LH,

I really do sympathise. I read so many H's here who just get angry and more secretive when this issue is discussed. My H sounds like yours, a genuinely kind, sweet man who got caught up in some bad stuff. He was ashamed, remorseful, and wanted out. It sounds like you've got a good guy that's willing to make this right. You could be one of the lucky ones.

The parental controls and clearing of history are good ideas during recovery. We've gotten to the point that I hardly ever check the computer anymore (I'm so proud of myself). You start with tighter controls and accountability, but as your H gets more 'normalized' these get less restrictive. It's a growing and learning process, once recovery really gets going you gotta be gentle and forgiving... it's rough at first.

I'm wishing you two the best! Be sure to take extra good care of yourself and dont be afraid to let him help you, too. - Dru

I am married and will soon be divorced to a man who by all counts is still into porn.
He of course does not think so.
I was into my 4th year of marriage when I found more than 3 thousand pictures of porn.
He was staying up late and eveytime I would come down the stairs I would hear windows closing on the computer.
One night I found him in a lesbian chat room pretending to be a woman. It went from there to couple swaping. I would have done anything at the time for him to be satified and love me.
The porn never stopped. He had 100's of magazines and still hundreds of pics on the computer. When I finally had enough, he started making porn pics of me.
I agreed. I dressed up for him and he just took all these pictures of me.
I would bring friends over and he would always mention to me that it would be cool if me and my girlfriends got together while he watched.
It seemed like thats all he wanted.
I ended up having an affair with a man who turned out to be very violent.
I stayed in a fog for a long time and have just recently gotten out of it.
I have lost everything, including my boys.
I go and see them as much as I can but it makes me uncomfortable.
My H or soon to be xH makes me feel uncomfortable.
He believes that he has changed and that he has no problem with porn.
His room is filled with half dressed pictures of woman, cheerleaders, pics of womans faces and one picture he made that looks like the woman just finished some one off. He lauged at me on the phone and said.. thats funny, that woman is a pic I drew of you.
Porn and abuse are big issues to me now.
You need to stick to your guns.
I did not and ended up doing something I will regret the rest of my life.
I wish you and your H the best.

<small>[ May 31, 2004, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: lucidity ]</small>