My H is still seeing OC behind my back. Knows I do not condone this visits, knows each time he does, I feel farther away from him. Says he doesn't want a divorce, makes me think of filing. I think I have had enough. It is enough that I have to deal with the years of betrayal and lies, the huge CS we pay-so high I could retire on it, sort of in catnip's ball park of CS-the production of the OC, the destruction of what I value in our life and marriage.The destruction of our kids' lives once we divorce, and even now, with his secret visits.
I am done, very tired of this all. I no longer desire to be with H under these circumstances. I thought I could stay for our children-I am finding I cannot do this.
Pray for me . I am investigating filing for separation, and do it. I have told H I will leave the area we live. I could not economically stay here nor do I wish to watch him incorporate our children into his life with oC. He thinks I am punishing our children by taking them far away from him. I have suggested he come with us, he refuses-saying he couldn't find a job with recession, needs to be near OC, etc. I feel I have no other choice but to go, separate , divorce.
I am so sad with this all. My eyes are red, my young children are trying to comfort me.
Pray for us all.

Unhappy Wife,<p>you can be assured that I am praying for you. This is a difficult situation all around. I pray that you find the wisdom, discernment and peace that you need to make important decisions.<p>I wish I could say more...but all I can do is send hugs to you (((((((hugs))))))<p>Twiisty

Dear Unhappywife,
God be with you and your children.<p>You know, it's funny how things work out when you give it your all and the man you thought you knew turns into a complete stranger.<p>I know you tried over and over to tell your H what you couldn't do.<p>Your young children will surely be affected if you choose to move far from their Dad.<p>Then again, maybe he wouldn't be the best for them. He's dividing his time, however slight, between his original family and oc.<p>What happens when oc begins to question why Dad doesn't live with Mom?<p>And when your children together question why Daddy wants to break up family because of his and ow's mistake that you cannot deal with?<p>I shudder.<p>The world has become so open to immorality.<p>I never gave it a thought before, I notice it all now.<p>Sad huh?<p>Without a poja and counseling you cannot do anything to change him.... except to pray to God to follow the path you should take.<p>You will find solace there UW. Please give it a try.<p>Perhaps you can file for seperation.<p>Plan B , if you will.<p>It's time UW.<p>Bless you.<p>Love
Debi

I am so very, very sorry, UW...this is horrible. What is the big draw to the OC that he can turn his back on you and the children you already have together?<p>There is nothing more you can do except go for a rigid Plan B as Gem suggested, and pray, pray and pray. <p>When my husband was withdrawn from me in the early months after discovery, I printed up some excellent threads from the MB forum and left them on the diningroom table and left for the weekend. There is so much power in the printed word, UW, that my husband tried all weekend to reach me leaving me long voicemails on my cell. The threads said the same things I had been saying but he was not receptive and didn't "hear" me...but reading and re-reading these things made an impact on him and things changed immediately. The fog lifted while I was gone by reading all the MB threads.<p>Print up some of this stuff for him to mull over...maybe he will see the terrible mistake he is making in time to save the marriage.<p>I will be praying for you, too and will keep you in my thoughts.<p>Catnip =^^=

UW,<p>My prayers are and will be with you, always.<p>Below is a prayer for you and others who may feel the need:<p>O God, sometimes I wonder if there is healing for my broken heart and all the hurts I've accumulated. Your Word assures me, however, that you will bind up my wounds and your hands will make me whole. Thank You, Father, for all the promises of your Word.<p>Help me to regain a merry heart, Lord God, because I know that a merry heart does one good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones. Through faith, I claim your promise that the stripes of Jesus Christ will bring healing to my broken heart.<p>Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed. Thank you for your Son, Jesus Christ whom you anointed to heal the broken-hearted and to proclaim deliverance to the captives. I express faith to you, Father, and I receive your healing for my broken heart. <p>Restore my soul. Renew my strength as I wait upon you. Help me to fully believe and to claim your promise that the old things are passed away, and you are making all things new in my life. Father, with your aid, I will walk in wholeness nd renewal from this time forward. Thank you for all that you have done for me and my children.<p>****************<p>FYI - There is a book of prayers titled "Breakthrough Prayers for Women" by Clift & Kathleen Richards. (IT IS AWESOME). There are 119 prayers that will help women in every aspect of their lives.<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: hurt but healing ]</p>

UW,<p>My prayers are and will be with you, always.<p>Below is a prayer for you and others who may feel the need:<p>O God, sometimes I wonder if there is healing for my broken heart and all the hurts I've accumulated. Your Word assures me, however, that you will bind up my wounds and your hands will make me whole. Thank You, Father, for all the promises of your Word.<p>Help me to regain a merry heart, Lord God, because I know that a merry heart does one good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones. Through faith, I claim your promise that the stripes of Jesus Christ will bring healing to my broken heart.<p>Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed. Thank you for your Son, Jesus Christ whom you anointed to heal the broken-hearted and to proclaim deliverance to the captives. I express faith to you, Father, and I receive your healing for my broken heart. <p>Restore my soul. Renew my strength as I wait upon you. Help me to fully believe and to claim your promise that the old things are passed away, and you are making all things new in my life. Father, with your aid, I will walk in wholeness nd renewal from this time forward. Thank you for all that you have done for me and my children.<p>****************<p>FYI - There is a book of prayers titled "Breakthrough Prayers for Women" by Clift & Kathleen Richards. (IT IS AWESOME). There are 119 prayers that will help women in every aspect of their lives.<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: hurt but healing ]</p>

<p>[ April 21, 2002: Message edited by: hurt but healing ]</p>

catnip, my H feels he must be some kind of father to OC. It is stressing him, he says, but he claims he loves OC as our children. That I do not understand,as one of the main reasons I loved our kids was it was created out of H and I-I no longer feel this way, however, now he loves a child he created out of his affair. He feels strained living this life, wants OC incorporated in our lives. I have repeatedly told him forget it-I want no part of this child nor the child's mother. But I am tired of dealing with this-he suddenly decided to see oC on a day we have usually together-without informing me till the morning of. I was sickened by it. I have not eaten in 2 says, knowing this time I am separating.H won't leave our home, so I don't know what to do. I left once and nearly destroyed one of my kids' lives-they couldn't tolerate me being out of the home. I don't know if I can do that to them. Worse, I don't like living this way.
I have showed my H stuff from MB-he poo poos it all, especially parts where some have incorporated OC into their lives and then have it backfire so painfully for all. LIke CD and gemini. He just thinks our experience would be different. I think not.
I will pray, as you all suggest, but I don't think it will do any good. My H is determined to destroy us, and I can't do this anymore.I feel a shell of the woman I once was,and I won't let my kids think this is what marriage or adulthood should be. He has destroyed my essence with all of this.

Oh Honey, this makes me sick. I am so, so sorry....I just don't know what to say.<p>While it is commendable your hsuband loves the OC, he still needs to put OC aside for a time and concentrate on you and the marriage and your children together. After sufficient healing has taken place, perhaps you might be more open to contact, since contact is so important to him. I just wish you were his number one priority, as you should be.<p>You can't leave, though, UW...you'll have to ask him to leave, and he should after all he has done and is doing to you.<p>I completely understand why you can't go any further with this. I am so sorry. I'll keep praying for you and a change of heart for him. I'm not saying he should abandon the OC, just set communication aside for a while to give the two of you some time to rediscover each other and rebuild the marriage.<p>Anyone out there have any ideas? <p>Catnip =^^=

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: whatif? ]</small>

Whatif? says <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You have known all along that you would either have to except contact or dissolve the marriage I am sooo sorry you are going through this pain<hr></blockquote><p>Whatif that is not what MB or healing a marriage is all about. It is never to be of oc alone. I do not mean that in a mean way either.
I have your e-mail address and have e-mailed you but you have never answered.<p>UW has begged and pleaded w/ her H to consider her feelings and help her but alas he has only thought of himself and what his oc would say to his face someday when faced w/him/her.<p>That is as selfish as the affair itself. UW should tread carefully w/c of marriage. But! She must do what will help her insure a mentally healthy, happy life.<p>My H has said over and over that if ow would not have made this an issue of she and me it maybe could have worked out. I also told him in no uncertain terms I cannot dictate his life. Although painful, I would be ok w/o him. If he pursued contact over my need to heal w/him and feel his total commitment to me , I would preserve MYSELF and go.<p>Ow in our case has professed her love to him through her having his baby.
Although a tough road to travel, H has told me over and over he will never go to see oc, he hopes ow will settle in with her h and continue on with him as he has with me. That she will accept what she choose without him.<p>We are now so much a praying couple and H knows incorporating oc would be devastating to all his family.
We will pay the hush money and thank God that he will take care of all of us.<p>Funny, we rewatched "Forrest Gump" last night. Too bad Jenny never saw how or what she could have had w/Forrest. God granted Forrest his fondest wish to marry Jenny but was given a short time w/her. Too little too late eh?
Jenny partied and did drugs to mask her pain. Then discovered the best thing she could ever have had was in simple, moral Forrest, whose love for her was pure and chaste, like our love for our WS.
Sometimes in life you must make decisions that affect the most amount of people w/the least amount of hurt, including yourself.<p>That is what UW wishes for.
It is an insurmountable amount of pain to find WS thinks he/she can have it all, forgiveness, AND oc/ow forever in their lives.<p>It just cannot be for some of us that dealt w/ Fatal Attraction.<p>To tell UW you saw it coming is cruel.<p>UW if you are listening, do the plan b and get h out.<p>Let him think.
You can do the move w/help of courts and great lawyer later on down the line.<p>Until then I wish I could talk to you in person and hold you and tell you that someday, even though you don't believe it, you will be ok.<p>love and many prayers
Debi

unhappy wife, if my H had acted as yours has, I would have been out the door. My H is remorseful, and has shown it everyday since d-day. <p>It sounds as if your H has no regard for your feelings. I'm sorry you are hurting so bad. <p>ember

TO ALL, I understand all your responses. My H does not seem to get what he has done to me daily. He knows he has hurt me, says he is sorry, but as I told him the other night, sorry doesn't cut it. He has destroyed my respect for him, my love, my trust. I don't see it coming back. Fact is, I still find him attractive, on a purely physical basis, but as I also told him, he is no longer worth the pain of all this as he pushed OC into our life, even if he only has contact. Before the year was out, he wanted once a month contact with OC. I told him that was too frequent.Now he is asking for even more of that. But you see, I know him so well, sometimes even better than he. I know as OC grows, is in school, he will want more. Will want to be at school events, in presence of OW. Claims he won't talk to her, and yet, I have asked him not to talk , contact her in any fashion.Not be near her at all. And still, he picked OC up from OW;s home. I don't think they are having sex, but I hardly feel good OW has any contact with H, as she intends for them to stay "good friends" and coparents. Like this is a wonderful thing to do to Oc. FAct is, I don't care for OC at all, but I think what H and OW are doing to child is criminal. Giving the child crumbs of a father, and acting as if that is so wonderful. THe child will be hurt to know father has other kids he is with daily, or more regularly.
Fact is, I have checked with attorney, and H cannot stop me from moving away from this hell hole of a place I live with. I have lived here a long time, and have loved it, but my home and town no longer brings me comfort, just marked distress. My H had OW here-it is now his home, not mine. I tell him this, he hardly hears me.
I am starting to look into separation, and will decide when and how to tell kids. My children know I am unhappy with H, and that he has hurt me in ways I cannot forgive. I am not that young, but look young. I can find another man to love my kids and be an example. I no longer feel as if my H is the example I want my kids to emulate.
I remain sad. It is hard to give up a life- my whole life of adulthood, really with a man I have shared it with.But I no longer can say he is a nice man, a caring man, a man I respect. And how can one stay married to a man who lies, or hides the truth till it is too late, to do what he wants. He conveniently doesn't tell me till morning of contact to suit his needs-because he knew I would not accept it.
I am sorry,I am probably old fashioned, but my H and I married young, and he has always been my only one. The fact he shared so much of himself with another pains me in a way words cannot describe. To spend time with OC, he will give up me, my family, our kids' happiness, our stability for them. I thought I could hold out for my kids, but I cannot. I just can't pretend any longer. I really think it is over. I am downloading separation agreement forms from the web, and planning my next move. Next week I will move out-H will not budge, and I am tired of sleeping on the floor.
I pray my kids will not suffer so much, but I know they will. And the fact their own father did this to them, sickens me.
I think I am as bad as I was upon initial discovery.
This is awful.

Hi unhappy wife,
It sounds like you have been feeling this way for a long, long time, it doesn't sound like this desire to separate suddenly sprung up.<p>Your H has made his choice too, it seems. And, his choice is unacceptable to you (sneaking around behind your back). No one here is arguing with that. He has his reasons and you have yours and they are not jibing together.<p>I cannot understand why he won't read MB concepts tho? THEN, he would realize the condition of your love bank... It sounds like it's too late now, tho. And I agree with you that it IS sad he is willing to throw away his whole family over his love for his OC! Wow...<p>I think the first thing to do is get healthy so that you can be nourished and grow on from this. Your kids will suffer when they see their MOM suffering. Get yourself to a healthy place! The quicker the better... HUGS to you! [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

UW,<p>It sounds like alot of change at once. I admire your strength but I fear that you are operating on emotions. Are you sure that you should move so fast? I don't know your history with H but if you feel strongly that a seperation is necessary, maybe consider seeing how that works out first. Maybe you need some time away to sort out your life and feelings about H, OC, marriage, etc but you may feel differently once you get a fresh breath about his need to be a father to his child and still rebuild your M.
I do think moving your children far away from their daddy will adversly impact them. My H was a child when his family seperated and his mother moved across the country. He only saw his father 3 times in 20 years and they really don't have a relationship. His mother looks back with regret having moved the children so far away.
I'm sure I have a slightly different perspective on this situation, and don't want to offend you, but I would like to say something about your H. I know that he had an A, and that was wrong for him to have done that. But, the fact that he wants to be a father to his OC says alot about his character and potential as your H. Please think about holding off with a D until you are really sure that you can't live with his being a father to oc. Maybe once you see it unfold you may feel confident again about your M because you H chose to stay with you and he won't have anymore secret visits because he won't have to hide it from you. He is torn and that is why he is hiding his visits. It just seems like you love him and he loves you and your M isn't hopeless.

unhappy wife,<p>I'll chime in and let you know that a plan B separation would be an excellent idea at this point. If you need to move, you should do so. Your husband needs to see how his actions will affect his life with his other kids---and you shouldn't take him back to the marriage until he's able to be honest and use the POJA to negotiate all aspects of the marriage. <p>I'll keep you and the kids in my prayers.

I wonder if you H has the realization that he can be a tremendous father to 2 children -- or a half-a**ed father to 3.<p>Why on earth would a man choose that route? Aren't these children important enough to him to make the right decision?<p>It seems like an absolute no-brainer to me. Restore your family, do the work, be the kind of man you should have been all along.<p>Maybe -- Maybe -- after you have done that work, there will be room in the lives of your family for OC. BUT that must be a POJA'd decision -- and it shouldn't even be considered until you've done what you need to do to repair your family.<p>UW -- you are doing the right thing for you and your children. We're all here rooting for you.<p>Take care!

miranda, I am not insulted by your post. But do not believe my H's desire to be a somewhat father to this child speaks to his good character. He believes he must do this, take his obligations and be the good man. I see it as this-- he failed first off in his responsiblities and ties to me and my chidren first.At this stage in the game, I feel he first must repair, if possible, that.Being a father in any shape or form to this child does nothing for me but add to my agony and a life separate from me and our children that already has caused perhaps irreparable heartache and a destruction of a family.<p>The feelings my H has toward OC may help him assuage his guilt, or sense of wrongdoing. it does nothing to assuage what he has destroyed in our life together. In fact, it adds much more pain. <p>The Other woman chose to have the child in my case, initially thinking she would raise the child by self, with no help from H. Months down the road,she changed her mind, sought paternity, and we pay outrageoous
CS payments. Beyond that, as if that isn't enough to alter my life, she now wants H involved. Keep in mind, my H only spent about 1-2 hours a week with OW throughout his affair. She feels even this amount to OC is a good idea. Do you really think that is being a father? I call it crumbs to a child that probably deserves more. Instead of seeking a full time daddy for her child, the oW is teaching the OC that even a few minutes with daddy is good-where I see it that what she is teaching the child is that the child is not worth that much time from him. That he is not important as his other children.That he has lost much out of parent's choices.
NO, my H showed a weakness in his character that he never had showed before. HIs family is beyond grief at what he has done. And they don't see him taking responsibility for OC as character enhancing. Rather, they see it as destroying a life he created with me, and paining many. It really is a selfish act, in my estimation. My H wants to keep his life with me and our kids, and have contact with OC. Not with this wife. I told him he married the wrong wife for that.<p>[ April 22, 2002: Message edited by: unhappy wife ]</p>

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 10:13 PM: Message edited by: whatif? ]</small>

what if and K, you both are right. We need a POJA. But my H has decided he won't do it. See, I prefer no contact with OC at all. He has known this all along, although I have told him, perhaps if I had seen him putting me and our family first, and taking all the time we needed to heal us, at some point, in future, maybe , just maybe I would change my mind about contact. But the fact all along, even after telling me he would agree to no contact, he continued to do so, behind my back, without telling me, he has gone against anything we ever agreed or not agreed on. He just feels he must do this, and wants my support. I don't think this is the way to get it.
worse, a little bit more of my love for him goes away when he does this. See, I know he still loves me, loves the life we have with our family. He doesn't want to give that up-- but doesn't want to give up the OC either. Feels stressed by it all. I think, give up contact, we can heal, see what happens. He has not been able to do that, obviously, and for that, I feel totally unconsidered and not valued, by him.
No, what if, I did not take offense to your message. I think I got what you were trying to say the first time.