My wife and I have been married for about ten years. She is older. We got married when I was in my early twenties. I did not have much sexual experience when we married. I wasn't a virgin, but I had not had very many lovers. We shared information about our pasts when we started dating -- this was mostly for the sake of clearing the air of any concerns about VD, etc. We didn't dwell too much. My wife's past didn't sound too bad., nothing unusual, or that I couldn't live with. She claimed to have had as many lovers as I had.
About a moth ago, after drinking (she doen't drink often) she revealed to me that her "past" was much more complex and active and included many more partners then she had initially told me. She even was involved in situations with multiple partners. I was shocked and angry. After she sobered up, she said that she was sorry that she had told me, since she realized that I was upset. She's told me that it all is in the past so why worry about it. It was before me. The problem is that I can't get over it -- not just the lack of honesty but the images are haunting me. Added to this is the fact that the last few years, after we have had children, she has been much less responsive in bed. I understand, kids and all, the drive would be less, but this revelation of my wife's that she had this wild sex life has made me angry and resentful. It sounds like she was having this wild time, and then wanted to settle down, knew that the type of guy she wanted to marry wouldn't marry her if he knew about her past, and so she lied. I don't know, I'm still angry and upset and don't knwo what to do. How do I deal with this? She doesn't want to talk about it, and she is acting like it is only my problem and that I should deal with it myself.
Help?!

I think you have every right to be upset.

Everyone is free to set the "features" they want in a spouse. If you wanted someone with Orange hair, well, good luck, but that was your call...

If you wanted someone with a similar se_xual history, that was also your call.

So, what she did, was artificially meet your "requirements". She gave you faulty data, on which you based important decisions. So, yes, I think you have every right to be mad.

I would be. I was....

My situation is not identical to yours, but shares some similarities.

It caused me to look at her differently. She had presented herself to me as "A", when she was in fact a "B".

Then, she wanted to be treated as an "A", in the marriage.

Well, anyway, it still pi_sses me off, to have my choices taken away from me. If I were to have told her that I was getting my PhD, when instead I was an uneducated bum with no prospects, she wouldn't have liked that too much, right?

But now, you can't do much about it.

In my case, not only did I look at my wife differently, I then knew she was capable of much more than I ever thought, which, combined with the lie (over the years), left me without much trust.

BTW, her attitude, that you should just get over it, is the same disrespectful one she displayed towards you when she first lied, then carried on with the lie over the years.

Anyway, good luck.

<small>[ June 01, 2004, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: MLM2 ]</small>

Thanks for the comments. I guess I needed to vent. She refuses to discuss the issue with me ... why she lied. She did say that she was younger she didn't feel that that "Past" represented who she was when she met me. I did tell her that I was honest with her about my past and was assuming that she was being honest with me about hers. She did ask, or rather yell, if I would have married her if I had known. My response was I don't know, but I had the right to be confronted with the truth at that time, to make a decision with a full understanding of everything.
Another added twist to this is that we recently moved back to my wife's hometown (in the midwest and not too large). We did this, at some sacrifice, to be nearer to her mother, since her father died last year. Well, now my wife has admitted that she had a large number, let's round it down to a dozen, of sexual partners in high school, and many of them still live here. So here I am surrounded by her past sex partners feeling ashamed and humiliated by the situation.
We have two young kids, but I am still thinking of divorce -- my wife says it wouldn't be fair since she claims that she's been faithful to me in our marriage. Why have the kids suffer? But the whole relationship was built on a lie. I can't stand the situation. I want to get the hell out. Am I being completely unreasonable?

I'm still married. While BAD, and deceitful (she told you why she lied - she didn't think you would marry her), it is NOT as bad as being unfaithful (for just se_x kicks).

Still, you MAY not have married her for that, and that was your right. Marriage is a fully discretionary relationship, and, a priori, you can have whatever qualifications you choose. It is perfectly permissible to have requirements about past se_xual behavior. Just like some people have requirements about education level, general morality, etc.......

And, it also has NOTHING to do with your own behavior. You can still have whatever requirements YOU WANT.

Things do not have to be even, ti_t for tat, all the way down the list. NOTHING else, about your attributes, are ti_t for tat, right? So, why should this aspect be subject to that requirement?

As for me, I was no longer amenable to accepting my wife as a miss priss. My wife has had to put up with closer scrutiny, too. I also think less of her in general. But, I did have her up a bit on a pedastal before....

FAVORABLY, your wife did consider her behavior to low-life, too (or, why did she withhold the info?). And, she was young. She asserts now that she has been faithful. So, there are signs that she would not do this stuff NOW.

You CAN live with some distrust. It is possible. And, if you divorce, you're going to become an uncle. Is that worth it?

Plus, she is finally beginning to sound as though she is sorry. I think that's important, too.

Good luck..

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 01:08 PM: Message edited by: MLM2 ]</small>

I am not excusing your W's omissions. That was wrong. But I feel it would be equally wrong for you to destroy your family over it.

Your upset/anger is natural. And you will have to deal with this as a couple. I strongly suggest marital counseling, to help you deal with the painful emotions and help your W understand that your trust in her as your wife and confidante is shaken. In the whole mix, it does sound like your W has indeed been faithful to you during the marriage and you have children together. Weigh in those positives. IMO based on what you've shared so far, this is a marriage worth saving so don't give up on it. Aren't you a better person than one who would leave his wife and children?

I do wonder...were there problems in the marriage already, and this revelation is FURTHER pushing you out the door?

Gosh, I read your post and wonder if you could do me a favor and read it yourself...

You love someone, you marry them, start a family, do a wonderful thing by moving to be near her mom after her dad passes.... and what happened? What she did as a teenager and young person changes everything? All that you have been through as a couple, the birth of the kids, that time I'm guessing that she went out of her way to make sure you were happy at her expense.

She messed up. We all have. Judging by your reaction now I bet it wasn't easy for her to keep this to herself for so long.

If we had the ability to go back and fix our mistakes I bet that she would be first in line. But we don't have that ability... we can only learn and go forward.

There could be other things going on with your marriage like Lucks said...

And there could be other things going on with her. If she was unhappy about her past she may have thought it would be easier just to stuff it away and forget about it. Maybe she acted out sexually because of a reason. Rape and abuse can make people do some pretty weird things. By shutting her out now, and reacting so harshly to her booze induced confession she may never tell you or anyone if there was some reason she did what she did.

Another possibility is that she "confessed" about her past because she herself is frustrated with the infrequent SF you're getting now?

Think about it. Don't be defensive. Be GRATEFUL that you have an oppor2nity 2 identify shortcomings that you can address before something like infidelity becomes an issue.

Marriage takes maintenance. Maintenance requires work. Work builds skill.

Again, think of this as an oppor2nity, not an "end".

-ol' 2long

You are right, all of you. But I need to vent, to get alot of anger over this out of my system. The whole experience has made me feel really hollow. She doesn't want ot go into counseling, but I am. There is a clergyman who I know back in LA who I can open up to. I have insisted that we make other arrangements to take care of her mother. I don't want to stay in this hometown of hers. I think, in light of what I have to live with, she shouldn't object to moving back. We can have her mom live with us -- we didn't sell our old house, we're renting it out; so moving shouldn't be a great problem.
My mom destroyed two marriages by having a series of affairs. My childhood was pretty chaotic. My wife knew that I had issues of trust, very deep issues of trust; so this might seem like an "oh, well, it's in the past" situation to many of you, and it might seem like I'm over reacting, but damn, she knew what I'd gone through, I asked her to be totally honest with me, I was totally honest with her -- it was an issue of trust more than anything else. Would I have married her if I had known ... hard to say, at twenty-two I might have been too insecure to do so; at thirty-two maybe I'm not. But if she could lie to me for over a decade ... well. Whew, ....I am going to work on this, our kids deserve that much. Anyway, thank you all for your comments -- I needed to confide somewhere.

Dear ccj:

"My mom destroyed two marriages by having a series of affairs"

I think this is what is bothering you - you think that maybe because your wife was promiscuous when she was younger that she may now be later in life. Her past sexual history does not mean that she is going to have an affair. Have you discussed this with her? that this is the reason you are so upset about the past.

I understand your anger about her not telling you the truth, however I agree with justthewife, you need to stand back objectively, you have a family, a wife that you love.

I think it is good you are going for IC - I think you should be able to speak with your wife about this too though, about your fears - you should have open communication, explain to her what you are thinking, the problem you have with the whole issue, keep trying and don't let her sweep it under the rug.

Dear S1000,

Thank you for the comment. I am trying to work on it, and I do realize that much of my discomfort with this matter has to do with my growing up in a situation where there was alot of betrayal and pain. I will try to get my wife to join me in some counseling -- she wants the marriage to go back to a situation where it was "before I knew." That is impossible, you can't go back that -- that doesn't mean that the future will be bad, it might even be better, but she has to help, and that means, for me, at least, some counseling.
She says that she doesn't want to go into counseling because she doesn't want the counselor to know about what she has done in the past. I said that we could find someone neutral, someone we did not know but were refered to -- I said I don't care if the couselor is male or female, if she would be more comfortable with a woman, fine. Anyway, I'm trying.