It has been a hard month for me. Alot has happened to us and alot has not been happening with us.
As you may recall the last post I wrote had to do with the fact that I so desperately want to have another baby. Although I do not want to get into the reasoning again, just suffice it to say that it was important to me and my H does understand how I feel and why I feel this way. And little did I know that at the time of the post I was pregnant.
I was beginning to understand what alot of people were saying in thier replies, and that I was also beginning to realize that maybe my H and I needed a little more time to heal. The pregnancy did take us off guard, I was sure that we "did it" at a safe time, but...well...
So when I found out I was pregnant we fought alot about money and that it wasn't planned this way, but we had to deal with it. I was going to have to go back to work, something that completely devastated me. I was a complete wreck.
I was not taking care of myself as if I was pregnant. I wasn't eating right and I was cleaning alot for the Easter Holiday. We were having family visiting our new home, and we also were having alot of work done to our house so we had to vacate a few days. I was probably doing too much. And the stress of the arguements...
As you all can probably guess where this is going, I lost the baby at 5 1/2 weeks, but my body didn't let me know until this past week, I would have been 9 1/2 weeks. It is very sad for us as we had come to an agreement comfortable for each of us, and we were both beginning to get excited about the baby.
I know in my head that there was probably something wrong, but I can't help but think that I could have done so much more to take better care of myself and also I could have asked for alot more help,thus not have the miscarriage. In my heart I feel that I just did so much, and i could have asked for more help when packing the car and scrubbing the floors but...
I am coping now, and trying to look at this as a chance to work on us so that we can "plan" better for the next time we try. Unfortunately, now that I have been pregnant I want it to happen so much more now. My doctor says that b/c of my age...37 in 2 weeks ( [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] ) that the risks are greater and he advises that if we want another we should try again soon. Hopefully now that we have things settled we can focus on our marriage for a few months while I heal so that all around it will be a happier time.<p>On the good side, my H has been offered a wonderful position, one that gives him the ability to use his creativity and implement his own ideas to create a new department for a new company. It may mean that we will have to move again, but I decided that this was such a great opportunity for him, (and yes the pay raise does help!) that I am willing to make that sacrafice for him. We are going to see if we can try to stay, but his thoughts are we wil have to move within the next year.<p>So now I will be trying to work on our marriage, trying to get unstuck from where I am, and try to understand that while there are things that I need to get thru from learning and dealing with the fact my H had an affair, there are things that he needs from me as well, to heal from the trouble our marriage was in before he had the affair. I am learning what he needs, but I may need your help in showing him what I need. I will post on this in a separate thread.
I am still...
NGU<p>[ April 23, 2002: Message edited by: Not Giving Up ]</p>

Dear NGU,<p>I am so sorry that you have lost this little one. Even if you both were still figuring out what this new child would mean for your lives, I am sure that you both feel a great loss.<p>Honestly, I would never, ever tell someone who had just had a miscarriage that the baby probably had a severe genetic problem. I would think that that would be very invalidating of the pain they were experiencing. However, since you seem to be blaming yourself for your miscarriage, I would try this: Most (I think about 80%) of all spontaneous early miscarriages are because the fetus is missing a chromosome or has an extra one or has another major (spontaneous) birth defect. You don't have to be carrying a major birth defect in your own genes for your fetus to have one. Lots of things are spontaneous and occur in the division of your (or your husbands chromosomes) into egg and sperm and in the rejoining of 1/2 sets into a new life. <p>Also, my sister has three children by a man she is not married to. He is irresponsible, has children by many women, does not support even the children of his marriage. She loves this man and continues to have a part-time relationship with him. It seems to be some sort of addiction on her part. Anyway, she got pregnant with a fourth child by him, and then miscarried. She felt very guilty because she hadn't wanted to be pregnant yet again by this man. Her OB-GYN told her, very kindly, that her thoughts and feelings could not have caused this miscarriage. I imagine that the same is true for your stress and even your overwork. To use a fairly common example, even women who work like slaves in rice paddies give birth to children all the time. They work at hard physical labor, have horrible nutrition, live with the great stress of poverty and still have babies. The goal of nature is reproduction. It must be pretty difficult to stress or wish a baby out of your body. Please go easy on yourself. I doubt that any of this is your fault.<p>{{{{{NGU}}}}}<p>MJ

I had more miscarriages in my pregnancy attempts than you can imagine. None of them were my fault. This one is not yours either. I hope pregnancy comes to you when you and H are ready again.

I agree with MaryJanes and unhappy wife. Miscarriages don't happen from working hard or stress. My husband had an affair while I was pregnant with my daughter, and I knew about it. He told me everything in my 8th month that I wanted to know and it ended. I worked as an automotive mechanic the entire pregnancy and did the same things I had done before the pregnancy. My labor was easier and lasted 3 hours compared to my first...which was for days. I had several miscarriages before and I believe that it just wasn't time. God blessed me with my daughter and I appreciate the chance to raise a child again and her being here has made our marriage better than ever. When I found out I was pregnant, went straight to the doctor and didn't get excited until I made it out the woods (3 mths). That is when I told everyone...that way it wouldn't be so much of a let down. I am sure you will have a baby, but don't try so hard. I did for a year...I knew my cervical mucus days and ovulation days and never got pregnant. As soon as 2 months after stop trying, I was late. I believe everything will work out. God Bless!

Dear NGU,<p>I replied to your other post, but just read this one. I am so sorry for your loss and join the others in saying it was definitely not your fault. Babies are either meant to be or not. That does not change the pain you feel at your loss but you should not feel responsible for it.<p>Seven months ago I gave birth to premature twins. Both died within two days. As women we all tend to do too much, or worry too much, or take care of others before ourselves. But, we have to believe that God has a plan and even though we don't understand it, we have to accept it. I was devastated for months so I know how deeply it hurts to lose your child. I have had several miscarriages before but, to me, each one was a real child that I had hopes and dreams for.<p>Take good care of you for now NGU - you'll make it through next time.<p>love,
heavenly

Thank you all for your well wishes, thoughts and prayers. Like I said in the post, in my head I know that there was probably something wrong with the baby, but in my heart I find myself going over all I did. Even today, a week later, I realized that I was vacumming my van out, twisting this way and that, in 90 degree weather and had to climb a fence to save my bird from the nieghbors 2 dogs...all in the days that it probably happened. I had three very healthy pregnancies, uneventful and beyond term,so for me it is hard to believe that I did not pay more attention to what I was doing.
However, I cry it out and then hope for what the future will bring. I have to focus on making that a better future right now...
NGU

<<<HUGS>>><p>I have been reading all your posts and I know this is not the subject, but wanted to show you this article as maybe a way to explain to your H and really show him how to meet your EN for affection... in case you have not read it yet...<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>From "How to Meet the Need for Affection" by Dr.Harley
<strong>Whenever I counsel a man who is not very affectionate, I give him a list of things to do every day (I usually make up the list with his wife who tells me what to include). He must do each of them and check them off the list as he does it.

1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.
2. Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.
3. Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work.
4. Call her during the day to ask how she is doing and that you love her.
5. After work, call her before you leave to tell her when you will be home, and tell her you love her.
6. Buy her flowers on the way home at least once a week, with a card that tells her you love her.
7. When you arrive home from work, give her a big hug and kiss and spend a few minutes talking to her about how her day went. Don't do anything else before you have given her your undivided attention.
8. Tell her that you love her as you are having dinner together.
9. Help her clear off the table and wash and dry the dishes with her, giving her a hug and kiss at least once, and tell her that you love her.
10. Hug and kiss her and tell her you love her in bed before you both go to sleep.

As the weeks go by, I have the wives review the list to be certain there isn't anything in it that they object to, or that should be added.<p>Wives will often complain that it's not real affection because it doesn't come from the heart. If their husbands have to be told what to do, they're not really being affectionate. But this exercise in affection is not fake. It is real. <p>Their husbands really do love them and whenever they express that love, it is real. The problem is that they have not learned to express how they really feel. This exercise simply teaches them how to show their wives the affection that they've felt all along. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>[ April 24, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

NGU,<p>I'm so sorry for your loss of your baby and stress in the marriage. It happens so sadly often... perhaps as often as 1 in 4 statistically. ...Which doesn't feel any better when it happens to you.<p>Prayers for you and your family's healing,
J
(mom to 2 on earth, 4 in heaven)