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Joined: Dec 2001
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My W had an A that lasted 4 months. Recently, she has found out she is pregnant with the OM's child. Also, she has started seeing the OM for what he really is, and seems to be wanting to come back and make our M work. She has started back to church, and is studying the bible as to what it mentions about adultrey. My question is how do I do the right thing/what is the right thing? If my W really does want the M to work, how do we go about things with her new child coming into the picture. How do we deal with the fact that the OM will now be part of her life for a long time? I am so confused. I want my M to work, but the child adds a whole new twist!<p>Jive

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Confused,
I can feel your pain. I have a few questions to ask to respond properly to your post.
1. Is W still in contact with OM?
2. Does OM know W is Pregnant?
3. Do you have children together?
4. Do you know how strong you are? <p>The last question is not really fair... because "with God I can do all things" [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . This is not an easy situation you find yourself in. I will tell you that you can save your marriage and the good news is you came to the right place to get all the support you need!! <p>Sailor<p>P.S. My D from W's affair is 13 mos. and such a joy.

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Dear confused<p>You have just endured quite a blow that is going to take a lot of time, patience and understanding for both of you. It sounds like your wife wants to stay in and work on the marriage, and that you do too.<p>We have several men on this site that are in the same position you are in and have lots of experience and advice in dealing with marital recovery and incorporating your wife's child into the marriage. You will probably hear from K and pops and others soon.<p>Has your wife told you what she wants to do about the child? Whether she wants to keep it and ask you to accept this child? Has she mentioned adoption? Does the OM know she is pregnant?<p>Since you say you want to save the marriage, you sound like you are willing to consider compromise and options...there is so much to think about, talk about and determine. Keep checking back for replies and post here often. Perhaps you can give us additional information.<p>Wishing you God's healing, comfort and strength.<p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ April 24, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

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Yes, the OM does know about the child. My W has been in the bible for the past 2 days, trying to find out what God would want her to do. I'm in the same boat now, I don't really know what is the right thing to do. We hav a 2 yr. old son, which, right now, is the main reason I am wanting the M to work. She is not seeing the OM right now, and hasn't for the past 2 weeks. I'll keep you updated.<p>Jive

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Hello,
I just wanted to say you came to the right place. There are people here that are in the same situation as you. I am sure that they will come along and give you advice.<p>Dawn<p>[ April 24, 2002: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</p>

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Dear Confused,<p>I am very sorry that you find yourself in this situation. Sailorman is right that you have come to the right place to find answers for rebuilding your marriage.<p>Do you and your wife already have children together? Whether or not you do probably plays into the advice I would give.<p>Let me tell you, I am not in your position. I am the BS and my H fathered a child by his long-term affair (I never knew it was going on.) So, although we have 4x a year visitation, I am not raising my H's OC.<p>However, I am also a child conceived of an affair and I can tell you that my Dad (not my birthfather, I have never known him) thinks the sun rises and sets with me. My mother did not deceive him into thinking that I was his biological child. They were having marriage trouble, they split, she got pregnant by an old boyfriend. My Dad (NOT BIO-FATHER) still loved her and wanted to reconcile even knowing that she was pregnant. They went on to have three more daughters. Many years later, their marriage failed and my Dad remarried and had three more daughters. So, of his seven girls, I have turned out to be his favorite. We have a closeness that still boggles my mind. The only argument we have ever had was if I was luckier that God gave him to me to be my father or if God gave me to him to be his daughter. (I didn't learn the truth of my parentage until I was 35. Big mistake on their part.)<p>You have an economic factor to consider that I do not. My H's exOW is single and my H will have to pay child support for the next 18 or 21 years whether our marriage lasts or not.<p>If you reconcile with your wife and raise this child as your own, in many states if you have not contested paternity w/in two years, you will remain the child's legal father whether or not your marriage lasts. Now if you have other children w/ your wife, that is a minor consideration. If you eventually divorce and have to pay $1,000 / mo for the children born of your marriage and pay an additional $100 for the child born of your wife's affair, that is a minor consideration.<p>However, if there are no children of the marriage, you try to reconcile but can't make it and you divorce after a couple of years, you will be financially obligated just as if you had been the birth father.<p>Another choice would be to reconcile w/ your wife and contest paternity. This would force exOM to pay child support but would also give him visitation rights. This would involve this man in the rest of your lives. Some here have decided not to tell exOM of the pregnancy. In many states he cannot sue for paternity if your wife is still married to you. The law also used to prevent husbands from claiming that they were not the father of a child born during the marriage, even if the couple was separated. It comes from an old English law to prevent declaring children "[censored]" or "illegitimate." Please excuse those ugly words, they are not meant as judgments (as I am one) but they are accurate legal terms or at least were. I do not think of our OC as either of those ugly words and would never call any child such a horrible thing. (FYI, I checked up on paternity laws 7 years ago when I learned that my Dad was not my bio-father. I wanted to make sure I would still inherit his millions--HA HA. Just kidding. I needed to know that I was still legally his child as no adoption procedure had ever taken place. Because I was born while they were still married, I was legally his child. The law applies that was in force at the time of my birth and even if he had wanted to, at that time, he could not have contested my paternity.<p>You need to talk to a family lawyer about this as the laws vary in each state. <p>So, I would advise you get some counseling and weigh your options carefully. I think that most men in your situation can and do come to love this child as their own. I know of many on this board who have.<p>I wish you all the best and am surprised by how calm you sounded in your first posting. Most of us were pretty balliistic at your point in the process.<p>MJ<p>PS If you decide to rebuild your marriage, please consider counselling with the Harleys. They offer phone counseling, but unfortunatley do not accept any insurance coverage. I don't think any plans pay for phone counseling. They do have a network of marriage counselors trained in their procedures and can give you a list of people in your state.

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confused:<p>Four years ago, I was pretty much in a similar situation. My wife and I had two children together, but other than that difference, we could have the same story (well, at the time I discovered the pregnancy, my wife's affair was active but approaching the "turmoil" point). Today I'm the proud father of three kids, and the youngest is a very special child to me---a true gift from God. Our marriage is better (not perfect). And I don't spend a lot of time dwelling on the affair. We are fortunate in that the OM has gone away, although he did know about the pregnancy, the affair ended badly (hooray for me... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) and he threatened to sue for legal custody. We never heard from him after the second trimester, which is how I would prefer it.<p>You've gotten a lot of great advice. I'd also ask you to consider the MB phone counseling. It's gotten a bit more expensive than it was when I was going through this, but it's still a bargain. Steve or Jenn Harley would work with the two of you to get a quick grasp on the Rule of (radical) Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. If the two of you can come up to speed on those skills, you'll be able to work through the various scenarios and come up with a solution that you will be successful at. If you can work through this HUGE issue with your wife in a way that is thoughtful and caring---it's a terrific opportunity to bring some love back into your marriage.<p>God bless.

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I just had to reply to your post. I have a 1 year old son that was fathered by an OM. I am currently divorced but we are attempting a reconcilation. It's a long complicated story but a brief background. Was married for 10 years, last 5 years of marriage we really took each other for granted. H had an affair, we separated, I got involved with a co-worker (single) very briefly and I got pregnant.<p>After I told my now ex husband about the preganacy he moved full steam ahead with the divorce. Things are completely over with OM but we are still friends for our son's sake and even share custody (50/50). My ex ended things with the OW completely when he realized he did not love her and was in a fantasy world.<p>I will be honest with you. It has been a very long hard road. There are many issues like can he accept OM being a constant part of our lives. He has bonded with my son and has no problem with him. Then there are all the legal issues. If you stay legally married to her you could be deemed the father and forced to pay child support. I don't think anybody would want to pay CS for a child they have not adopted or biologically theirs. You need to protect yourself. I am not even sure if things will work out with my ex even though it looks like there is a good chance it actually might. I wish you the best.

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Dear Confused,<p>I have not written in many months, nor even read this board for a long time. As I healed, it became important for me to stop focusing on my wife's affair.<p>However, I stopped by today, and saw your post. My youngest child is, biologically, the other man's. I found out when my son was three months old. The affair ended at that point, and I continued to raise him as my own. Our marriage slowly healed, and we have become much closer than we had been in the years just before the affair.<p>For me, the most crucial decision was - did I want to be this child's father? And I decided that I wanted him to be fully a part of our family, whether or not that family remained whole. I loved him and did not want to see him split off from his siblings, always left out.<p>You have many things to consider now. I would recommend only a few essential factors. Things that I, at least, consider essential.<p>(1) If you want to consider rebuilding your marriage, your wife must agree not to contact the other man. The pregnancy does not change this. The other man should have no part in your life. I would not have consented to be part of a marriage in which the other man stopped by to visit 'his' child. I would have found that relationship too demeaning, and I know from experience that it would also have destabalized our own ability to rebuild.<p>And the other man has no 'right' to be involved. Not in someone else's marriage, unless you and your wife agree legally to give him those rights.<p>(2) Even if you do divorce, you might still want to raise this child. You have some time to think about this (a year or two). It is not an easy decision. Please talk to a lawyer in your state. The laws vary.<p>(3) Please find a good therapist to work with you over the next few years. I can't emphasize this point enough. The emotional devastation and adjustment are so large, you will need help to keep you on an even course.<p>Although I think it is good for your wife to be turning to religion for help, I don't expect her to find any answers directly in the Bible. It doesn't work that way. If she is seeking counsel, she should be honest and open with people that she respects, therapists and clergy, and listen to their prespective. The mere fact of openly discussing with others what she has hidden could be a tremendous help for her.<p>I know that it will be years until you find peace, but I wish for you inner strength and integrity, compassion and the ability to stand up now for what you believe to be right.<p>And you might find an extra gift. My youngest son is a constant delight. I love him so much, and he returns that love so openly. I con't easlily express how happy I am that he is part of our family.<p>If you would like to know more, you can search for my old posts.<p>Good luck,<p>StillTrying

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Dear Confused,<p>I have not written in many months, nor even read this board for a long time. As I healed, it became important for me to stop focusing on my wife's affair.<p>However, I stopped by today, and saw your post. My youngest child is, biologically, the other man's. I found out when my son was three months old. The affair ended at that point, and I continued to raise him as my own. Our marriage slowly healed, and we have become much closer than we had been in the years just before the affair.<p>For me, the most crucial decision was - did I want to be this child's father? And I decided that I wanted him to be fully a part of our family, whether or not that family remained whole. I loved him and did not want to see him split off from his siblings, always left out.<p>You have many things to consider now. I would recommend only a few essential factors. Things that I, at least, consider essential.<p>(1) If you want to consider rebuilding your marriage, your wife must agree not to contact the other man. The pregnancy does not change this. The other man should have no part in your life. I would not have consented to be part of a marriage in which the other man stopped by to visit 'his' child. I would have found that relationship too demeaning, and I know from experience that it would also have destabalized our own ability to rebuild.<p>And the other man has no 'right' to be involved. Not in someone else's marriage, unless you and your wife agree legally to give him those rights.<p>(2) Even if you do divorce, you might still want to raise this child. You have some time to think about this (a year or two). It is not an easy decision. Please talk to a lawyer in your state. The laws vary.<p>(3) Please find a good therapist to work with you over the next few years. I can't emphasize this point enough. The emotional devastation and adjustment are so large, you will need help to keep you on an even course.<p>Although I think it is good for your wife to be turning to religion for help, I don't expect her to find any answers directly in the Bible. It doesn't work that way. If she is seeking counsel, she should be honest and open with people that she respects, therapists and clergy, and listen to their prespective. The mere fact of openly discussing with others what she has hidden could be a tremendous help for her.<p>I know that it will be years until you find peace, but I wish for you inner strength and integrity, compassion and the ability to stand up now for what you believe to be right.<p>And you might find an extra gift. My youngest son is a constant delight. I love him so much, and he returns that love so openly. I con't easlily express how happy I am that he is part of our family.<p>If you would like to know more, you can search for my old posts.<p>Good luck,<p>StillTrying

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Thanx for all your replies. Eveything is just so confusing now. We had a first? hearing on the 26th, and we told the lawyers we were attempting to reconcile, They told us to try that for a month then they would check back to see if we wanted to go ahead with the D. <p>The OM wants the child to have his last name, and wants to be able to see him/her, and also requested that he be allowed in the delivery room. I think that is absurd!! Also, he seems to be very "vengeful", as my W is afraid that if she tells him that she doesn't want him to have contact, he will go nuts, and harm her car etc. What legal rights do we have? (We live in WV)What can we do in order to stop him from being constantly in our lives? (If that is possible). I get the feeling he is only wanting to be in contact because he "lost" my W to me, and he's just doing it for spite. I just do not see how this M could ever work with him in the picture!<p>Confused

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Confused,<p>You will definitely need to discuss this with a lawyer---laws vary for different states. However, in general, if you and your wife are married when a child is conceived, then you are presumed to be the father. The OM has no "rights" at this point. He cannot force you to put his name on the birth certificate. He cannot force his way into the delivery room. And any "spiteful and vengeful" behavior by him will hurt any chances he has for future consideration in court, so by all means make sure you document everything. In addition, you might want to involve the police and get a restraining order against him. (Of course, everything the two of you choose to do should be decided by using the POJA).<p>If the OM decides he wants to pursue this, he will need to "sue" for paternity. He'll have to file this motion in court, and then you, he, your wife, and the child will have DNA samples taken and compared. If he is established as the father, he'll have some "rights", as well as financial responsibilities. In our case, the OM made some similar types of threats (including threatening going for "sole custody"---a ridiculous idea). The good news from your standpoint is that these threats are clear lovebusters between your wife and this man, and fighting over an unborn child is one of the surest ways to destroy an affair. If you and your wife can agree on a plan of action, you'll have lots of opportunities to rebuild love.<p>The marriage could work even with his involvement. It's unlikely that he would have much unsupervised visitation in the first year. You could mediate all visits, and your wife would never have to see the OM again. It may not be easy for you, but it's certainly a way for you to regain some of the control over this situation. But you need to talk with your lawyer about this eventuality

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confused,
as far as ive been told, as long as you are married, the om has no rights at all. i was told he cant even request a paternity test. but you should check and make sure--talk to a lawyer or someone that knows the laws in your state concerning this issue. i did have a child from an A, and as of this date the om has no rights. i was told the only way he can get any is if i persue cs, which would give him the legal right of showing hes the biofather and can go for visitation rights. so the suggestion of getting a restraining order is a good one, he has no right invading any more hurt into your marriage and it is crazy to think he has the right of watching the birth. do what is best for your marriage and your future. fh

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Being at a birth is about bonding as a couple and a family. Of course XOM is absurd!!<p>Confused, I hope your marriage gets on track. Find out your legal rights, get a restraining order on XOM, and I hope you can recover as a family! (No more advice, as I'm B. wife.)<p>Prayers,
J
in recovery 3+ years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

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sowwy to hear what youre going thru, but i'm in the same boat as you are confuced, i have been living in Vegas for over 4 yrs now and my H has not tried to move here with I and the children we have together, i moved here four yrs ago to try to make my marriage work and he never came here,he would show up on weekends here and there. but i felt as if i was a piece of meat to him only, i let the marriage stay that way until just last yr, when i decided to go out with some firends of mine and enjoy myself. wasn't looking for anything, it found me. this man had everything i wanted, but i only wished it was my H. the OM filled a void that i wasn't getting from my H and i ended up pregnant,i am 8 months pregnant, and i handed my H my divorce papers before i ended this way. and he would not sign them. so i went to him after i found out i was pregnant and told him about it all, trying to be honest to make our marriage strongerand thinking with what he said after i told him about the affair, our marriage would survive anything, four months later my H turns to me and says i want this done and over with, i'm hurt and i don't know how to mend this marriage, i'm not seeing the OM and i have been home alone for four months now and my H has turn cold hearted to me, won't answer any of my questions or even face me, i know i hurt him but i was hurt too,i have admitted i have done wrong and i messed up big time and i want to make it work out for our 4 kids we have together.but i don't think theres away to mend this one. how can one change their mind from telling one its okay everyone makes mistakes and i love you more then you know and you still excite me, to nothing at all.. please i need help here and i all alone trying to find answers to talk to him about repairing my marriage thank you for your time and have a great beautiful day and god bless you all and we have been married for 16 and 1/2 yrs almost 17 in Aug. <S><p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: Lost/alone ]<p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: Lost/alone ]</p>

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confused,,,,, sorry to have to welcome you here. the advice you have read here about an attorney is very important to listen to. the next point is to talk with your wife and see where she stands and what she wants in all this. if she wants her marriage to last then you and her have a united front and the om has lost. i am not a lawyer but my quess is he has no rights. your wifes main priority now should be making this as easy on you as possible. that means that what you want as far as name goes and as far as allowing om visitation or not should be most important thing to her.


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