im from the gen. q II boards- my husband had an affair recently. through our discussions about his past i have learned that his dad, who died when husband was 8, had an affair also. when my husband was 11 he found some papers hidden in basement to his mom that a child came out of the affair. no one knows about any of this. husband is one of 4 kids. the youngest. his mom doesnt know he knows and he has been carrying this around all this time. he has disclosed this to me and i dont know whether to try to get him to deal with this ar not. he says he doesnt care about this 1/2 brother or sister and wants to forget it. obviously it hasnt been forgotten.<p>i guess i just dont know what to do with this info?? help, any advice would be appreciated.

nikko,<p>If I were you, I would listen to your husband if he wants to talk about it. He says he doesn't care---if that's true, then you should in no way try to interfere with this issue. If you feel the need to discuss any of this with him, follow the POJA guidelines.<p>He'll never be able to "forget" this. But unless you feel there's a major issue that he's having with it, he'll probably be able to function fine with leaving things just the way they are.

dear k- you have answered my posts in the past and always given me great advice-thank you. i will not do anything to push this subject. i just believe that all i found out about his history and about the death of his father and the fact that he never dealt with any of this has to be a contributing factor somehow. if you remember he is emotionally closed off. when he told me all this i was shaking-i cant believe he has lived with all this since childhood. he is not into actively seeking counseling either. i dont think he ever will. i will hopefully be in touch with the harleys for me soon. i just dont want him to carry this burden by himself. he has a lot of regrets about his fathers death, things that werent discussed or said, he also chose not to go to funeral. his mom isnt in the greatest of health and i dont want the same thing to happen again.<p>i guess ill just be here for him when he needs me.

nikko, if my H were in that position, I would not bring up the subject. But if H brought up subject again, on his own, I would ask him if he would like to talk about it.<p>ember

nikko,<p>All you can do is to create an environment that is conducive to him sharing his feelings with you. That generally entails good listening skills and avoiding lovebusters (especially disrespectful judgements). I have no doubt that it wouldn't hurt your husband to deal with this, especially if he's been acting at times as though the repression of these feelings have taken their toll. However, for this to happen in a successful manner---he has to initiate it.<p>On the other hand, if you're going to do some counseling with the Harley's, hopefully you'll demonstrate the positive aspects of counseling. I know it took my wife a long (long) time to get to counseling after her affair---and she still needs to deal with some issues now. I'd love to drag her to a therapist and say "fix this!!!", but that's not the way it works... Too bad, huh! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

dear ember- thank you for the response, i do let him initiate all this. he told me ll this out of the blue. i had no clue. he had never shared his history with me before.<p>k-thanks again for the response also. i hope he does see the positive. i know the stress in his life right now is taking its toll-hes having lots of physical problems. the biggest is his neck is actually curved in the wrong direction. just got mri results. i know i cant force him to do anything, i just wish i could do something.<p>in my business i tell people all the time-make sure this is what you really want,there isn't a magic wand in the place to help you later.<p>would be nice though, wouldnt it.

nikko, I have another thought. Is your mother-in-law still alive, and sharp minded? If so maybe your H is trying to get the courage to tell his M he knows.<p>Like I said, just a thought.<p>ember

dear ember- yes she is still alive, not in great health though. she has battled cancer and other major health issues-long story. she is also wickedly sharp minded. i dont think he is trying to get courage-this is a family that burries everything. thanks for the thought though.

I have a situation in my H's family that's similar, though not identical. My H has a sister and a brother. The brother is the oldest and the sister is the youngest. This parents divorced when the sister was 5yrs old. At the time of her birth the older brother was told confidentially by the dad that the sister was not his child. (It was known w/in their family that his mom was having an affair w/ her boss.) My H and I figured it out one day looking at a photo album where his mom had taped a pic of the sister and the boss right next to each other. The resembelence was undeniable. The Mom doesnt know any of us know, and we dont know if the sister knows. <p>Although I am a strong believer in a person knowing their background, and family medical history, we figured it isnt our business at this time. As long as all the parents are alive and they arent talking, why should we butt in. I also believe that every thing comes out eventually. I will feel sorry for his sister if she doesnt find out till the parents are gone, because Im sure she would have alot of questions. We none of us want to hurt his Mom by bringing up something she has her reasons for keeping quiet. His Dad has always been Daddy to the sister, and he doesnt feel compelled to tell her either, and shes nearly 40 now.<p>Im sure your husband is considering his Moms feelings @ all this. Maybe he realizes that one day he will have a chance, when the time is right to discuss it with the appropriate family members. Theres no reason to push it, or rush it. He'll act when he's ready, and if he never does it truely wasnt that important to him. Maybe one day the OC will find them and that will relieve him of the responsibility.