It's been almost six weeks since I found out about A. H and I attended couseling once 4 weeks ago. We had an appt this past Tues. He was too busy at work and said we needed to resched. Later I find out he just didn't want to go. Lately i have all these feelings of desparation. I was doing great. Yesterday was awful but I didn't tell anybody I was having a bad day I just smiled and went on. I am so embarassed to tell anyone what has happened to me for fear of what they will think of me. I feel like they will look at me and say you could'nt keep him satisfied so he found one who could and it just hurts so deeply. Everyday I look at h with my children and think how can you just ignore oc. Dont' get me wrong I don't want oc in my life, but I'm afraid H will wake up one day and say I have oc and I want to see oc, and I will just fall apart, but I guess you can't live for what ifs. But it is such a draw back having these feelings. Haven't heard from ow, or at least h says he hasn't. Unfortunately she still works in same building, she called and was concerned she wasn't receiving her money yet and wanted a check, H told her it was'nt his fault and supposedly told her not to call him again, this all happened at work. I guess I believe him. To top it all off I am having female problems which all link back to A, which is even more embarrassing and really upsets me, because I am paying in so many more ways than on for his stupidity. Sometime I look at him and wonder did you suffer at all? You still have everything you could possibly dream of and more, you made the biggest mistake of your life, but all you have to do is pay money each month which ultimately effects me and my children....again. I was planning to work less this summer but now I probably cannot....once again thaks to someone else's bad decisions. Does the pain ever ease?? Anytime h and are trying to be intimate I see him caressing or kissing her and that is major turnoff and all he says is put it behind you. Well guess what if you put it behind you it is still there somewhere, I don't think it ever goes away. Yelodaisy [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

I identify in so many ways with how you feel. I too have been too humiliated to tell anyone close to me what has happened, for the very same reasons that you haven't. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] I too can see OW every time we are being intimate and I wonder which of us he is thinking about. It has been about 5 weeks since I found out about A. There is no OC involved but I am 5 1/2 pregnant myself. I also look at H and wonder if he has suffered at all and I get the same response from him "lets just move on, look forward, not back". It's so easy to say when you are not the one who has been so badly betrayed. My life has changed forever but his seems to continue as "normal". The thing that gets to me most is the way that people who know what as happened look at me - as though I'm not good enough or that I've done something wrong. [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] My mother-in-law even told me that it was my fault H had an affair. I know I'm partly resposible for problems we've had but there's no way I'm taking an resposibility for the act itself. That was his bad decision and his alone. Probably made very easy by the fact that the 20yo girl (H31yrs) he works with told him many times previous to A that she had feelings for him and wanted to have a relationship with him. I guess she got what she wanted too. I seem to be the only person who missed out in all of this. <p>I'm sorry, I can't actually help you out with how you feel or offer any advice because I'm still searching myself - wondering if the pain ever goes away and if the trust ever comes back. I feel so worthless an inadequate most of the time and wonder what I did to deserve all of this. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Things are not made easy by the fact that H still sees OW at work occasionally. He doesn't see a problem with that and wants to still be friends with her. I told him that if he wanted to be friends then he should have just been friends but that now they can be nothing.<p>Anyway, I understand how you feel and hope that you and I both can find away through the pain.
HRO [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]