Intellectually....I KNOW the OC is innocent. On a good day, when I am feeling warm and loved and secure and close to my husband and I know without doubt that he is thrilled and delighted beyond words to be with me, I feel a wistful tenderness towards OC. I even worry about her and what she may feel and think one day. I even entertain the idea of perhaps allowing contact at a much, much later date. Fleetingly.<p>I think about OC and wonder what she looks like, wonder if she is smart like my other kids or has OW's intellect. Sometimes I even laugh to myself that perhaps OC uses words that OW can't understand -haha- (mensa material in a household of dullards). Occasionally I even pretend that OC is relly mine and the OW is just "babysitting" for this child, because she really should be mine...I am the only person on this planet entitled to have her.<p>There have been times where I fantasized that OC comes to us years from now wanting to know her bio dad and we welcome her into our home, and she and I really hit it off. I muse that she is generous of spirit, mature, logical and realistic and understands the impossibility of contact due to distance, my reluctance and other issues. She in turns, tells us how wonderful her life was...that she had this enormous involved family doting on her all her life. (She does have this enormous doting family)<p>On a bad day, I wish she didn't exist. I wish she had never been born. I wish she would have been given up for adoption...(on a good day, I ALWAYS wish this). On a bad (or good) day, I wish she had never been conceived or that my husband had never been with or had anything to do with OW. On a bad day, I curse her existance when we have nothing and the courts are extorting enormous sums of money from us and I suffer as a result.<p>I am a survivalist. I am worried about me and my well-being because I have to think about retirement in a decade from now. When raising my kids, I was happy to sacrifice for them and thought about them and only them. I am not prepared to sacrifice again for a child that does not belong to me, whose mere existance has destroyed my life financially and emotionally. Even though it is not the OC's fault, she is not my concern nor is she my responsibility and that obligation belongs to OW.<p>I wish her well. I wish her every happiness. I wish her a wonderful life and hope someday she will have a nice dad to love her. I wish her good health and an abundance of love. Most of all, I wish she would have been mine.<p>Catnip =^^=

My thoughts exactly. When I first found out about oc I was so upset, (still am), but i felt that was supposed to be the baby I was to have. I do feel sorry for her that she will never know her real dad, and the thought of her coming into our lives years from now is scary also because what if that bringss resentment from all parties, including my children. I just have such mixed feelings, but you are right on a good day, when I am feeling secure I can see myself being ok with visitation. Then I think no way that means contact with ow. But for me I am only two weeks into my 27 year of life and have two children of my own and just found out today I am pregnant with third. I am very scared to tell anyone for fear of what they will say. So on top of dealing with A that i found out about 5 wks ago now I have even bigger things to deal with!

Hugs to you both and everyone else that's in this situation.
During my irrational moments I curse myself for having my tubes tied. The OW's pregnancy has certainly left me feeling totally inadequate at times and that she's got one up one me.
I wonder about my about my ability to accept the OC into my home and be a loving step parent. I truly feel this baby is an innocent, it's the mother that I hate. ( ugh... I think that's the 1st time I've admitted that, even to myself)<p>I to have wished this baby was mine [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Peace

well for me it has been 4.5 years since d-day and ni it does not get easeier it sometimes gets harder, anyway the way i feel about oc is strange, I sometimes do not even associate oc with H I think more of him as the OW's child not my H, I hate her more than words can describe, I wish death and destruction on her daily, i know probably not real healthy but it is how I get through the days, every time I hear of an accident in her town I listen for her name, hoping! about OC I feel nothing but pity for him growing up with her as his mother, she was also a fatherless child her mother was also a slut proving the apple does not fall far from the tre does it, the child is being raised by 2 sluts now, what chance does he have? and as to how I feel towards my H well that is another matter altogether if one day he decides to have anything to do with OC I will leave ti is not part of me aor my life and I can not accept it so i will go, I do not beleive he has any feelings towards OC ather than curiosity but even that is unacceptable to me, if I sound bitter I am but I accept that and know what I feel and know that one day I will be free of bitterness I just do not know when,!