If OW was killed and there was no one to take OC would you, could you do it? I would not, could not ever do it, I would like to see someone elses answers to this it does require some thought though so please think before you answer!

This is not a hard question for me to answer. <p>As many of you already know, I am one of the major caretakers for Lil Bit as it is right now. H works nights and I work days. Our work arrangement makes it possible for us to keep Lil Bit out of daycare when she is with us. And that is actually 51.19% of the week. (yes I would say that I am obsessed)<p>I would take Lil Bit and raise her as my own. NO QUESTION. I love this little girl. She is the light if my life right now. Having her in my life has made me realize how much I really want to be a mother. <p>I know she loves me. The look on her face when she sees me when we pick her up tells me that she does. She calls me mama, of course she is only 9 months old. She will reach for me, call me when she wakes up and she will even fuss enough, while I am at work, that H calls me and places the phone by her ear so she can hear my voice then calm down for a while. <p>But, I am the exception in many of these cases. I have bonded with OC from the beginning, she was 5 wks old the first time I held her. She has come to depend on me and I refuse to let her down. <p>Sorry my reply is so long. This is something that I think about constantly, when Lil Bit is here and when she is with exOW.

As so many others have said on MB, the OC is truly innocent and is a victim just like the betrayed spouse. For me, it is not the OC that causes the pain -- it is her mother. If her mother was out of the picture, there would be no doubt for me that she would live with H and me.<p>Without all the emotional baggage of the A between my H and the exOW, I believe it would be possible to raise the OC and bond with her. <p>I could not allow any child to be placed in foster care or any other situation of uncertainty when it would be possible for me to give that child a good home. In fact, if the exOW had given the OC to my H and I from the beginning, I would have adopted her and raised her as my own. But, the constant interference of the exOW creates too much tension to allow the marriage to have any semblance of normal.<p>love,
heavenly

There is no doubt in my mind that with not one second of hesitation that I would take this child into my home. Like Heavenly said..it's not the child that causes me pain. This baby is a part of Doc, and he loves my daughters like his own, how could I not love his child

Before the divorce, "yes" I would have taken both OCs into my home and raised them as my own. They were both welcome here and loved equally.<p>As Heavenly Body has said, OC's are innocent to wrong doing, it's the OW (specifically OW #2) that I have major issues with.<p>Jo

a different point of view,<p> xOM and his W have both told me they would take her if anything happened to me, or THEY WOULD TAKE ANY OF MY CHILDREN, they have made sure they are all welcome and think of them on holidays and such as well.
However, IF something happened to me, I would not want her seperated from her siblings and my husband, so we have all come to an agreement together as to what should be done.
But I am the same as the rest of the mothers here, I wish to live long enough I can love and nurture my children and see them grow.

Well, here's mean ole Catnip saying "nope, can't and won't do it."<p>But, my reason is simple...I am just too old to deal with a toddler. I have a granddaughter a year older than OC and while I adore her and love to see her, I love to see her go home. I just don't have the energy anymore. My husband is not well enough to have a kid around full time because of his mood swings.<p>If it were up to me or up to us, I would try to find someone suitable within the OW family to raise her or I would seek out and screen an adoptive couple through an agency that has been thoroughly investigated.<p>I'm not going to lie to any of you and tell you I would take on the OC because I know I could not do this. I'm just too beaten down and exhausted.<p>Catnip =^^=

catnip,
Your reasons are perfectly sound, so don't feel mean! You have OC's best interests at heart. You know some of us understand, and those who don't... well, we can't please everyone!<p>
As for me, I would have preferred to adopt OC from Day 1, but it was not an option. Yes, I would raise OC, but the problem as years pass is, even if her mother dies, OC lives with her half-siblings and now apparently a step-father. It would be double-trauma to take OC away from everyone and everywhere she's ever known to start a new life with us, and she will have formed behaviors and values that might not be acceptable in our family. <p>Nothing is simple.
J
in recovery 3++ years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

No, I wouldn't take any of OW and H's three children! I know that at some point the State will take her children away from her AGAIN (it's a recurring pattern)and I don't even want them then.<p>Take care,
Why

by the way catnip, that was a very loving response. not mean. I think that would be the best solution. WHY take a child from the family he knows.

no, couldn't do it. I actually imagine this happening, and me saying no.But you see, right now I am filing for divorce, and my H's contact with OC without my permission or agreement is causing it. HIs total disregard for my feelings, and my family's needs, because of OC and OW's needs have destroyed my family. I can't do it.

Good question and I am glad to see people coming in on both sides of the issue.<p>Yes, I would take Precious. I already know her and care for her. I don't love her yet, but I would if I were around her all the time. Unlike some others, I am in my child-raising years or at least those that I have decided will be my child-raising years. We are almost certain that we will adopt once again, this time a daughter or two. My SIL and I are the same age. She is in the process of moving her kids through high-school and college, but she began much earlier than I did.<p>Mr. J, exOW and I have discussed all this. exOW would prefer that Precious stay in her state with exOW's family. We would try to make a gradual transition and would always send her back to her grandparents for visits, but she is Mr. J's child. She would come to live with us. We would sue for custody in this case.<p>MaryJanes<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</p>

no, we would not take oc. There has never been contact not even once. They live in another state and the only contact with the OW since this came to light was when my husband confronted her once, and I called her once. We have separate families, there would be no reason for us to even be contacted. She has a sister that the OW has and other family there. We are all strangers. <p>babstr

No I could not. The emotional stress I go thru for a weekly visit is difficult enough to handle. I still resent the fact that these OC are a part of my life. Our children are grown, and I have come to enjoy my freedom, and do not wish to be tied down for the next 18 years with two children from an A. I do not have the patience or the desire to go thru childrearing again. <p>Unfortunatly there is no one else to take these OC and H has stated he would take them. I fear that would be the end of our marriage. OW has separated herself from her family members. I pray everyday that OW lives to care for her children, and hopefully finds a caring person to share her life.

No we still would have no contact. Nobody knows anything about this dirty secret . Although we don't live that far from where
ow lives about 30 miles. My h has no desire to have anything to do with ow child. I don't really think he feels that this child is anymore to him then a very bad reminder of something he did that was very wrong.
I also don't want to raise anymore kids. I had my tubes tied after our daughter was born to make sure there was no more babies. I surely cant see me changing my mind because some girl decided to sneak around with someone elses man and bring a child into this world. We have no idea what kind of family support she has. I really dont know what would become of the oc if she did die. I just know he will never be a part of this family.
with love flowerseed

Well, ow is not dead...at least physically. She may as well be dead emotionally though. She shows no concern or remorse for the abuse that has been heaped on all three of her children. i won't go so far as to wish she were dead, but my emotions come fairly close. my hope is that we will never again have contact with her. <p>i also wish that she had allowed 2oc to be adopted to a good loving home. and yes, i wish they did not exist. i do not wish them dead or hurt. but i also do not wish them in my home. too late. we have custody and have had them since mid-march. <p>i make great effort to care for them and treat them as i would want my child treated. i don't want them to see the resentment i feel for what my life and my marriage have been through. they are innocent and don't deserve to be blamed. i will spare them that. i am good to them in the same way as i am good to the kids next door or in the church nursery. i am very giving to them and maybe more than to other kids because i am trying to compensate for my feelings. i treat them well, but i don't feel the love. maybe it will come eventually. <p>hubby brought up getting pregnant again. i of course am still totally overwhelmed with so many changes. i'm thinking hey nutso this is not the time, but i gave it some serious discussion instead of just laughing in his face. i reiterated to him my pre-custody thoughts about having a child. my age has always been an issue. not physically, but i want to be able to play ball with my grandkids and see them grow too. i'm afraid that i won't have the energy for that. at this point, i'd be uhhhh... about 60 when a grandchild was born. i'd be 70 when they were 10. to me, that's pushing it. also there are huge money issues. i know you can never afford kids, but we can barely pay our monthly bills. we sell things and do odd jobs to be able to make it from month to month. <p>now post-custody, i'm several years older and money and time for kids is an even bigger issue. but for me there is another important issue. i want a baby. when i was pg before, i loved the baby growing inside me. if i was pregnant again, i'd love it too. i don't want to treat 2oc differently than a baby born from my marriage. and i think i would. it made hubby think, and that's what i really wanted. even after A is over and we have been through the forgiveness, there are prices that we all have to pay.<p>meanwhile, i know without doubt that 2oc should not be with ow. today is another court date. we will not be there. ow is supposed to go to court with protective services. it is the first hearing after the children were removed from her. the protective services folks in that state will recommend that the 2oc stay with us. they say that ow is not even trying with her parenting plan and that she is still with the new bf who abused the kids. (why did they let him out of jail???? and get this...she hocked the vehicle we bought for 2oc to pay for his bond. stupid stupid woman.) this one should be spayed.