I wonder if any others of you out there feel humiliated at what your WS did in having an A and producing a child. I feel incredible humiliation at ths whole thing. My H doesn't understand this.Says it is his humiliation, and he can "handle it". But I say, what he does affects me and wounds me, and I feel humiliated at his actions. Likewise feel he has humiliated our joint kids.What do the rest of you feel?

What is there to be proud of???<p>There is, in my opinion, no humiliation on the face of this earth that can even compare on any level with the humiliation that comes with the knowledge a spouse has had a child with someone else during their marriage with the spouse.<p>To dismiss this as "no big deal" may just be a defense mechanism because of the magnitude of this violation to the marriage. the only way some people can cope with the seriousness of what they have done to so many, is to minimalize the importance of the act and the res7ults thereof.<p>I completely concur that the shame we feel from what our spouses have done to us, to themselves, to the marriage and to our families, is a destruction so complete, it is only true love and a willingness to make just compensation for their actions by acquiescing to our requirements in order to bury the past and allow us to forgive to enable us all to recover and heal.<p>Your husband is grasping at straws, UW, and is probably just so traumatized and shell shocked from all this, the only way to deal with this is to blow it off as non-consequential. But, he'll know when he looks into the eyes of family and friends that know about this, that the respect isn't there anymore.<p>Sometimes in the darkness when we are all alone and have to face our demons, we see what things we have done to make a mockery out of all we hold dear. In the early months, during the first year and a half, my husband did the same thing...I think it is standard MO.<p>Catnip =^^=<p>[ April 29, 2002: Message edited by: catnip ]</p>

Yes, it is a disgrace to conceive children this way... but anything "not of faith is sin."<p>I think any spouse feels bad when the communication deteriorates to the point where heartfelt emotions are being ignored.<p>I could be wrong, but I think (from reading these boards), and like catnip said, it's common for (SOME) WS's to think like that--always self-centered, never can have room enough nor eyes big enough to notice others' pain, let alone take responsibility for causing it. TORN between wanting to move on a.s.a.p. and their spouses' triggers forever holding them back from yet another selfish goal.<p>It seems to me like you feel humiliated because he continued to lie to you--which left you on the outside. He broke the trust and continued to dishonor you by maintaining contact with OW/OC behind your back. How he can NOT see that as wrong and hurtful and humiliating to you is, IMO, downright inconsiderate of you and your feelings... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Do you think if there was some way he could have communicated to you how important it was for him to maintain the relationship with the OC, it could have worked out between you? I mean, do you think that if he could have somehow secured you in his love to that degree necessary where maintaining contact would not have been a threat, would you have been able to support him?<p>[ April 30, 2002: Message edited by: BINthereDUNthat ]</p>

UW,<p>Maybe it is a cop-out on my part, but no, I no longer feel humiliated by what my husband did. I did at first, of course, feel great shame and humiliation. After a couple of months I came to realize that this wasn't really about me. If I hadn't passed through the humiliation phase, I would be suspicious that I was engaging in massive denial. Since I moved through it, I figure that I am entitled to no longer feel humiliated by what he did. I kept my integrity. I walked away from a potential affair during the time of his affair. My needs went us unmet in the marriage as his did. <p>Yes, one need (an attractive spouse) went unmet for him in our marriage, but I wasn't LBing all over the place, he got Financial Support out the Ying-Yang, I am a Martha Stewart clone, we were great recreational companions. In short, I was an excellent wife except for being very overweight. Mr. J still says I am the kindest person he has ever known. (OK, I am getting a little crabby being a new mom and back on diet medication and only eating 800 calories per day, but I gotta get that attractive spouse thing taken care of.)<p>So, what does Mr. J do with the fact that I was very overweight? (And at the time he began his affair I weighed far, far less than I do now. I was a size 16, not the size 24 I got up to.) Did he try to find constructive ways to tell me that this was a very serious problem for him? No, he first tried making me jealous of other women and telling me what he would like to do to certain television and TV stars. Did it help our marriage? Did it help my weight loss efforts? Not a bit. When I joined Weight Watchers, did he help by modifying his own life somewhat? by keeping trigger foods for me out of the house? Did he suggest we get some mild exercise together? Nope. In fact, he sabatoged my efforts at every turn. He had the metabolism of a hummingbird and the appetite of an elephant. He was too selfish to make some changes in his behavior for the betterment of our marriage.<p>What did he do instead? He had an affair. A 7-year-long affair and fathered a child. BTW, I was born w/o a uterus, so his fertility with another OW was a double slap in the face.<p>In a very short while I realized that I had nothing to be ashamed of. I had a weight problem, but it was a mole hill compared to the mountain of issues he was bringing to the marriage. What he did says an awful lot about him and not much about me. <p>If your marriage truly recovers or if you divorce and you heal on your own, I think that you will come to realize this one day. You will accept your part in the breakdown of the marriage and you will leave the rest, the greatest portion to him. You will be able to acknowledge your own weaknesses but will not accept blame nor shame for what you truly do not own.<p>MJ<p>[ April 30, 2002: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</p>

Mary Jane...<p>Your advice was the most loving and most thoughtful I have heard in quite sometime. I am humbled by your evolution...you are someone I greatly respect and admire...and hope, one day, to have the courage to emulate.<p>Thanks.<p>Catnip =^^=