So….today is my D-Day……Disclosure Day….the day at 8:45 p.m. in 2001 I got the phone call that changed my life…a phone call that was one of many straws that finally broke the proverbial camel’s back for me.<p>As I look back and reflect on this past year and my past posts, I see how much I have changed. I saw my anger, my raw emotions, my finally having to accept something that really shouldn’t have been. My life is changed, the fabric of my marriage is changed…the innocence is gone, but we can build on a bigger, better foundation than we had before.<p>I have seen Mr. “T” metamorphisize from a grunting, non-communicative cro-magnon into a “sensitive new age guy” kinda like dude…he’s changed since also, a year ago on this date, he gave his life to Christ…something that I prayed for almost five years for. I confess, if the Lord had sat me down and told me, “Twiisty, the only way for Mr. “T” to come to a saving relationship with me and totally give his life to me is for him to mess up so badly that he gets someone pregnant other than you” I probably would have told God, “Thanks but no thanks….I’ll leave now, thank you….” Thank God we cannot predict our future…we would “have missed the dance” to quote Garth Brooks…”I’m glad I didn’t know, the way it all would go, the way it all would end…our lives are better left to chance, coulda missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance….” (loosely paraphrased by me, being deaf of course…hee hee) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I can honestly say that NO CONTACT was the best choice for us. I believe that I’m really blessed in a lot of ways that my H had a “three night stand”…it wasn’t emotional and it was just for a literal piece of fat, pimply [censored]…(oops…did I say that? SORRY! Freudian slip…j/k) [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] Unfortunately in our case, the ex-ow has this fatal attraction like lust for Mr. “T” which resulted in a much planned pregnancy on her part (she admitted as much to me on the phone on D-day.) Mr. “T” ended it before he even knew she was pg…and when he found out, he wanted to adopt the child out. <p>Understandably, Ex-OW couldn’t bring herself to do that. She chose to keep the child, and give the child our last name without Mr. “T”’s permission. <p>Mr. “T” signed away his rights as his first choice was adoption to give OC a better life than the one of welfare and poverty that her mother has known all her life. He felt that adoption was the best option so that she would have a loving mother AND father, one that was financially stable and she would be loved and secure and not have to wonder why she was rejected by her bio-dad because of the selfishness of her mother. I often wonder if Ex-OW will tell the OC the truth…that OC was a “love memento” on her mother’s part, since she tried so hard to bust us up.<p>Since court, it has been ok…we pay what we settled out of court for and life goes on. I am praying that OW “gets it” this time and moves on with her life. I pray for her and her child. Just yesterday, Mr. “T” and I were talking while wiping dishes, and we both feel that OC is OW’s child. We just pay for the priveledge (and I use that term loosely) for being a sperm donor. I told Mr. “T” that it is his fault and he accepts full blame for his part. I told him I knew that he was a “willing” “Un-willing” sperm donor…if that makes sense at all. He willingly did the deed and I hold him accountable for it. He again, expressed deep remorse and regret for what he did.<p>I’m so fortunate that my relationship of over 16 years with Mr. “T” was always solid. He is my best friend. We have a connection that many people don’t have and one that OW probably wish she had with him. I’m not happy about this situation, but I can forgive and move on and that is where my faith comes in. (zoloft helps too with calming my emotions down enough for me to look at facts and things objectively.)<p>We have decided that from this point onward we are working as a team. No more secrets. I’m so thankful for POJA. It really works. I can attest to that.<p>In the past year I have learned just how strong Mr. “T” and I are. I have learned that we really, truly deeply love each other. I learned that people do make stupid, dastardly mistakes that affect a multitude of people. I have learned the power of forgiveness and read an excellent book that helped me move on in forgiveness, called, “Forgiving the Unforgiveable” By David Stoop. It was a turning point for me.<p>I found that I recovered quicker when my H was honest with me about my feelings and acknowledged that he hurt me more deeper than anything in the world. I have learned a lot this past year.<p>I know that we will be ok. That we will make it. I’m sorry I haven’t been on the boards as much as I usually do as I am part of the NO CONTACT crowd. I fully support what people do that is best for their situations. I pray for everyone here and pray that we all move on in health, happiness and peace.<p>Do I want to kick OW’s butt on occasion, you bet I do! Do I have fleeting thoughts of leaving Mr. “T”’s sorry [censored]? You bet I do. I’m normal, I’m human and like with a headache, I pray and wait for these thoughts subside. My faith helps me out in times like that, along with MC and my dear friend and prayer partner, Tonya, helps me too.<p>Hang in there newbies…it does get better. I’m so blessed to have had a strong relationship with Mr. "T” like I do. I realize that others aren’t as blessed as I am, but we all have that one common bond…A WS, an OC and a desire to try to build a strong foundation for a better tomorrow.<p>I’m surprised that D-Day is a day of insight and introspection for me. I thought that I would be emotional. I don’t have time for that. I have a 1 year old son who is walking, I get to enjoy the second half of his baby-hood to toddler-hood and I get to see my 2 year old blossom and talk like a little girl and I see my older girls growing up and I know that I’m fortunate that I have four, healthy and beautiful children. <p>I made up my mind that instead of crying, and feeling sorry for myself, I’m going to “strengten what remains” with Mr. “T” and work on myself (I always could stand some self-improvement) and count my blessings. I am by no ways saying that this is a walk in the park and that life is rosey and all that crap…I felt the real raw sting of betrayal and of the one person in the world that I truly trusted and gave my all and the very core of myself to…but I’m here to encourage y’all that we can set our minds for better things and that it does get better and that our grief table is different for different people.<p>I identify with the anger, the grief and the murderous rage that we get. I also have learned the value of never taking a “GOOD DAY” for granted again.<p>I pray that should we have to deal with OW again that Mr. “T” and I work together as a team and together, we have that united front that will protect our marriage.<p>Thanks for reading this far, if you have…I just needed to get this written out somehow.<p>I love y’all and pray for all of us, regardless what side of the fence we are on and where we are at in this present stage of our situations.<p>Hugs and prayers,
Twiisty<p> [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Oh yeah....Mr. "T" is off today (another one of God's blessing today) and we are going out for sushi...I joked with him that we ought to go to ex-ow's apartment, knock on the door and thank her for strengthening our marriage by trying to bust us up. Mr. "T" didn't think that was a good idea...of course I was just kidding. <p>I know that at 8:45 p.m. tonight, the time that I got that phone call a year ago, I will be praying for OW and her child. I will pray that she find some element of happiness in her life. That she find a man that would love her completely and wholly. I pray that she would find peace with herself. I pray that the generational curse of being an OC stops with the OC. (OW was an OC herself as was her sisters who did the same thing to other MM...it's a pattern...how sad [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] )
I pray that she will be financially secure and that she won't need our money. Not that I don't want to pay our obligation, but that she find peace and happiness and blessings of her own in life.<p>I pray that OC will never feel the sting of rejection (I have and I know how that feels) I pray that she live a happy, fulfilled life. That she goes far in life. That her life has meaning and purpose. I pray for good health for her. I pray that she live up to the name her mother named her. (FULL OF LIFE). I do not envy a life of single motherhood for OW. I was a single mother and it's not fun, but it can be done.<p>I pray that they both have a good relationship and that they are able to communicate well with each other. <p>Thanks again for reading this LONG post.

Bravo Twiisty! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are a strong soul. You, and so many others, prove that it is possible to care about OC and still stand firm in NO CONTACT.<p>I applaud your renewed & strengthened relationship with Mr “T”.<p>I think of you daily, my Twiisted Sister. I miss our chats. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Know that I am praying for you. As my Dad would say, You need the prayer and I need the practice. <p>((((HUS))))

Hello,
You are very strong! I hope to get to the same point as you! I miss chatting with you!<p>Stay Strong!<p>Dawn

i'm going to get the book you recommend. your words are very strengthening, and i love your attitude. you go girl! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

twisty, I envy your H's decision for no contact, and see how that has helped your recovery go well. I am very happy for you. I see we are in a similar time line from discovery, and I am no where near where you are with your marriage.The difference, as I see it--your husband cared how you felt and knew he had to do something to keep you and maintain some stability for your children. Can your H talk to mine?<p>[ May 01, 2002: Message edited by: unhappy wife ]</p>

T,<p>I just wanted to say you go girl! I'm so proud of you! I'm glad you gotten this far! I like Dawn miss chatting with you too. Hope to see ya soon.<p>Tee

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by twiisty:
<strong>... I pray for everyone here and pray that we all move on in health, happiness and peace...<p>...I pray that should we have to deal with OW again that Mr. “T” and I work together as a team and together, we have that united front that will protect our marriage....<p>... I will be praying for OW and her child. I will pray that she find some element of happiness in her life. That she find a man that would love her completely and wholly. I pray that she would find peace with herself. I pray that the generational curse of being an OC stops with the OC...<p>...I pray that she will be financially secure and that she won't need our money...</strong><hr></blockquote><p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Me too.. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by twiisty:
<strong>...I pray that OC will never feel the sting of rejection...
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hmmm... this is a tough one... The reason why is because this is a consequence of OW-mom's decision. I DO agree that God can work it out and bring good out of the situation, but it's like if I jumped off a building and realized in mid-air that OOPS! I made a mistake, God forgive me! And He does, but SPLAT! the consequences still affect me...<p>You know what I mean?<p>Still, miracles do happen. I believe that God gives OC's a measure of toughness to be able to withstand the rejection and that He brings people into their lives who fill in the missing pieces.<p>Regardless, I am in agreement with all your prayers. <p>How was your sushi date???

Congratulations, Twiisty! You are awesome. I've appreciated your insights and willingness to share with me. I'm so glad to know that it can work out, you are a shining example...and as long as I remember to keep my eyes focused on God, we too will be an example of God's grace.<p>I read the other day that God doesn't give us more suffering than HE can use, so I'm willing to allow our situation to be used for His glory. <p>I have been reading the forgiveness book you suggested to me and you were right, it makes you see things a bit differently. Thanks again.<p>Keep up the good work on your marriage so that we can continue to learn from you! Keep in touch!<p>MM