As most of you know I supported H having contact with OC. But I didn't realize the impact exOW antics would have on my children. I posted our 8-week visitation order in my last update. The first week was Easter weekend exOW was at her mother&#8217;s house and wouldn't allow H to take OC. But of course she encouraged him to bring my kids in and sit for a while. He said No of course. My children were really upset they were looking forward to the visit. My son is still very upset with exOW actions the next day when she saw me at Staples and called the cops on me. She tried to press false harassment charges. He asked Mom how could someone just lie like that? Unfortunately my son was with me in Staples and over heard my conversation with the police. On 4/2 pissed at the fact the cops told her this was a free country and if she couldn;t handle seeing me to move. The Officer also told her if I made those statements to her there was nothing they could do it was against the law to cuss at someone. (She said I told her watch out you fat a&#8212; B----. I got a copy of the police report so I now know exactly what she accused me of if it&#8217;s different from my first post.) Anyway she called DCF on my sister! The only reason we know it was her was because every accusation she made against me and my family in court was in the report. Even though we were not supposed to read the report the lady from DCF let us. She knew it was bogus when they made their surprise visit the house was spotless. We were leaving the house and on our way out so after they saw the house was clean they agreed to come back the next day. It was two of them the first visit she said the man didn&#8217;t come back wit her because he saw nothing that looked dangerous. exOW also stated she was related to someone who worked for DCF the person she was related to had an Hispanic name. Idiot! I guess she didn&#8217;t realize we would see that part. <p>I think she called on my sister instead of me because she only wanted to discredit our house and it would have been too obvious to call on me the next day. I own a three family house, and my sister is staying with my parents temporally. Anyway they had to look through my mothers cabinets for food! Look in her refrigerator! The lady kept apologizing. The report contained everything from neglected children to drug trafficking! The lady said wow the only thing they left out was physical abuse, which can be seen and sexual abuse, which can be verified by a doctor. ExOW lost custody of her three other children and was paying CS herself. So I guess she knew the system and how it works. Since my sister was also accused of taking drugs she had to take a drug test too! My innocent family had to go through all of this because of exOW was pissed that the judge told her OC would be allowed to come to our house after the 8 weeks of visits. They also had to talk to my nephew in school. When he asked why my sister told him the truth I don&#8217;t think I would have told him the truth but my sister did. My nephew who has seen exOW once before stated I hate exOW with her fat behind. (No disrespect to my big and beautiful sisters who post here.) I told H this was crazy I can&#8217;t believe exOW would stoop this low. I also told him if she was going to bring my family in this he was going to have to adjust his thinking!

The next week he was to get OC on a Saturday 4/6 he sent the email to confirm a now 7-week visitation schedule. She wouldn&#8217;t agree to what the judge ordered and said it was too much time. The judge ordered 11 to 5 on Saturdays. They argued back and forth because she wanted it to be 1 to 3. H told her he was willing to compromise and take OC 1-5. She never responded to his email and didn&#8217;t bring OC to her mother&#8217;s house. <p> My oldest son was very upset he said I&#8217;m never looking forward to visiting OC again. I told him not to look forward to the visit after the Easter stunt. But you know how kids are. H was very upset and sent exOW an email ending contact and visitation. He told her when she was able to get past her unreasonable anger at me and was mature enough to talk in an adult manor to let him know. He also told her because of her past actions that we both felt she would make false allegations of abuse if OC was allowed in our house. So even though she was in contempt of the Judges order he had to face reality and put his family first. He told her he would not pursue visitation any longer. He also stated that he was upset the OC would not have a father because her mother couldn&#8217;t move forward with her life. She never responded to the email but filed another bogus Contempt motion against H a few weeks later. Ever since then my son has been very angry one minute, whining and upset the next. My baby just turned 11 he&#8217;s too young to be worrying about anything. He keeps asking me Mom what if DCF hides a small camera and tries to spy on us. He cleans his room and the house all the time now. He's afraid DCF might bust in and take them. (My nephew whose 10 of course told him what happened.) I&#8217;ve done my best to soothe his fears. He keeps saying what if she lies and the police believe them and you get arrested. I try to tell him not to worry nothing was going to happen to me etc&#8230;.. He had a break down in school a few days ago in school it was a mess the teacher called me worried and asked if anything new happened at home. Needless to say I took my 11-year-old son to a therapist today for the first time. He&#8217;s talked to the school social worker but never a therapist. The counselor says he doesn&#8217;t understand why my son cares so much about OC. He says it very important to my son that OC is involved in his life. He also said my son understands that exOW doesn&#8217;t want us involved in OC life and that he seems to feel better with the decision we were forced to make. I told the counselor we are a very close family I talk to my 3 sibling daily. I&#8217;m sorry this is long but I read a lot of post that are only dealing with OC and their rights, (At one point I too believed all children deserved a father.) OW&#8217;s forget about the children with in the marriage! So many BS&#8217;s are attacked because they have no feelings for OC&#8217;s. But did the OW&#8217;s have any feelings for our children when they were having the affair with our spouses? No! Please don&#8217;t take this as an attack on all exOW&#8217;s, people get themselves in all types of situations that they regret. But it&#8217;s their actions afterwards that makes a lasting impression. <p>My H has changed a lot he is no longer the young boy I married. No longer the [censored] that cheated on me. He&#8217;s this new man that I feel in love with again, this new man that has EARNED my respect in a way he never had. We will celebrate 10 years of marriage in July and I&#8217;m actually happy and looking forward to it. I&#8217;ve been with this man for 13 years and I will only be 30 in August. A few months ago he wrapped his arms around me and cupped my face and thanked me for saving his life and his family. He told me I was a strong woman and that he will appreciate my actions and efforts to keep our family together for the rest of his life. He said everything that a BS&#8217;s needs to hear to move forward. Now after saying all of that I&#8217;m still angry that my babies have to suffer because of H&#8217;s mistake. I&#8217;m doing my best not to throw exOW actions and antics in his face because we have moved forward with our lives but if he didn&#8217;t cheat I wouldn&#8217;t be dealing with this. My children would not be hurt! I told him this today he said I know and I&#8217;m sorry. He told me whenever our son acts out it rips his heart into pieces. <p>I no longer feel compelled to do what&#8217;s right by OC. I still view her as an innocent child and I wish her no harm. But I think NO CONTACT is the only way to move forward without inflicting any additional pain on the rest of the family. I&#8217;m happy my H chooses us and our marriage. If any of you newbies can get your H&#8217;s to agree to NC it&#8217;s better that way. I&#8217;m sorry this is so long I needed to vent today I wanted to do it the right way and not the wrong way. If any of you got this far any and all comments would be appreciated. Now I&#8217;ll go back to lurking. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>
Tee<p>[ May 03, 2002: Message edited by: UNSure919400 ]</p>

Dear unsure,
Well, I believe that the enemy is out to destroy our kids, regardless. He tries to mess us up when we are 5 and keep us messed up til we're 50! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] But for the grace of God...<p>I totally agree with you that OW are NOT considering the BS NOR the BS's children when embroiled in an A with a MM. It's not an attack, just plain, true FACTS!<p>Just to give you an idea of how stupid I was, I kept wondering when I was going to MEET his kids. He led me to believe that his marriage was over, when it wasn't. Being "separated" still means the person is married. I seriously have doubts about whether or not he was even separated at that time. Thank GOD he had the good sense enough not to introduce me to his kids! My mind was abducted by aliens like the way worthatry described WS's in the fog... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] DUH! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Do not apologize for this statement because OP's knowingly sleeping with married men are extremely selfish IMO... Right or wrong, good or bad, that is my opinion and I will not change it. <p>IF your H didn't cheat, I'm positive that your children would be facing other struggles in their lives that would be just as difficult for you to witness. I think it's just part of growing up in this cursed world--adjusting to difficulties in daily life. You know? It's tough to predict what would have or could have been, but it's just my guess that they would have struggles because God never promised us wonderful and convenient lifestyles. God said we would struggle. "Perhaps He brought us here to show us that no matter how deep the pit gets, He is deeper still?" (Corrie Ten Boom's sister Betsy)

Congratulations on 10 years of marriage and a strong recovery from your H's A! CHEERS!

I read a lot of post that are only dealing with OC and their rights<p>Unsure,<p>As much as I defend my childs right to have her father in her life, We dont have all the anger and violence and lies and just plain garbage involved in our lives. I would never allow my children to be around some woman who acted this way. You have a duty to protect your children from heart ache and keep them safe... and for this woman to do these things is inexcusable.
I cant imagine what kind of a woman would put her child and yours through this. And I dont think she left any choice for you to stop being around her. She is to blame for that not you or your husband. This woman had an oppertunity to make her daughters life good, to give her daughter half siblings who were willing to be there for her and two people willing to try and love and care for her.. her hate for you and husband are more than love for her child.... I find that very sad.
You are right people having an affair do not think about any one but them selves. I dont think you could really argue that point. We can all say but we didnt mean to hurt you and NO they dont think about it every day, but they are adults and know this is hurting children involved if there are children.
The good thing is child services knows these claims are bogus and will start to dismiss them or help you press charges against her.
I am sorry you are being put through all this, as a parent I certainly understand your heart break.
God bless

BTDT and MO3,<p>Thank you very much for your support!<p>BTDT- I try to look at this situation like that too. (That my kids might be going through something else right now.) And I do realize my son is going through that awkward stage and is trying to find himself, he's going to middle school in September. I'm watching him grow up and change before my eyes. It just hurts really bad to see someone so young worried. Thank you very much for your congrats. I pray to God everyday thanking him for my new happiness.<p>MO3,<p>Thank you very much! I'm glad you as a mother put your child first. OC would have had a second family that loved her and supported her. If you look at my old posts I used to be haunted by the fact that a poor child would have to suffer because of her parents actions. If exOW had anger and hatred at my husband I could understand this a little better but she doesn't. She has no problem with my H. She repeatedly tells the Judge what a good guy he is and states she happy to have him in OC's life. She told the judge "I don't understand why his family has to be involved in OC's life!" The judge of course told her to be realistic and pointed out he is a married man with children. <p>All of her antics and actions have been about me and my children being involved in OC's life. She doesn't want that. And now she doesn't have to worry about that but of course she's upset because as usual I must have forced H to end contact in her eyes my H can do no wrong! Sorry I went on a tangent I just can't understand exOW's actions. I now no longer care to understand them anymore. Thanks again.<p>Tee

unsure,
you dont have to understand them.. I can tell you that when I first had to let my child go with xOM and his wife.. it broke my heart, but I smiled and told her what a great time she was going to have and left with her crying for me. Then when I got in my truck I sat and cried. lol
His W and I have talked many times, we dont talk about the A, we talk about kids and concerns and issues dealing with the baby.
I have apologized to her and do my sincere best to treat her with great respect any time she is around, I invite her in my home when she comes, and I make sure every one in my family is respectable to her. She addresses all my children by there name and she ask them how they are doing and makes small talk with them. These exchanges although somewhat difficult have made all my children comfortable and accepting of the situation, not just his baby.
I dont worry her anger will show to my daughter any more, because we have worked through most of it, and she truly loves my daughter and shows this all the time, in fact for the first time I let my daughter go spend the day with just her, and they had a blast.
We dont have a court order forcing visits, Om and I decided for all our families visits would be when it was convient for both with work schedules and such, but I let him see her any and every day he wants, he just has to call first and make sure we are home. I have not said no once, although I hate having her gone.. I miss her when she is away from me. But since a baby takes so much time... I concentrate more on the other children and whats going on with them. Not that teens want to share a whole bunch. lol
This woman you are dealing with sounds imature and unreasonable, shame she doesnt love her daughter enough to be different. By the way she doesnt really love your husband.. if she did she would walk away and not look back. she does nothing but secure the fact that your husband probably thinks she is a crazy woman and glad she is gone.

Dear UnSure,<p>You and your H have made the only choice possible--the protection of your marriage and your children. You have gone above and beyond in your attempts to gain visitation with OC. The responsibility for the breakdown of visitation lies with exOW not with you nor with H.<p>You truly have a psycho-exOW on your hands.<p>What we can share with OC only is what spills over from a secure and happy marriage and family life. It is how I feel about marriage. What we give our children, even the children of our marriage, is what should be overflowing from our marriage. For me, marriage comes first. One of the best things we can teach our children is how to treat their future spouse. We teach that by living that example.<p>I sure hope you are keeping a journal. It might help OC some day when he or she is a teenager and maybe seeks out his or her bio-father. OC will see what you have gone through to try and secure visitation. (If you aren't journaling, maybe you could print out this page and save it. I remember some couples who journal and set aside a small gift each Christmas and birthday for OC in case OC ever comes looking. "You were in our thoughts and prayers but visitation was not possible due to your mothers vindictive behavior, but it doesn't mean we didn't think of you.")<p>MJ

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I remember some couples who journal and set aside a small gift each Christmas and birthday for OC in case OC ever comes looking. "You were in our thoughts and prayers but visitation was not possible due to your mothers vindictive behavior, but it doesn't mean we didn't think of you.<hr></blockquote><p>That would be us, mj....although, 1 of each holiday has passd and H said not to buy gifts to store after thinking about it. Who knows if oc will ever come?<p>We did keep recordings of ow calls, letters telling H I was unstable and she didn't want me near oc, police reports on things she's done {remember storming H's office and calling 911, then telling 911 it was a mistake after which she pulled phone from wall?} Letters to me telling me I was an old woman and h strayed for a reason, that she is beautiful and she feels sorry h has to look at me.<p>Sorry....<p>I was ranting......<p>Most of all, saying yes to visit then calling to say no. Telling me H should call and if H wants to see him, H can come to her home!
It wore us down. We couldn't heal w/ow/oc in our daily lives and conversations.<p>Oc is now a monthly payment. We truly are healing.<p>
So I understand unsure.
Best wishes on getting on with your marriage and children. Prayers to you.<p>love
Debi

Just my two cents. I can't really say that the OW did or did not think of my child. See I got pregnant three months after her. But she obviously didn't think about me or my marriage. She claims that she never came forward for two years because she was thinking of us, but then needed the money and wanted a father for her child. They worked together and my H never spoke to her or said anything about wanting to see the OC. She never even told him she was pregnant until she was five months along, and she only said when she heard that I was pregnant from other people. <p>She also had these delusions when she decided to file for child support that we would be like the Brady Bunch. That her daughter and mine would be like step sisters. My H and I both informed her that our child and hers would never be "sisters" no matter what the blood said. She thought we could work it out. I told her I would never have anthing to do with someone who purposely led her life the way she does. That is not a slam to all OWs, just her. See in my case unlike others, the OW had done this before, getting knocked up on a one night stand, getting the child support, and then wanting to be involved with the other family. The oc from our case was her second child in the same situation. Does it take away from the fact that my H had drunken sex with her in a car. NO, but let me tell you he was leaving the bar alone, and she saw an opportunity. <p>I know that everyone is different. We have only moved on because of no contact. My whole concern was my daughter. I never wanted her to be burdened with this embarassment. What would it be like to introduce people to a little girl who was within months of my child, that who ever met us would know that my H cheated on me, and that her father had betrayed her mother at such a young age. <p>My H would prefer that our children never know, I am expecting another daughter in July. I don't know how I can tell them or when. But let me tell you, if she does want to think of our children now, and her own, she will advise her daughter never to come knocking. The words from H would only add more pain, and heartache. He wishes it would all go away. No sympathy. Yes, that child doesn't have a father, but like I told the OW, she knew that would be the result from the time of conception. <p>Like I said just my two cents from my situation.<p>babstr

Thanks to all of you who repliedd. I'm having problems with my PC and and lost two long posts. I will type them in Word later and respond. I have to go take care of my baby.<p>Tee

my sentiments? I think unless you are like Momoffive and can have a MM and his family who are proud of child,no visitation should occur. My children are preteens/ teenagers, and would be mortally embarassed and not proud of the oC. No way.They don't want to have a different family, they want a family like their friends, with intact parents and no half brothers/sisters from an A. I think it is wrong of OW to expect this will occur for their child. IN my case, the OW was quite happy to have a secret A, but then because of child, years later decided the child should have all my children have, including acceptance by family.Forget it. ONe of her first words to me was the fact her child should not be denied a relationship with his siblings. Excuse me? What right do you have with my kids?"I say forget it , till my dying day. Let's face it-it is embarassing, humiliating, and no one, especially the OW, is going to do that to my kids without me going down fighting.<p>[ May 04, 2002: Message edited by: unhappy wife ]</p>

uw,
I dont think they are proud of what happened.. but they have put it behind them as I have. Thats all and we all view her is a beautiful little girl whom we all love.
I give his wife credit... I dont know if i could have handled things as well. I think it is easier because she is older and has no children at home who are effected every day by this. They do not have children together.
She has been going to counseling to help her deal with it, and it took an entire year before she asked about her.
So we went through the different stages and have come to some terms we can all live with.
She worries every now and again, that i will prevent D from seeing her because now she is attatched. But that will not happen, why hurt my daughter.. I love my daughter.
I frankly feel kinda funny, I couldnt possibly be the only one on here, who has worked this out like this. All the reading I have been doing makes me think I am doing something wrong. But I dont know how I could possibly any more giving in reguards to d seeing him and his family.
His daughter, had a hard time at first, she is my age.. but now she just worries because she lives so far away, that her sister wont know her. So I make sure she sees her picture and we talk about her and call her some.
His wife wants to make sure he has all the time he needs and wants.. but she also wanted time with just her and i have let that happen. She doesnt want to be her mother, just her friend. I figure we can all use more friends. But Just because this issue is not difficult for us, it does at times cause a problem for my marriage and I have all the issues that make a marriage ripe for an affair and I want to change those things. Please dont any one think.. I feel I am different or better, because I am not fighting with his wife or wreaking havoc somewhere.. lol I am just not that type of person and I want to make my marriage better. AND have learned alot from reading and learning how every one feels about these things. so If I have offended any one Please accept my apology. I know how every one is struggling with these issues, I only give my thoughts, because i want people to know sometimes it turns out different.
I know we can only do what we are able and nothing else.

Mom of five, yes I think it is different in your case in a number of cases: your MM had no children with his wife. His wife has obviously been married before. She has kids from another marriage, and now he has a child from a relationship with you. It isn't all that much difference.<p>In my case, My H says I was the only one he wanted kids with. He never wanted any more children after our 3, and he certainly did not want a child with OW. She , having no kids, wanted child at all costs. We have been married a long time and waited a long time to have kids. It took us many years to get them. The fact OW had a child with my H hurts me daily. Plus, our children are affected by myH's doings with OC--when he spends time normally reserved for them with the child. The A stole hardly any time from the family as he did it during his time-work time and lunch. Now he is interfering with family time,and I and my kids resent it now. No, we have different circumstances, and I don't think it is wrong for you to have worked it out if it all works for you.But, I do think you have it easier because of your situation.And what do your older kids say about sister? That she is the child my mom had during an affair? How do they explain her to their friends? just curious.

They feel and treat her just like they do other thier other sisters. They were shocked but we told them the truth... However it was difficult and we all cried and had long talks and they are free to talk about anything they wish. <p>
They love her and miss her when she is gone.. but they have been raised as I have that we love our family unconditionally. They learned that we are not perfect, but that has nothing to do with that baby she is innocent. They show her off to there friends and take her out to play with them. they get annoyed if she gets in thier room... just like the other kids.. Kids dont sit around and talk about who gave birth to whom I dont think the subject comes up much, and there dad is here and my daughter calls him daddy. But there have been times Om is here to get d. and kids just go up and say hello and shake his hand. They are just being polite, after all what good would it do any children to see adults fighting and calling names.
My older sisters had a different father than me.. not from an affair, but they had a different father.. I grew up they are my sisters and brother.. not half.. I never think of it.
do we sit around and talk about mom having an affair... No really, we explained and we told them that OM wanted to get to know her... they new him, because he was my boss.. so they already new who he was, and we have learned to deal with. The four of us set an example by being positive in front of the children and never saying any thing bad about any one else.
My oldest probably understands more.. because he remembers his fathers drinking days and him dissapearing for days on end... me crying for days and so on.. heck I dont know if we are doing it right or wrong, My husband and I decided we didnt want to lie to daughter her whole life.. it was a mutual decision. So we sat and had a talk with every one. family friends , whoever needed to know. was it hard.. yes... but do I think .. I am bad because I just had an affair for this amount of time and that makes me a bad person? No, I dont think so, because I know how I got here, and I know how not to get back to the place that brought me here. I know that my many breakdowns because of my husbands affairs and treatment of me.. made me vulnerable to do just what I did and I am mad at my self for finally stooping to his level.. But I cant change it.
so I move forward and make my life and my kids life better. WE start that witht he truth not just to my husband , but my family and friends as well. Then I start a new life with NO lies. How great is that, I like it, I have no secrets or worries and I feel good about my self.
I dont flaunt my daughter as you think some of these women do. I got pregnant.. This man and I screwed up. Did I want a baby, heck no I was in the middle of medical treatment and work and school. I had no time. But I made a choice that it was my mistake and I needed to do what I felt was right, just as you feel you do what you feel is right.
I chose to keep her, and H chose to help me. We didnt ask them to be involved they wanted to and since they did H and I made the decision to let them.
What can I say, we are trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I dont see anything wrong with that.
But Like you protect the children you gave birth too, I must do so also, doesnt make me right or wrong, just makes me a mom.
I can say this baby has brought my entire family closer and taught my husband and I how to forgive.. something we had never been able to do. x om and his wife say the same thing.
I dont know what else to do except make things the best I can for all my children. By the way I was seperated from husband during this time and now we are srong .. still working but trying to make us better. And for the first time in 18 years he apologized to me for all the women he has had over the years and all the pain I went through, maybe we both learned from each other.

uw,
By the way, I do know it hurts you daily, I remember my husbands affairs each one of them, just like they were yesterday. Never goes away, you just learn to deal with it.
why would my children have to run around saying anything about their mom, they love me, Just like I have never said well kids your dad has had a few dozen women in all the years we have been married, what purpose would it serve for a family to do that to their children.
Just like you dont sit around and tell your kids, daddy slept with a tramp.. he did but would that serve any purpose? No because you love your children. No different than me.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mom of five:
[QB]
I frankly feel kinda funny, I couldnt possibly be the only one on here, who has worked this out like this. All the reading I have been doing makes me think I am doing something wrong. QB]<hr></blockquote><p>Oh, mom of five, you are certainly NOT doing anything wrong at all. In fact, you are one of our success stories and I love reading your posts. You are not like our OW in any respect and I do not see you in that light at all.<p>While my situation will never bear the most remote of similarities to yours, I completely admire how the four of you have resolved this complicated lifestyle for the good of the child. Even your BS wife is light years ahead of me.<p>Your posts are inspirational and much needed here on this forum to give another very needed perspective.<p>Thanks, mof, for being so open and generous...in spite of my very stringent attitude, I understand how things happened in your life, dealing with your husband's infidelities and drinking and the isolation during those early years.<p>I never did any of the things your husband did to you to my husband so I am very resentful my world disintegrated. I met ALL his emotional needs, too, which really pisses me off. There was no reason for it and I am more than willing to admit to anything and have even searched honestly for a reason. The only reason he could give me was that he was angry I went ahead and hired my son back into our company without asking him first. I should have asked him but the company was half mine and I needed the help. Besides, my son had quit and my husband rehired him before...it just didn't seem like a big deal. Seems like such a flimsy excuse to do what he had done...especially when he had done things like that many times throughout the marriage.<p>While I was wrong to go ahead and rehire my son without consulting my husband first, it certainly was not grounds to do what he did.<p>You are on the right track, mof...thanks for your wonderful posts. You give a lot of sincere OW's who come here wonderful and compassionate advice and counsel.

catnip,<p> I am not sure I would see that as a reason either but then I think these things happen for so many reasons.
I dont excuse my self for what I did, I was wrong. I just understand what happened to get me to the point that when someone saw me crumbling, They stepped in and picked up the pieces and I let them. How foolish of me.
I do believe that we are all wired to have an A , but not every one will act on it. I never would have thought I would do such a thing.
These OW, who cause all these problems with reguard to child support and visitation, they are hurting the children they profess to love so much. I consier all those tricks and harrassment abuse to that child and any other children they may have.

They are acting out of anger to the man who may or may not have made promises and who they thought would stand by them no matter what. But the big picture they do not see is they are destroying their own family with the hate they have.
Why someone would want her baby to be around people who dont want her is beyond me. I let them come to me, I let them decide child support, I let them decided with me how we would do visits, when we didnt agree , we sat and talked it out, till we agreed.
You cant put 4 people in a room and expect them to agree on everything. Doesnt happen. So it takes work on all our parts. Sometimes it is hard work, sometimes I bite my toung so I dont say the wrong thing. If I am upset about something I wait a week, before I respond, then I dont act out of anger.. but I have had time to think before I run my mouth.
Sometimes what I think is a big deal, turns out to be a small deal. This isnt done for just my daughter.. this is done for all my children. So they will all feel secure in what life has brought to them.
I would bet the first time His wife had to see me and the child it was the hardest thing she had ever done. In fact we were all a nervous wreck.
But we have evolved into people who stopped thinking about only themselves and think about her needs as well.
I dont blame all these women from keeping this craziness out of the lives of family and friends. maybe the reason they were able to deal with this is, because, I left them alone, never called , never asked for anything, walked away and moved on with my life. I am ashamed of the A.. not of my daughter, same for OM I am sure. As a mother God made us love our children and we have a desire and need to protect them.. That is all I am trying to do.
I do hope someone else may see these things and know that life doesnt always have to work out so badly for all.. but there are ways to work on it. and anger isnt one of them.
I wish us all a happy life, because I think every one deserves to be happy.
Thanks for the vote of confidence, we all need one time to time.

MO5,<p>I&#8217;m glad you were able to put your D first. I was willing to accept OC and learn to love her. I&#8217;m the type of person that tries to understand why things happen. I like to solve everything. I now realize that I will never understand exOW or her actions. I truly no longer care. As for her loving my H I&#8217;m not sure if she thinks she does or not. I do know from our one civil conversation that her and my H never talked of love. Her words exactly but she did love him and per her he didn&#8217;t know it. You also have to realize this person told me she got pregnant on purpose.<p>exOW is very immature she is 2 years older than my H and me but behaves like a teenager. My husband and I both agree she doesn&#8217;t care about OC. She is a single mother of four never been married before and has succeeded in pushing all of her children&#8217;s fathers away. You would think she would grow up. <p>
MJ,<p>I agree I truly believe exOW is crazy! Our lawyer is always calling her a crazy B----. He hates her. He gave us a huge break in legal fees. I think one reason why he did it was because of his personal anger directed at her. I think we made the right choice too. I feel great as if this huge load was lifted off my shoulders. Yes, I am keeping a journal and I printed a few of my posts from here. I plan on getting some of the transcripts from our case and when or if she knocks on our door she will know we cared for her. <p>
Gem,<p>Thanks for your support.<p>Babstr,<p>I understand your feelings. OC is 8 months younger than my D. My H and I have three children. 2 sons 11 & 8 and our D just turned 2. I found out about the affair when my D was 6 ½ months old. So you can imagine the pain and betrayal I felt. The fact that OC was a girl hurt just as much because my H was just thanking me for giving him a D. My family also gave us a huge 8th wedding anniversary party. I was going to rip up all the pictures but I&#8217;m glad I didn&#8217;t. My D-day was 1 ½ months later. I will do everything including mortgaging my house to make sure my D will never be embarrassed by this. When we were seeking visitation I thought my D and OC would be friends but now that we have NC. My child will not be hurt by this. They both will start kindergarten together and graduate HS the same year. Another crazy thing is the fact that exOW named OC almost the same name as my D. (when we talked I told her my kids names. Stupid I know.) ex: Marie and Maria. OC also has our last name because exOW forged the Paternity Acknowledgment form. So can you imagine if they went to the same school? Marie Unsure and Maria Unsure. I don&#8217;t think so. Anyway thanks for sharing your two-cents. We all deal with this situation differently.<p>UH,<p>I agree if it&#8217;s going to hurt your children you should not have contact. As you see from my post to Babstr I will protect my child at all cost too. <p>Thanks again all for you support and comments.<p>Unsure

unsure,
seems to me, you have done everything in your power to do what you felt was right.. you cant make other people grow up and do whats right.
One day she will grow up, and will have nothing and she will know she caused it all, and if she is truly a bad mother... those childrenw ill grow up and unfortunatly be just like her.. or will leave her to grow old alone.
Just love your self and know in your heart you have tried.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by mom of five:
<strong>unsure,
seems to me, you have done everything in your power to do what you felt was right.. you cant make other people grow up and do whats right.
One day she will grow up, and will have nothing and she will know she caused it all, and if she is truly a bad mother... those childrenw ill grow up and unfortunatly be just like her.. or will leave her to grow old alone.
Just love your self and know in your heart you have tried.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>MO5,<p>Thanks again for your support. You are right I've done everything I could do and I walk away with my head held high and a burden lifted off my shoulders. The sad thing is that I agreed to contact because I figured OC would at least have some normalcy in her life some of the time. It's sad that a child will grow up passing the blame for his or her actions onto others because their mother has bad parenting skills. But it's no longer my problem and I'm more than ready to move forward.<p>
Unsure