I'm new here so please excuse me for not knowing the "shortcuts".<p>We have one beautiful little girl and lost a baby last year. We were trying to fall pregnant again when H decided that he didn't want any more children. We stopped trying straight away but were too late. I found out some 7 weeks later that I was pregnant after all. I was ecstatic but H was not so sure. What I didn't know at the time was that only days after telling me he didn't want any more children, he started having an affair with a 20 year old girl that he works with (H 31). It didn't stop after he found out I was pregnant either. I was 4 1/2 months when I found out about A and was totally devastated. I felt like this baby was a huge mistake. I didn't want to bring a baby into this world that wasn't totally loved and wanted. <p>He couldn't decide whether he wanted to be with me or OW so I left him for two weeks to let him decide. Now he says he wants to be with me and our children. The thing that really makes me wonder is that he says he still has feelings for OW. He also works with her - not all the time but too much for my liking. They were friends before all of this and spent time socially. Now he thinks he can go back to the way it was and I'm just not comfortable with that.<p>He is making an effort but how do I ever trust him again? Tell me how you ever get over the betrayal and the feelings of being worthless. I totally trusted him and look where that got me. I feel like such a fool. We've been together 13yrs, married 8yrs, best friends 26yrs. How can a whole lifetime of love and trust mean so little to someone (I am 31yrs)?

Dear HRO<p>I am so sorry you are here yet we all welcome you for this is the best place to be under the circumstacnces. Everyone here has been where you are right now at one time or another. Most of the people on General Questions are dealing with infidelity and trying to cope and resolve trust issues in their marriages while most of us here on Pregnancy/Child are dealing with much more than an affair...a child being born out of an affair with the OP.<p>The rules are simple here...study and learn everything you can about the Harley principles and rules of recovery and apply them into your life. And post, post, post.<p>Until your husband completely severs his relationship with the OW, there will be problems in the marrige. He cannot have any communication with her at all ever again...not even as casual friends.<p>I'd post more but it is very late and I have to close for now, but others will be along shortly to add their two cents.<p>You've come to the right place, HRO...I hope you will find solutions to your situation veery, very soon.

hro,
I have lots of thoughts for you but no time to type. Please read my "thoughts for newbies" and other posts here and I'll try to post again later.<p>Don't give up hope.
Prayers,
J
in recovery 3+years and happy [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear hro,<p>I know how devastated you feel a this time. But, I can assure you that if both of you are willing to do the work and willing to commit to the marriage, you can make it through.<p>You did not say if there is a connection between the child you lost, your trying to conceive and your H's decision to stop trying. In my own case, my H and I were trying to have a child after multiple miscarriages. I was so obsessed with the loss of my babies and obsessed with trying to carry a full-term pregnancy, that my H got the feeling that the pregnancy was more important than him. He also became upset when I miscarried because of his own sense of helplessness. That is what steered him towards an affair.<p>Unfortunately, his affair resulted in a child and that has been the hardest part of dealing with his affair. I am sure that we could have been able to work through our problems much quicker without the physical reminder of his infidelity.<p>Since you are pregnant, you may wish to try counselling right away. My H and I have done that and it went a long way towards soothing my mind. You need to have your mind in as peaceful a state as possible -- you have your baby to think about.<p>Also, it was helpful for me to read as much as I could get my hands on about relationships and affairs. There are many good books that you can purchase and borrow from the library. Dr. Harley has a number of wonderful resources on this site, so be sure to explore the site thoroughly.<p>There are certain stages that you go through after discovering an affair. The stages are much like the grief you feel at losing a loved one -- because you are actually grieving for the marriage you have lost. <p>My H and I have been in recovery for two years and we are doing great. Our marriage is different -- I am no longer the wide eyed trusting innocent one that I used to be. I no longer see him as infallible. He is a man who makes mistakes like any other. But, we have a new partnership and a new sense of communication that I did not know was possible before. We also really work at our relationship, something which we had started taking for granted before.<p>So, there is hope for you, hro. For now, give yourself the time to grieve for your lost marriage, talk things out with your H, explain your feelings to him -- don't assume he knows what you are feeling. <p>I will keep you and your baby in my prayers. <p>love,
heavenly

hro,<p>Your feelings are totally normal and understandable; I had them too!!<p>There are similarities between your story and mine. H and I also had 1 child, lost 3 babies before and during the A, and I was pregnant on DDay, when he confessed to A and pregnancy with my "friend".<p>There are things I want to tell you that are already in my post "thoughts for newbies". Please read it when you can.<p>PLEASE get counseling! Either call the Harleys or try someone MB-principle friendly in your community. <p>Also helpful is reading about the good marriage principles at this site(!), taking the questionaires here(!), and there are other good books, especially "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring(! good at addressing the feelings of BOTH betrayed-spouse and affair-spouse!). I also recommend going to www.affairs-help.com to the self-assessment to see what type of affair it was, so you know what pattern you are dealing with<p>I hope your H wakes up!! He's still in a fog! NO, he canNOT continue a "friendship" with OW!! He does so at continued risk of losing his marriage. This A is not something to just "get over". It is a HUGE thing that must not be swept under the rug. Your H may be afraid you're going to 'beat him over the head' with this forever; rather, if you and H do not address the underlying issues in your marriage, you and he are at risk of repeating the "acting out," meaning the affair or other negative behavior.<p>It is 100% possible to recover, but the A must be addressed to get there. Prayers for your marriage recovery, and the good health of baby-to-be! <p>J
a success story! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
(While I'll never be happy about A/OC, I do not regret staying in the marriage, nor our beautiful child I was pregnant with on DDay!)

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by heartrippedout:
<strong>I'm new here so please excuse me for not knowing the "shortcuts".<p>We have one beautiful little girl and lost a baby last year. We were trying to fall pregnant again when H decided that he didn't want any more children. We stopped trying straight away but were too late. I found out some 7 weeks later that I was pregnant after all. I was ecstatic but H was not so sure. What I didn't know at the time was that only days after telling me he didn't want any more children, he started having an affair with a 20 year old girl that he works with (H 31). It didn't stop after he found out I was pregnant either. I was 4 1/2 months when I found out about A and was totally devastated. I felt like this baby was a huge mistake. I didn't want to bring a baby into this world that wasn't totally loved and wanted. <p>He couldn't decide whether he wanted to be with me or OW so I left him for two weeks to let him decide. Now he says he wants to be with me and our children. The thing that really makes me wonder is that he says he still has feelings for OW. He also works with her - not all the time but too much for my liking. They were friends before all of this and spent time socially. Now he thinks he can go back to the way it was and I'm just not comfortable with that.<p>He is making an effort but how do I ever trust him again? Tell me how you ever get over the betrayal and the feelings of being worthless. I totally trusted him and look where that got me. I feel like such a fool. We've been together 13yrs, married 8yrs, best friends 26yrs. How can a whole lifetime of love and trust mean so little to someone (I am 31yrs)?</strong><hr></blockquote>